The Little Recruit
by LaynaKnight
Summary: Steph meets Ranger and Les while they are in Basic Training as teenagers. AU SLOW BURN BABE HEA. Pinterest updated frequently-see profile for url. Spotify playlist made. Search using my user# 12308948 & look at public lists
1. Chapter 1

Chpt. 1

"Come on Uncle Charlie. It wasn't my fault. My foot slipped," I pleaded. I gave my uncle my best innocent, puppy eyes and trembling lower lip.

"Steph, it is most definitely your fault. You are fourteen! _**Fourteen**_! You are not even allowed to drive. You know that. To top it off, you stole an MP's Jeep," Uncle Charlie growled. "And you _**broke his leg**_!"

Okay, well I couldn't really argue with that. I did break Joe's leg, but he deserved it and I can't really tell my uncle why he deserved it because that would get me into more trouble. Who wants to tell their guardian that she lost their virginity at the movies to a boy who is two years older than her, said boy then wrote about the experience in all the public bathrooms on base, and now refuses to talk to her? Yeah, _not me_. Frankly, I think my punishment of hitting Joe with an MP's Jeep, breaking his left leg was on the nicer end of what I could have done to him. My uncle's punishment would likely be way worse than any form of justice I can enact.

"Uncle Charlie, he deserved it! I swear!"

"What did he do that he deserved you running him over with a stolen Jeep?"

My uncle continued to growl at me. I swear all military men learn how to growl in Basic Training. It must be one of their requirements. _Sigh_.

"See, the thing is, I can't really tell you," I replied.

"You _**can't**_ or _**won't**_ tell me?" Growl, growl, growl.

"Um…more like won't?" I can't believe I turned that into a question. Damn nerves. You would think I was better at keeping my nerves in check considering Valerie and I have lived with my uncle for the past three years. Granted, he is all bark and no bite when it comes to Valerie and me.

"Stephanie Michelle Plum, you will tell me right now. Why did you run over Joseph Morelli with a stolen MP vehicle?"

Damn. I'm screwed. It's probably better if I just tell the truth before my punishment gets even worse. Lying is the ultimate crime in my aunt and uncle's house. The punishment for lying will likely last for years and entail me enlisting in the Army when I turn eighteen and God knows, I do not want to do that.

So in one lung full of air, I told him. "So see, I sort of went to the movies with Joe a month ago and we sort of had sex in the movie theater, but I didn't want to. I didn't say no because I was scared what he would say about me to everyone else, but that backfired because now he is writing about me in all the public bathrooms and he won't talk to me now!" I was getting a little teary-eyed (and out of breath) by the end of telling my story.

"_**WHAT?**_" My uncle bellowed.

"So I guess that makes two really bad judgment calls on my part, but I swear I've learned! Boys suck and I'm not having sex until I'm thirty!"

My uncle rubbed temples with both his hands. "I'll talk to Staff Sergeant Morelli and see that he doesn't have charges brought up against you. I'll negotiate an appropriate punishment for his good-for-nothing son."

I breathed a sigh of relief. This might not be as bad as I thought. He might even go easy on me considering I was already humiliated. Wasn't that punishment enough?

"Now for you…" he pinched the bridge of his nose. "It's summer, so you have even more time to get into trouble. Considering that and your actions earlier today, you will go through Basic Training this summer with the newest class. You will still live here, but you will do all of the PT and training the recruits do from 0400 until 1730."

"_**What**_?" I screeched. Mother bugger. He definitely found a way to punish me. Damn.

"You have almost a week until Basic starts. I'll let you know whose unit I put you with. Now go talk to your aunt. Obviously we need to have another talk with you about boys, safe sex, and the consequences of sex. You aren't pregnant are you?" Uncle Charlie asked me that with a look of true fear on his face.

"No, I'm not. I have my period right now," I said, my face felt like it was on fire with shame.

"Ok, too much information. I did not need to know that much," he muttered, turning red himself and walking into the kitchen to likely tell my aunt what happened. Five minutes later, he walked out of the kitchen, kissed my forehead and left. I could only assume it was to go find Staff Sergeant Morelli and tell him what an awful son he had.

I walked into the kitchen to talk to my aunt, Marjie. At least talking to her wouldn't be too bad. I knew she'd be disappointed in me, but she wouldn't judge. That is more than I can say if I had to talk to my mom. I was a lot closer to my aunt and uncle than I ever was with my parents. I wish I could rectify that, but crap happens.

The talk with my aunt went surprisingly well, all things considered. We talked about sex and the possible consequences. We were both relieved that Joe had used a condom. She told me she wished I had waited because I deserved better than a movie theater with a sticky floor littered with popcorn. She told me I deserved love, caring, gentleness and adoration. Obviously, I didn't get that from Joe. I told her I already knew I was going to wait to have sex again until I was in love with somebody and I didn't see that happening anytime soon. I also told her I didn't want to date or have sex until I was thirty. She laughed at that and hugged me.

My uncle came back in time for dinner. Joe had to work in my uncle's office all summer and once his leg heals, he has to do the PT portion of training every morning until the end of the next school year. He also has to join ROTC. At least my punishment only lasts the summer.

Valerie acted like her typical judgmental self towards me. She was like a mini-Mom. "I can't believe you were so dumb to go out with Joe Morelli. Everyone knows he's a player and wants to get in every girl's pants. You should've known better. Mom would be so disappointed in you."

I was never so thankful that my aunt and uncle took us in until that moment. "Valerie Marie Plum! It's not your place to judge your sister. She made a mistake. She is young. Joseph should've known better. You should've taken Stephanie aside and told her about him. Did you do that?" my aunt asked my condescending sister.

"No," she sniffed. "Why would I do that?"

"A good older sibling tries to keep their younger siblings out of trouble," my uncle said. "You're supposed to look out for them. Next time you see Steph going down a path that will lead to trouble, talk to her! Talk to us. And Steph, the same goes to you with regards to your sister." My sister gave me a nasty look, pursed her lips and didn't say anything for the rest of the evening.

I cleaned the kitchen without being asked and then headed upstairs to my room to write in my journal like I did every day since my parents died.

_June 2, 1997_

_Song of the day: R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly"_

_So Uncle Charlie and Aunt Marjie know about Joe and the movie theater. I didn't really think through stealing the MP Jeep and hitting Joe. Maybe if I thought about the consequences I wouldn't have had the humiliation of having to tell them. And boy! Want to talk about a low point in my year. Surprisingly though, they were pretty good awesome about it._

_If Mom were still around she would have made some comment like, "Linda Sforza's daughter doesn't go losing her virginity in a movie theater! How could you do this to me?" Mom was always comparing me to her friend's kids when I was little. I remember when she told me that I humiliated her because I got a C in my first quarter of geometry and Edith Marcini's daughter got straight A's, and why couldn't I be more like her._

_Thinking about it, I suppose the whole Joe debacle punishment could be worse. Basic training is going to suck. I am not looking forward to it, but I could be getting a juvenile record. Or worse, I could be pregnant. I could never accomplish my goal of being Wonder Woman or Super Secret Spy Stephanie if I was a teenage mom. _

_Ack. I hear Aunt M yelling at me to turn my lights out. They want me to adjust to the crazy early mornings now so I don't die of exhaustion next week._


	2. Chapter 2

Chpt. 2

Six days later I woke up to my uncle banging on my bedroom door, yelling it was time to get up. Looking at the clock, I groaned. It was 0400. Running Joe over with the Jeep might've been a really bad idea. If I hadn't done that, I would be getting another four hours of sleep. Groaning, I got out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom to get ready for my first day of hell. After dressing in my ARMY t-shirt, shorts, and sneakers I twisted my hair into a massive bun at the base of my skull per my uncle's orders and headed for the stairs.

I walked into the kitchen looking for Uncle Charlie. I had no idea which squad I was in or who my drill sergeant was. Besides that, I had no idea if the drill sergeant even knew I was in his group. All around, this was just going to be awkward.

"Morning, Steph. Let's get a move on," Uncle Charlie said, grabbing his to-go mug filled with coffee while walking out the back door. We walked to the barracks. "You'll be in Josh's platoon. He'll watch out for you and make sure you don't get into any trouble. And remember, you need to call him Sergeant Klein, especially when you're around the other recruits."

"Yes, sir," I replied.

"Good start, smartass," he said chuckling at me.

"It's my best quality, sir."

"Oh Lord, you're going to turn this into a really long summer, aren't you, Steph? Are you going to call me 'sir' throughout Basic?" Uncle Charlie asked me.

"Yes, sir," I replied with a big grin on my face. My uncle just looked at me, still laughing and shaking his head. We quickly made it to the barracks and found Uncle Josh – I mean Sergeant Klein. Crap. Remembering to call him that will be difficult. Maybe I will just stick with calling him 'sir', too. He has been Uncle Josh since Val and I came to live with Uncle Charlie and Aunt Marjie. Technically he is not an uncle in the biological sense word; but we call him Uncle Josh as a sign of respect. Sergeant Klein, Sergeant Klein, Sergeant Klein, I kept mentally repeating to myself. Must get his name right in Basic. I don't want to stick out more than I already will.

"Morning, Steph. Ready for me to whip you into shape, kiddo?" Uncle Josh asked me.

"Yes, sir," I replied, standing up straight and snapping to attention.

"At ease, kiddo. Just follow my directions and no sass in front of the recruits. Outside of Basic, we can kid and joke around like normal. Okay?"

"Yup. Um…I'll probably just always call you 'sir' because I'm going to flub saying 'Sergeant Klein'," I said. Josh just laughed at me and gave me a kiss on the forehead.

"Alright, go stand over there in parade rest," he told me. "The others should be showing up any minute now."

Uncle Charlie waved, winked at me, and then walked down the street towards his office.

It was 0455. Each minute that passed, about five recruits joined me in line until there were 48 of us. I was the only girl.

"This is your first week in Basic. As such, I don't expect you to know all of the rules today, but I do by Friday," Josh barked at us. I knew drill sergeants barked at their recruits, but wow. I wasn't expecting this. Uncle Josh is so soft spoken.

"This week we'll start each day at 0430. You have until 0500 to get your asses out here in formation. Each minute you **are** late you **will** have to run an extra mile, the complete an additional ten pushups, and ten sit-ups you will have to complete in addition to your regular PT. Do you understand me?"

"Sir, yes, sir!" We yelled in unison.

"After PT this week, you'll have thirty minutes to shower and change into your fatigues. We will then have class instruction until lunch each day this week. In class you **will** learn the rules. At noon you'll have thirty minutes for lunch. Then you'll have class until 1700. You'll have thirty minutes for dinner. If I think you need additional instruction or I have items of concern to address with you, I'll let you know and we'll meet at 1730. **Am I understood?**" Josh barked at us again. I wondered how he even had a voice at the end of the day. If I yelled at people like that all day, I wouldn't be able to speak for a week!

"Sir, yes, sir!" We yelled.

"You'll then have personal time from 2000 until 2100. At 2100 it's lights out! Now it's time to whip you maggots into shape! We'll do a slow jog for five minutes and then a medium jog until we jog two miles. Fall in line!"

Uncle Josh started yelling out a running cadence song. I sang along since I already knew the words. That's what happens when you live on an Army base for three years.

_C-130 rollin' down the strip_

_64 Rangers on a one-way trip_

_Mission Top Secret, destination unknown_

_They don't even know if they're ever coming home_

_When my plane gets up so high_

_Paratroopers take to the skies_

_Stand up, hook up, shuffle to the door_

_My knees got weak and I hit the floor_

_Jumpmaster picked me up with ease_

_Tossed my knees into the breeze_

_Count one-thousand, two-thousand, three-thousand, four_

_My main opened with a mighty roar_

_But if my main don't open wide_

_I got a reserve by my side_

_But if that one should fail me too_

_Look out below I'm a-comin' through_

_If I die on the old drop zone_

_Box me up and ship me home_

_Pin my wings upon my chest_

_And then bury me in the leaning rest_

_Well if I die on a Chinese hill_

_Take my watch or the commies will_

_But if I die in the Korean mud_

_Bury me with a case of Bud_

And we jogged. And we jogged some more. It seemed endless. If it wasn't for the fact that Charlie was a general and in charge of this base, I would've thrown in the towel, yelled that Josh was a crazy slave driver, and walked away. The problem with that was I didn't want to embarrass my uncle. (I already stole an MP's Jeep and ran over Joe Morelli – I'm sure that was more than enough embarrassment for Uncle Charlie.) Nor did I want to stand out and be noticed by the rest of the recruits. Heck, I refused to even run in gym class—I did the bare minimum in order to pass. I just didn't see the purpose, though in retrospect it might have helped if I had actually attempted to run in class this past quarter. If I had I might not have ended our jog bent over at the waist, hands on my knees, breathing hard, trying to mitigate my nausea.

Two minutes later my uncle, apparently the ultimate drill sergeant, bellowed it was time to do sit-ups. The jerk had to yank me out of line to provide visual instruction on how to do a proper Army sit-up. Thirty sit-ups later, I was lying on the ground, panting, trying to come up with some other form of punishment for Joe Morelli. If it weren't for him I **would not** be here in physical training hell.

After getting a minute to rest, Josh hollered it was time for pushups. _Holy hell_ was all I could think. I was incredibly relieved though when he chose a young, handsome, Hispanic guy to show proper pushup form. Six pushups later I was holding myself up on shaking arms and my normally soft-spoken, sweet uncle was crouched down in front of me, yelling in my face that I was a weakling that was giving up too easily. I narrowed my eyes at him and unsteadily lowered myself towards the ground. Half-way up, I was stuck, glared at him, and hissed, "I…" pant, "hate…" pant, "you!" He just grinned at me. I continued to scowl at him, causing him to have a huge smile. He quickly wiped the expression from his face and yelled at us that it was time to shower, change, and then meet outside the mess hall at 0615 for breakfast.

I glanced at my watch and realized I would have to sprint home to shower and change in order to be back in time. Taking a deep breath, I took off, making it home in three minutes. I took quite possibly my shortest shower ever, two whole minutes. I now understood why my uncle told me to start the day out with a tight bun. My riotous curly mane would have definitely caused me to be late. I changed into fatigues with "Plum" embroidered onto the breast pocket and combat boots.

My aunt stopped me at the bottom of the stairs. "Oh my! You look like such a cute little recruit! Let me take a picture for your uncle!" she exclaimed.

"Aunt Marjie, I don't have time for this! I have," I looked at my watch, "seven minutes to get back!"

"Time for your serious picture. Say cheese!" she said, smiling behind the camera. I stood straight, shoulders squared, with a stoic expression. "Ok, now time for your goofy picture. Say cheese!" I posed like I was one of Charlie's Angels. My aunt burst out laughing.

"Oh you are too much, Steph! Ok, now run along! Have a good day," she sang out.

That was easy for her to say. She didn't just have her second favorite uncle kick her ass and take pleasure in it. I sprinted to the mess hall and waited with the other recruits. At 0615, my _**formerly**_ second favorite uncle walked over with a to-go mug of coffee. "Go grab your food and then meet back here at 0630," Josh barked. I wondered if he ever got sick of yelling at everyone.

I got in line behind the handsome, young Hispanic boy who demonstrated how to do a pushup. Another cute, Hispanic boy with bright green eyes was right behind me, chatting over me.

"So what do you think of PT, _primo_?" he asked the boy in front of me. "I thought it was a piece of cake." [cousin]

"Of course you did, Santos. We have been doing this for the past year," the guy in front of me said, talking over my head.

"What did you think?" Santos asked me.

"Um…the sit-ups were ok. Pushups and running suck," I said. "Hi, I'm Steph." I held out my hand.

"Lester Santos, at your service," he said giving me a flirtatious smile. I had to laugh. I knew it wouldn't go anywhere. First, I am a minor, and it was obvious that these guys had to be adults to enlist. Second, once he found out I was the beloved niece of General Charles Plumari he would likely never flirt with me again. Nobody wants to be on the general's bad side.

"This rude guy over here," Lester said, jutting his chin to the guy in front of me, "is my cousin, Carlos Mañoso."

"Nice to meet you both," I said politely while I grabbed a preassembled plate with eggs, fruit, and toast. We got to the coffee carafe. I filled my Styrofoam cup with coffee and cream, and sniffed it. "Oh thank God for caffeine," I groaned. Then I took a sip and almost spit it back out. "On second thought, never mind. That is burnt to hell." I was incredibly disappointed. I saw my uncle watching and laughing. He likely had good coffee from some officers' lounge. I sighed.

"Come on," Lester said. He grabbed my elbow and guided me towards the others at our squad's designated table.

"So you didn't prepare and get into shape before you joined?" Carlos asked me.

"Um…" I was trying to figure out a way to answer that without lying or disclosing too much. "This was all kind of last minute." I scrunched up my nose and made a face.

"You just decided to join the Army?" Lester asked me.

"Something like that," I replied taking a big bite of my scrambled eggs. Even these were bad. _How can the cooks mess up eggs?_

"We decided to join up over a year ago, but had already committed to a year at Rutgers. So we had plenty of time to prep," Les said.

"What made you decide to leave college?" I asked them.

"Sitting behind a desk and reading text books is not enjoyable. I like being more active. I felt caged in class," Carlos said.

"I am too hyper to sit in class all day and then study all night. Now, if you want to talk about partying all night, I'm your guy," Les replied wiggling his eyebrows up and down.

"Ignore my idiot cousin," Carlos said.

I laughed. "I am not taking him seriously," I said with a smile.

"You wound me, Beautiful," Lester said.

"Somehow I doubt that," I shook my head and bent my head down to finish eating. I knew we had less than five minutes to finish up and I was starving.

We finished up our breakfasts. Then I grabbed our trays to bring back so that they could be washed. Josh walked over to return his tray and had another to-go mug of coffee.

"Here, drink this. It's not the swill that they serve in here. It's actually somewhat drinkable," he said, covertly passing it to me.

"Thank you!" I said. I took a sip as I walked back towards Carlos and Lester. It was still bad, but drinkable.

I looked at the rest of my platoon. I was the only girl in it. So much for not standing out, I thought. We all walked to the building where classes were held, and also housed my uncle's office, in a single file line. We sat alphabetically and I was again between Carlos and Lester. Class was painfully boring. I actually already knew everything Uncle Josh was teaching us as Uncle Charlie had given me the text and told me I had to read and know it before Basic started. I was bored out of my mind. I pretended to take notes, but in reality I was brainstorming ways to get back at Joe. One broken leg just didn't seem like it was enough of a punishment for taking my virginity, humiliating me, and then causing me to spend my summer vacation in Basic. Okay, so _**maybe**_ I am the one that made the decision to steal the Jeep and run him over, but I still partially blame him. Rat bastard. This time though, I can't commit a felony and get caught.

So far my list consisted of this:

_Put superglue on his computer mouse and keyboard in my uncle's office_

_Put NAIR™ in his shampoo so he ends up losing his hair (need Mary Lou's help)_

_Duck tape his desk drawer closed_

_Stink bomb his room (need ML's help)_

_Ex-Lax™ in his coffee (after Basic is over, would have to visit Uncle Charlie's office)_

_Write on Women's bathroom walls that he has an STD _

_Weaken a crutch so it breaks while he hobbles around_

My list still needed serious help.

I sat with Lester and Carlos again at lunch. They seemed nice enough and I felt safe around them. Hmm…maybe I shouldn't trust my judgment. I did go out with Joe…but I'm not going to date these guys. They are adults and I'm going to be a freshman in high school.

"So you seem like you have no problem paying attention in class. You took a ton of notes," Les said. "Can I borrow them? I'm sure I only got half of the important points down." Les grabbed my notebook and flipped to the two pages that had writing. On the left side of my notebook, there were notes. On the right side…Operation Vengeance.

"Woah, Beautiful! What is this? Operation Vengeance?" Les said way too loudly. Josh looked over at me from the other end of the table, raising his eyebrows at me. I gave him my best I'm-a-little-angel look. "Hmmm….I'm liking the NAIR™ in the shampoo bottle. Instead of stink bombing, have you thought of wrapping up fish in newspaper and putting it in his vents? It'll be this slow stench that'll be hard to find…. What do you think _primo_?" [cousin]

Carlos grabbed my notebook and looked at my notes.

"You could cut power to his house in the middle of the night so he ends up late. You could weaken one of the legs on his office chair so it breaks in case he is off of his crutches by the time you put this into action. Should I ask why you are doing this?" He raised his right eyebrow at me.

"Maybe I'll tell you in the future. If I ask you for help, I'll explain it to you," I replied.

"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," Les said.

"Hm, something like that," I replied. We cleaned up and headed back to class. Of course I saw Joe in the hallway. He glowered at me and I gave him my best angelic smile. Sitting down in the classroom, Carlos turned to me.

"Is Operation Vengeance for Crutch Boy out in the hall?" Carlos asked me quietly. Les perked up at that.

"Shh," I hushed them. Uncle Josh was walking into the room and I didn't want him to hear more than he already had. Les kicked me under the table and raises both of his eyebrows as if to repeat Carlos' question. I nodded in agreement. Les broke out into a huge smile, which quickly vanished as Josh barked that it was time for class to begin.

I made sure to take good notes, knowing that Les would need them. The guy apparently had ADHD. I could feel his leg jiggling under the table. I looked over to see Les and Carlos' notes and they were both working on their own Operation Vengeance ideas.

Huh, I thought. Who knew I would quickly make friends with two guys in Basic Training that would take on my vendetta as their own? I then paid attention to Josh again, taking copious notes for the boys. I knew I wouldn't need them, but they would. Class ended and I was beyond thankful.

"You guys should be good for today. I don't have anything extra to go over with you after dinner. Enjoy your dinners," he called out. Our platoon quickly disbursed, but Lester and Carlos stuck with me.

"Does Crutch Boy have a car?" Lester asked me. "We could always let the air out of his tires."

"Yeah, he has his own POS," I replied.

"I'll add that to the list," Carlos said yanking my notebook out of my arms and writing it down in neat, small block letters. "If he has a girlfriend, we could leave a bunch of empty condom wrappers in his car. Then the girlfriend sees it, realizes he didn't use them with her and gets mad at him."

"Add those to the list, please," I replied. I apparently made friends with vengeance masterminds. "We can also add sugar to his gas tank. My uncle said that stops engines." I saw Carlos write that down on my list.

Lester's eyes suddenly flashed with excitement. "I've got it! You can rub scentless IcyHot™ in his drawers so that his junk will feel like it's on fire"

"Oh my God, that's brilliant! And it's scary that you thought of that. Isn't that against 'guy code' or something?" I asked.

"Totally, but I would recommend it to a guy that screwed over my baby sister," Lester replied.

"Thinking along those same lines…" I said, "well, I was thinking about putting Krazy Glue™ on his keyboard and mouse, but what if I Krazy Glued™ his dick to his leg?" I saw both Carlos and Lester flinch.

"Definitely vengeance worthy," Carlos replied, again adding to my list. "Some of this is going to require some B and E. And gluing himself to his leg…you might need to drug him to get that accomplished."

"What's B and E?" I asked.

"Breaking and entering, Beautiful," Lester replied. "Never tried it?"

"Can't say I have, but then I'm averse to going to jail. I kind of lucked out last week," I replied.

"You don't like to go to jail? You just don't know how to have fun!" Les exclaimed.

I laughed. "You're crazy."

"So what do you mean you lucked out last week?" Carlos asked me.

"Eh…I broke his leg," I said. I didn't need to give them all of the details. Carlos raised an eyebrow at me. "It's a story for another time. But…getting back to the list, if you can help me with breaking into his house, I can probably get my friend, Mary Lou, to help with drugging him so he'll sleep through the actual gluing," I said thinking aloud. "She's dating his brother. I can give her one of my sleeping pills to dissolve in his drink one night. I could probably do the IcyHot™ in his underwear that same night, too."

"I would do those at separate times," Carlos said. "Maybe your friend could do the IcyHot™ a few weeks after the gluing." By this point we had walked over to the Mess Hall.

I grabbed my notebook from Carlos. "Thanks for your help thinking up ideas. I'll catch you in the morning. I have some things I need to do." I shot them both a smile and walked back home.

By the time I made it home I was exhausted. Uncle Charlie and Aunt Marjie were having their typical afternoon cocktail on the wrap-around porch. I flopped down on the wicker couch across from my guardians.

"So how was your first day?" my aunt asked. I knew Uncle Charlie wouldn't have to ask since Josh would give him a report at the end of the day.

"Good. Exhausting. Made some friends. They're actually cousins," I replied.

Aunt Marjie seemed unsatisfied with the lack of detail in my response. "How was PT? And tell me more about your friends."

"Um…well, Uncle Josh is a slave driver. He took pleasure in watching me struggle with my pushups and yelled in my face. You know how hard it was for me to not yell back? It helped that I was out of breath and that I don't want to stand out to the rest of the platoon. Those are two reasons why I didn't yell right back."

"Stephanie, Basic will help to teach you discipline…and learning to keep your mouth shut," Uncle Charlie responded.

"I think keeping my mouth shut goes against the hardwiring in my brain. I've always been a smartass," I said.

"Language Stephanie!" Aunt Marjie said. While she is far easier to talk to and less judgmental than my mother was, my aunt is a stickler for language.

"Sorry Aunt Marj. And back to my friends…um, their names are Lester and Carlos. They decided to enlist last year, but had already committed to a year at Rutgers, so they had to wait. During that year, they were crazy and actually looked up all the PT stuff and did it every day, so it's a breeze for them."

My aunt looked at her watch. "Oh! It's time for me to finish up dinner. We'll talk more later!" With that, she left my uncle and me on the porch.

"I heard you did well today. Josh was amazed all you did was whisper that you hated him after he yelled in your face. He also said you did pretty well keeping up with the running and sit-ups. He was surprised, especially since he knows your feelings towards exercising. He also said you paid attention and took a lot of notes in class. He was really pleased with you." Uncle Charlie looked happy and relieved, likely because I didn't embarrass him. I just gave him a tired smile in return.

"I'm going to go take a long, **hot** shower before dinner," I said. I gave my uncle a kiss on the cheek and headed inside for some relief for my tired and aching body.

Dinner was our typical family, sit-down meal. Valerie was only mildly condescending to me and I actually got out of having to clean up the kitchen since I was doing Basic Training. Val wasn't pleased to have an additional chore, but I didn't care to help her. I was bone tired. By 1900 I was in bed, listening to music and writing in my journal.

_June 8, 1997_

_Song of the day: Erykah Badu, "On &amp; On" _

_I hurt. My whole body hurts. What was I thinking when I ran over Joe? Right…I wasn't thinking. I just acted impulsively. This time, I'm putting thought into getting him back. How you ask? I call it __**Operation Vengeance**__ and I've had plenty of time to think about it today while being tortured with PT and class (during the summer no less!). I was planning on acting on my own, but I think I will need help with some of my ideas. I know ML will help me because she's pissed at Joe for how he treated me. She has access to Joe and nobody will ever be suspicious of her since she is dating his brother, Anthony. _

_Two of the guys in Basic actually helped me come up with some of the ideas on my list. They are about 19 or 20, I guess. I haven't told them I'm 14½, but they made a comment that they would help their little sister get back at a guy if he treated her poorly. Hopefully they'll keep looking at me like that when/if I tell them how old I am. I think they will. They seem like good guys even if L made a crack that I don't know how to have fun since I don't like being arrested. I think I will ask them for their help. They seem to have experience with B and E. I didn't even know what that meant until they told me. I have a feeling that with their help, I could get back at Joe and not get caught._

_I can barely keep my eyes open and it is only…1915. Stupid Basic Training. I'm going to bed. _


	3. Chapter 3

Chpt 3.

We had completed two whole weeks of Basic Training. That is fourteen straight days of not sleeping in and enjoying my summer vacation. I still haven't told Carlos and Lester that I'm the general's niece, but they know I'm a kid and they treat me like their kid sister. They just assume I'm related to some high up guy on base. It's actually pretty nice and makes me feel more comfortable in the platoon. One guy was hitting on me and making me really uncomfortable at lunch when Josh was off eating with the other drill sergeants. My two "brothers" put him in his place and now nobody bothers me.

Lester was a little mortified when he found out my age; I heard in detail about his last tryst before Basic Training started. He told me to forget everything he told me. I replied that as much as I would like to forget, it's impossible to bleach my brain. Even Carlos laughed at that one. I love Lester and all, but he is a man-whore. Carlos might be one too, but he doesn't screw and tell.

"You guys ready for dinner?" I asked them. I actually made plans with my aunt and uncle that I would have dinner with Les and Carlos tonight in the Mess Hall. Carlos, being his normal stoic self, just raised an eyebrow at me. "I need to talk with you. Can we grab a quiet area?"

"Sure, kiddo," Les replied. He tugged on my braid. After we got our disgusting food (Seriously, how can they serve such awful slop?) we grabbed a table in the corner.

"So…I should probably tell you the whole story…" my voice trailed off.

"You mean how you ended up in Basic Training during your summer break?" Carlos asked me, shoveling in whatever the heck we were served for dinner. I didn't even recognize it.

"So, Crutch Boy as you guys have so nicely nicknamed him is actually Joe Morelli. His dad is a staff sergeant on base. He lives a few minutes away from where I do. He asked me to the movies and I didn't realize he has a _**reputation**_. He's a couple years older than me, so I was clueless…." I felt my face heat up in shame. "We, uh…had sex in the movie theater. I didn't want to, but I didn't say 'no' because I didn't want him to talk about me to other people. So if losing my virginity in a gross movie theater wasn't bad enough, he wouldn't talk to me afterwards, and then he wrote about me in a bunch of public bathrooms. Talk about humiliation. When I found out…well, I plead insanity. I wasn't thinking and I kind of stole the MP's Jeep and ran Joe over, breaking his leg."

Les and Carlos looked infuriated when I told them about Joe. If they were cartoon characters, smoke would be billowing from their ears. "How did you not get arrested and go through juvenile court?" Carlos asked me.

"See…I live with my aunt and uncle on base. They've been my sister's and my guardians for the past three years, since our parents died. I'm sure you guessed that they were far from happy with my behavior. My uncle decided he would discipline me by making me go through Basic during the summer and made a deal with Sergeant Morelli so that I wouldn't be charged with anything," I said.

"I still don't see how you got out of being charged with stealing the MP's Jeep," Les said.

"My uncle is General Plumari." Carlos kept his features relatively motionless, but I did see his eyes open just a fraction larger than normal. Les, on the other hand, started choking on his water.

"Jesus, Plum. When you drop a bomb, you go nuclear," he finally said after he stopped coughing and was able to talk again.

"It's not _that bad_. He knows who you are and that you treat me like a kid sister. You protected me from Bernie Kuntz over there. I told him you guys ultimately want to be Rangers and have the best PT scores so far. If you keep doing well, I'm sure he would help give you guys the recommendations needed to qualify." I hoped that knowing that would help put them at ease a little. After all, it was the truth and having the general like you immediately from Basic Training and follow their careers (which I am sure Uncle Charlie will do) would ultimately help them get into the Rangers.

"I have a dumb and unimportant question. Why is your last name Plum and your uncle's is Plumari? I'm assuming that the general is your paternal uncle since the last names are so similar," Les asked.

"There are a lot Plumaris on the East Coast. They have their own Mafia family. When my parents became engaged, my mom made my dad change his last name to Plum because she didn't want 'the neighbors gossiping about them being related to the Family'. My mom was obsessed with appearances and what people thought of her. My sister is like mini-Mom.

"But, that is not why I told you guys about the Morelli humiliation. I told you because I'm hoping you'll help me out with Operation Vengeance. Uncle Josh already pulled me aside and told me he knew I was planning something and that I should reconsider my plans because Uncle Charlie will end up sending me to military school if I get in trouble again. I know I need help, otherwise I'll get caught and military school is not an option. You guys have made some comments the past couple weeks…you seem to know how to break into houses and not get caught. Plus I would need lookouts. Would you guys be willing to help me? Pretty, pretty please," I asked.

Les and Carlos broke out into beautiful and equaling blinding smiles. "Our little girl is growing up so quickly," Les joked to Carlos.

"I'm assuming that your smiles mean you'll help me then?"

"You got it. We can't let you get caught again. You already got caught stealing the MP's Jeep," Carlos said quietly, but I could tell he was somewhat excited to help me. "We'll have to do some recon to make sure we're prepared and don't get caught."

"Yeah, _mi primo_ knows all about getting caught. Don't you Carlos?" [my cousin]

It was my turn to raise my eyebrows.

Lester continued, "He got caught for grand theft auto when we were fourteen. After he got out of juvie, _Tío Ricardo _and _Tía María _sent him down to live with our _abuela_, Rosa, for high school in Miami." [Uncle Ricardo, Aunt Maria, grandmother]

"Getting back on track, we need to plan. Les and I both have Charge of Quarters, CQ, this week from 0300 until 0400 each night. Nobody else will be awake then, so we can easily slip away to do some recon. Think you can get away?" Carlos asked, effectively changing the topic of conversation. He obviously didn't want to talk about his brush with the law.

I explained that I could easily sneak out because my bedroom window was right over the porch roof and then I could shimmy down one of the support beams. I've had a lot of practice over the past few years, sneaking out of the house to meet up with Mary Lou in the middle of the night. Carlos opened my Operation Vengeance notebook and started writing down things we needed to look for when we were on recon this week. Listening to the boys discuss what we needed to look for, like the types of locks they have on their doors, if they leave windows open at night, when people wake up in their house, etc., I realized that if I did this on my own, I would most definitely get caught and in more trouble, _again_.

This is what led me to being dressed in all black and crawling out my window at 0255 on Tuesday morning and sitting on the roof, waiting for the boys to arrive at my house. Ten minutes later the boys arrived, and I slid down one of the roof support beams to where they were waiting. We stealthily traveled the few blocks over to where the Morelli's lived. I pointed out which window was Joe's. The boys looked at the locks on the front and back doors. Then we settled in, hiding in different shadows, watching to see if any of the Morellis are up and moving before 0400. We continued to monitor the house each night for the rest of the week, and were happy to note that none of them seem to get up that early in the morning.

The following week, the boys had CQ from 0200 to 0300 and we decided that was a good week for me to make a strike against Joe. So on early Wednesday morning, I was crawling into Joe's window. We decided this was the best way to get into the house since the Morelli's didn't have air conditioning, and Joe slept with the window open. The screen was easy enough to slide up quietly, not that it would wake up Joe. Mary Lou slipped Joe one of my Ambien™ earlier in the evening when she gave him a beer. (Yeah, I know. I can't believe his parents don't care that he drinks underage.)

I looked down at Joe who was passed out in bed, on his back with an arm thrown over his eyes. I quickly opened the Krazy Glue™ and then pulled up a leg of his boxer briefs so I could glue him. I really had no desire to touch him again, but it was necessary in order to get a little revenge. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I was wearing rubber gloves, so I wouldn't actually be touching him skin to skin. I quickly squeezed out the whole tube of Krazy Glue™, adjusted his dick so it was lying on top of the glue, pulled my hand out from his boxer briefs and let the cotton hold him in place. I silently laughed to myself that he would have a nasty surprise when he woke up in the morning. I slipped back out through the window, slid the screen down and made my way down the roof to where the boys would help lower me down to the ground. I maneuvered my body so that my lower half of was hanging off the roof. I felt Carlos' hand grab my legs and then I slowly slid the rest of my body down until Carlos had hold of me by the waist.

"Drop now," he whispered. I gently pushed off and was easily lowered to the ground by my very buff Cuban "brother". "How did it go?" We quietly ran to wear Lester was stationed as a lookout and then quietly travelled in the shadows back to my house.

"Easy-peasy. He didn't wake up. Hell, he didn't even move other than breathing. I think using Ambien did the trick," I said. I was quite smug with our planning and execution. "See you in a couple hours." I gave them both a kiss on the cheek as thanks.

The boys helped boost me up so I could climb onto the porch roof and back into my bedroom. I looked at the clock. It was 0245. I decided I could easily get another hour and a half of sleep and promptly passed out.

The alarm rang at 0430, rousing me from sleep. I changed into my ARMY t-shirt, shorts, and sneakers and went down to the kitchen. I learned that I had plenty of time in the morning to make and drink coffee before PT as long as I left clothes out at night and slept with my hair already in a bun. My uncle came downstairs and saw me, eyes half-closed, sipping my mug of coffee. He poured himself a mug and smiled at me.

"So I was talking to Josh yesterday and you'll never guess what he told me," Uncle Charlie said with a big grin on his face. He was one of those annoying people that woke up instantly with a big grin on his face, no matter how early. Morning people like my uncle annoy the crap out of me.

"Uh…I don't know. It's too early for guessing games," I said yawning. I was more tired than normal due my illegal nighttime activity.

"Guess who has the third best run time and number of sit-ups completed in your platoon?" he asked me.

"Smith?" I asked, not giving the question any thought, and taking another sip of coffee.

"Nope! You!" My uncle was looking at me with such a proud expression on his face that his morning perkiness did not actually annoy me for once. I gaped at him.

"Seriously?"

"Yep! You are the talk of the base. You are kicking most of your platoon's butts and you're only fourteen. Obviously, you take after the Plumari side of the family," he said.

I had to laugh at that. I will let Uncle Charlie attribute it to being a Plumari. I attribute it to doing whatever I can to keep up with Les and Carlos.

"You just need to work on your pushups. You're in the middle of the pack there."

I finished my coffee and gave my uncle a kiss on the cheek. "Time for me to get moving. I'll see you at dinner?"

"Have a good day, Sweetie," he called out.

I met up with the guys and the rest of the platoon. We did our normal daily routine, but in the afternoon we were learning and practicing to handle different types of guns. Being the general's niece put me at an advantage. He decided when we came to live with them that we needed to be trained how to handle guns properly. Val did the bare minimum, but I got lots of additional training from Charlie because he noticed that I was a very good shot. I know it's not normal for eleven year olds, let alone twelve year old girls, to be taught how to do distance shooting with a sniper rifle, but I went along with it because it was a good bonding experience with my uncle. We've continued practicing for the past two years.

I was the best shot in our platoon. I was the first to finish in our platoon. Since I didn't need additional instruction (and I wasn't a real recruit) Josh told me to go to Uncle Charlie's office with a little note from him and my targets. On my way out, I wished Carlos and Lester luck and told them to keep their targets so I could look at them later and get an idea of their skill level. I promised them that I'd try to get some extra target practice time from my uncle. I practically skipped to his office, I was so happy. I had another achievement that would thrill the man that took my sister and me in when we were orphaned.

I walked into Uncle Charlie's office's and saw Delores, his secretary. His door was closed, so I went over to talk to her. "Hi Miss Delores. How are you?" I asked. If there was one thing my mother achieved in her short life with me, it was teaching me 'Burg manners.

"Hey Steph. How're you doing, kiddo?" she greeted me.

"Pretty awesome actually! Will Uncle Charlie be available anytime soon?"

"He should be wrapping up his meeting with General Kowalski shortly. Why don't you take a seat and wait? I'm sure he'll be thrilled to see you. Say, aren't you out of Basic kind of early?" she asked me.

"Yup! Today everyone was doing target practice on different types of guns. I finished first and didn't need additional instruction so Uncle Josh sent me over with my targets and a note for Uncle Charlie."

"Well, that's not a surprise. The general has had you shooting since you came to live with them, right? So that's what two or three years?"

"Yup. It's my 'bonding activity' with Uncle Charlie. Hey, where's Morelli? I thought he had to be here every day doing menial jobs all summer as part of his punishment?" I asked. I narrowed my eyes and crinkled my nose when saying his name. I hoped I came off as convincing. I wanted to make it seem like I disliked him, but had no idea why he wouldn't be into work today.

Delores laughed at my 'bonding activity' comment. "Men truly have no idea how to bond with girls, but no matter, it actually fits you pretty well. Yes, Joseph is supposed to be here everyday, but Angela, his mother, called in this morning saying he was feeling terribly and she had to take him to the ER. I hope he's ok. He might be a…troublemaker, for lack of a better term, but I don't wish him ill."

"Eh, I just hope for no interaction with him," I said. "I personally go the avoidance route." Just then my uncle's office door opened and a big man, who I was assuming was General Kowalski, came out with my uncle, chatting about making a tee time for Saturday while he was still in town.

"There's my favorite little recruit," joked my uncle when he saw me. "What're you doing here? I thought training still went for another couple hours."

"They're all learning to shoot and hit their targets. Uncle Josh had me demonstrate all the different guns for everyone and then finish up target practice. He had his hands full with everyone and I obviously needed no help or further practice so he sent me on my way a couple hours into it. He told me to show you my targets and give you this note," I said handing over my targets and Josh's quick missive.

"Well, will you look at this Jimmy?" He showed General Kowalski my targets. All of my shots were dead center with the type of gun was labeled below. My uncle gave me a side squeeze hug and a kiss on top of my head.

General Kowalski was looking at my sniper target. "Hmmm, we should send you for additional training. We could definitely use good female snipers. I also heard you're third in your squad for PT in everything but pushups. You're doing better than my boy did when he went through Basic!"

I just looked at Uncle Charlie. Additional training? Did General Kowalski know I was going to be a _**freshman in high school**_?

Uncle Charlie gave him a brilliant, proud smile and said laughing, "I'm not sure I see Steph going for additional training to be a sniper. This little one is just a freshman in high school."

General Kowalski looked shocked. Apparently my uncle didn't tell him my age when he was bragging about me. I know he didn't think anything about me going through Basic at such a young age though. It is actually a pretty common practice to throw officers' kids in Basic during the summer if they're in need of a_ diversion_.

Then he got a faraway look in his eyes. "Hmm…doesn't mean we can't give her additional training. The younger you start with training and your natural talent, the better off you'll be. I wonder if we can get her past having to do Basic again when she is eighteen since she is already completing it…."

I looked at my uncle again. This time I was disturbed. Did I miss the memo that I was enlisting when I turned eighteen? Then I remembered my manners. "Thank you for the compliment, General Kowalski. It's a great honor to hear such a decorated general to say that about me. I will keep that in mind when I decide my future."

"You definitely think about it! Your uncle and I can get you excellent training," General Kowalski said. He looked at his watch, "Shoot, I have to get going. I have a conference call with the Joint Chiefs in fifteen that I need to get set up for. It was nice meeting you, Stephanie. You have a bright future! Call me with the tee time on Saturday, Charlie." And with that, he walked out the door.

My uncle walked back into his office and I followed him, quietly closing the door.

"Do you have some sort of plan for me to enlist when I turn eighteen?" I asked.

"I have thought about approaching you about it, but ultimately, I want you to make your own decisions. If you are rudderless when you graduate and have no plans to go to college, then I'll make you enlist then," he said.

"Yes, sir," I said quietly. I mentally added "research colleges" to my mental to-do list that I had for when Basic Training was done.

"Now, I must say: Your targets are fantastic! You're more accurate that most of our experienced men. Josh's note is quite complimentary. You really are a natural shot…. If you do end up considering enlisting, we can definitely get you some additional training during the summers. You'll have to let me know, kiddo," Uncle Charlie said. He looked at his own watch. "Crap, I have a telephone meeting with the General of the Army in a few minutes. How would you feel if we moved after you finish Basic, but before school starts?"

I raised my eyebrows at him. "I guess I would be ok with it. I don't think I want to move _during_ high school if we can avoid it, but right before it starts, I'm ok with. Why? Are they sending you to a different base?"

"Last week he asked me how I would feel about taking over Fort Benning in Georgia. They want me to help revamp the Rangers training program," he told me. "Marjie was all for it, but she looks at every move as a new adventure. I know Valerie's sour about living on _**any**_ military base, but those are the breaks for her. I didn't know how you felt though."

I stood up and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I think it sounds like a great honor. If he officially offers it to you, you should take it. I'll see you at home for dinner."

Later that night I crawled into bed at 2000 to write in my journal.

_June 23, 2007_

_Song of the day: Meredith Brooks' "Bitch"_

_Success! L and C helped me with Operation Vengeance this morning. Let's just put it this way: Joe had to go to the ER to unglue his pecker. Hah! Ok, so I'm a vengeful bitch, but he deserves it! _

_At dinner Uncle C announced we are moving to Fort Benning in mid-August to take over the base. The current general in charge there is retiring and they want Uncle to help revamp the Ranger program. I'm actually kind of excited. Plus, if he's in charge, that means L and C will have an even better chance of getting into the Rangers program later. I can hope, right? I know they wouldn't qualify for a couple years, but it would still be nice to see them again in the future. I'll miss them when they're deployed._

_Oh, also Uncle C is proud. I am ranked #1 in shooting (no big surprise, but still, YAY!), and third in running and sit-ups. I am pathetically middle of the pack in push-ups, but I'm told that is still decent since I'm a girl and the rest of the platoon I made up of guys. Either way, I'm pretty proud. _

_Time for bed. Nighty-night journal._


	4. Chapter 4

Chpt. 4

The fourth and fifth weeks of Basic passed quickly. While everyone was concentrating on their marksmanship, I was helping Carlos and Lester become good shots. In turn, they helped me with my upper body strength so that I could do better in the trials. The three of us finished first through third out of all of the platoons. Carlos got first in PT and third in Marksmanship. Lester got second in PT and Marksmanship. I got third in PT and first in Marksmanship. My uncle was thrilled with my performance and the fact that I was friends with, and watched out for by the guys ranked one and two.

During our eighth week of Basic, the boys helped me break into the Morelli house again. That night I put Nair™ in his shampoo (I knew which one was his by its gross scent.) and rubbed scentless IcyHot™ in his entire collection of boxer briefs. By the ninth week, Joe's hair was looking pretty patchy and he was constantly squirming. Mary Lou told me that Joe asked his brother if he knew what type of STDs made a guy's twig and berries feel like they were on fire and if it could cause hair loss if not treated. I about died laughing when Mary Lou told me that.

Without even realizing it a few more weeks had passed and it was graduation weekend. Since I was not actually enlisted I would not participate in the ceremony and I obviously wouldn't go to the bars afterward, but I was still going with Aunt Marjie to watch Uncle Charlie's speech and cheer on Carlos, Lester, and the rest of my platoon. I was so enthusiastic in my cheering that both Carlos and Lester turned, looked, and smiled at me when they were walking across the stage.

I saw them walking towards me once it was time to reunite with the recruits' families. I knew that Les' parents were unable to come up from Miami and Carlos' parents weren't coming due his strained relationship with them; however, the boys' grandmother, Abuela Rosa, did make the trip and I was excited to meet her. I heard lots of great stories about how she is this tiny little dynamo and nobody goes against her wishes in the family. She is a true matriarch. Also, if she hears anyone swearing in her house, she chases him or her with a wooden spoon. She sounds pretty amazing and spunky to me. I hope I am like that at her age.

I was jumping up in down in my tank top, skirt and sandals. "Oh my God! I am so proud of you guys!" I threw myself into both Les' and Carlos' arms, giving them huge, enthusiastic hugs. I could hear my aunt and uncle laughing behind me, saying something about how I was always filled with joie de vivre.

"_¡__Hola mis nietos__!_" said a tiny Hispanic woman, with salt and pepper hair pulled back in a French twist. She wore a floral dress and even in her 60s, she was still a very attractive woman. It was no wonder where the boys get their good looks from! [Hi my grandchildren!]

"_Hola Abuela Rosa__,_" Carlos and Les said in unison. They both bent down to hug and kiss her. [Hi Grandma Rosa.]

"_¡__Me siento tan orgulloso de que completaron el programa__!"_ she said. [I am so proud that you both completed the program!]

"_Abuela, queremos presentarte a nuestra amiga, Stephanie. Ella solamente habla inglés_," Carlos said. [Grandma, we want to introduce our friend Stephanie. She only speaks English.]

"Hello, Stephanie. I've heard so much about you from the boys. They think the world of you. You made them feel like they had family here," Rosa said in heavily accented English. "It's quite impressive that you completed Basic Training at such a young age. How did you manage to get in the program?"

Apparently the Carlos and Les didn't tell her about my…_troubles_ shall we say. I was very grateful for that and embarrassed by her compliment. "Thank you very much ma'am. I had to complete Basic Training as a punishment. I got into a bit of trouble and my uncle arranged it. Oh, let me introduce you to them," I said, turning around and tapping on my aunt and uncle's shoulders. They were standing behind me, talking to Uncle Josh. "Aunt Marjie, Uncle Charlie, and Uncle Josh, this is Carlos' and Les' grandmother, Rosa."

Pleasantries were exchanged. My uncles told abuela Rosa how talented the boys were. Somehow or another, while Carlos, Les, and I were talking, abuela Rosa hit it off with Aunt Marjie. Then everyone was invited over for a cookout at our house. I hoped Carlos and Les didn't mind having to hang around instead of go to the bars as early as they would have liked. I knew Les wanted to find one (Or more. **Can we say '**_**ewwwww**_**!'?**) woman to _spend time with_ tonight. I figured Carlos felt the same way; he just didn't verbalize it when I was around.

Everyone ate lots of food, talked, danced, and even sang karaoke. I'm not sure how the karaoke part happened especially considering Uncle Charlie and Josh are beyond tone deaf, but it was pretty entertaining to watch. Apparently everyone loses their inhibitions after a few beers. Aunt Marjie and abuela Rosa did a duet of "It's Raining Men." I about died laughing, especially when Les went out and danced with them while they were singing. Les and I did our own duet of Chumbawamba's "Tubthumping" along with a lot of jumping up and down. Carlos refused to sing karaoke or dance, but he had a good time sitting there laughing at us.

Around 1900 I was saying good-bye to Abuela Rosa, Carlos, and Les. I was getting pretty teary-eyed because I didn't know when I would get to see them again. They had become such good friends this summer that I knew I would feel a part of me was missing when they were gone. I also worried about them because they were being sent to Bosnia and I knew it was a mess over there. As much as I worried, I knew that was the life of a soldier.

"I'm going to miss you guys so much. I know you won't be able to write super often and I don't know what type of computer access you will have, but promise you will write or email me when you can," I sniffled, giving both the boys hugs.

Abuela Rosa came over to us and asked why I was so sad. When I replied that I was going to miss them and hated saying good-bye, she said in her heavily accented English, "Oh, I guess your aunt didn't tell you yet. Hmmm…she must be in the house packing for you right now. You're coming down to Miami with us tomorrow while they are on leave and your family moves to Fort Benning."

"What?" I asked, slack-jawed.

"I told your aunt and uncle you were more than welcome to come stay with us in Miami while the boys were on leave. They felt badly that you didn't have any downtime this summer and now they have to pack up and move. Florida will be a nice vacation, ¿sí?" she asked me.

I stared in shock at abuela Rosa for a few seconds and then remembered to answer her. "Oh, yes, very nice! Thank you! That is incredibly generous." I gave her a hug and then turned to Carlos and Les.

"Do you mind having me around during your leave? Les, you have a younger sister I can hang with when you guys go out to the bars to troll for women, right?" I asked quietly. Les shook his head affirmatively with a smile, making me feel a little better.

"You're always welcome to stay with our family, kiddo," Carlos said.

I gave them a huge smile and started jumping up and down like the typical teenage girl. "WOOHOO! MIAMI HERE I COME!" I screamed and scrambled off into the house to find my aunt.

_August 22, 1997_

_Song of the day: Jamiroquai's "Cosmic Girl"_

_OH MY GOD! I'm going to Miami tomorrow with Abuela Rosa, L, and C. I'm so excited! I'm going on a vacation with two of my favorite people and no Valerie! Can we say HEAVEN?_

_Aunt M was talking to abuela R about my summer and lack of fun time. Abuela R invited me to stay with them. How nice of her is that? I'm surprised that Aunt M and Uncle C agreed to that considering they're overprotective, but they said they trust her a lot. "She is good people" according to my uncle. _

_I'm excited to meet L's family, too. I've only heard about them. I can't wait to meet his sister, Lexi. I know both L and C are really close to Lexi and that they missed her during Basic. They said we'd get along really well – their only concern was that we would get into trouble because we both 'lacked impulse control'. (Yeah, when they told me that, I was shocked because seriously, what type of 19 year-old guy talks like that? It was also laughable since C went to juvie for grand theft auto, but I didn't point out that hypocrisy.)_

_Ack! It's already 2300 and we are leaving at 0700. Time for bed. Nighty-night._


	5. Chapter 5

Chpt. 5

Miami is pretty great. I _**love**_ the beach and really missed living near one when we lived on base in Columbia, South Carolina. I will continue to be landlocked in Georgia, but for now, I am going to soak up the sun, surf, and sand while I can. Lexi and I are currently sunbathing in South Beach. The guys were with us, but were distracted by overly tan skin (that bordered on Oompa Loompa orange) and over-inflated flotation devices they call boobs before we even put our towels down. Lexi and I laughed at them.

I really enjoy hanging out with Lexi. We have similar senses of humor, like the same TV shows and bands, and she loves food just as much as me. She doesn't have a boyfriend, nor does she care if she has one right now. Mary Lou, my best friend back on base, is a great, loyal friend, but she is wrapped up in Anthony right now.

Lexi said she might have been interested in boys if she didn't spend so much time with Les and Carlos. She said that any guy that she might be remotely interested in they scare off because they are "overprotective". (Personally, I was thankful that they were protective of me in Basic; Bernie Kuntz freaked me out and they took care of him.) Plus, according to her, Les and Carlos are and have always been total cads and if they are like that, she has no faith in teenage boys. I was pretty disappointed to here both Les and Carlos were man-whores. I knew from the get-go that Les was, but a little part of me hope Carlos was different. Why I hoped that and why I am now disappointed in him, I am not sure. No matter their skirt-chasing ways, I still adore them.

Just then Carlos and Les came back to where we were laying on our towels.

"Where are your bathing suits?" Carlos asked.

"Open your eyes. We're wearing them," I replied pushing my sunglasses up on my head so I could reapply sunblock to my face.

"Those are not bathing suits!" Les exclaimed.

"You might want to tell Macy's that," Lexi replied drily. "We purchased them in the bathing suit section."

"Those are three triangular scraps of fabric held together by string. Put your clothes on and cover up," Carlos growled.

"Lex, I see what you mean by _**over**_protective and how that can get annoying," I said pushing my sunglasses back on face and flipping over on my stomach. I untied my top so that I wouldn't have tan lines on my back. Plus I knew it would annoy them further. If they were going to bother me, I would purposely poke the bear so to speak.

"Are you trying to find another Morelli?" Carlos bit out.

"Low blow, and no, I'm not looking for a guy. If you hadn't noticed, we're working on our tans and not even talking to any guys except you two. You can stick around and keep guys away if you are _that_ concerned. Now, would you like me to comment on your guys' choice of women?" I asked turning my head to look at them. They were silent and glaring at me. "No? Ok, then stop flipping out about our swimsuits. We are trying to _**enjoy**_ the beach, not be badgered by you two."

They silently grabbed their towels from our beach bag and spread them out next to Lexi and I so that we were sandwiched between them. I looked at Lexi and rolled my eyes. "Are they always this bad?" I asked Lexi.

"Nope, it seems to me they are worse since you got here," she said cheerfully. Then she addressed Les and Carlos. "By the way, you are both idiots considering Steph can out shoot both of you. I am sure she can take care of herself."

Grudgingly, Les said, "Yes, she can for the most part, but some guys are just too big and could overpower either of you. And she doesn't have a gun here."

"Then teach us more self-defense rather than flip about what we wear to the beach," Lexi said with a yawn. "Now since you are both here to watch out for us pathetic girls, I am going to take a little nap. Wake me up in thirty so I can flip, please. I want to bake evenly."

Lexi passed out and I realized I needed more sunblock on my back. One of the guys would have to slather me with my white, cancer-fighting lotion. "Hey, can one of you grab the SPF 50 and put more on my back please? I'd ask Lex, but she is already dead to the world."

Carlos grabbed the sunblock and started rubbing it into my back while Les looked on and stared at all of the boob jobs walking around the beach. I mentally shook my head at him and wondered how he would manage a deployment and the dearth of women on base. Maybe I should buy him a box of condoms to take with him so he doesn't create any little Lesters. I don't think the world could take more than one Les.

"I am not saying you are doing anything wrong, but guys will get the wrong idea if you wear tiny bikinis on the beach," Carlos said quietly to me.

"That doesn't mean I am going to go out with any guy that comes up to me on the beach. I'm off guys," I replied.

Carlos continued slathering me with sunblock. He was now at my hips. "You say that now…I know you are smart and learned your lesson, but still…I know how guys think. You're a gorgeous girl and that means you will get even more attention."

"Besides hanging out on the beach in baggy sweatpants and over-sized t-shirt, what would make you feel better?" I asked. I really didn't want to fight with Carlos or Les while I was down here. I only had a couple more days left with them and then I wouldn't see them for a year, most likely.

"Honestly? Probably not much," he admitted to me.

I looked up at him trying to lift only one eyebrow but instead both of my eyebrows went up. "Nothing would make you feel better? There has to be something that would make you worry less and act less ass-ish."

"Just avoid guys all together. And I know Les and I are both telling our friends down here to watch over you guys. If anyone calls you _la pantera_ or Lexi _la bromista_, they are one of Les' or my friends and you can trust them," Carlos said. "I know Les will be talking to Lexi about it tonight. We also need to introduce you to Miguel so he knows who guys are."

"You do realize I can't avoid boys completely, right? I go to public school," I replied.

"I know that," Carlos ground out, "but how about you just not date?"

"Dear lord, you are worse than Uncle Charlie and I will date if I want to. So what does '_la pantera'_ and _'la bromista'_ mean anyway? And why would we be called those names?" I asked.

"When I lived up in Jersey with my parents, I was dumb and joined a gang. That's why I stole the car and ended up in juvie. I no longer do anything with the gang, but I am still technically in it and have friends in it. They will watch out for you if you get in trouble. We all had gang names; mine was _el jaguar,_ which means _The Panther_. _La pantera_ is the feminine version of _el jaguar_," he explained. "Les was never in the gang, but since we were always together in Miami, the guys down here got to know him and call him _el bromista_ or _The Joker_."

"Ok…why would they call me the feminine version of your name?" I asked, completely clueless.

"It means that you are 'mine' so to speak. By claiming you, they will protect you."

"You know I am nobody's property! That is totally sexist! And I can take care of myself!" I hissed.

"Sexist, sure, but you'll be protected when you come back to Miami and that's all I care about," he explained, rubbing sunblock onto the backs of my legs. "If you want to be mad at me, go for it, but this way I won't worry about you when you visit Miami. And even you have to admit it: you are like a trouble magnet. First it was Morelli. Then you caught Kuntz's eye and God knows what he would have done if Les and I had not intervened. He has some seriously faulty wiring. I can only imagine whose eye you will catch next when we aren't around to watch out for you."

I guess it was sweet in a chauvinist sort of way. At least I tried to believe that. I reminded myself again that I didn't want to argue with Carlos or Les before they left. I felt like yelling and hitting him or even throwing something at his head, but really, it would do me no good. "Fine."

"Thank you," he said kissing the top of my head and lying back down next to me. "Really though, could you just not date? Teenage boys are only thinking about one thing."

I snorted at him. "Yes, you and Les were prime examples just a little while ago."

Carlos retaliated by pouring some of his ice cold bottled water on my back and then ran away. "Aaahhhh! You son of a – gosh darn – errr! I am going to get you for that!" I yelled. I was pushing off my towel and realizing my top was not tied. (Thankfully I only rose about an inch from the towel so I didn't flash anyone.) "Shit! Just you wait until I get this on! I'm going to get you back!" I grabbed Carlos' t-shirt because it was the closest and easiest thing to put on and chased him down the beach. I could hear him laughing. _Bastard._

"And that is why you should've kept your top tied!" he called over his should.

"ARGH!" I ran after him for a minute and was thankful when he started slowing down. There was no way I could keep up with him, especially on sand. When I got close enough I took a flying leap on his back. He easily caught my tiny 5'4" frame.

"Just you wait! When you least expect it, I will get you back!" I said hanging onto his back like a monkey. He just laughed at me and started running towards the water. "What are you doing?" And then he dropped me in the water.

I retaliated, splashing him with water. Carlos was smiling and laughing, splashing me back. It was nice to see the always-serious Carlos, happy and relaxed. Who knew that could happen? Les and Lexi joined us in the water soon after. We splashed around and just had fun. It was the perfect day.

_August 29, 1997_

_Song of the day: Will Smith, "Miami"_

_I have two more days left in Miami before we have to return back to base South Carolina. I don't want this week to end. I never want summer to end, but this time I feel more strongly about it. In a couple days I would have to say good-bye to two of my best friends. Then a few more days later I will have to say bye to ML and move to GA. I guess the word of the week is "change". _

_To add to my theme (and not by choice) of "change"…I think my feelings for C changed some. I think I have a crush on him. I realized it this week when Lexi was telling me how L and C are man-whores. At first I was disappointed C was one and I couldn't figure out why. Took me a few days to realize I have a crush. A tiny part of me was thrilled that he asked me not to date any guys while he is away. I know it is just because he won't be around to keep me from dating a jerk, but I wish it were because he liked me. And yes, I know that is ridiculous. He is an adult and looks at me like a little sister. I figure my crush will be gone by the time the guys get back from Bosnia – at least I hope so. _

_Time for bed, the heat and sun wiped me out._


	6. Chapter 6

Chpt. 6

_December 16, 1997_

_Dear Carlos and Les,_

_I can't believe it's only been three months since you guys left. It feels like a lifetime ago. I'm sure you're wondering why, considering my life is pretty easy these days in the grand scheme of things. I don't have to worry about people attacking me (other than catty high school girls), guns, or life and death. Life is just different at Fort Benning and I miss my three best friends – you guys and Mary Lou. _

_I hope you guys are doing well. Hopefully Bosnia is not as bad as it seems on the news, but I know the likelihood is that it is way worse. Just know that I love you both and will always be here if you need to talk or be distracted – I'm good at that, too. I stopped going to church after the car accident my parents lost their lives in and I survived, but I started praying again, everyday for you guys to return home safely. _

_Uncle C still has me working on Marksmanship and Gen Kowalski is bugging him about getting me set up for special sniper training during Christmas or Spring break. I guess that's an honor, but I don't see me enlisting when I turn 18. Do you see me as a soldier? I have a smart mouth and steal vehicles to run people over who have wronged me. (By the way, I heard J actually went to the doctor to be checked for STDs after we moved because his twig and berries were apparently on fire for a month and his weird hair loss continued to get worse. I guess he only has a few patches of hair left on his head– hahahahah!)_

_The Christmas dance is tomorrow night. Somehow I got talked into going by my new friend, Lula. She's this hilarious "big, beautiful black woman" (Her words, and yes, she is only fifteen, too.) who loves Juicy velour tracksuits that are two sizes too small. As of Monday her hair was traffic cone orange and she had two-inch fake nails that frankly scare the crap out of me. Once I got past her outrageous style I realized she's hilarious and loyal. Abuela Rosa and Lexi visited at Thanksgiving and met her. Abuela threatened me with a wooden spoon, saying I would get it if I started dressing like Lula. If I didn't love Abuela Rosa so much she would scare the crap out of me! _

_Now back to the dance. Lula and I are going together. No boys. Hopefully that makes you happy :P I honestly have no idea how she talked me into going. I hate school dances and the overall __**awkwardness**__ of the whole experience. Does that ever go away? I don't know why I'm asking you guys that. According to your family, you were both heartbreakers and constantly had different girls each week. I'm sure you were too distracted to notice any awkwardness. _

_I have to finish up homework so I'll wrap this up. Lexi's and my favorite song since you guys left is Puff Daddy and Faith Evans' "I'll Be Missing You". Here's a pic from Turkey Day._

_Love you both so much. Merry Christmas and happy New Year! _

_Stay safe. Don't get shot. _

_Steph_

_January 10, 1998_

_Steph,_

_Thanks so much for your letters :) Yours and Lexi's letters are the high points of the week (or month depending on how long it takes them to get to us). You and Lexi look happy (and hungry) in that pic with your mouths wide-open and huge pieces of turkey hanging off your forks. I know Carlos and I both wish we could get access to email, but only officers and their support staff have computers. At least this way we get to save your letters and re-read them when things are shitty here. _

_I won't speak for Carlos, but I consider some of the things I've seen here terrifying and awful. I won't get into them in here…frankly, I hope neither you nor Lexi know or experience this. When I enlisted I did so because I wanted to serve my country (and you know me and classes and studying), but I had no idea the __**atrocities**__ and their aftereffects that I would see. (Hey look, I used a big word that you should study for the SATs j/k.) There are a lot of bad people in the world. I always knew there were, but I didn't realize just __**how bad**__ some of them are. I thought ethnic cleansing stopped with the Holocaust, but I was wrong. Maybe I would've known if I paid attention in history class. Things have been a mess here since 1995 I've been told. I don't see it getting any better. I hope we aren't here too much longer, but God only knows._

_I love you like a sister and that's why I am going to tell you this. If you want more Marksmanship training, go for it, but don't enlist. Go to college. Get a degree and work for the FBI or something like that if you want to serve your country. You'll still see shit by working for the FBI or whatever alphabet agency you choose, but it has to be better than this. _

_So how was the Christmas dance? Did Lula change her hair color to be more festive? Did you dance with any guys? If so, threaten them with two older, overprotective brothers that will kick their ass if they touch a hair on your head. _

_How was Christmas and New Year's? Did you go to any parties? Doesn't the base normally have a little something? We didn't get to celebrate other than slightly better food than normal in the Mess. _

_It's time to hit the rack. Keep the letters and pictures coming. Stay safe, kiddo._

_Love, _

_Les_

_January 8, 1998_

_S-_

_Thanks for the letters and pics. It's nice knowing there is someone out there that cares besides Abuela Rosa, my aunt, uncle and cousins (mainly Lexi). _

_I loved hearing that J actually went to the doc thinking he had an STD, though you could always bring a smile to my face. I must say that the three of us made a great team, as long as you don't plan. No offense. That's just not your strength, but your ability to be stealthy and keep your cool definitely is. Just let Les or I know if we need to start planning another vengeance mission._

_Do I need to worry about you and boys? The thought of you and Lexi going to high school dances and dating is terrifying. I hope the general is threatening your dates and whatever you do, don't date a guy like Les! ;) _

_I won't really talk about what's going on here. You're ingenuous and I hope you always will be. _

_Abuela Rosa threatening you with her spoon if you start wearing those ugly tracksuits is a hilarious thought. Now you know what I lived with during high school. As much as I might hate her wooden spoon, Abuela Rosa is my guardian angel. I know I wouldn't be here without her. When will you get to see Abuela and Lexi again? Anytime soon? I hope so._

_I miss you, too. Don't go crazy._

_-C_

_February 20, 1998_

_Dear Carlos and Les,_

_Happy belated Valentine's Day! Did you guys go trolling the military bars for chicks to pick up? ;) _

_How are you guys doing? Hopefully you don't have any new scars or holes. Have you made any new, __**good**__ friends? If so, what are they like? _

_Any idea when you guys will be stateside? Lex and I miss you like crazy. How crazy is it that Lex and you guys are more like family to me than Val?_

_I went to the V-day dance at school with Lula. I'm enclosing a pic of us because you wouldn't believe how outrageous her outfit was if you didn't see proof. I was a bit…um, mortified to show up with her in that get up. First, who the heck thought to make a red spandex dress with multiple heart cutouts? Second, seriously, how her parents didn't care that she looks like she should have been on the corner is beyond me. Uncle C, Aunt M, Abuela, Tío, and Tía would have thrown a fit if Lex or I tried to leave the house in it. Heck, we would likely be grounded just for buying it. Third, it was just __**too much**__**Lula**_ _on display. I love her, but she takes over the top to a new level._

_A few guys asked me to the dance, but I turned them all down. I decided after the Morelli incident that I would avoid any guy that makes me feel remotely uncomfortable – especially since my protectors are half a world away ;) So far they all just seem to stare at my boobs (Seriously? They're practically non-existent!) or my legs. I have a feeling they would appreciate a blow-up doll about as much as they appreciate me since it is obvious that my personality and intellect have nothing to do with their interest. Hm, maybe they would enjoy the blow-up doll more since it wouldn't talk ;)_

_I managed to talk Uncle C and General Kowalski into waiting on the extra training they wanted me to have during Spring Break next month. (I had to promise two weeks of my summer, but it'll be worth it.) I'll be heading down to Miami to see Abuela and Lexi. I'm excited to see them and eat Abuela's food. I'm dying for a good empanada and some arepas and ooooh! I really want some tres leche cake. I'm sitting here, writing and drooling. Sorry if there are drool splotches on here ;) Lexi also promised to hit the beach with me. Sun, surf, and sand….ahhhhhhh! I can't wait!_

_I'm going a little wacky being landlocked for so long. I miss the sand and surf. I'm sure that sounds funny to you, but I grew up on the Jersey Shore before we went to live with Aunt M and Uncle C. During the summer my parents, Val, and I used to spend every Sunday at the beach. It's probably one of those few childhood memories of my parents that I really cherish. Well…at least of my mom. We never got along or had much in common except our love of sun, sand, and surf. But my dad…I miss him a lot. We were close. _

_Hopefully you guys will be stateside soon and we can hit the beach. _

_Miss you both terribly. Don't get shot._

_Love,_

_Steph_

_P.S. If you can, you need to listen to the CD I am enclosing. Wyclef Jean's "Gone til November" seems perfect for you guys. I included other fun songs that I am dancing around my room or studying to. Hopefully you guys like it. _

_March 5, 1998_

_Hey Kiddo,_

_How's my favorite sharp shooter? I'm glad to hear you are avoiding all the horny little bastards at school. Carlos read that and immediately relaxed his shoulders. I knew he worried about you, but damn. I didn't realize he worried __**that much**__. I worry about you and Lexi all the time, but I think I'm a little more chillaxed about it. Of course I'm not a control freak either ;)_

_So it looks like we'll be getting back around Memorial Day. We'll have a bunch of leave banked when we get back. We're hoping to spend time in Miami and also up at Fort Benning to see you (unless you want to just hang in Miami ;) When does school end for the year and when is your extra training scheduled? _

_Remember what I said. Don't enlist, Beautiful. I think the Army would kill some of your light and I don't want that for you. If Lexi had any interest in the Army or any of the training you have had, I would be writing her the same thing. Please just think about it._

_Your CD was off the hook. Love it! And you were right about "Gone Til November". It is definitely my song. You have pretty diverse taste in music, from rap and R&amp;B to alternative rock and pop and big band. How did I not know about this? I think you need to send CDs with every letter ;) _

_We made a couple good friends. C and I actually switched our battle buddies. Don't freak. It actually works out better this way. C's new BB is named Tank. The guy is a beast! I think Tank annoys him less than I do because he isn't as chatty and all-around as awesome as I am ;) Plus, since there is no shared DNA, it is easier to be tolerant of the other person. My new BB is named Bobby. He's a cool guy. He wants to go back to advanced individualized training (AIT) to be a medic. He likes to joke around like I do. He also appreciates a good practical joke…. Or in our case, he loved Operation Vengeance. We told Tank and Bobby about you. You're now a legend ;) _

_Love ya sis, _

_Les_

_P.S. Eat a piece of tres leche cake for me! _

_P.P.S. Don't forget: I need me some salsa music! Show your brother some love._

_March 8, 1998_

_Hey – _

_It sounds like you're doing well. Lula sounds like an interesting person. I didn't realize they made dresses (Can you call that a dress?) like that. That's what nightmares are made of! You looked pretty though :)_

_I'm glad you aren't spending time with the guys you mentioned. Considering they have no idea where your eyes are, you should definitely avoid them. They sound like Morelli-wannabes. _

_We made a couple of good friends here. Les and I swapped BBs. I'm now with Tank and Les is with Bobby. Personality-wise we're better fitted, but we're all working on getting our silent communication down. Les and I have had years of practice._

_It'll take more time for us to communicate with our new BBs as well as Les and I communicate with each other. But we are up for the challenge._

_Les and his big mouth told them about you and Morelli. Sorry. I gave him a black eye later that night for telling them your personal business. They didn't judge you though. They think Morelli is an ass and appreciated your acts of retribution. Just thought you should know. _

_You might meet them soon. So far we are schedule to be stateside in late May. Les or I will let you know._

_Stay safe. Don't go crazy._

_-C_

_P.S. Everyone in the barracks loves your CD._

_April 1, 1998_

_Happy April Fools' Day boys! _

_I promise no pranks like itching powder in my letter :) That's not to say I didn't think about it ;)_

_I just got back from Miami and saw your family. I already miss them. They miss you guys like crazy. Hopefully they write to you and tell you that, too. Abuela Rosa is already making the menu for your welcome home dinner so bring your appetites! She also had Lexi and I repaint your bedroom, Carlos. She said it needed freshening up. Somehow I just don't see you even noticing or thinking it needed "freshening up". So hopefully you remember I told you and you can thank her for it ;)_

_Lexi and I hit South Beach. I actually have a tan (for me), but compared to everyone down here, I still look pasty. Oh well ;) We ran into your guys' friend, Miguel, and some other guys. It took me a while to respond to being called "Panterita", but I'm used to it now. Lexi likes my name better than hers. Hah! We played beach volleyball with them. You know my general dislike for exercise, but that was actually fun! _

_[Panterita means little panther]_

_Have you heard the official date you are getting back? Where are you arriving stateside? How long do you have leave for? Uncle C wants you guys to make sure you visit. He said he wants to talk to you about something. It's Army related, so I don't know what that "something" is._

_I have to finish up my homework. Seriously, how are geometry proofs going to help me out later on in life? _

_I miss you both terribly. Don't get shot._

_Love,_

_Steph_

_P.S. Enclosed a few pics from the beach and another CD. Loving track #1, Billie Myers' "Kiss the Rain". And yes I know it's a chick song ;) added Metallica's "The Unforgiven" to balance it out._

_April 13, 2008_

_Steph,_

_Again, thanks for the CD. I love hearing music from home. I really miss the radio here. Think you can find me some salsa? Where do you get all the songs from anyway? _

_I love you and Lexi tons, but please take my sanity into consideration. That's why I'm telling you this: Don't send us more bikini pictures. I thought Carlos was going to knock out one of the guys, Hernandez, who's in the same barracks as us. He was practically salivating on the pics. I know you and Lexi have no idea how attractive you are. You girls are gorgeous (not that I think about you __**that**__ way, but you know what I mean) and most guys, especially guys who have no idea that you're 15 are going to have the hots for you. I really don't want to have to keep C from beating to a pulp every guy that finds you hot. I'm not even going to get into the pic with Miguel. (And yes, I know he is only holding your hand up in victory because you won the volleyball match together.) Just thinking about C's reaction gives me a headache. Let's just make a rule that if you send us pics, there can be no guys included in them unless they are very, very gay. K? Thanks! You'll save me migraines that way! I already wrote to Lexi and told her that, too._

_I'm glad you had fun during Spring Break. You look like you guys had a blast. _

_It's official. We will be arriving back in Columbus, SC, on May 24. We were hoping since you were closer that we could swing by Fort Benning first and then take you down to Miami with us. Would that work with school? Think your aunt and uncle would be willing to provide shelter for four soldiers for a night or two? Bobby and Tank are going to head down to Miami with us. Let one of us know._

_Love ya kiddo!_

_Les_

_April 18, 1998_

_Steph,_

_No more bikini pics of you and Lexi. I don't want to beat up everyone in my platoon for salivating over a pic of you two. And tell Miguel to keep his hands off of you. _

_Thanks for telling me that Abuela redid my room. You're right. I would not have noticed._

_Les said he gave you the dates when we will get back and asked about visiting. _

_Let us know. Don't go crazy._

_-C_

_May 1, 1998_

_Hi guys,_

_This will be really quick because I have two ten page papers to write in four days, plus I have crazy cleaning duties because I'm grounded. Apparently borrowing my aunt's car to go get ice cream with only a learner's permit was a big no-no._

_Let's start with this: I am not joining a convent - ever! Neither is Lex. Give up that absurd thought. While I have no desire right now, at some point in my life I would like to experience enjoyable sex._

_School ends the Friday before Memorial Day, so just in time for your guys' homecoming! Aunt M said I can go down with you guys and already talked to Abuela. I'm staying with her, like normal._

_Uncle C arranged for transport for you two and your BBs. There are four supply trucks scheduled to come from Fort Jackson to Fort Benning that weekend. You will each get to ride shotgun. He said he'd send your CO an email with the details. Also, we have one guest room that can sleep two of you and the couch in the living room pulls out to a queen sized bed, sleeping the last two of you. Would that be ok for a night or two? I know girls don't care about sleeping in the same bed. I have no idea about guys._

_Back to paper writing. The Civil War is so boring!_

_Love you both. Stay safe._

_Don't get shot,_

_Steph_

_May 9, 1998_

_Steph,_

_Why are you doing this to me? Why are you driving Carlos crazy? When you do that he tests my sanity. You just had to mention wanting sex._

_I hate you. Not really._

_No more mentioning sex!_

_See you in a couple weeks. Can't wait to see you!_

_Love you,_

_Les_


	7. Chapter 7

Chpt. 7

I couldn't believe that I had just finished my freshman year of high school. Finals were done and that meant one thing: _**freedom!**_ Summer vacation was finally here. Thank heavens!

Lula and I were rapping DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince's "Summertime" as we walked up to my house, acting like we were driving a car with the seats back and one hand on the wheel.

"_And think of the summers of the past  
Adjust the base and let the alpine blast  
Pop in my CD and let me run a rhyme  
And put your car on cruise and lay back cause this is summertime_"

Suddenly I heard applause and looked at the porch, filled with four big military men. I know I had a shocked, embarrassed look on my face. They were a couple days early. And then I screamed, "_**Oh my God! You're here!"**_ I ran up and jumped into Les' waiting arms and gave him a tight hug and kiss on the cheek. When Les put me down I turned and walked into Carlos' waiting arm. He gave me a long, tight hug, and kiss on the forehead.

"You really need to be more aware of your surroundings," he whispered in my ear.

"Smartass," I replied. "When did you guys get here? You're early! Not that I'm complaining at all. I'm just shocked!"

At that moment Lula decided to remind me of her presence. "Aren't you gonna introduce me to all these fine ass men you have on yo' porch?"

Oh Lord, help me. Grant me the serenity to accept that I can't change Lula….

"Sorry, Lula. This is Carlos and Les," I said gesturing, "and these other two guys I believe are their battle buddies, Bobby and Tank." Looking at them, I now understood why Carlos' battle buddy went by Tank…he was over a foot taller than me. Wow. At least I was assuming that behemoth of a man was Tank.

Lula looked at him and said, "Hi, my name is Lula. What's yo' name, you sexy specimen of a man?" I know my face must have turned a bright shade of tomato red.

"Tank," he said. I couldn't really blame him for not saying more to Lula. I didn't even know what to say to her and we had been friends for months.

"Um, Lula, why don't you take off? I need to get these guys settled in and check in with Aunt Marjie and Uncle Charlie," I asked. Silently I was begging God to make her be agreeable for once in her life and leave without fuss or embarrassing me further.

"Ok. I'll call you later. Maybe we can hang befo' you leave," she said. She gave me a quick hug and thankfully left.

When she was out of earshot, I turned and looked at Tank. "I am so, so, so sorry. I love her and she's a great friend, but she was born missing a filter. If she thinks something it just comes spilling out of her mouth like verbal diarrhea. Again, I'm sorry for Lula. I hope she didn't make you uncomfortable."

Tank laughed. "It's fine, though it's a little weird to be hit on by a fifteen year old kid."

"Yeah, she doesn't really get that socially acceptable line. I could explain about her mother and the family profession, but I'd really rather not. So anyway…let me do this right. Hi, I'm Stephanie. I am sure you already talked to my aunt since you have lemonade. Can I get you anything else to drink or maybe something to eat?" I asked.

"No thank you. I'm Bobby by the way," said the cute guy sitting on the porch swing.

"Nice to meet you, Bobby and Tank," I said. "Let me go drop off my bag and change." I entered the house, ran up the stairs, dropped my backpack on the floor with a thud, and changed into an ARMY t-shirt, shorts, and flip-flops. I then ran back downstairs, making lots of racket with my flip-flops, and headed for the kitchen.

"Hey Aunt Marjie. Do we have anything to snack on that I can also bring out to the guys? Plus, I'm _ravenous_," I asked.

"Hi, Sweetie. How was your geometry final? And yes, the last cookies just came out of the oven. I would have had them ready for the boys, but they arrived two days earlier than I thought. I guess Charlie got them on an earlier transport back from Bosnia," she said. "I wish Charlie would have told me so that I could have planned food accordingly. I am going to figure out what we have and then head to the commissary to get what I will need. Think they would like my drunken steak recipe?"

I looked at her and raised by eyebrows when she said that my uncle arranged for them to get in a couple days earlier than planned. That was not normal. He obviously had plans for them. I wasn't sure if I should be thrilled or terrified. I was leaning more towards terrified, but decided to ignore my spidey sense that was tingling.

"The geometry final was ok. I'm glad I'm done with that subject. Math is definitely not my thing. Thanks for the cookies! I know they'll love them. And they are guys. Believe me, they will be thrilled with steak. Actually, I think they would be thrilled to eat anything that they can identify. Some of that Mess Hall food was scary!" I snagged the plate, gave my aunt a kiss on the cheek, and walked back out to the front porch. I put the plate down. "Aunt Marjie made some cookies."

"Nice!" Les said grabbing a couple of cookies. Bobby and Tank each took one as well. I looked at Carlos, but he didn't grab one.

"What? No cookies?" I asked him, laughing.

"Don't want to pollute the temple," he replied. I just shook my head and rolled my eyes at him. Then I turned to Tank and Bobby.

"So where are you guys from? I think I am at a disadvantage. You've heard stories about me," I said and then shot a quick glare at Les, "but I know next to nothing about you guys. I think it's only fair. Names, where you are from, and one embarrassing personal story from both of you."

Carlos and Les smiled at me. I was probably amusing them like normal.

"I'm Tank. My grandmother raised me in Louisiana. I went to prom with my cousin," he said.

"Well that was succinct. Why did you go to the prom with your cousin?" I asked.

Les cut in. "Studying those SAT words, aren't ya?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "Yes. Even if I didn't have to study them at school, Uncle Charlie would be making me. He wants me to score well and makes a copy of each week's list so he can keep me on task. I heard him talking to Aunt Marjie about hoping I go to West Point. Now, back to you Tank. So why?"

"My size scares girls and nobody wanted to go with me," he said.

"Huh. They never heard of gentle giants or something? Geez…" I muttered. "Well, that's their loss. Hopefully you had fun with your cousin." I then turned my attention to Bobby.

"I'm Robert Brown, better known as Bobby. I'm an Army brat, so I'm from everywhere. My parents are currently stationed in Germany," he said.

"That's a good reason for not going home and visiting," I said laughing. "I think you're missing a little detail though – like your embarrassing story." I could see him thinking and hemming and hawing over what to tell me.

"I was terrified to use public bathrooms when I was in kindergarten and first grade and normally held it until I got home. I was too embarrassed to ask and scared to use the bathroom one day in first grade and peed myself," he said.

I smiled at my new friends. "We're even now. Oh and Les, I got Lexi to send me a couple embarrassing pictures of you as blackmail material. So you had better learn to keep your mouth shut."

Carlos smiled at. "Evil, Babe. I love how you think."

"What? You aren't looking for blackmail on Carlos?" whine Les.

"He doesn't tell embarrassing stories about me! If he does, then it's game on!" I retorted. Carlos just smiled at Les.

We then sat on the porch for about an hour, eating cookies, drinking lemonade, and catching up on details and stories that we didn't write each other about. After a little while the guys asked if they could get cleaned up and rest a little. Their internal clocks were about seven hours ahead, so it was the middle of the night for them. I showed Bobby and Tank to the guest room, giving them more privacy since they knew my family the least. While they were settling in, Les and Carlos asked to speak to me on the porch. Following them back outside to the oppressive humidity that is typical for spring in Georgia, I asked them what was on their minds.

"Do you want to go to West Point?" Carlos asked, sitting down in the wicker chair. I almost laughed at the sight of 6'2" Carlos, all muscle, in a delicate wicker chair. The juxtaposition was amusing, but I wisely kept that to myself.

"Not particularly. He's talked to me a couple of times about it. So has General Kowalski, who I think is driving the whole crazy idea. I would much rather go to a regular college or university and I've told them that, but that doesn't seem to diminish their hope. Plus, I still have to do additional sniper training in July. At least when I go to apply for jobs after I graduate high school, I can list that as a marketable skill," I joked. "Assassin for hire and all that."

"Don't let yourself be railroaded into joining, kiddo. Really. It's not that I don't think you can handle it. I know you can, but you are too free-spirited, fun loving, and sweet. I don't want the Army to kill that part of you," Les said, grabbing another cookie.

"Do you want to add anything, Carlos?" I asked.

"I agree with Les," he said. I don't know why I thought he would have more to say. Carlos was always concise with his words.

"Well, thank you for caring. It's nice to know that you guys are looking at me as a person and what is best for me, not as a possible weapon and what is best for the Army like General Kowalski and Uncle Charlie."

Then, never being ones to say more than was necessary on any given topic, Les decided to treat me to his leave plans: booty, booty, and more booty. For good measure, he decided to add in visiting with family a couple times and eating tasty, identifiable food, preferably Cuban. I had to laugh at him.

"Do we need to go make a condom run for you? The idea of a bunch of little Lesters is terrifying," I replied. I saw Carlos give a small smile and turned towards him. "Are you planning on being on being a quickie Casanova also?"

"You'll never know," he said. I just shook my head at both of them.

"Thank God I'm too young to ever fall for you two," I said grabbing another cookie. "You two are the reason why Lexi and I have no desire to date. I'll add in Morelli to that list, too."

"Don't compare us to Morelli," they said in unison.

"Ok, that," I said pointing my finger at both of them, "that was _creepy_, how you said that at the same time."

"We are upfront with what we want," Les said. "We have no time for relationships. Plus we're too young to commit. I don't believe in commitment at twenty. I, myself, am a stallion that cannot be tamed."

I choked on my lemonade when Les claimed he was a wild stallion. After I was finally able to talk again, I said making a mad dash for the door, "I have to call Lexi and tell her you said _that_!"

Sadly, Carlos' legs were about a foot longer than mine and easily grabbed me from behind, impeding my call to Lexi. Then Les started tickling my feet. "Stop!" I whined.

"Not until you promise not to tell Lexi. I don't feel like listening to her during leave," Les said.

"No!" I protested. Two more minutes of tickle torture and I acquiesced, crossing my fingers behind my back. I would snag the phone and use my calling card to call Lexi after dinner when the guys weren't around.

During dinner my uncle talked to the boys about their plans for their careers. I just listened in, happy to be in the same room as Les and Carlos. Aunt Marjie paid no attention to the conversation. Instead she just kept focusing on the guys' plates and any time they got remotely close to being clean, she would dish out more food. And then there was Val…she looked at all four of them with clear disdain on her face. I wasn't sure which was more embarrassing – Lula throwing herself at Tank or Val being an elitist bitch.

After dinner Uncle Charlie and the guys went to the backyard to smoke cigars while Aunt Marjie and I cleaned the kitchen. While we worked, I commented about how smoking anything was gross and asked why she let Uncle Charlie smoke the occasional cigar.

"One day, when you are married, you will understand. You have to pick your battles. Since he doesn't smoke regularly I choose to ignore it. Now, if he was smoking a pack of cigarettes or drinking a bottle of scotch a day, I would address it," she said.

Around 1930 the guys all came back in, reeking of cigar smoke. Gag! I tried to suppress my shuddering at the stench, but wasn't successful.

"Hey, Steph. We were just talking about hitting whatever the 2000 movie is. None of us have had the chance to go since we were deployed. Want to join us?" Les asked.

I finally gave up. While my aunt said she chose her battles, and obviously wasn't I was in a relationship with any of them, I was not going to be surrounded by four large men who were malodorous. Just. Not. Happening. "I will, but only if you agree to all go shower first. Sorry, but I can't stand the smell of cigars."

They looked like they were going to protest, but Carlos glared at Tank, Bobby, and Les. Suddenly, they were agreeable and went off to take their military-fast showers. By 1945 we were in my uncle's car that he lent to the guys for the weekend. I could no longer stand my curiosity and asked them about what my uncle wanted to discuss with them.

"You know how the general has been updating the Ranger program, right?" Carlos asked.

"Yup. It is one of the main reasons we are here," I said.

"One of the things they decided to change was the prerequisite amount of experience and preferred age of Ranger applicants. Your uncle lowered it significantly because studies showed that the younger training starts, the more effective a soldier is. That study is likely one of the reasons General Kowalski is so interested in you, but that is a conversation for later. Your uncle has been following how Les and I were doing. Then when we changed battle buddies, he also started paying attention to how Tank and Bobby were doing. He wants us to do some testing and try out for the Rangers under the new criteria before we head down to Miami on leave. We'd be the youngest Rangers if we were successful," Carlos explained.

"So…you guys are guinea pigs?" I asked. I wasn't super excited about them being test subjects. It meant more risk, but if I learned anything from that awful car accident, it was that life was too short to play it safe. A person could lead the safest, most boring life, and his or her life could be taken in an instant by a drunk driver or some other imbecile. So if this was what they wanted to do, I would be their biggest cheerleader and then likely take an Ambien™ each night so I could sleep without nightmares of their horrific deaths.

"In a sense, but with much better hair," Les joked.

"Definitely with better hair," I said. "I know you guys will knock it out of the park." And then I settled into comfortable silence, going through the mental exercises the therapist gave me to deal with my anxiety. I concentrated on my breathing and slowly flexed and released each muscle group, starting with my toes going up to my neck. By the time I finished, I felt much calmer and had arrived at the theater. I then lost myself in the hilariously awful movie _The Big Hit_ and listened to the guys bicker about the proper way to pull off a kidnapping. Rule one was not to fall in love with the prisoner. I just shook my head at them and laughed.


	8. Chapter 8

Chpt. 8

From Monday through Wednesday the boys completed a series of physical and mental tests under the new criteria to become Rangers. They came back every night completely exhausted and then proceeded to discuss the tests with each other. Listening to them, I could not figure out _why_ they would want to become Rangers. If I knew Tank and Bobby, I would have asked them as well, but we didn't have established friendships in which I felt I could ask them, and silently question their sanity. On Wednesday night I even asked Les and Carlos.

"So why do you want to become Rangers? Do you know what you are getting into? My uncle has only told me a couple stories because apparently ninety-five percent of what he did as a Ranger is still classified, but those two stories he told me – what he had to do wasn't for the faint of heart. I'm not saying you're pansies, but it takes a mental strength and ability to deal with ugly shit that most people don't have, " I told my two friends.

"Being a Ranger means you are the best of the best," Carlos responded. Wow, that gave me so much insight into his thought process, I thought.

"So you like the challenge of becoming and being a Ranger then? Telling me that 'you're the best of the best' doesn't tell me you get it," I replied.

"A good part of it is the challenge. You have to always be on your game. You get the hardest missions," Les elaborated.

I wrinkled my nose at that. Being a Ranger meant more danger. From talking to my uncle, I had a better idea than most civilians of what it meant to be a Ranger. I was still trying to accept that amount of danger the boys would be in, because let's be honest: They would become Rangers. I knew they had the mental and physical fortitude to excel at it. That didn't stop me from worrying about them though.

As strange as it is for a fifteen year old to worry about danger and life and death, it is a pretty regular part of my life since meeting Carlos and Les. I don't have the common "It can't happen to me" mentality that most teens and even twenty-somethings have. Losing my parents taught me that life is fragile.

"So it's the challenge and adrenaline? Please tell me you want to be Rangers for more than those two things," I probed.

"Well, the adrenaline rush and knowledge that you succeeded is an amazing feeling," Carlos said. "If we are accepted into the program, in addition to all of the physical stuff, we will learn how to plan missions, strategize, and survive anything life can throw at us." The part of me that watched my parents die in front of my eyes wanted to argue his "survive anything" point, but I knew their minds were made up, so why waste my breath?

"I have heard some about the original and now revamped Ranger training. They do drop you in the middle of a forest or jungle to see if you can meet whatever their objectives are. I can't imagine doing it; I love my comfy bed too much, but I see you two being in your element. But this is more than just the training. I just want to make sure you guys get what being a Ranger means. Talk in depth with my uncle later. I know he wants you in the program, but he will be honest. He will tell you the truth about what it means to be a Ranger," I said.

Les and Carlo gave me their identical, blinding smiles. Crazy boys. They need their heads examined. At least they appreciated that I cared and didn't just tune me out.

"Did you tell Lexi that you are trying out yet?" I asked Les.

He shook his head no. "Nah, Abuela, Mom, Dad, and Lex don't understand why I want to be a Ranger. I brought it up after Basic, and they flipped. Mom cried and asked why I wanted her to worry more about me than she already was going to. Dad didn't like the idea of me becoming a Ranger, but not verbal like Mom. And Lexi…she doesn't understand. Some of it is maturity, I think, and some is just that she doesn't have any sort of military mentality. She has never been around it.

"Lexi is complete unlike you in that regard. You also understand the military mentality since you spent four years with your aunt and uncle on base now. You are supportive. Ok, granted you are questioning us right now, but I know you want to make sure that we know what is involved and if we really want to do this. You can't just commit to it and then decide halfway through that it's not for you. You understand that."

Carlos continued on with Les' train of thought. "Your maturity and knowledge about the Army makes it so we can talk to you about this decision. You understand the inherent danger of being a Ranger, but also know the amount of training that's involved. You understand that we joined the Army in part to serve our country. Lexi, doesn't understand any of that. Her biggest worry is if she gets invited to some party this weekend. That's not to say that I don't love her, but you are mature for your age and understand our perspective better – even if you are the same age as Lex.

"Abuela, Tía, and Tía don't have the 'serve your country' point of reference. They also have the whole guilt factor. Abuela essentially told me 'We've worried about you, taken care of you, raised you and kept you alive for your whole childhood and now you are purposely putting yourself in danger.'"

"Well, I won't tell any of them about this, but you have to tell them before you finish your leave. I hate secrets," I said.

"That's only because you are inherently curious," Carlos replied.

Les tacked on, "And you know that curiosity killed the cat."

"Shut up both of you. I'm the only person outside the military who is in your corner on this topic and even I have my own reservations about you being Rangers," I said.

"What are your reservations?" Les asked. "You have always been supportive."

"Well, I will to support you two. I just have a different perspective about life and death. I have my own selfish issues," I said.

"Everyone is at risk of dying everyday. Some people just take risks more than others," Carlos said.

"I know you worry about losing somebody close to you again, but that's just part of life," Les added.

"And that is why I am trying to be supportive and not yelling, screaming, and guilt tripping you guys. I get your perspective and understand that I have my own issues. Four years of therapy later, I know when my feelings are affecting my decisions," I said.

"Wow, you've gone for four years, huh?" Les asked.

I snorted. "Yeah. Four years of talking about my feelings for an hour each week. Can you imagine me doing that? I hate talking about my emotions."

"I just don't see you in therapy, Babe. You act out rather than talk about your feelings," Carlos said. I had to laugh at that.

"I act out my anger, not all my emotions. I also eat sadness and stress. I like to spread out how I deal with my emotions," I half-joked. Then more seriously I admitted, "I was really messed up the first year after the accident and everything threw me off balance. I only go now because I still have anxiety and sleep problems on occasion. I guess as much as I hate going, it was a good thing my aunt made me go. And on that note, I need a piece of pineapple upside cake. Way too many feelings tonight." I got up and left the boys on the porch to go off in search of sugary goodness and happy feelings.

Thursday morning Les dragged me out of bed so that we could hit the road and arrive in Miami before dinner. I was never so thankful for having the foresight to sleep in something other than my regular sleep clothes – t-shirt and panties. Last night, without giving it much thought I decided to wear shorts as well. Thank heavens!

"Come on, Beautiful! It's time to get moving. We need to hit the road in fifteen minutes!" Les was way too freaking perky this morning. Apparently he forgot that I was _not _a morning person.

"Go away!" I growled.

"Nope! Time to get up!" and he grabbed my sheet and blanket, ripping them from my body.

"You're an ass! If you are going to be an ass, the least you could have done was bring me coffee!" I snapped. Nice, perky, morning people can kiss my ass.

"God, you're awful in the morning," he said. "Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Coffee and leave so I can change!" I pointed my finger towards the door.

"Five minutes! If you are not downstairs in five minutes I will send up Carlos and he is worse than me in the morning," he said, grabbing my duffle bag.

I got out of bed, putting my sheet and blanket back on it. I had showered and put my hair in a bun like I did for Basic the previous night because I knew I would rather sleep in than primp in the morning. I quickly changed into a tank, capris, and flip-flops and went to brush my teeth. I made it downstairs with a minute to spare and collapsed on the love seat, promptly falling asleep again. I woke up briefly when I felt myself being carried. Opening my eyes, I saw that Carlos was carrying me out to the car, and closed my eyes again. I figured I might as well sleep through the first few hours of the drive.


	9. Chapter 9

Chpt. 9

The following Monday all four boys got calls saying they were accepted into the Ranger program. They were excited. I was supportive though I wanted to strangle Carlos and Les because they refused to tell their families until the end of their vacation. I told them they were cowards. Ironic, I know, telling men that were going to train to go on the hardest, deadliest missions that they were too cowardice to face their families and one wooden spoon.

They decided to go out to some clubs to celebrate. Apparently it was easy to get fake IDs when in the military. Lexi, not knowing that the guys were celebrating, bugged them, asking if they could get her a fake ID so she could tag along. The look on Les' face was _hilarious_. He was horrified that she would go to the same places he went to pick up women. Carlos glowered at the idea as well, but he kept his mouth shut, letting Les deal with his sister. That didn't mean he ignored me.

"Let me guess, you want a fake ID to get into the clubs as well?" he asked me quietly.

I had to laugh. The thought was horrifying. I could only imagine what type of punishment Uncle Charlie would come up with if I were found in a club with a fake ID.

"Um, no thanks. With my luck I would be caught and then have some other crazy Army punishment for a second straight summer…" I shuddered realizing what would happen if I got in trouble again. "I just realized what his punishment would be if I got in trouble again. Uncle Charlie would throw me into training with you guys."

Carlos smiled at me, likely grateful that I had no plans to get into more trouble – or inadvertently cock block him tonight which would definitely happen if Lexi and I tagged along. I knew the four guys' plans, even if they were not verbalized around me "innocent" ears. Besides not wanting to get into trouble, I really didn't feel like watching Carlos with women. The thought made me nauseated.

"Come on Les! You guys were always going to the clubs when you were my age. Why can't I?" Lexi was not a happy camper.

"Because I don't want to worry about who you will meet in the club, Lex! I want to be able to have fun tonight!" Les argued back. All I could think of was that was the _wrong_ thing to say to her.

"You can't have fun with me around? So you don't want me around you because you are just looking for a piece of ass tonight," she hissed at him. I was getting pretty uncomfortable listening to them. I could see the wheels turning in Les' head. I knew he was looking for a quick, believable lie.

"No! I know what guys are thinking and I don't want to worry about some creep trying to take advantage of you!" Les was trying to keep his cool, but he was running his fingers through his hair, which is his tell that he is frustrated.

At least he went with a partial truth, I thought. That was probably only one of the many reasons he didn't want Lexi (and myself, but I already expressed that I had no interest) at whatever club he was going to tonight. I really didn't feel like listening to them argue more than I already had. I got up, grabbed a bottle of water, and went to lie out the pool at Les' and Lexi's house. Apparently I was not the only one that didn't want to listen to the siblings argue. Carlos, Bobby, and Tank all joined me shortly after my exit.

Bobby asked, "Are they always like this?"

"Eh, Lexi seems worse than before," Carlos said. "I don't remember her ever being clingy before. She is practically glue to Les and me, ever since we got back."

"What's she like normally? Right now, she is nothing like how Les described her," Tank replied.

"Well, she is always feisty. Generally, she is more independent, friendly, has an active social life. I think she just missed Les and Carlos a lot. That seems to be why she always has one in her sight," I said.

"I don't get it. How close were you guys before you joined the Army?" Bobby questioned Carlos.

"Les has always included Lexi in most aspects of his life. I did as well when I came down here because that was the type of sibling relationship she was used to having. They have an older sister, Linda, who is eight years older than Les and thirteen years older than Lexi. Les described his early childhood as hell because she hated him. She had been the little princess for eight whole years; Les was born and messed that up. So when Lexi was born, Les decided that he wanted to have a good relationship with Lexi and always did everything with her," Carlos explained.

I was really surprised. I had never heard anything about Linda, but that explained Les and Lexi's close relationship. They had a close friendship in addition to being siblings that I was jealous of. I knew I would never have that with Val. Hell, I didn't even consider Val a friend and I knew the feeling was mutual.

"I have never heard about Linda before. Why is that?" I asked.

"Eh, she got married straight out of high school and moved to California. I think she visits maybe once a year. She's not close to anyone in the family," Carlos shrugged.

Two hours of arguing later, Les and Lexi came out to the pool area. It seemed that they made up and came to a compromise. Les had to spend some quality one-on-one time with Lexi tomorrow. I just hoped he wasn't hung over tomorrow. Lexi was a ball of fire and exhausting when you felt good. I could only imagine how exhausting she would be if I was hung over.

Since Lexi and Les were out of the picture tomorrow, I turned and looked at the others. "Do you guys have any thoughts as to what you'd like to do tomorrow?" I hoped they would want to do something. I loved Abuela, but if I stuck around the house too long, she would give me another cooking lesson.

"Beach!" Bobby exclaimed. Carlos and Tank nodded in agreement. It was agreed that we would all hit the beach once the boys were up and moving in the morning. I silently wondered if they would even be moving before noon.

The guys left to go out to dinner around 2000, leaving me at Les and Lexi's house. Lexi continued to complain about not being allowed to go out with them tonight. She was beginning to try my patience and I love the girl like a best friend. I was beyond thankful when Tía dropped me off at Abuela's around 2200 because I was seconds away from throttling Lex.

When I got back to Abuela's I crawled into bed and pulled out my journal.

_June 2, 1998_

_Song of the day: Third Eye Blind "Thanks A Lot"_

_I love visiting everyone in Miami, but it is exhausting. Today seemed more draining than normal. Maybe it was just being around Lexi and Les and their argument – granted, I saw it coming a mile away. _

_Tía made Lexi join swim team, Spanish club, and the debate team so she would have activities to occupy her time since Les and Carlos no longer live at home. Lex told me that she cried every day for the first month that Les and Carlos were away at Basic. Her world revolved around them so much that I knew that letters and calls would not be enough for her and that she would feel somewhat resentful. It also didn't help that the guys brought home their BBs and she had to share them even more. Lex is great and I love her, but she has a very different view than I do, but maybe I shouldn't judge since they aren't my flesh and blood._

_I still love Lexi. She is a fun, loyal, and loving friend that will go out of her way to help those she considers family or friend. She is just more immature I guess. _

_But getting back to being drained…I hate arguing. I hate the stress of it. I feel like my body just absorbs all that bad energy. _

_Uncle Charlie also called all of they guys today to tell them they are in the Ranger program. I am happy for them (in addition to worried). Carlos and Les refuse to tell their family until the end of vacation. I think not telling them is worse than telling them because it is like a lie of omission. Oh well, not my place. They all went out tonight to celebrate, which was the match that caused the fire that was Lexi and Les' fight. I know they didn't want us along because they:_

_Didn't want to worry about us_

_Didn't want to tell Lexi that they were celebrating since it is a big, fat secret_

_Will likely get drunk_

_Will likely hook up with some random girls with no self-respect (Not that I am judging the girls at all – yeah the sarcasm in my own mind is obnoxious, too.)_

_I don't begrudge the guys going out and celebrating. I don't even begrudge them having sex. Carlos and Les are twenty after all. I just don't want to know about Carlos and some other girl. Jealousy. Hah, maybe the Gin Blossoms' song "Hey Jealousy" should've been my song of the day. Anyway, yeah, I'm jealous. I was hoping my crush would go away while they were gone. It didn't. It might have gotten worse when I saw Carlos. Talk about yummy! *__Sigh__*_

_Oh well. Not going to happen. I know it's for the best. I would never tell him I had feelings – talk about humiliating because I know he would turn me down just due to age alone. Then if I take into account that he considers me a little sibling…oh the humiliation would be endless…._

_Maybe it's time for me to start dating. That way I would focus on him instead of Carlos. Plus it's time to get past the Joe Morelli effect (i.e. ALL MEN ARE SCUM)._

_I think I'm just babbling now out of exhaustion, Journal. Nighty-night._


	10. Chapter 10

AN: Just because there is underage drinking in this chapter does not mean I am endorsing it. I am trying to make this realistic.

This will probably be my last chapter until after Easter/Passover is over. Happy Easter and Passover to those that celebrate!

Chpt. 10

I admit it. I am pissed. So very, very pissed. Half of it is likely due to jealousy. I really need to get a grip. The other half of my anger is because we had plans and Carlos is still MIA. It is now 1400 and Bobby, Tank, and I are going to the beach without him. I am not going to pull a Lexi. Hissing and screeching aren't really my style. Actually, I'm not really sure what my style is. Oh well.

"Turn left onto Chavez Avenue and then at the second stop light turn onto Miami Beach Boulevard. Then just choose whichever parking lot looks good and we are at the beach," I said to Tank.

Five minutes later we were climbing out of Abuela's Ford Explorer. I grabbed my big beach bag with our towels and Bobby and Tank grabbed the cooler filled with water, fruit, and sandwiches. I spotted Les and Carlos' friend, Miguel, and some of his friends near his beach volleyball net. I perked up a little seeing that.

I took off at a quick jog to catch up Miguel and see if I could play a game with him. "Hey Miguel!" I called out.

"¡Hola, mi panterita! ¿Cómo estás mi amiga?" Miguel asked me. Guess I get to practice my high school Spanish. [Hi, my little panther. How are you doing my friend?]

"Hola, Miguel. Estoy bien, gracias. ¿Cómo estás y tu familia?" I asked while giving him a kiss on each cheek in greeting. [Hi Miguel. I'm fine, thank you. How are you and your family?]

"Mi familia y yo estamos bien. Gracias," he replied. [My family and I are doing well. Thank you.]

"Quería presentarte mis amigos, Tank y Bobby. Están amigos de Les y Carlos también. Les conocieron en el ejército," I said slowly. It was taking me a little while to remember what I had learned in Spanish this year. I was proud I remembered this much. [I would like to introduce to you my friends, Tank and Bobby. They are also Les and Carlos' friends. They met in the Army.]

"Hola, mucho gusto. ¿Hablán español?," Miguel said shaking hands with Tank and Bobby. [Hi, nice to meet you. Do you guys speak Spanish?]

Tank responded after looking at Bobby quickly. "Sorry, we speak very little Spanish – just bare bones."

"No problem. I'll switch to English," Miguel said to them. He then turned to me. "Mi panterita, your Spanish has improved so much just since your Spring Break."

"Thanks! I figured I might as well practice on you," I said blushing. "Are you up for a game of beach volleyball?" The three men all agreed.

I stripped out of my t-shirt and shorts so I was in my bikini. I grabbed my Yankees baseball cap and sunglasses so that I would be able to see the ball well. Since Miguel and I played well together last time I was down we paired up again against Bobby and Tank.

"Ready to get your asses handed to you?" I asked my new friends.

Tank actually smiled at me. "Just you wait, Little Girl. Just because you're tiny doesn't mean we will cut you any slack."

Miguel and I just exchanged looks. Our previous opponents underestimated me also. I might only be 5'5" now, but I was quick and agile. We played a few games and Miguel and I won three out of four games against Bobby and Tank. Sometimes it paid off to be a girl – I was constantly underestimated.

"Good game guys," Miguel said holding out his hand for one of those strange, one-armed man hugs or chest bumps. I really had no idea what they heck they called it. "Mi panterita, mi familia está celebrando la graduación de mi hermanito esta noche. ¿Querías celebrar con nosotros? Pienso que tú y mi hermanito se compuerten bien." [My little panther, my family is celebrating my little brother's graduation tonight. Would you like to celebrate with us? I think you and my little brother would get along well.]

I raised my eyebrows at Miguel. I was pretty sure he was setting me up with his younger brother. "You don't think your family would mind if I crashed the party?"

"Nah. The more people, the better is my family's motto. So what do you think?" he asked me.

I smiled at him. Why not go to the party? I liked Miguel and I knew I was safe from him. Hopefully his little brother was the same way, though hopefully not in the gang. "Sure. Why not? If your family and brother are anything like you, I'll have fun," I answered.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Bobby and Tank exchange looks. They looked mildly worried which I didn't understand, but didn't bother me in the least. If they were really worried about me going to the party, which I couldn't see why they would be, I am sure they would tell me in the car or when Miguel is no longer around.

"Great! I guarantee you will have lots of fun, Steph! I gotta get going though. It's already four and I need to help set up the backyard. Are you still staying with Carlos' abuela? If so, I can swing by around eight to pick you up," Miguel said smiling.

"Yes, I am. That sounds great. See you in a few hours," I said giving him a kiss on each cheek. Miguel jogged away and I decided I could still get another hour of lying on the beach before I needed to get back to prep for the party.

"Little Girl, are you sure it's such a good idea to go to that party?" Tank asked me.

"Yeah, I'm sure it'll be fine. Why?" I gave him a curious look.

"Well, it's just you don't know anybody there and you should have someone there that will watch you back," Bobby replied.

I gave him an exasperated look. "I am sure I will be fine. Miguel will watch out for me. He is Carlos' and Les' friend. They even asked him to watch out for Lexi and me if he saw us." From the look Bobby and Tank exchanged, I had a feeling they were still not thrilled with the idea of me going to a party without my own chaperone.

"What do you think is going to happen?" I asked. Seriously, what was wrong with these two?

"A pretty girl at a party alone is asking for trouble. Carlos will not like you going alone,," Tank replied. I shot off an angry glare.

"Ok, fine. Do either of you have a thigh holster and gun I can borrow? That way I can carry a gun with me in case of emergency," I said sarcastically.

"That's actually not a bad idea," Bobby responded. "That would probably make Carlos feel better."

I looked at him like he lost his mind. "Have you lost your mind? I said something extreme to make the point that you are being ridiculous! And why would Carlos care? Miguel is one of his friends!"

"Carlos and Les are very protective of you and Lexi," Tank explained slowly to me, like I was an imbecile.

"No shit, Sherlock. Those two make my uncle, the General in charge of the Rangers, look like he his the most relaxed legal guardian in the world. Even so, Miguel is their friend and introduced Lexi and me to him. What is the issue hanging out with him and his family? Why introduce me to somebody and then throw a hypothetical hissy fit that we became friends? And I say hypothetical because you don't know how Carlos is going to react!"

They just looked at each other and then me. "Yes, we do," they said in unison.

"Alright, how will he react?" I asked, exasperated and resigned to the fact that I will likely have my own fight tonight.

"He won't like you going to the party alone and he definitely won't like Miguel setting you up with his brother," Bobby said calmly.

I looked at Bobby. "You are all out of your friggin' minds. This conversation is over. You two have given me a headache. Just let me listen to my Discman and lay here for an hour." I pulled my Discman out of the beach bag and turned it on. I needed to calm down before I screamed in frustration and annoyance.

* * *

"Absolutely not!" Carlos forcefully said.

"You really think you can tell me what I can and cannot do? You think you can tell me whose party I can attend and not attend? Seriously? What century are you from?" I bit out.

Carlos glared at me. "You don't know anyone there. It's not safe for you!"

"It's Miguel's family. It's a _family_ party and I don't mean _Family with a capital F_. How much trouble do you think I could really get in there? Besides, Miguel is _**your**_ friend. You introduced us! He thinks I will get along well with his brother," I said. My Italian heritage was coming out because I had started waving my arms around when making my points.

"Geez, I asked him to look out for you, not be a damned dating service. And his family might as well be _Family_ _with a capital F_ because they are all in the gang," he griped.

"Is his brother in the gang?" I asked.

"No, he refused to let him join and always pushed college on the kid," Carlos grudgingly replied.

"Then they are not _all _in the gang and I don't really see the problem. Plus it would be nice to have more friends down here when I visit," I said glancing in the mirror by the front door. My minimal makeup looked good. I was touching up my lip gloss when I heard a knock on the door. I saw Miguel at the door and smiled.

"Hola Miguel, ¿cómo estás?" I greeted him with the normal two cheek kisses.

"Hola Steph, Carlos," he greeted with a nod of his head toward Carlos. "You want to come to the party, too? You and your friends are always welcome."

"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea," Carlos said. Still he was clearly unhappy.

"You know where the house is. I'll take Steph over now. Come over whenever you like," Miguel said. He turned to leave and I followed him out the door.

I called over my shoulder, "See you in a bit."

In the car Miguel and I were chatting about families. He told me he had a big family and had to support them when he was a kid because his father went to jail. He had four younger sisters and a younger brother who just graduated high school. He was very proud that his brother was accepted into Emory.

"Oh and this is just an FYI. My family calls me my middle name because I am named after my father. So if someone says something about Héctor, they are referring to me," he told me.

We continued chatting as he guided me into the backyard. He motioned for a guy to come over. Looking at him, I realized he was beyond gorgeous. He was the second handsomest man I had ever met, second only to Carlos of course. With that thought I realized yet again that I really needed to get over my crush and fast.

Miguel introduced his brother, "Steph this is Mateo. Mateo, this is my friend Steph I was telling you about."

"Oh hey! I have heard a lot about you. It's nice to meet you. Let me introduce you to some of my friends. How long are you going to be in Miami?" Mateo asked me. I waved to Miguel, or Héctor as he is called here at home, as Mateo guided me over to a raucous table.

"Can I get you anything to drink?" he asked me.

I smiled at Mateo. He seemed really nice and did I mention gorgeous? Wow! "What do you have to drink?"

"We have the normal soda, beer, Mike's, and water," he said.

"Can I have a Mike's and a water? Oh, and don't worry about opening them. I'll do that myself," I said keeping in mind my safety. Mateo was back a minute later with my drinks and sat right next to me.

I loved his friends. They were lots of fun and seemed like they had been friends since they were in diapers. I admit to being jealous of that. With my parents' deaths and now being a so-called military brat, my friendships would never have that sort of permanence or mutual history. It made me a little sad thinking about it, so I banished the thought.

"Would you like to dance?" Mateo asked, standing up and offering me his hand. I gave him a big smile and stood up. We started dancing to Five's "When the Lights Go Out". Some couples dancing were bumping and grinding, but I made sure to keep at least six inches between us. I had just met him after all.

As I turned while dancing, I saw Tank first (For the obvious reason – it is hard to miss a 6'5" man who has more muscles than Arnold Schwarzenegger.), then Bobby, Lester, Carlos, and Lexi. Carlos was glowering towards me. I don't think his face could display such an unhappy expression. Lexi danced over to me, grabbing my Mike's from my hand, and took a sip.

"Hiya, Steph! Holy crap, and I thought my argument with Les was epic the other day! While yours with Carlos was far shorter, he is still _pissed_! I have never seen him so mad. Way to go!" she cheered me on.

I was still dancing with Mateo and remembered my manners. "Lexi, this is Mateo, Miguel's younger brother. Mateo, this is Lexi, Les' younger sister and Carlos' cousin," I said. I then turned towards Lex. "Why are you cheering me on? I hate fighting, especially with the guys."

"Everyone eventually just gives into whatever Carlos wants because he is the most stubborn. I love that you don't give into him. It's about time someone put him in his place and told him is not The Shit," she replied. I had to laugh at her choice of words.

We continued dancing and chatting. I was beginning to feel really comfortable with Mateo and decided he was a nice guy that I wanted to get to know better. Lexi was chatting up one of his friends, but I couldn't remember his name. Laughing, young kids ran by the "dance floor", shooting each other with Nerf bows and arrows, dart guns, and sling shots. I loved this party.

"I'm getting a bit thirsty and am going to grab another drink. Do you want anything Mateo?" I asked.

"Nah, but I'll come with you to protect you from the crazy kids," he said smiling.

He followed me to the coolers where I grabbed another Mike's. "So what are you thinking about majoring in at Emory?"

"I'm going to be pre-med. I have always wanted to be a doctor," he replied.

I was impressed. I had no desire to do anything medical. In fact, I had a panic attack when I had to dissect a frog in biology this year. "That's really cool. I wish I knew what I wanted to do. I can say that doctor is out though. The sight of blood freaks me out."

Mateo laughed. "It freaks out most people. I have patched up Héctor and his friends enough times that it doesn't freak me out." I decided to avoid the subject he brought up, figuring there are some things I just didn't want or need to know.

"Do you think we can get together before you go back home? It's really easy to talk to you," Mateo said.

I smiled. Mateo liked me back! I felt like doing a little celebratory dance, but reigned in my excitement. "Sure, I can give you Abuela's phone number. I generally stay there when I am in Miami. Or I stay at Les and Lexi's."

"Let me grab a pen and paper," he said.

He walked off, likely into the house, but I wasn't certain. Where I was looking quickly changed because one of the kids shot me with the Nerf Dart gun. "Hand it over," I demanded. The little boy who looked to be about six looked like he was ready to argue.

"Do you really want me to tell Héctor that you purposely shot his friend with your Nerf gun?" I asked.

"No," the little boy said, his bottom lip trembling. I looked in the kid's eyes. He was trying to play me. I could see it. I held out my hand and sternly looked at him. After a short glaring war, the kid gave up and handed over the Nerf toy. I picked up the dart he shot at me and loaded it back in the gun.

I was still holding the toy when Mateo came back with a pen and piece of paper. I wrote down my name, Abuela's number, my number at home, and my email address so that we could stay in contact even after I left Miami.

"How'd you end up with the toy gun?" he asked me.

I laughed, "Some little boy shot me with it and I made him fork it over." Mateo laughed and shook his head. We walked back to the table where a decent amount of his friends still were sitting. We passed the time amiably, chatting and laughing. I felt him put his arm around me and shivered. His touch gave me tingles. Out of the corner of my eye I saw movement.

I turned and looked and saw Carlos walking over, glaring at Mateo. I could tell he was going to be an ass and argue some more. I stood up, waiting for the confrontation that I knew was inevitable. Without thinking about it, I raised the Nerf dart gun still in my hand and shot it, hitting him perfectly dead center in his forehead. The dart even stuck.

I was still going on pure instinct and training, observing my surroundings. Behind Carlos I saw Tank, smiling, his whole body shaking with laughter, tears running down his face. Bobby was openly staring with his mouth hanging open. And then there was Les. He was laughing so hard he fell out of his chair. I couldn't help it, then I burst out laughing, right in Carlos' face. Whoops. I couldn't stop the laughter from erupting though.

He unstuck the dart from his forehead. "It's time to go," he growled.

I couldn't respond because I had doubled over still laughing.

"Steph…" Carlos' voice was warning.

Between laughing and gasps for air, I replied, "No," gasp, "it's," laugh, "not," gasp, "time," laugh, "to go."

Carlos glared at me. Once I finally stopping laughing hysterically, I glared back. "It's only 2330! This is my vacation. I am not doing anything bad. I am sure Miguel or Mateo would be happy to take me home later."

"Time to go now!" he said, and threw me over his shoulder. I looked at Mateo's shocked face and mouthed, "Call me!"

"What the hell is your problem?" I yelled at Carlos once we were no longer in the backyard.

"You are too young to get involved with Mat. Plus he is too old for you. He should know to keep his hands off of you," he said through clenched teeth. "Besides, it is inappropriate for you to stay there late. You should have a curfew!"

"Fine, _**big brother**_. If you give me a curfew, I will give one back! And he's only three years older than me!" I argued.

"I don't need a curfew. I'm an adult," he said opening the SUV's passenger door.

"Apparently you do because you forgot about our plans today. Or did you just decide whatever slutty piece of ass you got was more important than keeping your plans with Tank, Bobby, and me? At least if I go out, I am responsible, respect my friends, and keep my plans with them! So if you give me a curfew, you need one yourself,_ you ass!_" I yelled.

At some point, Lexi, Les, Bobby, and Tank had followed us to the car and watched Carlos' and my meltdown. _Oh…fudge_. Lexi was going to want to analyze this argument in great detail. We all piled in the car and drove back to Abuela's.


	11. Chapter 11

AN: Many, many apologies for my month long break from posting! Life has been...wonderful and terribly sad at the same time. RL got super busy. Then my grandfather passed away and went to be with my grandmother who passed in January. 2015 has been a little bit of a rough year and has messed with my writing, but I think I am back. I do not have multiple chapters prepared at this point, so I will not have daily updates, but hopefully I will get a couple up each week. Thank you for your patience and comments!

Chpt. 11

Carlos dragged me into the basement when we got back to Abuela's. He correctly assumed that I would likely yell and neither of us wanted to wake Abuela.

"Why are you looking for a boyfriend? You are too young!" Carlos said through clenched teeth. It was hard for me to miss the fact that when he got mad, he was quiet. When I became mad, I yell and gesticulate like the true Italian that I am. We could not be anymore opposite in that regard.

"I am not _looking_ for a boyfriend! Miguel invited me to the graduation party. He said I would get along well with his brother. I thought it would be nice if I had more friends here in Miami because I visit so often. Call me crazy, but I can't see how that is a crime!" I cried out.

"You don't know what type of family they come from," he said quietly, but forcefully.

"Yes, Miguel is in a gang, but his brother isn't. You told me. Considering you used to be in a gang, don't you think you are being hypocritical?" If there is one thing I can't stand besides gossip, it is hypocrisy.

"I got out! I don't want you put in danger by associating with them. Even though Mat isn't an _official member_ of the Latin Kings, he is associated with them. He is the one that fixes them up when they are stabbed, shot, et cetera. Dating him puts a target on you."

Carlos had officially dropped any semblance of his "blank face". All I saw was fury and concern. I tried to calm my anger by reminding myself he was concerned for my wellbeing. Sadly, it only took it down a couple notches.

"You are the one that introduced me to Miguel. What the hell?" I griped.

"Yeah! He was supposed to watch over you, not get all buddy-buddy with you! I need to have words with that _pendejo_," he mumbled the last part. [dumbass]

"Look, I get that you are concerned for me, but really, I let you live your life. Let me live mine. It is my choice if I want to be friends with Miguel and Mateo. If I want to date Mateo, that is my choice also," I spoke, no longer yelling.

Carlos gave me a look that clearly said he could not believe I had just said that. "It is not your choice alone. You are here under my care. I will tell you if your choices are poor. And dating Mat is a very, very bad idea!"

"Ok, first, we are not dating. I just gave him the phone number here to Abuela's, home, and my email address. That right there could be considered a pen pal, which, if you remember, you are most of the time! Second, you are my friend, not my legal guardian. You are being more overprotective than Uncle Charlie! Third, what the heck is up with you acting like a jealous ogre at the party? An arm around the back of my chair should not make you go all Neanderthal," I replied. I started rubbing my temples. Arguing with Carlos was giving me a stress headache.

"I was not acting like a Neanderthal!" Carlos glared at me. I scowled right back at him.

"Stalking over to my chair with a look on your face that said you wanted to dislocate Mateo's arm from his body implies otherwise," I said. "Seriously, just ask Les, Bobby, or Tank how you looked. Why do you think I shot you with a Nerf gun?"

"Instinct," he replied without thinking.

"Ok, yes, instinct, but I was acting on my gut feeling after looking at your facial expression."

"Did I really look like that?" he asked me.

"Yes!" Seriously, how could he be this dumb?

"I am sorry for acting like a jerk, but I stand by my feeling that dating Mat is bad for your safety," he replied. "By the way, good shot."

I couldn't believe I actually got an apology out of Carlos. I think Hell must have frozen over.

I sighed, "Honestly, don't you think it would be pretty hard to date Mat with him going to Emory in the fall? Yes, he would be closer, but still, he would be a good two hours away. You need to let me make my own decisions though. Oh, and apology accepted regarding your behavior tonight. You still suck for ditching us today though. I don't begrudge you going out and having fun, but it is disrespectful when the previous night's festivities make it so you are indisposed of for your plans. I am not Lexie; I don't believe in demanding or expecting all your attention or time. This is your vacation and I want you to have fun and enjoy yourself. That being said, I do not like having plans fall through, especially without a courtesy call from you, because you decided last night's fuck buddy is more fun. I get that this is your leave, and _you have needs_. Obviously, I am _not_ the one to help you with that. _But _you could have at least called and said, 'Go without me.' We wasted hours waiting for you."

I blushed a brilliant red when I said he had needs and how I could obviously not be the one to fulfill those – not that I would mind being the one to satisfy them. I know it would be awful if we did though. I am underage. I wouldn't want him charged with statutory rape, which would also dash his plans in the Army. Our age difference is way to big at right now for it to even be a possibility. Besides, he is not in the position to even be in a long-term relationship and I already decided the next time I have sex, I want it to be with someone I love and with whom I am in a committed relationship. The second time I have sex, it will be done properly, on a bed, without other people around, and with someone who cares for me.

Carlos broke into my thoughts. "I might have been an ass earlier when I didn't call. To show you that I am indeed sorry for today, if Mat asks you to get together, how about we all go out as a group. That way you can spend time with him and I know you'll be safe."

"Are you going to act like normal Carlos or a Neanderthal if we all go out together? If it is the latter, the answer is a resounding 'No.'" I questioned.

"I will be myself. Would you consider carrying a gun? We can get you a thigh holster since you will probably where a skirt or dress," he probed.

I gave him a look of disbelief. Apparently Tank and Bobby had him pegged. "Don't you think it would be a bad idea to carry a gun without a license?"

"It is a safety precaution and worth the risk," he replied.

"Fine. This is not worth arguing about. I'm going to bed."

"Night, Babe," Carlos said, giving me a hug and a kiss on the forehead. "Again, I'm sorry for being a jerk."

"Thank you and apology accepted. Night," I said, hugging him back. I was relieved our argument was resolved. I highly doubt I would have been able to sleep otherwise.

_June 3, 1998_

_Song of the day: Filter, "Hey Man, Nice Shot"_

_So today has been all kinds of suckage. It started with Carlos ditching Bobby, Tank, and I to stay with his fuck buddy. And yes, I admit, I am totally jealous, not that I will ever admit that to him for so many reasons – age difference being the main one. Besides the fact I was jealous, I was so mad that he didn't even have the courtesy to say, "Hey, go without me." We wasted __**hours**__ waiting for him. Talk about inconsiderate._

_My day started looking up when we played beach volleyball with Miguel. Or should I say Hector since that is what his family calls him? He then invited us to his younger brother, Mateo's graduation party. I could tell that Miguel was trying to set me up with Mateo, and I was totally ok with that. Unfortunately, Carlos wasn't and threw a hissy fit. Honestly, it will be laughable in a few years to imagine stoic, twenty year-old Carlos having a conniption like a toddler, but right now it is still smarting too much. _

_I still went to Mateo's party and I am glad I did! He is __**gorgeous**__! Completely drool-worthy. *__**Sigh***__ We chatted, danced, exchanged contact info, and chatted some more. Then Carlos acted like a damned caveman when Mateo put his arm around the back of my chair. Seriously! Where did that type of reaction come from?! _

_I could have reacted a little better, I suppose. I shot Carlos in the forehead while he was stalking over. Definitely not the most mature reaction, but it was really kind of funny. He even admitted at the tail end of our fight that it was a good shot. Carlos and I had one hell of a fight about his behavior tonight at the party and his ditching us earlier in the day._

_Carlos sort of acquiesced to letting me see Mateo while I am down here. It just has to be in a group setting, which I will never admit to Carlos, but I was already planning. I don't know Mateo or the Miami area well enough to go out with him by myself at this point. Carlos got a little ridiculous, demanding I bring my gun on the hypothetical group date, but I just decided that was not a point worth arguing over, even if he is being ridiculous. _

_Oh well. Today has completely drained me. Hopefully I will dream of Mateo tonight. G'night, Journal._


	12. Chapter 12

AN: Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful, selfless, and giving mothers out there!

Some readers have asked if I will be changing POVs in this story. I do not plan on doing that in LR. Readers should be able to catch glimpses of Ranger and Les's thoughts in the chapters made up of the characters correspondence. Yes, there will be more chapters made up of letters and emails. That will also help speed up time - I know that was a concern for a couple of people. I hope that answers any questions you guys have. Feel free to leave more reviews or personal messages :)

Chpt. 12

"Really? I cannot believe you really left telling your family that you got into the Rangers until last night. I really thought you would have the _cojones_ to tell them before the _last night_," I said to Les and Carlos. I was sitting in the back between Les and Bobby, my feet propped up on the front armrest. [balls]

"You saw how they reacted, Beautiful. Why would we want to tell them earlier than we did? If we did that, they just would have hounded us everyday rather than just one night," Les replied.

"I think a good portion of their bad reaction was because they were feeling blindsided. If you make them think they are part of the discussion, even if you don't plan on using their advice or opinions in making your decision, they feel better," I said.

"Babe, what discussion can you have with Abuela when she is chasing you around, trying to hit you with her wooden spoon?" Carlos asked.

"Mmmmm, that was the highlight of my night by the way. She might not have chased you if you didn't tell her, and I quote, 'I have been accepted into the Rangers. I don't care what you say. I am going to be one of the best.' Way to smack her upside the head with a metaphorical two by four," I snorted.

Bobby started laughing next to me. "Dude, you have no soft skills," he said to Carlos.

Carlos decided that music was preferable to conversation and turned up the radio. Shocker, I know. The rest of the ride lacked conversation, but was at least filled with good music. The guys returned my aunt's car and dropped me off before heading to the barracks to start their training in the morning.

I was sad to say good-bye, knowing that everything would be different from now on.

* * *

Summer progressed quickly, most likely due to the fact that Uncle Charlie threw me into an Arabic language immersion summer camp that went from June 12 through August 7 at Middlebury College. Initially, I was reluctant to go because I already spent last summer in Basic. I was really looking forward to having a nice, lazy summer. I was a teenager after all. When I asked how I got into the school and why I was being sent, I was told that I am being "groomed".

"The higher ups and I see a lot of potential in you, Steph. I know this isn't how you wanted to spend your summer vacation. I know you already agreed to sniper training, which we moved to August, by the way. But this is in your best interest, and I promise, if you like the summer language immersion course, and continue to do them each summer, I will not hassle you about joining the Army," Uncle Charlie told me.

"Who are these higher ups that you are talking about?" I asked.

"Just some people in the different branches of the military and the alphabet agencies," he replied.

I looked at my uncle in complete shock. "Why are you discussing me? _I'm fifteen! _I am not even allowed to drive yet!"

"Well, yes, legally, you're not allowed to drive yet, but I was planning on teaching you this summer."

This conversation was getting more bizarre with each sentence Uncle Charlie uttered. "So what else are you considering teaching me this summer? And I guess throughout high school, too."

"Well, now that you mention it, we created a training schedule for you for the next three years," he replied. "Would you like to see it?" He proceeded to open his wall safe and pulled a binder titled "Steph Training &amp; Stats" which left me speechless.

I left the conversation with the understanding that the rest of my high school classes and vacations from school were planned out in great detail. On the upside, I was told that if I did well in my schooling, summer language immersion camps, and agreed to work for an alphabet agency of my choosing for five years after graduating college, my college education was paid for in its entirety. The bad part was that I might end up really hating the plan and could end up feeling trapped. That scared me shitless.

Uncle Charlie pointed out that I didn't have to make any decision about working for the government until I graduated high school. I was thankful I at least have a few years before I make that decision. He stated that this gave me direction, which I completely admit I lack. My sainted sister, Valerie, knows exactly what she wants to be – a housewife. I know exactly what I don't want to be – a housewife! Thankfully, I really like languages. That made stomaching my summers spent in language immersion classes more palatable.

I still left the conversation in shock.

_June 8, 1998_

_Song of the day: Lenny Kravitz, "Fly Away"_

_I just got back from Miami today and said good-bye to the boys. I don't know when I will get to see them. They have intensive training with no days off for the next four months. The only upside is that they will have access to email twice a week while they are training on base, so staying in touch will be much easier. I know things will change from now on though. _

_Once they complete training, they will go on crazy missions where they will see some truly gruesome stuff. Who knows how that will affect them? The missions will be for long periods of time and communication is generally nil from what Uncle Charlie has told me. I know we will remain friends, but people change when they see some of the ugliness in this world. Will they even be able to relate to me? Or I to them? In the mean time, I won't be able to get their advice or hear or read their teasing while they are gone. Hell, I will even miss having fights with them and God knows I hate fighting. _

_My uncle decided to drop a bomb on me today. The government is keeping tabs on my training and talent development. Yup, you read that right, Journal. The government is looking at me like I can be an asset in the future. And I'm only fifteen freaking years old! According to my uncle, they are paying for me to go to language immersion training each summer before college and it's not a cheapie summer program either. I did a little research. Middlebury College is highly rated as one of the top language schools in the U.S. and each session is essentially $1000 per week. Their summer program is for high school seniors and college students. Somebody in the top brass got me a pass on the age requirement._

_So in addition to being crazy expensive, they enrolled me in the introductory Arabic language immersion class. I know absolutely no Arabic! And it's eight weeks long! I am only allowed to communicate in Arabic while there, hence the immersion part. Somebody in the ABCs decided my learning Arabic would be the most beneficial to the government and in the end, make me the most marketable even if I chose not to do their "scholarship" program for college._

_Anyway I look at it, I am completely overwhelmed. They have the next ten years of my life mapped out. I know in general, I am directionless when it comes to a career, but isn't that normal for a fifteen year old? I am told it is not when a person is "as talented as [I am]" according to Uncle C. If I wasn't so shocked during our conversation, I might have pointed out that normal public school aptitude tests don't test one's ability to accurately shoot a multitude of guns accurately or learn a foreign language. I know I should be flattered to an extent that they see that much promise (if that's the right word) in me, but it's a little scary. _

_I truly hope that if my Uncle C gave me some sort of psych test without my knowledge, that I don't have some sort of "moral flexibility" to quote John Cusack's character had in Gross Pointe Blank. If I do, I really just don't want to know. I would like to think that I have good morals, but then, doesn't everybody? _

_I'm still overwhelmed and exhausted from the trip back from Miami and my bizarre life plan conversation with Uncle C. Nighty-night, Journal._


	13. Chapter 13

Chpt. 13

**Mateo Sanchez **

June 16, 1998

To: Stephanie Plum

Subject: Hi

So I called your home phone and your aunt said that you were at a summer camp type thing for the next 8 wks. What are you doing and where is the camp?

Sorry I didn't call while you were still in Miami. My family surprised me with a vacation to the Outer Banks as a graduation gift and we left the day after we met. I was grateful for and enjoyed our vacation, but I was also really annoyed at the timing. I was hoping to take you out on a date before you returned to GA. Maybe we can when you get back from your camp?

All right, it is like 3AM and I have to get up in 4 hrs for work. I need to work a ton and save my $$ so I have some emergency/spending money during the school year. So it's time for me to sign off. Night.

Mat

* * *

**Stephanie Plum**

June 16, 1998

To: Mateo Sanchez

Subject: Re: Hi

Oh! It's good to hear from you I was kinda wondering when I didn't hear from you.

So I am not actually at a camp per se. I am in this language immersion program at Middlebury College for the next 2 months. My uncle kinda sprung this on me the night I got back from Miami. If I like it, I will end up doing this program each summer until I enter college. Long story about how I got into the program, so I won't get into it.

Anyway, how was your vacation? Who all went? I hope you had fun with your family. The beach is basically the only place I have good memories of my whole family being together – before my parents passed away. I will likely love any beach I go to because of that. Sun, sand, and surf. What's not to love, right?

Where are you working this summer? Obviously, I am here for the next 7½ wks and then I have another commitment that will last about 2 wks right after this immersion program is done. I will have a whopping 1 wk of nothing to do before school starts. Maybe we can get together sometime during that week?

Ack! It's already 7:45AM and I need to (literally) run to class.

-Steph

* * *

**Stephanie Plum**

June 16, 1998

To: Lester Santos; Carlos Mañoso

Subject: So it's a funny thing…I'm in my own training program :P

Greetings from mountainous VT!

So, remember when you guys told me not to give into pressure and join the Army? Well, you don't need to worry about the Army anymore…. Maybe more like the ABCs and top military brass.

When we got back my uncle kinda dropped an A-bomb on me. I mean, seriously, I was speechless. When am I ever speechless about anything?! So I got back and he told me that he and his high up buddies and other people from the ABCs are very interested in my development – they see great potential. WTH right?!

So they decided that I'd be doing language immersion programs this summer through the summer after I graduate from HS. I didn't even get to choose which language immersion program I am in. Nope. They chose it for me. Arabic.

Yeah, you read that right. They see potential in me…and are paying $8K to send me to the best collegiate language program each summer for me to learn Arabic. _Arabic! _That's scary, right? I mean, that is my take on it. All I know about the Middle East is that they are always fighting with each other and wars. I don't wanna visit there. So yeah, Arabic, not high on the list of languages I want to learn – or even on the list at all. I thought Spanish and French….

I'm kinda overwhelmed to be honest. And freaked out. So totally freaked out.

And there is more to the story than just that. So they want me to go each summer until I start college and if I like Arabic and other training that Uncle C is planning on giving me (The man has a _binder_ with a full blown _schedule_.) I can choose to have the government pay for my college or not – a scholarship so to speak. The catch is, I have to work for some ABC for 5 yrs after I graduate. Not only is the rest of my high school and summers planned, but quite possibly my college and career!

Why does nobody get that I'm 15?! I was planning on working on my tan and hanging out with Lula. Instead I'm in serious language courses with these hardcore people and I'm not allowed to speak English in class, the dorm or cafeteria….

Maybe this is what it is sort of like to be royalty. Life mapped out for you with minimal choices. If so, that dashes any hopes I had of being Princess Stephanie which kinda sucks because Prince Harry is HOT!

ARGH! My time is up in the computer lab. Besides, I have a bleep-load of homework to do.

Love to you both. Don't get shot,

-S

* * *

**Lester Santos**

June 20, 1998

To: Beautiful

Subject: Re: So it's a funny thing…

Beautiful,

Woah! I'm even speechless and I can match you word for word.

So you choose whether or not you end up with an ABC depending on if you take their so-called scholarship, yeah? In the meantime, they pay for you to take intensive and difficult to get into (according to my internet search) summer program, which is actually for college kids with no strings attached?

If that is the case, it's not so bad. If nothing else, that looks good when applying to other colleges and maybe when applying for other scholarships provided you choose not to take Uncle Sam up on his…uh, generous offer.

I don't know what to tell you. You're too young to make a decision that could map out your life for the next 12-15 years. I guess wait until you have graduated HS and make the best decision you can. If we are in country, I know Carlos and I will be there to discuss this. We will have your back no matter your future decision, just like you were for us. Whatever you do, don't make a snap decision like you did with running over Morelli. This one could have way more serious consequences.

Everyone forgets that you are 15 because you are crazy mature for your age. I think you would be more like Lex if your parents had lived. Surviving that car accident and losing your parents…it was inevitable that it would change your perspective. I know you view their deaths as both a blessing and a curse and I guess I would probably throw your maturity into the same category. But, just look at it this way, if you weren't quite possibly the most awesome 15 year old in the world (Don't tell Lex that she comes in 2nd place to you. _She will kill me!_), we likely wouldn't have met or become family.

I have to write a quick email to the 'rents so that they don't freak out. Your email just deserved a hell of a lot more attention than theirs.

Love ya lil sis!

Les

* * *

**Carlos Mañoso**

June 21, 1998

To: Babe

Subject: Re: So it's a funny thing…

Babe—

Don't make any rash decisions. Even though you are an extraordinary 15 y/o, you are not ready to make a life-altering decision. I made some awful decisions at your age. I am just lucky that I got out when I did. This is probably the most serious decision you will have to make for a good portion of your life. If you choose to go Uncle Sam's route…let's just say I think you will be risking you life just as much as we will as Rangers, just in a different roll. Nobody at the age of 15 is ready to decide that. And if I were honest, I would prefer you didn't go that route. I would prefer to think that you are safe, tucked away from all of the ugliness in the world. You already experienced too much with the car accident.

How about we keep a running list of Pros and Cons for each decision and we can update and edit it every time we see one another? I know I would feel a lot better knowing you don't make this decision half-cocked and no offense, but you are known for impulsive decisions – Morelli, taking your aunt's car for ice cream/donuts (Sorry, don't remember which one.), letting the air out of all of the tires on your teacher car because you didn't like how they spoke to Lula, etc. If I am not around and Les is, I am sure he would work with you on it, too.

Are you at least liking your immersion course? I know you are freaking out about the implications of this and the General's binder (I admit to being curious as to what they want to teach you and when.), but at the very least, right now, while you are still in high school (and your life isn't at risk) this is a huge opportunity that I can pretty much guarantee no other kid your age is getting. Not to sound old, but try to take advantage of that.

Gotta go. Tank, Bobby, Les, and I are going to go run 5 extra miles tonight and 45 more burpees. We want to be in the best physical condition possible.

Don't go crazy, Babe.

Carlos

* * *

**Mateo Sanchez**

June 22, 1998

To: Stephanie Plum

Subject: Re: re: Hi

Hey Stephanie,

How you doin'? Did you hear me trying to imitate Joey Tribbiani in your head? If not, that is totally what I was going for.

Really, though, how are you? It sounds like you are the youngest one in the classes. Do you like them? Do you like your classes? I can't imagine learning Arabic. I mean I know I am bilingual and all, but that is how I grew up. It was a disaster for me to learn how to write in Spanish when I started Spanish 101. Speaking – great. Writing and spelling – total and utter shit. At least the Spanish alphabet is basically the same as the English alphabet. Arabic has its own alphabet and script. Shit. I just looked at it more. If you can learn this, my hat is off to you. Take a bow. That is damn impressive.

Vacation was GREAT. I also love the beach, but that seems more like a given since I grew up in Miami. Héctor, Mamá, and the rest of my siblings went. I know we fight with each other constantly because everyone is in everyone else's business, but I really do love spending time with them. I am going to miss them when I am at school.

Right now I work as a lifeguard during the days and then I wait tables at a local seafood restaurant a few nights a week. I am working about 65 hrs/wk, but like I said, I am trying to save up. So far I like my jobs. I was a lifeguard at a pool last summer. This summer I am actually on the beach. That part is pretty nice

Can you figure out what days you are definitely free after you get back? I would really like to see you.

Ugh. It's already 2:30AM. I have to wake up way too soon.

Mat

* * *

**Stephanie Plum**

June 22, 1998

To: Mateo Sanchez

Subject: Re: re: re: Hi

Quick email. I ran back to the computer lab at lunch to see if my uncle got back to me with the days I am free. I am free August 24-31. Do any of those days work with your schedule? When do you move in at school? When do classes start?

I gotta run and grab something to eat so I don't gnaw my arm off during afternoon classes.

-Steph

P.S. I totally heard Joey from Friends in my head. You will have to do your impression for me in person ;)

* * *

**Mateo Sanchez**

June 23, 1998

To: Stephanie Plum

Subject: Date?

Steph,

I move in Aug. 21. They have all this Freshman orientation and workshops and crazy stuff for us through Aug. 28, but I can make the drive that night. Maybe we can spend the 29th together and I can drive back on the 30th? Would your aunt and uncle care?

I'd really like to take you out on the 30th. Lemme know.

Mat

* * *

**Stephanie Plum**

June 23, 1998

To: Mateo Sanchez

Subject: It's a date

Mat,

I marked off the 30th in my planner. Laugh it up that I have a planner. They gave me one when I got to Middlebury to keep track of assignments and events. I'd say it is 25% Middlebury crappola and 75% Stephanie Is Trying To Have A Life.

I checked with my aunt and uncle. They are more than happy for you to come out. My uncle said to make sure you understood that "There will be no hanky-panky." Oh yeah, if he is cleaning a gun when you arrive, don't let it freak you out. I know you have been exposed to stuff, so you probably won't flip or anything, but I don't know. I think maybe I told you before Uncle Charlie is the General in charge of the Army Rangers. He's a little intense, but a really nice guy when you get to know him.

Um, since you are coming to my town, do you want me to make plans or do you want to plan yourself? Power of the internet and all that…. Lemme know ;)

Time to go work on my Arabic workbook. Seriously, I thought workbooks died out after the 2nd grade. What the hell?

Have a good one.

Steph

* * *

**Mateo Sanchez**

June 23, 1998

To: Stephanie Plum

Subject: Re: It's a date

Steph,

I'll plan the date. Power of the web and all that ;)

So tell me about Middlebury. I know nothing about that college. I never thought to look at schools in the northeast. I guess I'm a Southern boy at heart. Plus I doubt there are many Cubans in VT. Pretty hard to find a good bowl of _ropa vieja_ (my fave food in the world) there I bet.

I guess that brings up that topic. What's your favorite food(s)? Color? Music? Subject in school? Sports team? Hobby? Yeah, I know that is totally generic, but it's a lot harder to find these things out when I am not around to learn and observe in person.

So here's a sorta funny story from tonight at the restaurant: A group of lady golfers came in. I guess they are doing some crazy tour of golf courses in FL. I had no idea people actually had golf tour vacations. Is that what you call it? Anyway…they were TRASHED. I have seen people in numerous states of drunkenness, but these ladies had everyone else beat. So this one said to me that her golf game interfered with her drinking. I think she might enjoy a beer/wine tasting vacation better :P

Time for my 4hrs of sleep for the night. I have a feeling I might actually get more sleep during college than my summers.

Mat

* * *

**Stephanie Plum**

June 24, 1998

To: Mateo Sanchez

Subject: Re: re: It's a date

Mat,

Ugh, I'm in serious need a TastyKake Butterscotch Krimpet right now. It's one of my favorite stress foods, but nearly impossible to get down South. The upside to being in New England this summer is that I was able to buy a bunch. I will be coming home with a suitcase full of them! Hopefully my love of snack cakes doesn't freak you out.

My other favorite foods are: pineapple upside down cake, Ben &amp; Jerry's ice cream, chocolate is always good, too. The rule of thumb is if it has sugar, Steph will like it ;) You said ropa vieja is your favorite food. Are there any other foods you really love?

Favorites 

Color: blue and sometimes red

Music: Depends on the day. I listen to EVERYTHING from salsa (thank Les for that) to Metallica. I am totally loving 3EB self-titled album, No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom, and Metallica's ReLoad. Ask me again in the fall, there are some CDs coming out at the end of summer I am dying for.

School subject: I really like Spanish and English is ok. I also like Geography and World History. US History is _so boring_. I hate Math and that's a gross understatement. Otherwise, I'm kinda indifferent.

Sports team: NY Rangers and the Yankees, all the way. I refuse to cheer on the Braves. At heart, I'm a Jersey girl. You can take the girl outta Jersey, but not the Jersey outta the girl!

Hobby: I listen to a crazy amount of music. If I am in my room, my stereo is always going or I have a DiscMan and a small binder of CDs with me (the large one I keep at home) with my headphones on if I am alone and out and about. I also like shooting/target practice. It's my "bonding" hobby with Uncle C, but it's not my fave. Listening to music all the way!

Now it's your turn to answer the same questions :D

Haha, nice story about the lady golfers. Considering I always heard that "golf is a nice walk spoiled" (I think that is Mark Twain's quote), I imagine most golfers drink a lot. Considering putt-putt makes me want to toss the putter, I am assuming I would need to be drunk to willingly play ;)

I still have more HW to do.

Have a good night,

Steph


	14. Chapter 14

Chpt. 14

**Stephanie Plum**

July 31, 1998

To: Lester Santos; Carlos Mañoso

Subject: It might be growing on me…like a fungus

Hey guys,

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I know you guys have been crazy busy and doing all sorts of off-base training. I have been busy "immersing" myself in Arabic. It's grown on me. Well, more like I decided to make the best of it. Arabic would not be my first (or even 5th) language I would choose to learn, but it's not so bad – that is once I got used to their script/alphabet. The part of this whole thing I like the most is learning about the Arabic culture. Did you know that if you show the bottom of your shoe to somebody else (like if you crossed your legs) in the Middle East it is considered an insult? That stuff is the most interesting part of this whole thing.

So how do you guys like your training so far? Uncle C said something about survival training. I have a feeling you guys loved it. How he described it…well, let's just say it sounded like my version of hell. Now if it is survival training in a Hilton or a Marriott, I would be all over that Or a day spa. Yeah, yeah I know, you guys are men and this is manly, yadda, yadda, yadda. Just remember, I'm a girl even though I shoot any gun better than you two.

Being a girl I still like the simple luxuries in life – like sleeping in a bed. Sleeping on the hard ground with bugs and spiders just sounds miserable. Of course, so is sleeping in a dorm room without AC and a roommate with dreadlocks, which she doesn't wash. (That is apparently normal care for dreads, but still…ew, gross! And seriously, not washing her hair, even once a week is just poor hygiene. I mean, she could easily get lice or some other weird something that could jump from her head to mine. And hello! I have a massive amount of curly hair. Can you imagine the disaster it would be for me to get lice from her?!) Beyond that all I will say is my roommate is weird. She is a Rastafarian. I don't even know what that is, but yeah. She's just weird.

So I doubt it, but do you guys have any free time/day(s) off at the end of August? I have one week off before school starts – August 24-31. So far I have plans on August 30th Otherwise I'm free. I am hoping maybe I can see you guys in person and do something before school starts and you guys are sent out to rid the world of evil. If not, I totally understand.

Ugh, I still have a few pages of my stupid workbook (it makes me feel like I'm in elementary school again) to do before we gather to watch some movie, which will of course be in Arabic. I can't wait to be able to watch normal TV or movies and actually veg instead of overworking my brain at 2000.

Don't get shot.

Love to you both,

-S

* * *

**Carlos Mañoso**

August 5, 1998

To: Babe

Subject: Re: It might be growing on me…like a fungus

Babe,

You're too much. Arabic is growing on you like a fungus? Right. At least it sounds like you are enjoying yourself some, ignoring the juvenile workbook and apparently interesting roommate. At least you only share your room with one other person. We are all in the same barracks.

Tank, Les, Bobby, and I all aced the survival training and the PT requirements. We are the top for in PT. It's awesome knowing we are the best of this group. We want to be the best of the best, but you already knew that. We train harder than everyone else. For some reason, I think we realize more than some of the others how dangerous being a Ranger will be. I am not presumptuous enough to state I know exactly how dangerous it is. I just know the stats about Rangers and deaths on the job. I know it's high and even though I know I love the rush that danger brings, it doesn't mean I don't want to live.

The only real weakness the four of us have as a unit is that none of us are as good a shot as you. I can only imagine how amazing you will be after you get your sniper training. We will need to find somebody to fill that role for us otherwise, you might be giving a lot of one-on-one training with one of us ;)

Have you started working on the pros/cons list we talked about? If not, start on it. Les and I are both off on August 31 and can work with you on it then. We'll see you soon.

Don't go crazy,

Carlos

* * *

**Lester Santos**

August 7, 1998

To: Beautiful

Subject: Re: It's growing on me…like a fungus

Beautiful,

It's better that it is growing on you like a fungus rather than an STD. ;)

So does your roommate even take a shower? Does she use deodorant? Because if not, sharing a room without AC in the summer with her would be _rank! _Is she kind of like a hippie? The idea of dreadlocks on a woman is just so not sexy. It's just so wrong. You can tell her I said that, too. Hah! I can understand your wariness about getting lice from her. I got lice one time in elementary school and it sucked. Mom spent two days crying and cleaning the house, washing anything and everything that could go in the washer/dryer.

So what other languages would you have chosen to learn before Arabic? Are any of the movies you have to watch for your immersion class good? I'm sure I wouldn't like any of them since there are no gratuitous boob shots ;)

Yeah, I don't see you or Lexi choosing to camp out. It doesn't surprise me that your idea of camping is a high-end hotel. You're such a spoiled brat ;) Not really. You know I joke.

I'd write more, but I am freaking tired. Survival training is fun and all, but we each have to take a half a night every other night as a lookout for the group. I feel sleep deprived and we haven't even gone through that training yet.

Love ya, kid!

Les

P.S. Carlos told me we are seeing you 8/31. Sweet! :D

* * *

**Stephanie Plum**

August 8, 1998

To: Lester Santos

Subject: For your eyes only

So…remember how I met Miguel's brother, Mateo? We've been emailing back and forth the whole time I have been up here in VT. He asked me out on a date :D So he is driving to base on Aug. 29 so he can spend Aug. 30 with me. I know he will be leaving in the morning on Aug. 31. I don't know what your guys' schedule is like, but if you guys are off more than just Aug. 31, can you please keep Carlos away? And obviously not tell him that I have a date?

I know that is kind of a shitty to ask you, but I seriously _don't_ want to argue with him again. (Which BTW, that fight was all kinds of messed up. He takes the protector role _way_ too seriously. He's worse than my uncle. I swear that Carlos would put me in a convent if he could.) I also don't want a chaperone on my first date with Mat cuz that would be all kinds of awkward. And I _really like_ him from what I can tell from the night we met and his emails.

Sorry to put you in the middle, but I just have this feeling that I need your help. Just a feeling I have….

Hopefully you caught up on some sleep.

Love you. Don't get shot.

-S

* * *

**Lester Santos**

August 12, 1998

To: Beautiful

Subject: Re: For your eyes only

Kid,

You're killing me. You and Lex are too young to date (which BTW, she has a BF now. What do you know about him? Do I need to meet him and set him straight?). I will keep Carlos away, but I might stop in and make sure Mat knows the score. I won't go all caveman on him like Carlos did at his grad party, but I will make it known that he messes with you, he messes with us. We protect our own. I just promise to do it far more tactfully and less scary than my cousin.

Love ya, Beautiful!

Les

* * *

**Lester Santos**

August 12, 1998

To: Bobby Brown, Carlos Mañoso, Tank Sherman

Subject: Let's party it up in Atlanta!

We have Aug. 30-31 off. Let's go hit the clubs in Atlanta. What do you think? We can drive there in the afternoon and party all night. C and I are getting together with Beautiful on the 31st, but we can make that afternoon. Who's with me? We need to have some fun during what little leave we have. :D


	15. Chapter 15

Chpt. 15

I couldn't believe summer vacation (if I could even call it a vacation) was essentially over. I completed my first immersion Arabic course at Middlebury with flying colors just over a week ago and I was now waiting for Mateo to tell me what we were doing for our date later this afternoon. I needed to figure out how to dress; I was a girl after all!

Last night Les came over for an hour and gave Mateo more of a grilling than my uncle did. Ironically, Uncle Charlie had confidence in my ability to judge character and take care of myself. Les and Carlos didn't give me near enough credit. At least Les' talk with Mateo went better than I expected. It was also a thousand times better than whatever Carlos would have said.

"_Look, Mat. You know I know you and even like you. I've known Miguel for years and trust him. Hell, Carlos and I trust Miguel enough to watch out for Lexi and Steph when they're in Miami. In general, I trust you with both of them, too. The difference is now you want to date Steph and I can't blame you for that. She's a great girl, but she is like a sister to Carlos and me. You have sisters, so I think you can see where I am coming from. You had better treat Steph with the respect you want shown to your sisters. If not, well, I can't promise that you will continue to breathe regardless of my friendship with you and your family. Do you understand?" Les asked at the end of his hour long questioning. _

Thankfully Mateo understood and promised to take good care of me. I had no doubts about him, but I knew that Les would keep tabs on us. I was also grateful that Mateo didn't take offense to Les' little lecture and borderline friendly interrogation. When I apologized for Les (even though I still knew it would have been way worse if Carlos had been the one who was here), Mateo took it in stride.

He said laughing, "I would expect no less. Honestly, Les was pretty cool about it. You should see the act that Héctor gives my sisters' dates. Sharpening the blades he keeps on him at all times is often included and let's just say that he goes in depth with his descriptions of what he will do to the guys if they treat my sisters poorly."

I told him I kept Carlos away because I couldn't accurately predict how he would react, especially after his graduation party. I explained that Caveman Carlos is not the norm and that his behavior was out of character when we are together.

To be perfectly honest, I still hadn't figured out why he reacted so poorly and I had had a couple months to analyze it, too. The only explanation I could come up with was that he was jealous, but I knew that couldn't be right. He viewed me as a little sister. Just then Mateo came into the kitchen, breaking my thoughts.

"So I came up with a bunch of ideas for us to do today. Tell me what you think of them and then we can decide exactly what we are going to do," he said with a smile. "The first is that the base is having an outdoor movie night on an inflatable screen. How do you feel about watching Armageddon tonight? We can make a little picnic to take with us?"

"Oh! That sounds like fun!" I exclaimed.

"Ok, so tonight is already decided. Now for during the day, we have a few options: the Coca-cola Space Science Center, the Columbus Museum of Art, Butts Mill Farm, and Providence Canyon State Park. What sounds good to you?"

"Oh! Butts Mill Farm is supposed to be lots of fun! I know we can ride horses and go-karts. They also have a bungee trampoline thing so we can flip around if we want." I was completely excited by this idea. "Lula also told me you could buy the best homemade fudge there."

Mateo smiled at my excitement and laughed. "Nothing else can compete with go-karts, trampolines, and homemade fudge."

Mateo and I drove to the farm singing along to the Barenaked Ladies' album Stunt. We sang along together:

"Who needs sleep?  
well you're never gonna get it  
Who needs sleep?  
tell me what's that for  
Who needs sleep?  
be happy with what you're getting  
There's a guy who's been awake  
since the Second World War" (1)

I was pleasantly surprised when we were emailing these past two months that we actually like a lot of the same music. It was a nice commonality to have since music played such a big part in my life. We had even given each other a few CD recommendations that we both ended up loving.

Mateo paid for admission for Butts Mill Farm. We made a beeline for the go-karts. I couldn't resist a little smack talk.

"You are going to be watch me cross the finish line while you are still on the first part of the track and weep tears of embarrassment that a girl kicked your ass," I said with a big smile.

He laughed with me. "Do you even know how to drive? You're too young to have your license."

"Technically, nobody has ever taught me. I kind of might have driven a few times illegally…" I said giving him an innocent look.

"I somehow doubt that innocence," he said with a smile.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I have a tendency to kind of do things I'm not supposed to when I get bored. And if I am hungry at the same time…well let's just say I am highly motivated to borrow my aunt's car out for a little spin to pick up donuts or ice cream."

"So what you're telling me is that food is your ultimate motivator. Am I right?" he asked.

"Definitely! Especially if it is pineapple upside cake, TastyKake Butterscotch Krimpetts, Chocolate, or Ben and Jerry's ice cream."

"Would one of those four foods be a good 'I effed up, please forgive me,' gift?" He pulled me close to him, hands on my hips, looking down into my eyes.

There was definitely something to be said for guys who were a lot taller than me. I felt my heart race, probably due to his close proximity and amazing eye contact. I had to smile at him. He was being so serious and sweet. "Are you planning on screwing up?"

"No, but I'm a guy. It's inevitable," he laughed. He then became serious. "But believe me when I say that I do not want to screw anything up because I really like you."

I smiled up at him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. I felt like my heart racing because admitting my feelings to someone was not easy for me.

"I really like you, too," I admitted, my cheeks flushing to a deep shade of crimson. I broke eye contact a few moments later out of embarrassment. Mateo tilted my chin up and smiled at me, giving me a quick kiss on the lips.

"Let's go race," he said, thankfully breaking me out of my awkward silence.

We raced each other three times, laughing and teasing each other after each race. Ultimately, Mateo's skill driving beat my inexperience two out of three times, but I didn't care. It was all in good fun. We continued to enjoy the farm. We jumped on the trampoline, doing all the crazy flips that we could, laughing the entire time.

For the first time in years, I finally felt my age.

* * *

(1) Barenaked Ladies. "Who needs sleep?" Stunt. 1998.


	16. Chapter 16

Chpt. 16

Mateo and I continued seeing each other and after a few months of visiting every other weekend, we decided to start seeing each other exclusively, not that either of us had dated anyone else during that time. We had talked about it a month into seeing each other, but we wanted to make sure that a relationship between us was realistic due to the physical distance between us, the intensity of Mateo's schooling, and our age difference.

I even brought up sex and the fact that I wanted to wait a while. I wanted to die of embarrassment when I brought that up, but I thought it was only fair. I knew there were plenty of college girls that would be more than willing to hook-up with Mateo. After all, the man was gorgeous. I was incredibly thankful that he agreed to wait because I knew I was already falling for him.

I decided that it was a good time to tell him about how I lost my virginity and ultimately met Carlos, Les, and through them Miguel and Mateo.

"_I lost my virginity in a dirty movie theater on my first date. I didn't realize that Joe was known as a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am kind of guy. I was so flattered that he was paying attention to me because he was handsome and two years older than me. Let's just say that losing my virginity wasn't my idea and I really wish it hadn't gone the way it had. I want the next time to be with someone I love and who loves me back, in a romantic setting and preferably a bed. _

"_If Morelli incident hadn't happened, I wouldn't have met you though. I kind of got back at Joe by 'borrowing' shall we say, an MP's car and hitting him with it. I broke his leg, which was brought to my uncle's attention. My punishment was spending my summer in Basic Training. I was in the same unit as Carlos and Les and that's how we became friends. They took me under their wing and made sure nobody messed with me from then on. They even helped me get back at Joe in a few more ways. _

"_As much as I hate that losing my virginity happened like that…I don't feel badly about it anymore because I got so many great people in my life out of it, including you. It took me a while to get to this point, but I am finally ok with it," I said, ending my story._

"_Jesus! I can't believe he would do that to you. He sounds like a horrible person. I'm glad you were able to teach him a lesson and be so strong. So many girls would've done nothing and been ashamed. I am glad the guys helped you out, too. I really wish you didn't have to go through that, but like you said…ultimately, it brought you into my life," he replied taking me into his arms, kissing the top of my head. _

Even though I had accepted the Morelli incident, I was still embarrassed by it. I was relieved and comforted by Mateo's response. I think that was the moment when I completely fell in love with him.

My aunt and uncle agreed to let us continue seeing each other with a few (thousand) rules. Neither of our grades could suffer. I found their caring about his grades both sweet and annoying; I didn't feel like it was their place to give him grade guidelines, but he readily agreed to the rule. He said it was worth it to date me. I was floored when they actually asked to see his report card after he completed his first semester. I was not allowed to visit him at Emory overnight until I turned 17 and then I had to stay with a female friend, if we were still dating. He could only visit every other weekend, because we both had to spend time with our own friends. (I also figured Uncle Charlie made that rule so he could continue training me every other weekend, but I didn't tell Mateo about that.) I was not allowed to make long-distance calls to Mateo on their phone unless I purchased a calling card and then I wasn't allowed to be on the phone after 2100.

My aunt quietly made another rule when my uncle wasn't around. She said it would be naïve to think that Mateo and I would not have sex at some point. When that point came, I had to talk to her beforehand so she could take me to the doctor and get a prescription for the pill. She also said she would buy us condoms because she said there was no way she wanted me to get pregnant while I was still in school and two forms are protection are better than one. During the same conversation she whipped out two condoms and a banana. She demonstrated how to put on a condom and then made me put one on to make sure I knew what I was doing. I was ok while we were talking about going to the doctor and getting the pill in the future, but I wanted to die of embarrassment when I was given a hands-on tutorial of how to use a condom.

Mateo thought the talk with my aunt was crazy understanding, hilarious, and mortifying at the same time. He said he probably would have died of discomfiture if his mother taught him how to use a condom. However, he thought it was awesome that my aunt was so realistic and understanding. The fact that she wanted me to be safe and had the awkward conversation and demonstration with me showed how much she cared about me. Most kids, especially orphans, aren't that lucky he told me. When he pointed that out to me, I felt guilty that initially I didn't view it like that. Mateo often had a different view than I did about "parenting" type things because his father was absent due to being in jail for the majority of his life.

In between Mateo's visits, my uncle trained me. I practiced more shooting as a sniper. I even got to help the guys train during one of their "out in the wilds" training. They weren't too happy when I was able to "shoot" Bobby and Tank. Carlos and Les were more agile and missed my shots while pulling Bobby and Tank out of danger. I also took out their own sniper that was part of their team. Charlie was pleased with my performance. The guys were happy that I was so skilled, but unhappy with Ram, the sniper on their team.

Uncle Charlie also taught me how to drive to get my license as well as how to drive defensively. When I went to take the test for my license, he reminded me not to show off to the test administrator. I gave him an innocent smile in return because even though I thought about doing that to scare the test administrator, I had already decided against it. I didn't feel like spending another Saturday morning waiting about the BMV when I could be spending time with Mateo.

In addition to driving and sniper training, my uncle made me start running with him again every morning. Running five miles first thing in the day was not my idea of fun, but it allowed me to eat all the pineapple upside cake and Boston Cream donuts I wanted. So I decided it wasn't entirely awful. I even had to take more classes that taught different ways to fight, including boxing and krav maga. When I asked why couldn't I take yoga instead, he replied, "These classes will be more beneficial to you in the long run." He failed to expound on that statement though and that worried me.

Ultimately, I finished my sophomore year with all A's (mainly because being able to see Mateo was good motivation) all the while running five miles a day, learning how to drive regularly and defensively, sharpening my marksmanship, and learning multiple forms of self-defense. I enjoyed most everything except the self-defense. Fighting just wasn't my idea of fun.

Mateo finished his freshman year of college with all A's with the exception of O-Chem, which he got a B+ in. He wasn't thrilled with his grade, but I was proud of him. He was going to take a couple summer classes at Emory as well as look for a job to occupy his time while I was at Middlebury.

Carlos, Les, Bobby, and Tank were gone for most of the school year on missions after they successfully completed all their Ranger training. I was proud of them, but missed Carlos' quiet support and Les' fun-loving personality, and of course worried about them. Thankfully, Mateo took up a decent amount of my time so I didn't miss them too badly. Les checked in on Mateo a couple of times throughout the year, making sure he was still treating me well. Les had also helped me keep Carlos in the dark about Mateo. Neither of us wanted to deal with a cantankerous Carlos, but that didn't stop Les from telling me that I would have to tell him and sooner rather than later. When he pointed out that I was being just as cowardly telling Carlos about Mateo as he and Carlos were about telling their families about joining the Rangers, I finally agreed to tell him before I went back to Middlebury for the next two months. I didn't want to be a hypocrite. Ok, I sort of did, but mainly because I was scared for Mateo's safety, rather than the inevitable blow-up.

The Saturday morning before leaving found me in the Peach Blossom Café with Carlos and Les, who came along for moral support. I stared down at my large mug of coffee with extra cream.

"So, Steph wanted to tell you something this morning," Les said to Carlos all the while giving me a swift kick to the shin when I didn't start the conversation. I glared at Les and sighed.

"Babe?" Carlos asked, never one to waste energy on unnecessary words.

I took a deep breath, imagined a good outcome, and prayed that Carlos would react well. "Remember how Miguel introduced me to Mateo?" I began. When Carlos shook his head affirmatively I continued, "Well, we emailed each other all last summer and found that we got along really well. He visited me for the first time the Saturday before school started and took me out on a date. We've been dating now all school year. I thought it only right to tell you since you are one of my closest friends."

Carlos didn't respond for a moment, which I found terrifying. His blank face was in place and the only tell that told me the direction of his thinking was an almost imperceptible narrowing of his eyes. Not good, I thought.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" He asked quietly.

Ugh. Quiet Carlos was a stewing Carlos. Crap. Crap. Crap, I thought.

"Well…see, you didn't exactly react well at his graduation party. I wanted to see if there was actually something to tell you rather than tell you something when there wasn't anything to tell. Besides, I kind of wanted and still want Mateo to live. And back in Miami…well, let's just say if looks could kill, he never would have made it out of Florida after the way you looked at him," I replied. I smiled nervously at him. When he didn't react, I started biting my lower lip.

After another couple of minutes of silence, Les decided to join in the conversation. "Look, she was going to date somebody sooner rather than later. At least you know Mat and you know he's a good guy. I have already had _the talk_ with him. I had it before their first date and again a couple of times throughout the year even though Steph told me he was treating her like a princess. She couldn't have a better guy for her first boyfriend," he told Carlos.

I cleared my throat. "Technically, he's not my first boyfriend," I laughed, trying to lighten the mood. "I was engaged to Danny Yugulis when I was four."

Les snorted at me. Carlos didn't even bat an eye. Crap. Crap. Crap.

"I'm going to talk to him," he said to me. He then turned his attention to Les and glared. "You should have told me eight months ago."

"Dude, you need to chillax. He really is treating her well. Even the General says so. If you talk to him, I'm going with you," Les responded to him.

I sighed. Seriously? Why could he not just take us at our word? Why did he feel the need talk and most likely threaten Mateo?

"Can't you just believe us when we tell you that he is really great and has treated me well?" I begged.

"No." Well, that was concise, I thought.

I groaned, "Fine. Can you at least promise not to hurt him or threaten to take his life if he treats me badly?"

"No."

I rested my forehead on the tabletop, took a deep breath and counted to ten. One…two…three….

"I hope you know I really hate you at this moment," I told him once I lifted my head.

Blank face still in place, he just looked at me.

"Really? That's your response? Didn't they teach you to use your words in elementary school?" I was getting a little snippy at this point in the conversation.

He gave me a small smile, which was no comfort. "Yes, they did and then I joined the Rangers and they taught me how to kill silently."

"That's a complete _overreaction_," I hissed.

"I didn't say I would. I will just threaten," he responded. He stood up, gave me a kiss on the forehead and left.

"Shit," Les said. "I gotta go chase after him. I'll call you later." And with that, Les made the mad dash to catch up with Carlos.

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck, I thought. I left the café and walked home so I could call Mateo and beg him to still love me even if I have quite possibly insanely overprotective friends.


	17. Chapter 17

AN: Hopefully the last scene below is ok. I have never written any type of love scene before. _Constructive_ criticism is welcome.

* * *

Chpt. 17

"So…yeah, my 'conversation' with Carlos was intense," Mateo told me when he came to visit later that night. We wanted to see each other before I flew out on Monday morning.

"He didn't hurt you, did he?" I asked giving him the once over, looking for bruises, cuts, and scrapes, but thankfully finding none.

Mateo wrapped his arms around me and pulled me over to the wicker couch on our front porch. I sat down and cuddled up to him, throwing my legs over his. He started playing with the fingers on my left hand.

"No, I'm perfectly fine. How he acted was just…he was crazy intense. Even Héctor isn't like that with my sisters' boyfriends. If I treat you badly he threatened to slowly kill me by selling my organs one by one on the black market," he told me.

I didn't know how to respond to that. I just looked at him with wide eyes for about a minute. God, I was going to have to talk to Carlos. That type of threat was disturbing on so many levels. I would have to email him about that since I wouldn't see him again for God knows how long.

"Uh, I guess we should be thankful that he didn't actually hurt you today…right?" I asked, desperately looking for the upside. Mateo kissed my forehead.

"That's one way to look at it. Are you sure he looks at you like a sister?" he asked me.

I looked at him in shock. "I can't imagine him looking at me in any other way. I think I am almost a surrogate sister since he has such little contact with his family. Maybe that makes him…uh…crap, I don't even have a word for the level of intensity I saw this morning or how you told me your conversation went. Carlos and Les have always been protective of me. Since day one when we met, they befriended me and made sure one of the guys in the unit didn't bother me and also helped with Joe. Maybe Les is less intense since he still has contact with and sees Lex on occasion, unlike Carlos."

He just looked down at me and didn't say anything for a while. "Well, at least I know that Carlos will always look out for you…."

We dropped the subject and started talking about more exciting topics, like his search for an apartment which I would be able to visit this year since I would finally turn 17 this coming October and my immersion course amongst other things.

* * *

**Stephanie Plum**

June 15, 1999

To: Carlos Mañoso

Subject: SERIOUSLY?!

I don't even know where to begin with you. You are taking the protector role to an unhealthy level. You _threatened_ Mateo by selling his organs on the black market. WTH is wrong with you?! Words cannot even express how furious I am with you. I wouldn't threaten one of your girlfriends with a slow, painful death if they hurt you. That's because I care about you. Apparently you don't care about me though.

For any type of relationship – sibling, friendship, romantic, etc. – there needs to be respect. I obviously can't make you respect Mateo, but you should freaking respect my decisions and me. Right now you clearly don't. I get that I am younger than you and you therefore think that you are far wiser than me. I won't argue that about most things, but when it comes to _my love life_, I know what is best for me, not you! And if I'm mistaken, I'll deal and learn from it. You are not God. You don't get to decide for me.

You can contact me when you get your shit together and apologize to Mateo and me. Until then, don't you dare talk to me.

-S

P.S. Don't get shot.

* * *

My second summer at Middlebury passed quickly. I actually found I enjoyed the program this time around, probably since I knew what to expect and knew some of the other students. The only thing I didn't like was going two months without seeing Mateo. We still emailed every day and talked on the phone each night before I passed out from mental exhaustion. On the bright side, Mateo was working lots of hours again this summer so that he wouldn't have to work during the school year again, meaning I would still be able to see him often.

By the time I left Vermont I still hadn't heard from Carlos. I knew that the guys had gone on a few short missions and did some training, but he had plenty of time to grow some balls and apologize. I heard from Les a lot during the summer, but the only thing he told me about Carlos was that he was constantly in a bad mood. Not that I asked. Part of me would like to think that is because I am upset with him, but I knew that there was no reason that I would have power over him like that.

Because Mateo lived in Atlanta, he picked me up from Hartsfield International Airport so that Aunt Marjie didn't two hours each way to pick me up. Plus we never turned down an opportunity to see each other. I saw him by the baggage claim and took off running to meet up with him. I jumped on him, wrapping my arms and legs around him, hugging him tightly.

"I missed you so much!" I murmured in his ear before kissing him. At that moment, we turned into _that _couple – the one that does disgusting PDAs. Normally I am completely opposed to kissing in public. I am fine with holding hands and quick hugs, but beyond that, it just seems wrong. Maybe I am just prude, but that is beside the point. I missed Mateo so much that I forgot we were in public. When we came up for air I looked around and then about died of embarrassment.

Mateo just laughed at me. "I think you more than missed me, _querida_, but that's ok because I missed you, too." [darling] He was completely unfazed by making out in front of all these people. I unwrapped my legs and slid down his body until I was hugging him with my feet on the ground all the while hiding my face.

"Let's get your bag and then we can take off. Since your flight was delayed by nine hours and it is 8:00p.m. already, your aunt gave us permission for you to stay with me tonight. She felt it was safer for you to sleep at my place than drive back for a couple hours when it is late," he gave me a blinding smile.

"Really?" I asked, forgetting all about my embarrassment from just moments before. "What other things did you have to promise?"

He laughed, "You know your aunt and uncle so well. I got the lecture about not having sex with you. She made sure to tell me that if you were ready, you would have approached her to go to the doctor already."

And then my embarrassment was back tenfold. Some things just should not be discussed in public. Thank God that I saw my suitcase coming down the conveyor belt thirty seconds later. I grabbed it and started power walking to the first exit I saw. Mateo quickly caught up to me, and took my suitcase from me.

"_Querida_, you have to turn around. We are parked on the other side of the airport," he said. He gently turned me around and then we quickly walked to where he was parked. We drove thirty minutes to his apartment.

"Is your roommate going to be there?" I asked when we were getting out of the car at his apartment complex. I had yet to meet Alex, but I'd heard numerous stories. They had roomed together this past year. Alex let the freedom he had at college go to his head and partied way too much. Mateo even had to call the ambulance once because Alex had drank too much and had alcohol poisoning. After that he apparently learned the term "moderation" and was a much better roommate.

"No, he is staying at Laura's tonight. He was actually really considerate and said he would give us the apartment since you were staying tonight. Or it could be that Laura is embarrassed because last night I heard them. Apparently she's a screamer."

I snorted and asked, "You actually told her you heard them? If that was me, I'd be mortified!"

"God, no! I don't know her well enough to tell her or tease her. I asked Alex this morning to try to be quieter from now on because I would like to catch some Zzzz's. Who knows how he told Laura though," he replied. "Now, close your eyes. I have a surprise for you." He turned me around right before he opened the door to his apartment. Once it was opened, he covered my eyes and spun me around, guiding me into his new home.

"You can open them now," he told quietly in my ear.

I opened my eyes and looked around. While it was a typical college bachelor pad with a couple of futons for couches, a coffee table, a TV, and movie posters on the wall, it was lit with numerous candles. I saw a pineapple upside down cake on the coffee table. While I slowly turned around and took everything in, Mateo picked up a bouquet of red-edged peach roses, my one of my favorite flowers, and gave them to me.

"I don't even know what to say," I said with huge eyes. "How did you manage all this? You had no idea I was going to spend the night here before this afternoon." I inhaled the smell of my beautiful, fresh roses.

"I wanted to show you how much I missed you and I wanted to make the first night we get to spend together, even without sex, romantic for you. Alex was already going to help me tonight, but Laura said she would help, likely to make up for being loud last night. That's probably why it looks as good as it does," he told me.

"This is amazing. Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I hugged him tightly. "Is there any chance I can get to meet them tomorrow before you take me back home? I need to thank them, too."

"Yeah, I was thinking we could grab brunch with them if you were up to it. They agreed to play it by ear."He rested his chin on the top of my head.

"I'd like that, but for now let's forget about them."

I was excited to be able to be with Mateo and not worry about being caught by my aunt or uncle. We had very little alone time at my house. I reached up and tilted his face down to me so we could kiss. We kissed slowly and passionately, our hands slowing roaming each other's body. I started unbuttoning his shirt, but had to stop when he pulled my shirt over my head. He looked at me, his eyes shining with desire.

"You are so gorgeous," he murmured and started kissing me again, palming my bra clad breasts. Dear God, did that feel amazing.

I finished unbuttoning his shirt finally, my hands shaking with anticipation and nerves. I pulled it off, and admired his well-defined chest, trailing my hands down to the button on his jeans. He wrapped his arms around me again, unhooking my bra and sliding it off my body. We were both bare above the waist, arms twined around each other's body. I had never experienced so much skin-to-skin contact before; the sensation was almost dizzying.

He guided me into his room and onto his bed. While we were lying there we continued to kiss and explore one another's bodies with our hands. An hour later he was naked while I still had on my panties. He slightly pulled away from me causing me to open my eyes and look at him.

"How are you doing?" he asked. "Are you comfortable or do you want to stop?" I was surprised a little because I had not given any indications that I wanted to stop, but then I realized that this was Mateo. He never wanted to coerce me to do anything I didn't want to do, especially after what happened with Joe.

"I want to continue. You know I'm not ready to have sex yet, but that doesn't mean we can't do other things, right? You just need to teach me what to do," I said blushing at my admission. The most we had ever done when he visited at my house was make-out, grope, and once we had enough time that my shirt actually came off, but my bra remained on.

"I know you aren't experienced and you know that I am more than fine with it. Just remember, we can stop at any point if you aren't comfortable. You just have to say the word. Can I touch you?" he asked, his hand gliding down to my soaked panties. I shook my head affirmatively, biting my lip.

"Can I take these off?" he asked while looking at me, his eyes half closed with desire.

"Yes," I whispered.

He slid them down my legs. He slid a knee between my legs to separate them more and then pushed my legs apart more. He looked at me, his breath hitching. I felt embarrassed. I had never even looked at myself down there and now he was looking at me like he wanted to devour me.

"You are so beautiful," he said, running a finger up and down my swollen, glistening lips. I was beginning to lose what little ability I had to think and speak. I was lost in the sensations. I moaned. I never knew I could feel this good and we weren't even having actual sex.

"I'm going to put one of my fingers in you now," he told me. I knew he was telling me what he was going to do so that if I decided it was too far, I could stop him.

"Mmmm," was the only thing I was able to say. He quietly laughed.

"Are you liking this?" he asked after pushing a finger up and into my warm depths. Again, all I was able to do was moan in appreciation. I saw him smile and then leaned his head down to kiss me again. We continued to kiss, while he explored me. He added a second finger and I blissfully moaned. His thumb found my clit and I suddenly arched my back and broke the kiss once more.

"Mat…." My voice trailed off and I my breathing became erratic. Suddenly I felt my whole body begin to tingle while my body clenched around his fingers. After a couple minutes, once I was able to catch my breath, I opened my eyes and looked at Mateo. He was lying next to me on his side, trailing his fingers up and down my stomach. He smiled at me.

"How do you feel?" he asked me.

"Amazing. Totally relaxed. I think I might be boneless now," I replied. I smiled at him. He laughed at my "boneless" comment.

"Good," he said kissing me again.

"Give me a couple minutes to recover a little more and then will you show me what to do for you?" I asked.

"I'd love to," he said and nuzzled my neck while I lay on his bed, spent from experiencing my first orgasm. Once I recovered from my orgasm induced ecstasy Mateo showed me how to please him. We played together until the early hours of the morning, moaning, sighing in bliss, and laughing.

Right before I fell asleep cuddled up to Mateo, I whispered, "I love you," telling him for the first time.

"_Te quiero también_," he said, wrapping his arm around me even tighter and I drifted off into a very deep sleep. [I love you, too.]

* * *

_August 13, 1999_

_Song of the day: Sarah McLachlan, "I Love You"_

_I just wanted to quickly write in here since I didn't have a chance yesterday/last night. M picked me up at the airport last night. My aunt didn't want us to drive home when it was so late and let me stay at M's new place. And wow. Last night was just wow._

_We didn't have sex, but we did everything else. I never knew I could feel so good. Obviously the Joe thing kind of turned me off on the whole sex thing, but I think I am ready now. As long as it is with Mateo that is. I love and trust him. I told him last night and he told me he loves me, too! _

_I think I am ready. I will have to talk to my aunt. I am not looking forward to that conversation, but it is better than having a baby. I'm obviously not ready for that, so awkward conversation it is. _

_M just finished up his shower. We are going to brunch with is roommate and GF. Can't wait to meet them. After that M is taking me home. : ( I wish I could spend another night with him. It was A-MA-ZING!_


	18. Chapter 18

AN: Happy Memorial Day to everyone in the U.S.A. :)

Chpt. 18

I stood in the barracks where Carlos, Les, Bobby, and Tank all lived. I looked at everyone, annoyed that they were all staring at me. It was as if they never saw a girl before and I knew that was _highly_ unlikely; they were the "work hard, party hard" crowd.

"Everyone out now!" I barked. Apparently living with my uncle was good for one thing. Pointing to Carlos, I growled, "You stay." Everyone but Carlos, Les, Bobby and Tank filed out of the barracks slowly, silently evaluating me as they walked by. If they only knew about me – they would shit bricks to know I could take each and everyone of them out with my Accuracy International AS50 sniper rifle and they would never find a trace of me. I then looked at Les, Bobby and Tank and glared until they left as well.

I was incredibly unhappy with Carlos. He had two whole months to contact me and apologize. _And he didn't._

"Babe," Carlos said.

"That is not an apology, let alone a sentence," I bit out and glared.

"I am not going to apologize," he replied.

I was floored by that declaration. Seriously? Did he not value my friendship at all? Was he too stubborn to admit when he was wrong? Wasn't I worth that admission? Apparently not. I know shock was written all over my face. I finally found my voice.

"Why not? Isn't my friendship worth admitting you are wrong?" I questioned.

"He's not right for you."

"If I waited for you to like a guy I dated, I would die a lonely, old cat lady!"

"I'm sure you won't. You'll find the right guy one day," he told me.

I scoffed. "Seriously? You will likely end up telling my next boyfriend he'll die a slow, painful death while you skin him alive! And that's _if_ Mateo and I even break up!"

"You're sixteen. You'll break up."

"You're an asshole," I said through my gritted teeth.

He made the tiniest sound, which appeared to be a mini sigh. Carlos had slowly been working on internalizing all feelings and most forms of expression, making him very difficult to read. I hated that he hid everything from everyone, myself included.

"No. I'm the man that wants to protect you."

"Do I look like I need protection?" It was hard for me to keep from screeching at him.

"When it comes to guys, yes," his voice was perfectly calm and even-tempered.

Bastard. I was sure my blood pressure was spiking and he was as calm as a Tibetan monk. Not fair.

"Why do I need protection from guys? From Mateo?"

"Because, guys only think about sex. I don't want you to be used."

I laughed incredulously. "Seriously? Yes. Some guys are like that, but not Mateo. If that was all he was interested, we would not still be dating because we haven't had sex yet!"

**Shit**. I couldn't believe I told him that. It was none of his business. Well, maybe if he realized that Mat was with me for more than just sex, he would chill out. We obviously weren't together because he was thinking solely with the lower half of his body considering last night was the first night we got each other off, and it wasn't by making love. So maybe my accidental confession was a good thing.

Carlos looked at me like he was evaluating my admission.

"You haven't had sex with him?" he asked.

"No, not yet," I replied. I could not believe I told him. That was private – between Mateo and me and well, kind of Aunt Marjie since she would have to take me to the doctor's….

"Don't," was his simple, one word answer. His reticent behavior was becoming insanely annoying.

"You have no input in any decision that is between Mat and me." I was beginning to grind my teeth.

Carlos actually sighed. "I know that, but don't have sex with him. It changes everything and when you break up, having sex with him in the past will make it more difficult for you."

"And what if we don't break up?" I really disliked his defeatist tone, speaking about "when you break up." Ugh! Who was he to say that to me!

"Babe, you're sixteen and he is nineteen. It's inevitable."

"Fine. I will play the hypothetical with you. Why would making love with him make it more difficult 'when we break up'?"

I wondered if my uncle would be upset with me if I strangled Carlos. He would probably be unhappy if I killed one of his best, if not the best Ranger. It was getting really hard not to launch myself at him and go for the jugular though.

He looked at me like I was a stupid child. I never thought a look could be so condescending. "Having sex, especially in a long-term relationship, creates another emotional bond."

"And you think I can't handle that?"

"It's not that you can't. It's that I don't want you hurt more than you will be," he told me quietly.

I had to admit it was _kind of_ sweet, but also somewhat disappointing. Did he think I wasn't strong enough to handle a break up? I had handled everything else in my life so far.

"I am not weak! If Mat and I break up, then we break up. I will handle it."

He sighed again. "I didn't say you were weak."

"You don't want me to be hurt. It's like you think I can't handle it!" I exclaimed.

"Babe."

"That word tells me _nothing_!"

"I don't think you're weak. I think you are incredibly strong for your age. I just don't want you to be hurt more than necessary."

"Well, right now _**you're**_ the one hurting me! You won't apologize to me or Mat. That tells me that our friendship is not important enough to admit that you overstepped the boundaries of our friendship," I told him.

"Babe."

I could tell that it bothered him that I felt he was hurting me. I just stared at him. I said nothing, trying to wait him out.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you," he said quietly.

"And?" I prompted.

"Babe."

I stared at him again.

"I'm sorry that you feel that I overstepped the boundaries of our friendship. That was not my intention. I just wanted to protect you," he told me.

"Thank you. Now what are you going to say to Mateo?"

"Babe."

"Carlos."

"Babe." I could tell he was beginning to get exasperated with me.

"Carlos."

"I will apologize to him," he finally replied.

"And what will you say?"

"I will tell him that I am sorry that I threatened to slowly kill him and profit off of him if he hurt you. I just wanted to get the point across that he had better not hurt you," he told me.

"If you told him that in the beginning, we would not have been in a two month long stalemate." Now I was mad that we hadn't spoken in the past two months because of his stupidity.

"I'm sorry, Babe," he told me. He gathered me up in his arms and gave me a big hug, kissing the top of my head. "Forgive me?"

"Yes, as long as you apologize to Mat," I mumbled into his chest. He gave me a slight squeeze and then let me go.

"Want to go grab coffee and catch me up on your summer?" he asked. I shook my head yes and then we walked out of the barracks. His arm slung over my shoulder as I babbled about my immersion course, the people in it, what I learned, Valerie being a jealous brat, and of course Mateo.

* * *

_August 14, 1999_

_Song of the day: Staind, "Mudshovel"_

_Ugh. C and I had it out. Talk about frustrating. Are all men as dumb as him? Why can't he see that I will live my life and learn from it? Isn't that what most people do? And why couldn't he see that he was hurting me by acting like a complete imbecile? _

_Oh well. He apologized and I accepted it provided he apologizes to M. I accidentally told him during our argument that M and I haven't had sex yet. I can't believe I told him that. That is something private between M and I. I feel like I violated my relationship with M by admitting that to C. _

_After we fought (and I fought the urge to strangle him), we went and got coffee and caught up. That part of the night was nice. I missed him. Well, it was more like I talked and he listened. He has never been a big talker, but he did ask about Middlebury. He seemed interested in how I well I am learning Arabic. He of course clenched his jaw when I talked about M._

_He told me they had a few short missions and I guess they're prepping for a long-term one. When I asked what long-term meant, he said more than six months. Boo! It sucks since we're finally talking again. Oh well._

_Time for my nightly call with M. I already miss him and I saw him seven hours ago._

_Night, Journal._


	19. Chapter 19

Chpt. 19

My junior year of high school passed quickly just like my sophomore year. The only difference was that I now saw Mateo every weekend. I was allowed to visit him every other weekend in Atlanta so we alternated who traveled. He was amazing and I was head over heels in love. And we had sex every chance we got. I finally got why everyone made such a big deal about it.

In between our weekend visits, Uncle Charlie still had me training. It was completely exhausting and far from interesting. Well, okay, Krav Maga might've been appealing to someone who enjoys hand-to-hand combat, but if I were in that type of situation I'd much prefer to use one of my guns. (Hopefully I'd be able to use my sniper gun and scope if I needed to maim or kill someone. That would mean I was physically far away from the action. I had no desire to be close to it.) My uncle told me that it's possible to run out of ammo or my gun could be knocked out of my hand and therefore I needed to know multiple types of self-defense.

I asked Uncle Charlie what type of life did he think I'd lead. He told me it would be an **interesting** one. That didn't answer my question, nor did it lessen my worries about taking Uncle Sam up on his "scholarship".

Even though I was apparently training to be some sort of badass, I still managed to be girly and attempt to do the major high school milestones except one. As was custom in the junior or senior years in the southern US girls were doing the cotillion. Even though I was approached and strongly encouraged to apply to be part of it, I opted out. I didn't particularly like the history behind it. The idea of being introduced to society in the prospect of finding a spouse rubbed me the wrong way. It also might have to do with the fact that I was seventeen and while I was deeply in love with Mateo, I was not ready to be "introduced to society" in hopes of marriage.

Even though the idea of the cotillion made me shudder, I was definitely excited about going to the prom. Mateo was just barely young enough to escort me provided my guardians signed a permission slip. Thankfully Aunt Marjie and Uncle Charlie had no problem giving permission.

I wanted to look beautiful for him. Aunt Marjie and I spent a whole entire Sunday searching for the right prom dress. We finally found it after hours of searching. I like shopping as much as the next girl, but trying on dresses for over six hours made me seriously reconsider my love of clothes shopping. We finally found the perfect dress. It was royal blue chiffon, sweetheart dress with jewels and silver sequins overlay covering the bust of the dress up to my collarbone. Initially, I wanted something with more pizazz – like a glitter bomb blew up on the dress. I am from Jersey after all. Aunt Marjie talked me out of it and I was glad she did. I _loved_ my dress. I felt like a princess.

Aunt Marjie and Uncle Charlie were taking pictures of Mateo and I dressed in our prom best. After about forty-five minutes, Mateo whispered in my ear, "Do you think they will ever be done taking pictures? I've been faking my smile for the last twenty minutes."

I had to laugh a little at that and whispered back, "Then you did better than me. I've been faking it for the last thirty."

"Marj, don't you think you have enough pictures now? I'm sure you have tortured the kids for more than enough time," Uncle Charlie said.

I started mentally singing "Alleluia" when Charlie said that. My cheeks actually hurt from smiling for forty-five minutes straight.

Suddenly, I heard lots of noise behind me. I turned and saw Lester, Carlos, Bobby and Tank. Of course, Les and Bobby were the ones making all the noise since they were the boisterous ones in the group. They had been gone for almost eight months doing God-knows-what in God-knows-where.

I was so excited to see them that I completely forgot Mateo was next to me. I attempted to run over to greet them, but quickly realized that running in four inch heels meant that I'd likely break an ankle. (The only upside I could see to that would be getting out of self-defense classes.) Thankfully, Les ran up to me to greet me instead, yelling, "Beautiful!" The other guys just smiled and laughed as they walked up.

"Oh my God! When did you get back? I missed you so much!" I exclaimed while I jumped into Les' waiting arms. Even with my heels on and my two-inch growth-spurt this past year the guys still dwarfed me.

"We got back a couple of days ago, but had to go through days of debriefing and evaluations since the mission took so long," Bobby replied.

"Babe," came from Carlos. At least he had a small smile on his face. I think this "Babe" meant that I looked nice, but I wasn't sure.

"Hey, Little Girl," said Tank. I gave him a big smile in return.

I gave them all hugs and kisses on their cheeks.

"Did everything go ok? No injuries?" I asked looking each and every one of them over.

"We're all fine. No major injuries," Carlos said.

Les snorted, "That's only because Carlos here saved us all. Everyone is now calling him Ranger because he is the ultimate U.S. Army Ranger."

I looked over at Carlos and said, "I'm not calling you Ranger."

"Babe."

Just then the limo arrived with Lula and her date, Jeff, who resembled a wooly mammoth with his beard, long hair, and huge size. She was in a sequined, orange organza dress that had a short mini skirt with long spiral-like tendrils hanging down. I thought it was ugly, but then Lula's and my personal styles were polar opposites.

"Holla, white girl! Yo' dress is hella tight! You ready to kick the ass of this prom shit?" Lula practically yelled, her always-effervescent self. Just then she realized that the guys were back from their mission. While blatantly checking out Tank she called out, "Wassup guys?"

They all mumbled "hey" and "hello". I was amazed that even after all this time she still scared the crap out of my badass Ranger buddies. I quickly ushered Lula and Jeff to the limo and then turned back to the guys, making quick plans to meet up with Les and Carlos tomorrow evening. Mateo seemed to materialize out of nowhere (I apparently forgot that he was even around! Crap!) and placed his hand on the small of my back and guided me into the limo.

Mateo and I danced most of the night, stumbling home around 0500 the following morning after going to the post-prom after-party at school.

_May 15, 2000_

_Song of the Day: Lifehouse, "Hanging By A Moment"_

_It's 0530 and I'm exhausted, but happy. We just got back from the prom and the after-party 30 min. ago. It took __**forever**__ to get my hair down and take off all my makeup. Up-dos are totally overrated. My hair looked awesome, but I swear it gave me a headache for half of the night._

_Ignoring the up-do headache, the night was __**magical**__. Mat took me and it was so much fun. He stayed glued to my side except when I danced with Lula to Destiny's Child's song "Bills, Bills, Bills". I think my favorite part was when Mat and I danced to Lifehouse's "Hanging By A Moment". I think that might be "our (new) song"._

_The guys also showed up right before we went to the prom. I felt so much better, seeing that they're all alive and well. They were gone for __**months**__. Anytime they go out I get nervous, but they were gone for so long…well, I was more scared than normal. I think seeing them back actually helped me enjoy the prom more. I felt like I could breathe easier…I didn't feel the weight of their absence. Maybe I just had more to celebrate at prom this year. _

_Today, well technically yesterday, was a fabulous day for so many reasons…. I hope I never forget it._

_Time for sleep. Night, Journal._

* * *

_AN: To see Steph and Lula's prom dresses check out my Pinterest for FanFiction. The URL is on my profile page._


	20. Chapter 20

Chpt. 20

I was trying to figure out how in a blink of an eye the summer passed me by while I packed my suitcase. Normally I'd be packing my suitcase to leave Middlebury and go home, but a week ago I got an interesting call from Uncle Charlie.

"_Hey, how are you doing today, kiddo?" he asked me._

"_I'm doing ok, you?" I replied. I looked at my alarm clock in my room. It was 1830 on a Tuesday night – not the time of our weekly scheduled phone calls. (Those happened on Sundays at 1100, after church.) I was a little worried about what would come out of my uncle's mouth. Most likely it would be some bizarre training idea that I'd never use in my life._

"_I know you're supposed to come home this coming Sunday, but there's been a change of plans," he told me._

_I felt the muscles in my back start tightening up. My spidey sense was going crazy. I knew I wouldn't like what would come out of his mouth next. _

"_What type of change?" I asked, trying to keep my voice as normal as possible._

"_I booked you a flight to Spain. Well, technically you have a few flights and a trip on a train. You fly from New Hampshire to JFK and from JFK you go to Madrid. You will go to the U.S. Embassy to meet up with a friend. Then you'll hop on a train from Madrid to Valencia," he told me. _

"_Is this another language immersion program? Because if so, I only have four weeks before I start my senior year. Well, it'll be three weeks after I finish up here. That's really not much time to immerse myself in the culture," I told him. I knew it wasn't another language immersion course, but I could hope._

"_Not exactly, but you'll be doing a homestay. Clotilde's a very nice lady. She's helped us before," Uncle Charlie told me, beating around the bush._

"_Since I'm not there to study the language, __**why**__ am I going there?" I asked bluntly._

"_I sent you an email. You know that email address I gave you that you could use to email me anytime, from anywhere in case you got in trouble?" he asked._

"_Uh…the one you told me was a 'secure' email address or something like that?" _

"_Yes, that one. You need to read that over. This isn't how I wanted things to go. Hell, we didn't plan for this, but there are extenuating circumstances and we need you," he told me. His vagueness and use of 'we' meant the U.S. government. _

_**Fuck**__. That was all I could think. __**Fuck, fuck, fuck….**_

_I went to the computer lab and got a computer in the back corner where nobody could come up behind me without my noticing. I logged into my account and read._

* * *

_**Charles Plumari**_

_July 30, 2000_

_To: Stephanie Plum_

_Subject: Spain_

_Steph,_

_This isn't how I wanted things to go. Even though I've given you more training than most soldiers get in their whole careers, I always hoped you would stay out of the field. All the additional training was "just in case". My personal hope for you is to become an analyst with the CIA. That's why I got you into the immersion courses at Middlebury. Good old Uncle Sam wanted you to get more practical, physical, hands-on training each summer. _

_Unfortunately, I need you. The guys need you. Ram decided to play soccer with some kids in the street and managed to break his leg. You're the best sniper we have and the guys need a damn good one to cover their backs. I'm very sorry to ask you to do this. Hell, they don't even know I am asking you to do this. They just know I'm getting someone to fill Ram's position._

_Al-Qaeda managed to kidnap one of our top nuclear scientists while she was on vacation with her husband on Ibiza. The guys found where she's located and are monitoring everything, taking note of the captors' routines to determine the best POA. [Plan of Action] _

_You'll be flying into Spain. When you're in Madrid you'll go to the U.S. Embassy and will meet up with the U.S. ambassador's daughter. You'll both be staying with Clotilde in Valencia. Your cover will be to visit Spain and practice your language skills, but you'll go out to the clubs every night and epitomize the American party girl. Just follow the ambassador's daughter's lead when it comes to your cover story. She is a true party girl. _

_I'll give you more details once you arrive._

_I love you,_

_Uncle Charlie_

* * *

I looked at my alarm clock. Crap. I needed to hurry. I had only an hour to finish everything up before the cab arrived to take me to the local airport. I couldn't get excited about my first trip abroad. The fact that I'd likely have to use my AS50 sniper rifle on a real person more than cancelled out any positive feelings I could've had.

I finished packing just as the cab pulled up to my dorm. I managed to make it down to the cab with my colossal-sized suitcase without killing myself – a feat for me no matter how many push-ups Uncle Charlie made me do. Thankfully the driver loaded my bag in the trunk. I only managed to get it to the cab because the suitcase was on wheels. There was no way I could lift a fifty-pound suitcase into the trunk with ease.

As we drove to the airport, I looked out the window, watching the world go by. I felt like I was driving away from what little was left of my childhood to the unknown.

I arrived in Madrid without any problems, but I was exhausted. I was beyond grateful to see a man holding a sign with my name. When I walked up to him, he introduced himself as Eli, the driver for members of the U.S. Foreign Service, and that he'd drive me to the embassy. I was so happy that I wouldn't have to use my brain in order to get there. I was feeling a little drunk from lack of sleep.

I dozed in the car while Eli drove and cursed about insane Spanish drivers rivaling the idiot drivers in Boston. If I had more energy, I likely would've laughed. When we finally arrived (two hours later) Eli ushered me into the embassy and showed me into the private wing of the building where there was an available room for me. Apparently some people actually lived here. I was shocked, but incredibly happy to see that there was a bed waiting for me.

After sleeping for six hours, I woke up feeling relatively human again. I found the attached bathroom and did my daily beauty routine. I dressed, psyching myself up to meet the ambassador's daughter and find somebody who could give me more information as to what I'd be doing while I was here. Eli was sitting in the hall outside my door, working on a laptop.

"Oh good. You're awake. I was worried I'd have to wake you up soon," he told me. "Let's go to one of the secure rooms so you can get your information. Then you can meet Lindsey. She's a year older than you."

We walked through the private hall of all the private residences into the public portion of the embassy. He explained that the ambassador and his family always live in the Spanish embassy. A lot of single employees lived here as well until they got their bearings and found apartments. He was one of the few who lived in the embassy for the long-term. When I asked why, he said overall it was a better fit for him because he worked crazy hours and he hated dealing with the idiot drivers.

He guided me into the secure room and told me he'd be back shortly. When he got back he had a thick envelope and what appeared to be my AS50 rifle case. I looked at him questioningly.

"I'm one of the CIA's analysts in Europe. Outside the embassy I'm just known as the embassy gopher. People don't think to watch their conversations around 'unimportant' people like drivers. Lindsey has no idea what I do so don't repeat this," he told me.

"What's in the envelope?" I asked. It wasn't just any manila envelope. It was the biggest I'd ever seen, and it looked stuffed.

"In here you'll find all the details you need in order to get in contact with your team as well as an earwig to use during the actual mission. There are also two guns in addition to your rifle and a knife. You have a secure Sat phone in case you need to get into contact with the General or me. I'll be your point person in country. Do you have any questions?" he asked me.

I still felt jet-lagged, but I forced my brain to work a little quicker.

"Um…yes. When are Lindsey and I leaving for Valencia? Also…I really don't want to take my large suitcase. Is there a chance I can get a small rolling one or something?" I asked.

"Yes! Actually, one of the girls in the office went shopping for you so that you'd have the appropriate wardrobe. Just bring you personal items and what I gave you. We'll make sure your suitcase is transported back home for you."

"Do I have an exit plan? Am I staying after this is complete?" I probed.

"You'll have to read the information in the envelope for more details. You're going to continue to stay in Spain for a week after the mission is complete and go out with Lindsay so that you can reinforce your cover. You guys will come back here and then we'll drop you off at the airport to fly back to the U.S." he told me.

"And what if this goes badly?" I asked, my nerves were making me nauseated.

"No matter what, you'll be safe. Provided Al-Qaeda doesn't move the scientist, your position will be on the roof of the club you'll be partying at that night. You'll just slip back down to the party," he told me.

"What about my rifle?" I might not like what I had to do, but a lot of my accuracy was because I was attuned to that rifle.

"We'll have your rifle hidden beneath an air conditioning unit up on the roof and when you're done you'll hide it in the same spot. One of our guys will pick it up and return it to you."

"I guess that's everything," I said.

"Then it's time to meet Lindsey. She really is a nice and intelligent girl. Remember that. She just doesn't make the best first impression," he told me.

We left the secure room and went back to the private residence. I dropped off my package from my uncle in my room and then went back to where Eli was waiting in the hall. He guided me to the ambassador's private residence door and knocked. A girl of about eighteen opened the door and looked at Eli and me.

"Ohmigosh! You must be Steffie! Hiiiiii!" she said in one breath. Eli's forewarning made sense. She came off as an airhead. The nickname was annoying. I only had to deal with it for two weeks.

"Hi, nice to meet you," I said holding out my hand. Instead she engulfed me in a hug and started jumping up and down. I shot Eli a look over my shoulder. I didn't do perky and avoided perky people. These two weeks were going to drag.

"I'm so happy to have another girl my age to hang out with here! I just graduated and Dad wouldn't let me backpack around Europe with my friends from school. He's a complete drag. I mean, like seriously. I'm eighteen. Technically I could've still gone with them since I'm an adult and all, but then he said he wouldn't pay for me to go to NYU and would take away my trust fund." She sighed at the end of her whining. I amended my initial impression of her to a spoiled airhead.

"Yeah. I'm excited, too!" I decided faking it was the best route to go. "Have you been to Valencia before?"

"Oh, I have! They have _great_ beaches! You can even sunbathe topless if you want! Or nude, but I won't go _that far_. I hate tan lines when I dress up, but since nobody important is going to be seeing my ass…."

She continued to babble at lightning speed about different clubs and the best DJs. Apparently she was well known throughout Europe's club scene and was always able to get into the VIP areas. At least that could be useful, I thought. I half-listened to her, asking her questions about what she liked about the different clubs and how I should dress since I never went clubbing. I fibbed and said that my suitcase was lost by the airline, but that it'd be delivered within the next twenty-four hours. That way I gave Eli and his coworker time to get my new clothes to me.

Talking about how to dress for clubs turned into a discussion about the right makeup to wear clubbing. According to Lindsey, it was all about the glitter – glitter eye makeup, glitter lotion, and glitter nail polish. I might be a Jersey girl and like my glitter and bling, but I didn't want to look like a glitter bomb exploded on me. After listening to her for a couple hours and occasionally chiming in, I asked if I could borrow her laptop to shoot a quick message to Mat.

* * *

**Stephanie Plum**

August 8, 2000

To: Mateo Sanchez

Subject: Arrived in sunny Spain

Mat—

Just wanted to let you know I got here safe and sound. I met Lindsey, the ambassador's daughter. She seems really nice. She loves clubbing and beaches. We are leaving for Valencia tomorrow.

I will email you when I get there and find a cybercafé.

I love you,

S


	21. Chapter 21

Chpt. 21

I was ecstatic when we arrived in Valencia – it meant I could get a little breathing room away from Lindsey. She spent the three hour and ten minute train ride obsessing and telling me about Mike, a guy from school that she hooked up with. I learned about his penis size and shape, his strange proclivity for feet, and that his father was some government diplomat. Lindsey didn't just specialize in TMI moments. Oh no, she specialized in _hours_ of TMI.

Once we were in the cab she tried to turn the tables. She either tired of talking about Mike or decided that my love and sex life could be interesting. She attempted to interrogate me about Mateo. She had no idea that trying to get information out of me would be very difficult since I spent the last few years surrounded by military men. I knew how to keep my mouth shut. I didn't trust her to keep my secrets. With my luck, I'd decide to trust her and by the end of the day all of Europe would know how many sexual partners I had and how I lost my virginity. No thanks.

We arrived at Clotilde's apartment; it was a relatively large-sized four bedroom flat, two floors above a bar. Once she showed me my room I plopped my stuff on the floor in the baby blue room and flopped down on the single bed in my thinking position.

I should've been unpacking, but I couldn't help but think about the packet of data Eli had given me. I read through everything three times yesterday and I knew. I just knew. After I covered the guys' backs from the rooftop I'd become a murderer.

After a three-hour siesta, unpacking, and having a late dinner with Clotilde, Lindsey and I went to _Once_, a popular _discoteca_ with the rooftop that I needed to access. Lindsey of course knew the bouncers and management. The upside was that she got us into the club for free. One of her manager buddies guided us to the VIP section and gave us a free pitcher of sangria. [Eleven, dance club]

We danced and drank for hours. Well, I should say Lindsey drank for hours. I had one glass of sangria and then switched over to soda water with lime, so that it appeared to be a gin and tonic. Lindsey got sloshed while I checked out the club, looking for a door up to the roof. I finally found it in the poorly lit hallway leading to the bathrooms and office. Unfortunately, the door was locked and it couldn't be opened using a credit card. I'd need to come back with lock picking tools another night to make sure I could handle it or see if Eli could get someone to do it for me. Picking locks was _not_ my forte even though Carlos worked with me for hours on that skill.

I stumbled back to the VIP section giggling and pretending to be drunk.

"Liiiinnnn-sheeee," I purposely mispronounced her name, "I think," giggle, "ish," giggle, "time," giggle, "to _gooooooo_." I prayed to God that she'd agree so that we could return to Clotilde's. My feet were killing me and I was tired. (The transatlantic time change wasn't my friend.) It took a lot of energy to mentally catalogue a whole club, dance, and pretend to be drunk. Also, I was beyond annoyed by how many times guys grabbed my ass while dancing. If I had to dance with another jerk and he groped me, it'd take a week for him to find his _cojones_ after I was through with him. [balls]

Lindsey looked at me and burst out laughing. "_You're so drunk!_ Let me just dance this last song and then we'll go." She left me on the burgundy velvet booth seat and started "dancing" with another random guy. Her version of dancing appeared to be more like an active game of tonsil hockey. I sat there and took off one of my platform, strappy sandals and rubbed the arch of my foot. I quietly hummed along with Paulina Rubio's "Y Yo Sigo Aquí" until Lindsey was done making out with her third Don Juan of the night.

When we got back to Clotilde's I immediately showered. I hated reeking of cigarette smoke. While I washed off club creepsters' cooties and that disgusting club stench, I mentally planned what I needed to do so that I'd succeed with my part of the mission.

I knew I needed to contact Eli asking for a lock picking set or a copy of the key to the club's roof. I was hopeful he could pull off the latter for me. If he suggested I pickpocket a club employee, I'd be up shit creek. Uncle Charlie put his foot down when it came to learning that particular skill. He said he "didn't want me to have the skills to be a criminal." That seemed incredibly hypocritical considering he trained me to kill (even if it was for my country), but what did I know?

The rest of the week was spent sunbathing on the _Playa del Carmen_, exploring the city, and of course, more clubbing. Lindsey was in party-girl heaven. I was attempting to make the best of the trip, but knowing the likelihood of what I'd have to do on Saturday night made it difficult. Friday afternoon Eli dropped off the key to access _Once_'s rooftop, making the reality of what I'd have to do Saturday night hit me over the head once again. Friday night I threw out my shrink's advice about dealing with things head-on. I drank, dancing the night away, and visited my former favorite destination: Denial Land. [Carmen Beach]

_August 12, 2000_

_Song of the day: Paulina Rubio, "Y Yo Sigo Aquí" _

_T – 22 hours. It's almost here. Obviously, I can't really write about this…. I don't want to do this, but I have to…the guys are too important to me and need my help. I convinced Lindsey to keep going to the same discoteca this week. She was cool with it. (Apparently she has some tortured romance going with her manager "friend"…. I've attempted to avoid the topic.) I spent the first few days memorizing everything, but since then I am pretty comfortable there, I can actually enjoy being "a party girl"._

_On the few occasions I've managed to pull Lindsey away from El Jefe (my current nickname for her manager "friend") we've danced together. We even danced up on the bar right in front of the DJ. That part was surprisingly fun. El Jefe took a picture of Lindsey and me up there. I admit I looked hot for once in my life. I normally pull off cute, not sexy. Hopefully I can get a copy of the picture so I can have a positive memory from this whole thing. _

_I also picked up a four-CD music compilation of all the popular dance music here – Caribe 2000. It's fun and I can lose myself when I listen to it. All the songs are upbeat and fun to dance to. That's actually what I'm listening to now. I'm trying to forget, but can't. Not really anyway._

_I suppose I should get some sleep. I need to be alert tomorrow. Wish me luck tomorrow, Journal. The guys and I will need it. Night._


	22. Chapter 22

Chpt. 22

T minus 30 minutes. I already ditched Lindsey and El Jefe, pretending I was going to go off with Eduardo, some guy who hit on me at the _discoteca_ tonight. Lindsey was easily convinced and El Jefe didn't care. I danced a couple songs with Eduardo and then ditched him so that I could go up to the roof. I had to pretend to go to the bathroom when I went to access it because there was a drunk couple arguing heatedly right by the door to the roof. Apparently the boyfriend made out with the girlfriend's supposed BFF. I didn't care, but I had to listen from the bathroom door so that I'd know when they finally left. Waiting was making me even more nervous. I'd feel better once I was in position – at least about providing cover. I was sick to my stomach with nerves and fear about what I'd have to do.

Ten minutes later the idiot girlfriend forgave him. I peaked out the bathroom door and saw the coast was clear. I pulled the key out from the side of my bra, underneath my arm and opened the door as little as possible so that I could just squeeze through. I closed it just as quickly and ran up the stairs. I didn't worry about being quiet since the club music was blaring. I could feel the bass even from the roof.

I saw four air conditioning units on each corner of the building. I looked over each side of the building until I saw the building the American scientist was supposedly in. I looked underneath the closest air conditioning unit and saw my Accuracy International AS50 rifle case and what appeared to be a little, black toiletry travel case which I knew would hold more information, gloves, my earpiece, and microphone so I could communicate with the team. I quickly slid them out, popped the earpiece in, set my microphone to the appropriate channel, put on my gloves, and started assembling my rifle as quickly as possibly.

"Check-in. West is good," I heard Tank's voice from my earpiece.

"Good on north," I heard Les.

"Almost ready to cover. Give me a minute," I said quietly, knowing they could hear me. There was a good thirty seconds of silence before a response.

Carlos was the only one to say anything. I heard him mutter, "Son of a bitch! I'm going to kill him." I assumed he was referring to my uncle. I knew Carlos and Les did not want me to live this type of life.

"Desperate times calls for desperate measures boys," I said sounding more confident and at ease with the circumstances than I truly was. "Two on the roof and one in third floor window on the west."

"Set watches for five minutes," Carlos instructed, "starting now."

"I'm leaving the man on three for one of you so I don't alert anyone inside," I said, "unless you tell me otherwise."

I clicked five minutes on the hand held timer that came in my little black bag of goodies. My timer vibrated and I heard Carlos say, "Now."

I took out the two men on the roof before my second target had a chance to report in that the other was shot. I was incredibly thankful that the music and general noise from the club covered the noise of my rifle. And then I waited, listening intently to see if they needed me to cover them. The only person in the building I had any chance of taking out from my position was the man in the third floor window. He moved around a bit, but not out of my line of sight.

"One down in the north," I heard Bobby whisper.

"Three down in the west. She must be this way," Carlos whispered.

"Making our way over," Les replied. Two minutes of radio silence had my nerves frayed.

"First floor cleared," Tank whispered. I sighed. Of course she wouldn't be on the first floor. I'd hoped even though I knew the odds were not in my favor.

"Going up to two," Carlos said for my benefit. They were all together going up what sounded like the only set of stairs. "Spread out."

I listened while they took out a couple more guys. Apparently the second floor had next to nobody on it, leaving the third floor. I listened while they took out what sounded like the rest of the captors. Then I saw the man in the third floor window make a sudden move. He grabbed a woman who I was assuming was the American and now was holding a gun to her head. I saw my guys come into view.

"I'm taking the shot," I said and pulled the trigger. He dropped from my view, dead from my single bullet to his head. I heard Carlos tell her they had to hurry and instruct Bobby to wipe all video evidence. I continued to cover them as they exited, all going in different directions agreeing to meet at their previously determined exaction point.

I quickly dismantled my gun, wiped it down for any possible finger prints even though I wore gloves, and returned it to its previous hiding spot. I went back down the stairs to the club and listened at the door. I didn't hear anybody, but the loud music would mask most noises. I quickly peaked out and saw that the hallway was clear. I went into the bathroom to scrub my hands and arms to get rid of powdery substance from the gloves and the lead from firing my weapon. I fixed my hair and put on fresh coats of mascara and lip-gloss. Giving myself a quick once-over, I decided I was presentable and went back out to dance and drink the night away.

Denial Land, ticket for one, please.

_August 14, 2000_

_Song of the day: Metallica, "Killing Time"_

_It's done. It's the morning after and I can't take it back. I wish I could—I think. I feel sick to my stomach. Could be from all the alcohol I drank last night. The guys would do anything for me. I'd do the same for them. So maybe I wouldn't take it back. _

_I wish I could forget. I couldn't get back to Denial Land last night without drinking copious amounts of sangria._

_When I finally slept, I dreamt of the man in the window and woke up in a cold sweat. Is that normal? What's a normal reaction to this? I wish I had someone to talk to right now. Or not. No, probably not. I hate talking. Uncle C emailed me yesterday to tell me he has all the confidence in the world in me. He also wrote that I would be back in counseling twice a week for a while and there was no arguing. I want to fight back and say that if it weren't for him I wouldn't need therapy again. I'm not sure I even need it now. I just need someone to tell me that feeling like this is normal. _

_I am here for another six days. That means six days without talking about it. Lindsey wants to go to Playa del Carmen and Once again. I agreed to the beach, but I don't want to go back to Once. I think I might actually throw up if I do. But I do want to go out tonight. The more time I have alone, the worse I am. I want to be surrounded by people and forget._

_I just want to forget. _


	23. Chapter 23

Chpt. 23

"Steph!" I heard Mateo's voice from behind me. I was currently waiting at the baggage claim area. I turned around and looked at him. He had such a sweet, innocent smile on his face. I wonder what he'd think of me if he knew what I had done a week ago…. Would he still love me?

I walked into his waiting arms and took comfort. I wanted to cry. I was exhausted because I had barely slept in over a week and my emotions were all over the place. I didn't know which way was up.

"I missed you," I mumbled into his chest.

He kissed my forehead and replied, "I missed you, too."

"Tell me what you've been up to for the past couple weeks. Believe me when I say, I would've much rather have spent my last two weeks of summer with you."

Mat then proceeded to tell me about his work as an orderly in the hospital and told me funny stories about some of the patients. One elderly man came out from anesthesia after having a minor procedure done and needed to go to the bathroom. Mat put another gown over his shoulders so that he wouldn't flash anyone while walking down the hall. He was shuffling down the hall when he suddenly stopped, fisted his hands and put them on his hips. He then called out, "Da da da dun! I'm Superman! Look! I've got a cape and everything!"

I had to laugh. In that moment, I fell a little deeper in love with Mat. Because of him I smiled and laughed genuinely for the first time in just over a week. I didn't feel like I was drowning in my despair and guilt. With him by my side, maybe I'd be able to just barely keep my nose above water.

When Mat was done telling me about the past two weeks he focused on me. "So tell me about Valencia. I've never been to Spain. How'd you like their accents?"

I laughed a little, "The accent took a little getting used to. I'm used to you, your family, Les, Carlos, and their family. None of you guys speak with that lisp. It threw me off for a few hours, but I caught on."

"So what did you do while you were there? You mentioned the beach and going to one club repeatedly because your partner in crime for the past two weeks had a thing for the manager."

I felt a sharp pain in my chest thinking about killing those three men and Mat's use of the phrase "partner in crime". If he only knew that she wasn't my partner in crime. _She was my cover for __**the **__**crimes I committed**__. _I managed to choke out some sort of response that satisfied him. I wasn't meant for this life. I sucked at lies and omission. Plus, lying was just another thing to feel guilty about. I already felt guilty enough...

After a little while I told Mat I was exhausted and he agreed to listen to music the rest of the way back home. I decided to go old school and pulled out his Nine Inch Nails' Downward Spiral album. It fit my dark mood.

Aunt Marjie was on the porch waiting for us when Mat pulled into the driveway. I could never figure out how she always knew just when I'd be arriving home. It was like she had some sort of the-kids-are-coming-home radar. I jumped out of the car and ran into her open arms. I started to cry silently, unable to stop the tears from falling.

"Steph, what's wrong?" my aunt asked.

Ugh, I'd have to tell another lie. Well, at least I was telling the truth – just not about why I was crying.

"I just missed you," I mumbled into her shoulder. "I guess I just got a little homesick." My aunt hugged me tighter and replied quietly that she had missed me as well. I spent the rest of the afternoon with Mat and Aunt Marjie, relaxing and enjoying the comfort of being home.

Shocking me, she told me that Uncle Charlie was in Washington, D.C., for the next week. He had quite a few meetings in the Pentagon. I couldn't decide if I was relieved that he wasn't home or mad about his absence. I was so angry with him. He put me in that no-win situation, but at the same time, I understood why he did. He truly felt he had no other recourse and Carlos and Les were my chosen family. And seriously, even though I borderline hate him at the moment, shouldn't I come before his job? Shouldn't he be here to greet me and see how I'm doing? Maybe it's just easier for him to avoid me and throw me in therapy rather than deal with the consequences of his decision.

Not surprisingly, Valerie was absent until after dinnertime as well. Apparently she had a date. The idea of hanging out with her wasn't high on my priority list, but even I'd want to see her if our rolls were reversed and I hadn't seen her in over two months. I missed her – not much, but just the same. At least I cared about her. I couldn't say the same for her. If she did, she kept it well hidden. And that hurt.

I realized suddenly that I was thinking about my lack of a sisterly bond with Val. Talk about bizarre! I never give her much thought. With her, I'm tit for tat. She ignores me, so I ignore her. Maybe I want more of a relationship. I had never really considered it before because ours had never been easy. This whole Spain trip really messed with my head, making me reevaluate what I want from my _biological_ family.

The only thing I was certain about when it comes to my family is this: Aunt Marjie is my rock now. She's the only one in my family that I both love and like at the moment and that part really sucked.

_August 21, 2000_

_Song of the day: 3 Doors Down, "Loser"_

_I'm home and I don't know if I am happy about that or not. It's probably best I'm home. I feel like I'm in this precarious place in my life. I don't know where I'm going. I'm not happy and I don't know how to be. How can anyone be happy when they feel they can't stand with the weight of their guilt on their shoulders? _

_And then here's the sick thing: At the same time, I don't feel too guilty about __**it**__. How __**fucked up **__is that?_ _And that makes me feel guiltier. _

_I know I'd do everything again. I thought about it for the entire flight back from Spain. I'd do it again because Carlos and Les are important to me – maybe even vital. They give me so much support and guidance. They give me help, boost my self-esteem which depending on the day can really suck. (Thanks Mom and sorry for thinking ill of the dead, but ya know…the truth's the truth.) They made me a part of their family and that means something to me. Even my own family (ahem, Valerie) doesn't make me feel accepted or loved. I also wonder how Uncle C views me. Am I his niece? Or does he just view me as a weapon? _

_I guess that's enough heavy thinking for the night. Night, Journal. Time to take an Ambien™._


	24. Chapter 24

Happy Fourth of July to everyone in the good ole of U.S.A.! Hopefully you'll get to see some great fireworks like we will :)

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Chpt. 24

I had been home for a five days when I was **summoned** to my uncle's office in Garrison Command. What the hell is up with him **summoning me**? I'm **not **one of his soldiers! Ugh!

I still hadn't seen him since I left for my summer course at Middlebury. He spent this past work week in D.C. doing God knows what with God knows who. Most likely they were planning the complete corruption of my soul. (Apparently all those Sundays Mom dragged me to church and forced me to go to my PSR classes influenced me more than I thought.)

I sighed as I walked to Garrison Command. I felt like I was walking to the gallows rather than a place where I used to happily spend lots of my free time. I entered the office and realized that Lori, Uncle Charlie's secretary, was already gone for the day. I didn't realize it was already after 1700, but then my sense of time had been off for the past couple weeks.

I heard raised voices and stopped in my tracks. It sounded like Carlos' and Les' voices. I silently crept up closer to my uncle's office door.

"What the hell were you thinking? She's a kid! She's not meant for this life!" Les yelled.

Carlos continued on with Les' train of thought, snarling, "How could you take away her innocence? She's seventeen! She's already experienced some of the worst things in life. Why would you add on killing someone to that list? And not just one person! She had to kill _three_!"

My uncle's voice was barely audible. He sounded tired and maybe even resigned. "Ranger, don't you think I know that? Stephanie was my last resort. I had nobody else who was as accurate a shot and could get into Spain without causing red flags to pop up. I had no choice. _They_ gave me no choice."

They? I wondered who exactly _they _were.

"Who gives a flying fuck what _they want_? She's basically your kid and instead of protecting her like you were supposed to, you threw her to the wolves!" Les yelled at my uncle.

I was surprised my uncle was letting them speak, well, more like yell, at him. Maybe he actually cared like he wrote in his email, but that was hard to believe right now. It's easier for me to be mad at him rather than figure out what he was thinking or why he manipulated me into…into doing what I had to do in Spain. Just thinking about it made me choke on the tears that almost always threatened to fall these days.

"I made a deal with them. It was the only thing I could do. It was a no-win situation for her, but I tried to make the best of it. The deal was she did the Valencia op and they pay for her college like they offered, but she'll never have to go in the field again. She can have any analyst position in any agency she wants…." Uncle Charlie's voice trailed off.

"You think _that_ makes everything better?" snapped Carlos. "They gave her a choice when she decides about college. The deal didn't state she had to work in the field if she took that so-called 'scholarship'."

"They were going to force her into working in the field. All of her training and test scores…she's exactly who they looking for. I saw the writing on the wall. I did the best I could to protect her," Charlie said. He spoke with more conviction than he had earlier in their argument.

"You didn't do good enough," Carlos bit out.

"I know," my uncle sighed.

He sounded remorseful and that just pissed me off more. I didn't want to see his side of things. I decided now was a good time to announce myself. I didn't want to hear more of their conversation. It'd be easier for me to remain mad at him the less I knew. Currently anger was the only thing that kept me going.

I crept back to the main door to the office and made sure I made plenty of noise, throwing my book bag on one of the two chairs meant for waiting visitors and plopped down in the other one.

The door opened and Carlos and Les stepped out of the office.

"Beautiful!" Les exclaimed, bouncing over to me. He scooped me up from my seat and gave me a huge hug. "I'm so happy to see you!"

When Les finally put me down, Carlos hugged me tightly for a few minutes and then kissed the top my head right before he released me. All he said was, "Babe," but I knew what he meant. He meant that he was happy to see me and that I was alive, that he was upset about what I had to do, and that he'd be there for me – unconditionally. I felt more comfort in that one-word sentence than I thought possible.

"We'll wait for you to speak with the General and then we're taking you out to dinner," Les told me.

"'Kay, thanks," I replied with a wan smile.

I walked into Uncle Charlie's office and stood in the doorway just looking at him. I didn't know what to say or do. I just stared at him.

"Come in and close the door, Steph," he told me.

"Yes, sir," I said and sat in the chair in front of his desk. I hated the whole set up of his private office. It was confrontational at best, with his desk facing two chairs. Granted, I wanted to confront him, but I didn't know what to say. I hadn't figured out how to express my petulance and conflicted feelings, especially not to _him_. He must've caught on to anger and stood up from behind his desk, walked around it, and then perched informally on the corner of his desk in front of me.

"How are you doing?" he asked.

Oh my God. Seriously? _That's_ how he's going to start this conversation? He **summoned me**! And now he wants to talk about my feelings? Um no! Too little, too late, buddy!

"Fine," I replied tersely.

He sighed. "Steph, I know you're not 'fine'. Marjie told me you've been having nightmares every night and wake up screaming. She said the only thing that calmed you was Mateo going in and holding you the night he brought you home."

"Like I said, I'm fine," I stated.

"Stephanie Michelle Plum, don't you dare lie to me," Uncle Charlie growled.

I stood up, unable to contain my anger any longer. Tears streaming down my face, I wailed, "_Now_ _you care?_ Why now? If you cared, you'd have never sent me there! How do you think I am?"

Suddenly, he looked defeated. His shoulders slumped and he sighed, "I did the best I could under the circumstances."

I laughed bitterly, "If that's _your best_, I don't want to see _your worst_!"

"I had no choice, Stephanie. We needed to get the scientist and we needed your help. I made I deal when you agreed to go and I spent the last week in the Pentagon hammering out the last of the details. We'll never ask you to do it again. I swear," he forcefully said.

"Excuse me for being skeptical," I scoffed.

Uncle Charlie sighed. "You've every right. I scheduled your appointments for the next couple months with Dr. Hannah Price. She has the clearance to talk to you about Valencia. Your first appointment is on Monday and you'll see her three times a week for at least the first month or so. She'll decide when you can start seeing her less. We'll talk about the deal in a little while…when you're feeling up to it. You're dismissed."

I snorted at the absurdity of his dismissal. Apparently he couldn't decide if he should treat me as his niece or a soldier. And therein lie our problem.

I walked out of his office and walked over to Les and Carlos, both of whom were sprawled out in the uncomfortable wooden chairs that looked far too small for them. I stood in front of them with my back ramrod straight. I was trying to pretend I was strong. Maybe if I pretended long enough I would be.

"So somebody mentioned dinner! Can we go somewhere with pineapple upside cake?" I asked in a fake cheerful voice. I tried to smile, but my face felt stiff. Les went along with me, but Carlos just looked at me. I swear he looked at me like he could read my mind.

He gave me another hug and rubbed my back. I felt his cheek rest of the top of my head and just barely heard him say, "Everything's going to be okay, Babe. I'm not going to let them do anything else to you."

Hearing his comforting words and being wrapped in Carlos' arms, the dam broke I sobbed uncontrollably into his chest. Carlos picked me up bridal style and held me close while he carried me to Les' Ford Explorer.

"Let's take her back to our place. Can you get take out and find a piece of pineapple upside cake for her?" I heard Carlos ask Les as they walked.

"Yeah, not a problem," Les replied.

Les opened the door to the back seat of his SUV. Carlos deposited me onto the back seat and then climbed in, pulling me onto his lap. Les pulled out the seat belt and helped wrap it around both Carlos and me. He then jumped into the front seat and drove off base.

I fell asleep crying, curled up on Carlos' lap.


	25. Chapter 25

AN: Sorry for the wait everyone. Hope this makes up for it :)

* * *

Chpt. 25

I woke up to Carlos smoothing my hair back from my face while he held me on the couch. He was speaking to me in soothing tones. "You're going to be ok. I promise. I'll help you. I'll always be there for you, Babe."

I made a humming noise and snuggled into his warmth. Slowly I opened my eyes, looking around. It took me a minute or two to wake up fully. I looked at Carlos questioningly and asked, "Where am I?"

"You're in Les' and my apartment. We figured this would be a good, safe space for you to talk to us. Les is picking up takeout and in search of a piece of pineapple upside cake for you," he told me.

"Thanks," I said shyly. I had to smile at their concern and caring—granted, I did kind of have a breakdown in front of them.

I realized I was still in Carlos' lap and he was slowly rubbing my back, making for me feel a little awkward. I wanted to snuggle into his embrace, but knew that wouldn't be right. He's supposed to be like my brother except I still have a bit of a crush on him. Besides, I have a boyfriend. Shit…I didn't talk to Mat today. I scooted out of Carlos' lap and sat next to him, resting my head on his shoulder. That's more appropriate, I think. Mat couldn't get upset about it if I moved out of his lap as soon as I was awake—I hope.

"You want to talk about Spain?" Carlos asked me.

I started gnawing on my bottom lip, deep in thought. "Um…well…I don't even know what to say or where to begin."

"Babe." Right. That meant start anywhere. I let out a little sigh.

"So here's the thing…I think I _should_ feel guilty for killing those people, but I don't and _that_ makes me feel awful. I mean I killed them. Murdered. Cold blood. I didn't even think while I was doing it. Then after…I didn't want to think about it. I still don't, but I know I should feel badly. I took those people away from their family and loved ones. They're no longer going to enjoy life…they're just…dead.

"And the worst thing is that I know I would do it again – in a heartbeat. What does that say about me? I mean I know I'm not religious or anything. Mom tried and Aunt Marjie, Uncle Charlie, and Val still go to church. _They believe_. I…I don't know if I do, but I know it goes against the Ten Commandments and those were the only part of church I agreed with as a kid. Even if I don't believe in God now, I kind of sort of agree with them…well, except for maybe the fact that I don't even know if I _believe_. I think that's the first one. Shit, I'm breaking commandments left and right." I finally took a breath and looked at Carlos.

"Ok, well first, it's totally normal to feel like you do, especially when you do what you did under orders. This life…this life isn't in your nature. Are you good at it? At every type of training they throw at you? Hell yes! But here's the thing, just because you're good at something doesn't mean you have to do it. You don't have to make a career out of it. If you want to keep going with it, I'll support you, but you already know how I feel about it. Les has told you how he feels also.

"I'd be more worried if you were completely fine and content after doing that job. You being upset and even a little…broken, for lack of a better word, are normal. I understand why you don't feel guilty about what you actually did, but that you do because of your lack of remorse. That's how I felt after my first mission…my first kill, too. It's hard to feel remorse for taking awful, evil people out of the world, and that goes against everything we're taught as children, taught in church, taught by society," he told me. While he was talking to me he wrapped his arm around me, trying to give me as much comfort as possible.

"Yeah…but…" I stumbled over my words and stopped talking for a minute to collect my thoughts. "That's only part of the reason why I don't feel guilty about what I did. I thought about this my whole flight back to the States. I know it could've been _you_ _and Les _or them. I wanted to guarantee that you guys would come back to me – at least this time."

I felt Carlos tense beside me and a second later relax. He wrapped both arms around me again and pulled me back onto his lap. Sitting on his lap sideways I could easily look him in the eyes. He closed his eyes for a couple seconds and then stared back in my eyes. He tilted his head forward and rested his forehead on mine.

"Babe…" For the first time in months, hell maybe even over a year, I could see his feelings play across his face.

"Babe," he started again, "I appreciate where you're coming from. It makes me love you all the more because you chose to do this in part for Les and me, for the team. But from now on…you don't have to protect us. We should be protecting you like we did in the past.

"You're one of the most important people in my life and I don't want you hurting yourself…damaging your karma to protect me. You're too good for that. You have this love of life and, God, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but when you're happy you have this _bubbly effervescence_ that brings light to the darkness that's my life. I never want you to lose your spirit, your light. Selfishly, if you do, I might not find my way back.

"I…we do a lot of bad things to a lot of bad people. Shit, we've broken more of the Ten Commandments than you ever will in your lifetime. You just got a taste of it and you see how it can wreck you. Again, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but that was a clean mission. Don't get me wrong. We couldn't have done it without you, but it wasn't messy. Most missions aren't that clean…. Often times they're beyond ugly. It's really hard to come back from those and function, interact with everyone, and continue on with your life like normal. You deserve a better life than battling demons and darkness on a daily basis. And as much as I appreciate that you had our backs, I'd rather risk my life than watching your light slowly burn out because you're covering my back. Your life and wellbeing is more important to me than my own," he declared.

I sat in his lap and continued looking in his eyes. I didn't know how to respond. The depth of his feelings for and protectiveness of me was staggering. I knew I shouldn't, but I realized I had no words to respond to that. So I decided to settle into his lap and cuddle even though I really wanted to kiss him instead. I figured that would at least show him that I felt safe and secure with him. I said a silent, "I'm sorry," to Mat knowing that I'd never tell him about this. He wouldn't understand.

After a few minutes of cuddling in silence I asked, "So how do I…how do I deal with this guilt? How do I continue on with life like usual? I think I'm forever changed…."

"This will surprise you, but talking with your psychologist will help. And yes, I've done it and will continue to on occasion. It's SOP for all of us to see one for a period of time after a mission, especially when we had to take someone's life," he explained.

"So you actually talk to someone? Willingly?" I probed.

Carlos' lips twitched a little and his eyes crinkled like he wanted to smile at my disbelief. "I didn't want to after the first mission, but I was forced to. I realized it's not all that bad. I'll never be the guy who is warm and fuzzy and talks about his feelings with ease, but talking after a mission helps you to sort your feelings and deal with your conflict and confusion. I can't believe you haven't talked to anyone yet. I swear I'm this close to wringing the General's neck. He's not taking care of you like an uncle or hell, even a commanding officer should take care of a subordinate."

I looked down and gnawed on my lip again while I thought. "So, I should talk to the psychologist willingly…I guess I won't fight Uncle Charlie on that then. I just hate talking to someone about my feelings, especially when I don't know them or trust them. She won't be like I'm talking to you or Les. You know?"

"I know, but she'll build a rapport with you and you'll be able to talk to her," he told me.

Just then the door to the apartment flew open and Les came in with two big brown bags, yelling out, "Honey! I'm home!"

I had to laugh at his playfulness. He walked into what I was assuming was the kitchen and deposited the bags and then came right back over to us.

"Well! You're certainly looking better," he told me with a huge smile on his face. "How're you feeling, Beautiful?"

"Better, thanks," I replied. I pushed myself off of Ranger's lap and got a huge hug from Les.

"Good! Does that mean you're up for food? I got a huge everything-but-anchovies pizza, lasagna, garlic bread, salad, and I even found pineapple upside-down cake for you!" Les rattled off.

"Oooh! Food! I can't remember the last time I ate. That all sounds so good – well, with the exception of the salad. I'll eat everything but that!" I exclaimed.

"Awesome-sauce!" Les yelled as he yanked me into the kitchen.

I laughed, asking, "Awesome-sauce? What the hell is that?"

"I dunno! I picked it up from talking to Lexi on the phone. She says it all the time when she's excited," he told me.

"Oh my God! I haven't talked to her since before Middlebury. God, I'm an awful friend," I moaned.

"Don't worry. I covered for you and told her the General had you crazy busy with little to no access to a phone or email," he told me.

"Thank you so much! I'll call her tomorrow. Maybe I can talk to her and plan a time to visit…." I thought aloud. I definitely needed something fun and positive to look forward to. Les and Carlos exchanged looks.

"You can't go down there soon unless we're with you," Les told me.

"What? Why? I've gone down plenty of times without you guys," I said furrowing my brow.

"Babe."

"Babe what? I don't know what that 'Babe' means!" I growled.

"And that's why," Carlos replied.

"What are you talking about?" I was beyond confused and somewhere between wanting to scream in frustration or burst into tears.

"Your emotions are all over the place. You can't visit Miami without us until you get things sorted out with your psychologist," Carlos replied.

And then I promptly burst into tears. Les made a move to comfort me, but Carlos shook his head and said, "I've got this." He picked me up and sat back down on the couch with me in his arms.

"It'll get easier. I promise you. We'll be here for you. It's just going to take some time to sort everything out," he told me.

"I'm so tired of this," I sniffled into his shoulder.

"I know, Babe. I know." He started murmuring to me in Spanish and rubbing my back.

Once Carlos calmed me down, Les made me a plate of food and put on the movie _Office Space_. Les and the movie made me laugh a lot. They say laughter is the best medicine. They're probably right, but Carlos's cuddles had to have helped just as much.

The guys dropped me off around midnight. I went up to my room and crawled into bed, forgetting to write in my journal, and falling into a deep and dreamless slumber.


	26. Chapter 26

Chpt. 26

After one week of counseling, talking about how life is unfair, and how I'm most definitely going to Hell when I die if there is a god, I didn't notice a difference. Aunt Marjie was at such a loss with me that she made me take a pregnancy test, thinking that had to be the cause of my emotional rollercoaster. Those five minutes might have been the most embarrassing five minutes of my life. I know that might seem bizarre considering my misadventure with Morelli, but here's the thing: When your guardian tells you that she thinks you're pregnant, gives you two pregnancy tests, and a glass to pee in – _in front of her_ because she wants to make sure I take the tests properly – let's just say not much could top that.

After two weeks of counseling, I no longer raged at the slightest thing, and only cried at half the stuff I cried at before, which was a definite improvement. However, I still wasn't myself. I was far from happy and completely sleep deprived due to my nightmares. Aunt Marjie was concerned about my depression and anxiety. So on Wednesday of that week she brought home two kittens for me (And Valerie who refused her kitten. That just meant more kitty-lovin' for me.) because she read that petting animals help alleviate the symptoms of both conditions. The kittens, which I named Slimer and Stay Puft Marshmallow Man (Marshmallow for short), cuddled and slept with me each night, which helped assuage my anxiety to fall asleep.

After three weeks of counseling I finally felt like my emotions were evening out somewhat. Commercials, football games, the phone ringing, etc. no longer made me cry. I'm pretty sure the whole house was relieved that the waterworks subsided. I know I was and Carlos and Les were thrilled considering they were the only ones that could get me to calm down. And things with Mat were…strained at best. He couldn't understand because I couldn't explain since the whole Spain mission was classified. All I told him was that I had some training and things didn't go well, causing a little PTSD. Les tried to talk to Mat, but that actually made things worse. Mat couldn't understand why I could discuss my problems with Les and Carlos and not him.

"_Seriously Steph, tell me what's going on. You're having nightmares and are barely sleeping. Twenty minutes ago you burst into tears when I said, 'Hi.' You've been all over the place since you came home from all your summer stuff," Mat probed. _

_I knew I was a one-girl rollercoaster ride of emotions for my loved ones and myself. Well, with the exception of Valerie, but that was no surprise. _

"_I just had a bad training experience. I can't get into it with you," I replied. _

"_I thought you went to Spain to be engrossed in the culture, the language," he challenged. I couldn't really argue with that statement since that was what I had told him. God, I hated lying. Plus I sucked at it._

_I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and said, "Well, it was kind of a two-pronged trip. The majority of it was so I could be immersed in everything Spain has to offer, but I found out later that Uncle Charlie had arranged for me to get some extra training there."_

"_Seriously? What type of training could you get in Spain that you couldn't get here? And besides, when is he going to let you be you and not some mini-soldier?" His tone was getting heated. _

"_I had to meet up with a group of guys there. They were on their way back from a mission and we did a mini-training exercise," I tried to explain…or rather lie. _

"_So what happened during the training that traumatized you to the point that you barely resemble yourself?" _

"_Mat, I can't tell you," I sighed. _

"_Well, who can you tell?" He retorted; his voice was a combination of frustration, anger, and concern._

"_I have a psychologist. And I could talk to my uncle if I wasn't angry at him, but every I see him I want to hurl the stress ball my shrink gave me at his head. I can also talk to Les and Carlos because they did the training before also."_

"_Seriously? You can talk to __**them**__, but not your boyfriend?" At this point frustration and anger won out and he practically yelled into the phone._

_I started crying, "I wish I could tell you, but I can't. Can't you just be happy I can talk to someone?"_

"_No! I'm supposed to be the one to support you!" At this I started crying harder._

"_I'm sorry," I whimpered. _

"_I can't talk to you right now. I'll just make things worse. I'll call you later when I calm down," he told me. _

I told Les and Carlos about my fight with Mateo later that night when they came to see me. Les promised to call and talk to him, to explain that I wouldn't always be able to tell him everything and that he shouldn't hold that against me. I don't know what was said, but Les said the call went to Hell in a hand basket within five minutes. That was a week ago and I still haven't heard from Mateo since.

I'm not sure what the status of _us_ is. I don't know if he considers us to be fighting and in a relationship, or that we fought and broke up without actually saying the words. Honestly, I am at a loss. What can I say to make things better? I can't tell him the truth, not that the truth would be a good thing. Mat was only on the periphery of the gangbanger world and said he never participated. He wanted to save lives, not take them. And I took them – three to be exact.

I'm now in my fourth week of counseling and I will finally admit that it's been helpful for dealing with my emotions and the people in my life – with the exception of Mat. This is most likely because it's been a week and we _still haven't talked_. As Hannah, my shrink who is incredibly laid-back and informal for the military told me a couple days after _the fight_, "You can't fix what's damaged in a relationship without communication and you can't force someone to talk to you when they don't want to." I totally agree with her, except for the fact that I'm part of the problem since I'm not allowed to truthfully tell him what went down in Spain.

"Frankly Steph, a lot of people in the Special Forces have problems with their personal relationships unless their significant other is also in them. I don't want to blow smoke your way and say things will work out with Mat. He doesn't understand military life, let alone the Special Forces, and you can't tell him you were on a mission to help explain the classified nature to him. That makes it very difficult for him to understand why you can't talk to him," Hannah told me.

That wasn't what I wanted to hear and was close to tears – _again_. "Don't you have some magic wand type idea as to how to fix things with him? If not, then this mission has royally fucked with my life. Not only has it made me a killer and taken away what was left of my childhood, it will have taken away my boyfriend!"

"I'm very sorry you were put in this position," Hannah began. "Do I have a 'magic wand type idea' for you? No. Nothing in life can be fixed that easily, unfortunately. I wish things were that simple. The best I can come up with is for you to somehow relate this to how he grew up being surrounded by his brother's gang. It's very likely he was privy to some things that he can't or isn't willing to tell you because it might put his loved ones at risk. Now obviously you can't tell him part of the reason you agreed to the mission in Spain was because you wanted to help Carlos and Les on their mission. That said, if you can somehow make him understand that you can't discuss this just like he can't discuss those things, maybe you could begin to bridge the gap between you two."

My session with Hannah ended shortly after that and I went home and sat in front of the computer for a good hour before I finally started writing to Mat.

* * *

_**Stephanie Plum**_

_September 26, 2000_

_To: Mateo Sanchez_

_Subject: I miss you_

_Hi,_

_So we haven't talked in over a week now and I'm freaking out. I don't know what this means. Are you still angry with me and just can't talk to me? Did we break up? If so, that's not what I want at all. I want you. Maybe you don't realize that, but I do. I want you. I miss you. I love you. _

_I've been seeing my psychologist now for a month. I like Hannah. She's helped me a lot. I no longer cry at every little thing. People aren't so overwhelming anymore and it's easier for me to talk to everyone now – well, with the exception of you. Because you're not talking to me or writing to me or even acknowledging that I am alive. And that hurts. Even though I can't tell you what happened there, I still need you, your support. _

_Now, this might seem convoluted for a minute or two, but bear with me and please keep reading. Please._

_Haven't you been around things that you can't talk about to anyone outside your brother, his friends, and maybe your family? If you do, you might put them at risk due to their actions and or affiliations? We don't talk about it and I don't bring it up because I know that subject is riddled with landmines. I don't want to put you in a bad position. _

_That's where you're at with the subject of our fight and my inability to tell you things, but the difference is that you're mad at me for it. And I hate it. I hope you understand my analogy and will talk to me again._

_This is very difficult for me and while I'm getting better, I lost so much there. If I lose you because of this…I don't even know how to describe how awful and quite possibly broken I'd feel. _

_I love you and hope to hear from you soon._

_Love always,_

_Steph_

* * *

I put a read receipt on my email and waited. I sat at the computer in the office for a couple of hours before Aunt Marjie made me go study in my room. A couple hours later, after everyone went to bed, I snuck back downstairs to check my email, hoping and praying he read my email and wrote back. I was slightly relieved to see a read receipt in my inbox from an hour ago, but nothing else.

Two days later I still hadn't heard from Mat.

I went up to my bedroom and went to my hiding spot in the back of my closet, grabbing the bottle of tequila that Lula got for me. I stashed it in my backpack, borrowed my aunt's car and drove to the guys' place to wallow.


	27. Chapter 27

AN: Sorry for the delay. Hopefully this chapter is good enough to make up for it. :)

Chpt. 27

By the time I knocked on the guys' door my eyes were red rimmed and bloodshot from crying during the drive. Thankfully my sobs and tears had stopped and now I just stood at their door hiccuping while I waited for one of them to answer. A few seconds later Les opened the door, took one look at me, pulled me into a tight embrace while closing the door.

"What's wrong, Beautiful?" he gently prodded.

"He," hiccup, "still," hiccup, "hasn't," hiccup, "called," hiccup, "or emailed," hiccup, "me back." I finally managed to hiccup my way through a complete sentence.

Les sighed, "Come on. Movies, pizza, and ice cream?"

"I," hiccup, "brought," hiccup, "tequila. Thought it sounded better than pizza and ice cream. It kinda helped in Spain," I said, thankful my hiccups finally subsided partway through.

"Um yeah, there's no way I'm letting you drown your sorrows in shots of tequila. Ice cream and pizza, sure. Unhealthy for you, yes, but tequila on the other hand…tequila is dangerous. It seems to make everyone lose his inhibitions. And no offense, I love you, but I don't want to see you lose your inhibitions and quite possibly your clothes. There are some things you just can't un-see. I get enough of that with Ranger, Tank, and Brown. Besides you're taking anxiety medication right now. Tequila is most definitely a no-go for you right now!" Les ranted, "Where did you even get tequila? Your uncle certainly doesn't keep it in the house."

"Lula," I said. I felt like a child being scolded. I went from upset about my boyfriend to feeling like I was four year old who was in trouble.

"You got alcohol from Lula? And you trust her? She has _no judgment_ and God only knows where she got that bottle and what's actually in it!"

"Hey! She's not _that bad_!" I argued.

Les scoffed, "Didn't she just steal with principal's car and drive it into the school pool?"

"Well, yeah, but she was mad at him. He told her she needed a new wardrobe because she dresses like she is a hooker! I'd be mad, too!"

Les snorted at me. "She _does_ dress like she's a hooker, Steph! The truth hurts sometimes, but that doesn't give her carte blanche to retaliate by stealing his car and taking it for a swim! As I said, she has _no judgment_! I don't trust her to get you un-tampered with alcohol."

"Fine! Then give me a shot of whatever you have!"

"Again, no! You're too young and _you're on anxiety medication right now_!" Les ran his fingers through his hair out of frustration.

"Ugh! You drank and did all sorts of things in high school! Why can't I?" Ok, maybe I deserved to be scolded like a four year old. I sure as hell sounded like one. Les gave me an exasperated look.

"Sit!" he said, pushing me towards the couch. "Choose a movie while I order pizza." I half-heartedly looked through their mini movie library and chose Ghostbusters 2 to switch it up a little. I popped the DVD in and waited for Les to finish up.

While I waited I heard him say, "Bring home ice cream for Steph," and, "Would you rather she drowned her sorrows in ice cream or tequila? Because she brought tequila with her!" At that point I figured he called Carlos, causing me to sigh.

Les came back into the room and flopped down on the couch next to me. "Pizza is ordered and Carlos will come home with ice cream for you. Now let's watch the movie while we wait for the food to arrive so we can stuff our faces!"

Thirty minutes into the movie Les had pulled my feet onto his lap and started massaging them. "So, do you want to tell me exactly what's going on that made you want to start being the poster child for bad decisions?"

"Hmph! I knew you were buttering me up with a foot massage! And I'm not going to be the poster child for bad decisions. Why can't I just be a rule-breaker for one night? It's not like I've done half the shit you and Carlos did while you were teenagers," I replied.

"Ok, first, and I can't stress this enough, you're on anxiety medication and that doesn't mix with alcohol. Second, it's not like you're trying to drink away _normal_ teenage problems. Third, I don't want you to repeat some of the mistakes I made, even if you don't know about them. So if I can keep you from causing yourself problems in the long-run, I will."

"What mistakes did you make?" I was truly curious. It'd be nice to hear about someone else's problems rather than think of my own.

"Let's address what's going on with you. I've dealt with my shit. You're still working on it, though the tequila is a new twist. So let's hear it," he told me. I saw the resolve in his eyes and knew that he wouldn't share with me until we dealt with my demons so to speak. And even then, there was no guarantee he'd tell me.

"I told you already. We still haven't talked," I said looking at the T.V., but not paying attention to the movie whatsoever. It was better than looking in Les' eyes and seeing pity.

"And by 'we' you mean you and Mat?" he probed.

"Yes," I sighed. "I talked to Hannah for a while and she gave me an idea so I emailed him. I really thought it was going to work, but it's been two days and nothing. Absolutely nothing! I got a read receipt back so I know he read my email; he still hasn't called or emailed me back."

"Shit," Les groaned. "That sucks. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, it really does. I tried to compare my not being able to talk to him to his not being able to talk about things he saw with his brother being in the gang. I guess the comparison didn't translate well enough." I looked up at the ceiling, trying to stop the tears that had pooled in my eyes from falling.

Les was silent for a minute before he spoke. "No, the comparison works. It makes a lot of sense really."

"So why is he not talking to me then?" I was really close to sobbing again, but kept it to just a few tears running down my cheeks.

"I don't know, Beautiful. I really don't. It makes me think there is something more going on," he replied.

"Do you think he considers us to be broken up?" I whispered.

"I wish I could tell you," he said. He pulled me into a sitting position and wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I rested my head on his shoulder. A few minutes later our silence was broken by a knock at the apartment door.

"The pizza must be here! Time to eat!" Les exclaimed yanking on my arm to pull me from the couch. He seemed way too excited about pizza, making me think that he wanted a break from our conversation. Can't say that I'd blame him if he did. I didn't even know what he could say to me that would make me feel better.

We munched on slices of pizza straight from the box and watched Ghostbusters 2 until Carlos came home with a bag of Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

"Babe," he said, greeting me with a kiss to the forehead. He gave me the pint of Cherry Garcia and started walking towards the kitchen. "Just give me a second to grab you a spoon." A moment later, he returned and handed me a spoon. While I ate my ice cream Carlos slouched in the recliner, his legs stretched out, and observed me for what felt like an hour.

"Want to talk about it?" he finally asked.

I gave him a look that sarcastically asked, "What do you think?" We sat in silence, Les and Carlos both watching me while I wallowed in my ice cream. After a little while they looked at each other, likely doing their freaky, silent communication thing. Once they finished, Carlos turned to me and started talking. "I'm off tomorrow. How about I drive you up to Atlanta so you can see Mateo. He can't ignore you if you are there in person. We'll force the conversation that he seems to be avoiding."

I thought about it, but remained silent. The idea terrified me.

"Babe, you might not like what he has to say, but at least you'll no longer be living in this state of limbo." And that was what scared me. I wanted to know if Mat and I were still together, but as long as I didn't know, didn't force him to talk to me, I had hope. Hope that he would love me unconditionally, hope that we were still together, and hope that he would remain in my life.

Finally I mumbled, "What if I don't want to know?"

"Beautiful, sometimes not knowing is worse. While it might not seem like it right now, finding out sooner rather than later is probably best for you. You guys can talk and decide if you are going to move forward together or apart."

"But if we…well, more like he decides to move forward without me…. I won't have hope then. Right now I can still fantasize that things are okay…."

"Fantasizing isn't living," Carlos said to me, his eyes were soft and the tone of his voice sweet. At that I started chewing on my bottom lip. He noticed and got up from his recliner, kneeling in front of me. He gently pulled my lip from between my teeth. "I know facing this is scaring you, but really, this is going to be better for you. It might suck at first, but putting off this conversation will hurt you more than if you address it now."

"You think he's going to break up with me, too, huh?" I looked down at my hands.

"It'll be ok, Babe. You have Les and me."

I gave them a sad smile and replied, "Yeah, I do…. What time should we leave tomorrow?"

"I was thinking about that. If we actually leave now, we can grab a couple hotel rooms and then catch him before he goes to class. That way we aren't trying to find him all day. The sooner you talk, the sooner you move on," Carlos told me.

"Yeah…. Let me just go home and pack some things quickly. Meet me home in an hour?"

"Okay. See you in a bit," he told me. And with that I left to pack my things and face the likelihood that in less than twelve hours I'd have an officially broken heart.


	28. Chapter 28

Chpt. 28

It was 0645 and Carlos and I sat in his SUV, staring at Mat's apartment building. Well, I sat there staring. Carlos was watching me while remaining crazy aware of our surroundings. It probably a good thing for me since I was so distracted.

"You know you have to get out of the car to go talk to him," he told me while glancing in the rearview mirror.

"Yeah, 'bout that…I think this might be a really bad idea. Why don't we go get breakfast and head back home?" I asked. Carlos just looked at me out of the corner of his eye. I sighed. I was being a complete chicken. We both knew it. At least he didn't verbally call me on it. We sat in silence for another fifteen minutes before he lost his patience.

"Alright. Get out of the car," Carlos ordered while exiting the car. He walked around and opened my door, gently pulling me out. Nudging me he said, "Walk."

"Um, what are you doing?" My voice was tentative.

"Making you face one of your demons. Now walk and show me where his apartment is so I can pick the lock." I still sucked at picking locks. I hadn't improved at all since I was in Spain.

"Seriously? Breaking and entering is _not_ going to help this conversation!"

"Neither is sitting in my car, staring at his apartment building, wishing for rainbows with pots of gold and leprechauns at the end of them." He continued to walk, practically dragging me into the building. I sighed. There was really nothing I could say to that. Wishing that Mat wanted to keep dating me was like wishing for rainbows with pots of gold and leprechauns. The proverbial writing was on the wall.

"Fine," I mumbled, finally walking of my volition. "He's in 3E." When we got to Mat's apartment I just stood and stared even after Carlos finished picking their locks.

"You need to go in there. The sooner you go in, the sooner this is over, the sooner you can move on," he told me.

"But I don't want to move on," I sighed.

"Babe."

"Where will you be?" I leaned against the wall, looking down at the carpet.

"I'm going to remain in the hall. I keep watch by looking out the windows on both ends of the hallway." I mentally rolled my eyes at him, but knew it was pointless to state that nothing was going to happen here, especially at 0700. College students, who of course didn't believe in willingly getting up before noon, primarily inhabited these apartment buildings.

Steeling myself, I quietly opened the door and poked my head inside the apartment. Absolute silence greeted me. Taking a deep breath I closed the door quietly and then headed towards Mat's room. I wanted to turn around and run far away, but I knew Carlos wouldn't let me. It was now or never. Opening the bedroom door I looked around. It was an absolute disaster, which was strange considering Mat was always a neat freak. I studied his face in the morning light. Even sleeping he looked exhausted with dark circles under his eyes marring his handsome face. Sighing, I pulled out his desk chair and sat down a couple feet away from the bed. I leaned over and shook him gently.

"Mat, wake up." He stirred, but didn't open his eyes. I sighed again. I just wanted to get it over and done with. I shook him harder.

"Seriously Mat, wake up," I said louder. His eyes opened and he looked at me, smiling at first.

"Mmmm, this is a good dream. I miss you so much, Steph," he mumbled as he turned his head into the pillow.

What the hell? He missed me? Then why was he ignoring me?

"This isn't a dream," I said, this time nudging his shoulder with my foot. "Can you just get up? Please."

His eyes opened again. He looked a lot more coherent and shocked to see me. He muttered, "Shit."

"Really? That's the only thing you have to say to me? _'Shit.'_ Thanks so much for that lovely greeting."

"What are you doing here, Steph?" he finally asked, sitting up.

"Well, last I knew we were still dating even though you yelled at me on the phone. You said you'd talk to me after you cooled down, but you never called. You didn't answer the phone when I called, nor did you even respond to my emails. So I think the real question isn't 'why am I here?'. No, it's: _**Why aren't you talking to me?**_ If you want to break up with me, sack up." This conversation wasn't starting out well, not that I thought it would. A girl could wish though.

Mat sighed and looked at me with sad eyes. "It's not that I want to break up with you. You just won't want to be with me anymore after we talk."

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"I fucked up Steph." He wouldn't make eye contact with me. Instead he rested his elbows on his knees and stared at his carpet.

My stomach plummeted. My voice was tremulous. "We can work through anything…right?"

"Probably not."

"Mat, just tell me. Please. We can figure this out." My voice was pleading, but I worried that we couldn't fix whatever our problem was. Mat still stared at the floor. The lack of eye contact was killing me.

"After our fight I went to a party that night and got really wasted. I was really upset with you and I just didn't want to think or feel anymore. I barely remember the night, but I remember the morning all too well. I woke up in bed with another girl…."

I didn't want to believe what he was saying. "That doesn't mean you had sex though. You could've just slept together." I was grasping at straws.

"I'm pretty sure I had sex with her…." And with those eight little words, I went into shock.

"I, uh…I was avoiding you because I didn't want to lie to you, nor did I want tell you. I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want you to hate me. I know I fucked up, Steph, and I'm so, so sorry." He finally made eye contact when he apologized. I just stared at him. "If I could take everything back…if I could go back to that night, I'd do everything differently. I swear."

"That makes two of us…." I was beginning to get over my shock. I realized I needed to get out of his apartment before I let my beginning-to-surface anger get the best of me. "I gotta get out of here."

As I was walking out of his room, Mat called out, "I'm sorry, Steph. I love you." With that I broke. Turning on my heel, I glared at him.

"You _love_ me? Really! Love means you are there for a person when they need you. Love doesn't mean you go get wasted and fuck some random girl after a fight! _I hate you! I hate you!_" I screamed, causing Carlos to come running into the apartment. He gave Mat a withering glare and wrapped an arm around me.

"It's time to go, Babe," he murmured into the top of my hair. He guided me out of the building and to his SUV. At some point in the short walk to his I started sobbing. Carlos helped me into his car, buckled my seat belt, and closed the door. I curled into a ball and cried until I fell asleep.

_September 29, 2000_

_Songs of the day: "Til I Hear It From You" and "Found Out About You" by the Gin Blossoms_

_So we're over. It didn't go down like I thought it would. I thought Mat would say I changed too much. Or maybe he was angry and jealous that I could talk to Les and Carlos and not him – that his jealousy got the best of him. I didn't see it coming. _

_He got drunk and cheated on me._

_I can't believe it. I didn't think he would do something like that. He always believed in honesty and being respectful of loved ones. I guess I was wrong considering it's not respectful to cheat on the one you love. Loved. I guess maybe it is in the past tense for him? I wish I didn't love him still. I hate him, but I still love him. How can you love someone who betrays you like that? _

_Does anyone love me? Does anyone respect me? Mateo betrayed my trust and love. Uncle Charlie…he threw me under the bus. Make that a frigging Sherman tank._

_At least Carlos and Les love me. Not romantically or anything, but still, I think they love me. It's better than nothing. Plus, I don't think they'll betray me. Of course, I didn't think Mat or Uncle Charlie would either. _

_God, my life sucks. I just want to go to sleep, wake up, and find out it was just a nightmare. I guess that's like wishing for rainbows…. _


	29. Chapter 29

Chpt. 29

The following morning Carlos awakened me at 0500 by pulling off my covers. Thank God I was wearing my Wonder Woman cami and boy shorts set. Unfortunately, that really didn't cover much, but considering I slept nude half the time, it could have been worse.

"What the hell is your problem?" I whined. He shoved a jumbo-sized mug of coffee into my hands.

"Drink up and change into some actual clothes. We're going running in fifteen." With that he turned on his heel and closed my bedroom door, likely heading down to the kitchen. At least he brought me coffee, the caffeinated nectar of the gods. Even though I'm not a morning person, I was somewhat used to being awakened at ungodly hours to run five to ten miles with either Carlos or Les, or sometimes both of them. Ever since I got back from Spain, they had been making me run with them about four times a week. Endorphins and running-induced exhaustion were a part of their version of "therapy".

After drinking half of the coffee, I got up and started pulling open drawers, looking for a t-shirt, sports bra, and running shorts. Considering I was still half-asleep, it was amazing when I found them neatly folded in the laundry basket sitting next to my dresser five minutes later.

I trudged down the stairs into the kitchen while braiding my truly terrifying hair. (It was so scary that Valerie had started calling my morning hair "Medusa's hair." I totally felt the _sisterly_ _love _every time she said it_._) With five minutes to spare, I poured myself another cup of coffee.

"Babe." I was too tired to try to decipher his meaning.

"What?"

"Babe."

"Seriously? It's 0510. I am too tired and brain dead to decipher what that 'Babe' meant. Just tell me." The caffeine hadn't kicked in and combined with the lingering headache I had from yesterday's relationship implosion and subsequent cry fest, I was feeling downright bitchy.

"You're going to have to take a piss halfway through our run if you keep downing coffee like that."

"You realize I'm a girl, right?" I sighed. "We don't 'take a piss'."

"Babe."

"Fine. I'm going to go pee right now before. Does that make you happy?" I just couldn't turn off my bitchy attitude and tone of voice.

"What will make me happy is that I won't have to listen to you whine about how you have to pee for five minutes only to have you then drag me into the trees. Standing in front of you to block potential a potential creep's view of you while you take a piss a _great_ way to start my morning. Also, you need to learn what poison ivy looks like so that I don't have to find you 'safe' leaves that you can use to clean yourself up."

"It's not my fault I don't know what poison ivy looks like."

"Babe, I've shown you five times. I'd have thought you'd pay attention considering getting vaginal poison ivy would be miserable."

"How would you know that?"

"I have sisters. We went camping with my dad as kids because it was a cheap vacation. Celia ended up in the hospital for a week while she dried out. I love you and all, but I refuse to visit you in the hospital for that – especially when I've shown you what poison ivy looks like."

"You're mean."

"No, being mean would be me _not _teaching you so that you'd then end up miserable. Now go to the bathroom so that we can get going. It's already 0520. And I have a 0630 meeting with the General."

I left the kitchen without comment and used the bathroom. I didn't like Carlos having to listen to me pee in the woods anymore than he did, but it's not like it's my fault I have a small bladder! After not even two minutes, Carlos knocked on the door to move me along. Thankfully, I was washing my hands already.

Carlos practically dragged me out of the house and started jogging. I was happy that he was starting at a slow pace for me. I knew from experience that he was already warmed up and ready to run at a fast pace. After jogging for five minutes we started running. It was obvious he was going easy on me this morning. The pace he set was slow for him and a medium pace for me. He shocked me when he started talking. We normally ran in silence.

"How are you doing today?" he asked me.

"Um, you know…fine. I have a bit of a crying hangover, but it's nothing I can't deal with."

"Babe." That one clearly told me to cut the shit and tell him the truth. Man had a freaking super power of expressing himself with only one word.

"Do you really want to know?" He just looked at me out of the corner of his eye. "I'm a mess. I want to cry, break things, go into denial and forget that he cheated on me…. I guess I'm relieved, too. The uncertainty of where we stood was stressing me out and I kind of have a heaping pile of shit on my plate right now from everything else. I feel like a tiny portion of that is gone now that I know where I stand. Does that make sense?"

"Yes."

"Does it get easier?" I had to ask because I didn't know how long I could feel this way and continue on functioning.

"Which part of the plate full of shit are we talking about?" Right, he didn't know if I was asking about killing people in cold blood or being heartbroken.

""You know, the stuff from yesterday."

"I think so, though I can't say I've ever had a relationship that lasted that long. I don't think I've ever been in love before. Ask Les."

"Les has been in love?" I asked. Of the two of them, he seemed like he would be the one that was more likely to have one night stands due to his flirtatious, friendly nature. Carlos was quiet and serious. You would think that his personality would lend itself more to serious relationships rather than random hook-ups.

"That's his story to tell, but I know he can help you more in this area than me."

"How come you've never been in love? I know you date. Women throw themselves at you. It's not like you have to work at it." Focusing on his love life, or lack thereof, seemed better than talking about mine…well, more like my broken heart. My chest actually hurt from Mat's betrayal. I spent last night hugging myself while I sobbed, trying to make the ache go away.

"One night stands don't lead to love."

Even though Mat's cheating made me feel like I had been kicked while I was already down, the thought of Carlos having a girlfriend made me nauseated. I felt that a good friend would put their friend's happiness ahead of their own, so I asked, "Why don't you date some of them?"

"I'm not at a point in my life that lends itself to having an exclusive, serious relationship. Besides, none of them would understand me. I've only met one person that could, and neither of us are close to where we need to be in life for a relationship to work."

I felt the pit in my stomach grow larger. I just lost Mat. Now I had to worry about losing Carlos to another woman. I didn't comment which was unusual for me and garnered me a look from my running partner.

After a few more minutes of running in silence I decided to change the topic. "So, I decided last night, well more like early this morning since I didn't really sleep, that I'm going to set up a bunch of appointments to visit different colleges."

"What made you decide this last night?"

"Well, there's no reason to go to Emory anymore and I think I need a little space…from Mat…and my uncle."

"It would probably be good for you to get some distance from them." I noted that he didn't tell me how he felt about the possible physical distance between us.

"You think so? I want to get away, but…I'll miss you guys and Aunt Marjie. And what if I can't handle the distance? I won't have any support. At least here, I have you guys, you know when you're not on a mission…." It took all my self-control to stop babbling.

"First, look for schools that have programs that interest you and would be beneficial. Then you can always decide based on scholarships, distance from home, if you would have any established friends there that could support you there. Everything is manageable, Steph."

"You think?" My anxiety about getting out of Georgia skyrocketed last night after I decided that I needed to go away to college, but at the same time, I felt like leaving here was the right decision.

"Yes. You're stronger than you realize."

"Yeah, so you and Les say," I sighed. I looked up from the trail we were running on and realized we were only a mile from home.

"You are. One day you'll believe me." We ran in silence for a few more minutes while I tried to convince myself that I was as strong as Carlos said. If he believed in me, I should believe in me, too.

"Do you think going away for school is a good idea? I mean for reasons other than the fact that I need some distance."

"I think you focusing on school, deciding where you want to go to college is healthy. I think deciding where to go based on academic programs is a much better idea than following a guy, but I don't think you should go away to college just so you can run away from your problems. I think everyone should leave home for a period of time. You learn a lot about yourself when you live away from your immediate family. You discover who you truly are, so the answer is yes. I think you should go away to college, make new friends, live life like a normal college kid, get away from the military and everything that comes with it."

We reached my house just as Carlos finished.

"Thank you. You always know what to say to me." I rested my hands on his forearms, stood up on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek. "I'd be lost without you…and Les. I hope you realize that. I'll see you later?"

"Yeah, Les and I are having dinner here tonight."

I smiled at the thought of dinner with Carlos and Les. Besides the fact that I loved being around them, there was the added bonus that their presence would piss off Valerie. I started walking up the porch steps so I could go get ready for school. "Can't wait! Thanks again, Carlos."

"Babe." And with that he took off towards his apartment while I entered the house to get ready for school, happy to have something to look forward to tonight.


	30. Chapter 30

Chpt. 30

I couldn't believe I was graduating from high school later today. When I first got back from Spain time seemed to drag on forever. Hours felt like days. Days felt like weeks. Weeks felt like years. Thankfully counseling helped a great deal with my emotional turmoil. I spent so much time talking to Hannah this year that if you had asked me how I spent the majority of my "free" time during my senior year, I'd admit to you that I spent it in counseling. (Well, only if I considered you to be a true friend.)

I spent the rest of my senior year of high school running in the mornings with Carlos and Les, avoiding my uncle, ignoring Mat's emails begging for forgiveness and friendship, having lots of first dates with guys I always ended up feeling nothing for by the end of the night, and observing Lula wearing a different piece of brightly colored spandex everyday. With the exception of Lula popping out of her too-small-for-her spandex top in gym class once, the school year was pretty dull, which was for the best. (Though I definitely could have happily lived the rest of my life without seeing Lula's boob.) The past summer was so eventful that I needed a calm and boring school year.

Once Carlos, Les, and Uncle Charlie felt like I was "stable" they all agreed that it was time for Carlos and Les to go on missions again. With the exception of my two pillars of support, Uncle Charlie wouldn't let anyone reject missions because that was insubordination. Les told me that my uncle felt guilty about what I had to do and wanted them around as much as I needed so I could "recover". I guess that was proof that my uncle cared about my wellbeing – at least a little bit.

Aunt Marjie and I toured lots of colleges throughout the fall so I could figure out where I wanted to go to school. After a lot of debate, I decided to go to the University of Miami. I wanted to go away to school, but after this past summer, I needed a place I was comfortable and had a support system in place. Abuela Rosa was excited because I planned to live at her house for my freshman year. I was excited that I wouldn't have to share a bathroom with a floor full of girls I didn't know.

I was also excited that Lexi was planning on going there also. She planned to live at home with her family to help save money, but we were hoping we could get an apartment our sophomore year. Technically, I could afford to live on my own this coming school year due to my large stipend from Uncle Sam, but for obvious reasons I chose to live with Abuela.

I decided to sign the contract that the U. S. government would pay for college, and I'd work for them for five years post graduation at whatever agency I wanted and I would _not_ have to go out in the field again. I figured since I already sold my soul in Spain I might as well get Uncle Sam to pay for my schooling, especially since my contract _let me choose_ what I would end up doing. Not having to go out into the field again was a huge weight off my shoulders. Tentatively, I was planning my academic career so I could be an analyst for the C.I.A.

I was actually excited about college and what I would be studying – likely because I got to choose my majors. I decided on International Studies, Spanish, Portugese, and minors in Arabic Studies and Latin American Studies. Aunt Marjie thought I was insane to choose so many majors and minors until I showed her how each of my classes would count for the requirements for at least two of my programs. Plus, I was going to be able to finish my Arabic Studies minor by the end of my freshman year since they accepted all of my credits from Middlebury.

"Stephanie! Get your butt down here! If we don't leave in five minutes, you're going to be late for your own graduation!" Aunt Marjie yelled at me from downstairs.

"Coming!" I called back. I grabbed my shoes, cap, and gown and took off down the stairs.

"You can put your cap and gown on once we get to the school. I can't believe you're graduating already! It was only four years ago…." She continued to babble about how I grew up so quickly and asked where the time went. She sounded like a true parent, not a relative that was forced to take on her nieces. Out of the nightmare that had been my childhood – having an unloving mother, then losing my parents, and being trained to be an assassin extraordinaire – my aunt was the absolute best part of my life. Don't get me wrong, Carlos and Les were great and definite blessings in my life, but I would have lost my mind long before I even met them if it weren't for my saint of an aunt.

At the main doors of the school my aunt, uncle, and Val dropped me off before driving off in search of a parking spot. I followed the rest of my classmates into the gym so I could find my place in line and then wait to be led out to our seats.

"Hey! There's my white girl! Hey you, you skinny ass, pasty, blue-eyed beauty!" I heard Lula yell out. While I fully admitted that I would miss her when I went down to go to school in Florida, I wouldn't miss her yelling out crazy, and often times embarrassing greetings.

"Hey, Lula! How are you doing?"

"Oh, girl! Can you believe we're already graduating? I mean, seriously! It feels like jus' yesterday I was rescuing yo' ass from being friendless on the first day of high school." I mentally sighed, smiled, and decided to just go along with it. Sometimes the path of least resistance is the way to go.

"Nah, I can't! I finally get to blow this popsicle stand! What about you? I never heard where you decided to officially go. You changed you mind so many times..." Lula knew all about me going to Miami, but I was truly clueless about where she was going to end up. She talked about Douglas College up in New Jersey. She said she had some cousins who went there, but I knew that was the college she was _least_ interested in. She almost mentioned that she applied to Spelman, Howard, Tuskegee, and Florida A &amp; M universities. She was mainly interested in a historically black university because she wanted to find herself a "smart, handsome, well-endowed brotha" to marry – her words, not mine.

"Oooh, girl! I chose Spelman College. I know it's all women, but they do these mixers with those sexy Morehouse beefcakes! I wanna marry me one of those and I won't get one without goin' to Spelman!"

Now I could rest easy that she made a _rational, well thought out decision_ as to where she should go to school. Sigh.

At that moment, the assistant principal's clapping and yelling at us to line up broke into my train of thought. I found my place within the first twenty-five students to walk out to our seats. Surprisingly, I was graduating in the top ten percent of my class. My aunt was actually upset when I told her my placement. Apparently through the end of my junior year I was on track to graduate as the salutatorian. I just hadn't been aware because I never cared. I studied hard and got good grades so I could see Mat without interference from my parental figures. Considering I didn't care about my grades for the entirety of my senior year and coasted by with B's and the occasional A-, I was pretty happy with my class standing.

We all walked in a single-file line to our seats. First the principal spoke about how proud he was of the class of 2001, speaking about our wonderful accomplishments such as full-rides to Yale, Harvard, Miami (I was surprised he knew about it since I didn't tell my guidance counselor where I was going or that I had a "scholarship".), West Point, the Citadel, and VMI. He also spoke about how our valedictorian won the top award at the National Science Fair and how I earned almost all of the requirements for a degree in Arabic from Middlebury, the top language school in the U.S., while still in high school. I was incredibly thankful that he didn't give our names with our individual accomplishments. I know some people love the attention, but I just find it embarrassing.

Then my uncle got up and spoke about how Fort Benning had never seen such a promising class of high school graduates and that he hopes that one day some of us might return to Fort Benning again to train to be Rangers. Mentally, I snorted at that. God knows that I'd never willingly return here to train. That said, I'm sure our valedictorian who was going to West Point would definitely consider it.

Thankfully, my uncle's speech was relatively short. Julian, our salutatorian, then got up to speak to our class.

"Today we say good-bye to our childhood – our families and friends that we have known for most of our lives. As scary as it might seem, I know we have the strength to go out in the world and thrive. We are military brats and we say that with pride. We know how to make friends quickly, move at the drop of a hat, adapt and learn new languages quickly, say good-bye to loved ones, and have the strength to continue living our lives, not knowing if our loved ones will return. We are stronger than most 'regular' graduating seniors.

"Now is our time to make the decisions that will shape our lives and those of our future families. We can choose to go to a regular university, continue in our parents' footsteps and join the military, or hopefully find a job that we find fulfilling. It is time for us to forge our own path and make something of ourselves.

"When I look at the faces of my classmates I see a girl whose paintings will make it into some of the finest art museums of the world. I see a friend who will likely end up in the military brass and will lead our troops. I see another friend that picks up languages with such ease that she will likely end up as an interpreter for the United Nations. I plan on making a difference as a House Representative, then Senator, and then first black President of the United States. We can do whatever we want as long as we set our goals and show the dedication that our families, our schools, and the military has taught us.

"To the class of 2001, I will miss seeing y'all on a daily basis, but it is now time to go out and nurture our talents so that we can one day share them with the world. I can't wait to see what we all accomplish!"

Although the speech was good…ok, it _really_ wasn't. It was average at best (He'll have to work on that if he plans on being _the President of the United States_.) and at the worst, overly portentous, but Julian did remind me of one thing. My time with my aunt and uncle had proven time and again that I was stronger, more adaptable, and resilient than I gave myself credit for.

The principal then called us up to the stage to hand us our diplomas. Unfortunately, instead of calling my name, he passed the microphone to my uncle who called my name.

"Stephanie Plum!" My uncle's voice boomed and he smiled his brilliant, proud smile at me. He was so happy and inside I was freaking out. I knew had to pretend to be happy and love my uncle. Recently, I had just gotten to the point of tolerating a spending an hour and conversing with him. Hugging him – in public – and smiling was testing my acting skills.

I reached the spot on stage where my uncle stood, holding my diploma, and gave him my best, happiest smile, praying that it looked real to everyone in the audience. Uncle Charlie hugged me tightly and whispered in my ear, "I'm so very, very honored to give you your diploma, Steph. You've amazed me each and everyday since you came to live with us. You've grown into such an amazing young woman. Your dad would be so proud. I wish he could be here to see you. I think I've taken too much time up here. Your principal is giving me a look. Go take a seat with the rest of your class."

With that I went and sat down with the rest of my classmates, smiling and clapping as they got they got their diplomas.

The principal began speaking again. "Now, may I ask y'all to move your tassel from the right to the left side, you've officially graduated. Congratulations class of 2001!"

I heard Lula behind me yell out, "We've made it bitches!" My classmates and I burst into cheers and laughter as we threw our caps in the air. We were finally done with high school. Thank God!


	31. Chapter 31

Chpt. 31

I spent the rest of the summer being a normal high school graduate. I got a summer job – my first since I was always at Middlebury during my summers. I worked behind the counter of Peach Blossom Bakery which made the best donuts near the base. I had to start running daily so that I'd still be able to fit in my jeans by the end of summer. I laid by the city pool and worked on my tan since there wasn't a beach nearby. I even went to parties with Lula if I was feeling sociable.

We hung out when our work schedules were compatible, but I'm kind of ashamed to say that I was somewhat relieved that I wasn't able to get together with Lula more often. If I had to hear anymore about the Morehouse "beefcakes," I might have put in earplugs discreetly and murmured "uh-huh" and "mmhmm" at regular intervals. She doesn't even care about the actual responses of the person she is "talking to". It's more like verbal diarrhea is her way of sorting her thoughts. As much as I love Lula and know that she is a loyal friend, when she gets on a roll talking about men she is unstoppable until she finally runs out of steam. And that can take hours.

Valerie even tried to hang out with me, but her first attempt at asking me didn't go so well. Aunt Marjie thought that Val realized she wanted to have some sort of sisterly relationship once it hit her that I was leaving for college and wasn't going to live with her again. Maybe the perceived future distance made her heart grow semi-fond of me?

"_Hey Steph?" Valerie called tentatively through my closed door. Talk about strange. Maybe hell froze over, I thought as I watched Marshmallow attack her catnip red pepper toy. Slimer was passed out on my pillow._

"_Yeah?" I responded. It's not like I could pretend I wasn't in my room considering she saw me go in after my post-run shower an hour ago. The polite thing would be to open the door and talk face-to-face, but I wasn't feeling all that polite after watching her be an absolute bitch to Carlos and Les at dinner the night before._

"_I was wondering if you wanted to go hang out at the city pool with me today. I was planning on going at ten o'clock." Um…what? Where the hell did this come from? I actually got off the bed to open the door and talk to her._

"_Since when do you want to spend time with me?" I asked with narrowing eyes. Good Stephanie was telling me I should take this as a peace offering. Bad Stephanie was telling me to tell her to fuck off. I decided to split the middle, ask questions and be critical of her response._

"_Well…uh…see…" She seemed to be a loss for words for a minute. She finally responded, "I thought it'd be nice if we got to hang out before you go to college." _

"_Why do you care? You haven't wanted to spend time with me since we were kids." Ok, Bad Steph was taking over a little bit. Val hadn't wanted to spend time with me since __**the car accident**__. At least I didn't actually say __**that**__._

_Valerie looked down at her feet, her shoulders sagged. Maybe I was being too hard on her, but she had been downright awful to me since our parents' deaths. I was pretty sure she blamed me for the car accident, not that she had come out and directly said anything to me. And part of me understood why she might feel that way. _

_Our parents were picking me up from a sleepover because I freaked out when Mary Lou made me watch Raiders of the Lost Ark. I couldn't fall asleep because I'd always been terrified of snakes and there were __**a lot**__ of snakes in that movie. I called my parents crying that night, convinced that snakes would end up crawling all over Mary Lou and I while we slept. They came together to pick me up and on the way home a drunk driver hit us, flipping the car over, killing them, leaving me alive and physically unscathed. Psychologically was a totally different story._

"_I just thought it might be nice…you know to hang out like normal sisters," she finally mumbled and looked me in the eye._

"_But you hate me."_

"_I don't hate you." _

"_Fine. You __**blame**__ me." _

_And then there were crickets. Suddenly Valerie became interested in the beige carpeting. _

_Bad Stephanie took complete control. It was almost like an out of body experience. Normal Stephanie didn't want to be this mean, but I couldn't stop the words from falling out of my mouth. "You blame me and have made it known for years. You have been mean and spiteful to me ever since Mom and Dad died. You think I don't realize that you look at me and blame me every day? I see it in your eyes. And then because Mom isn't here you voice all the critical things you think she would say about me._

"_You want to know why I was happy to spend my summers in Middlebury? It was because I got away from you and how awful you've been towards me! I can't even be comfortable at home because you are always around, glaring at me._

"_You want to know why I am so close to Carlos and Les? To Lula and Lexie? It's because they love me for me! They don't look at me with blame and anger. They accept and support me. They are more like family to me than you have been for years!" _

"_Um, yeah…I can see why you might say that." Valerie's voice was so quiet that I almost didn't hear her. "I don't hate you and I don't __**blame**__ you, but it's hard to look at you and not question why God let you live and took them away from me. Things would be different if they were still alive. They'd be better. It's hard not to be angry about that."_

"_Well, sorry. I can't bring them back, but I'm not sorry about surviving and making you question God. And maybe you shouldn't take out your anger with God on me!"_

"_Yeah…you're probably right," Val responded, still staring at the carpet. _

"_Look, I just can't be with you right now." I promptly closed the door in her face and turned to throw myself on my bed and cry. _

_I barely heard her say, "I'm sorry, Steph."_

_Later that afternoon Aunt Marjie came to talk to me. I should've seen that coming, but I was dealing with my emotional hangover from saying all my feelings towards Valerie that I'd repressed. _

"_Steph? Can we talk?" she asked, poking her head into my bedroom, where I lay on my bed in my thinking position. Like I had a choice…._

"_Yeah? What's up?" _

"_I think you hurt Valerie's feelings this morning. She wanted to spend time with you. Why look a gift horse in the mouth?" She came and sat next to me on my bed._

_Did she really just ask me that? Apparently I should just overlook being treated like crap by my sister day in and day out. _

"_Why should I jump for joy that she actually wanted to spend time with me for the first time in years? Am I just supposed to kiss her feet now that she decided to grace me with her presence?"_

"_No, but you could have spent time with her and nicely told her how she has hurt you over years."_

"_I'm pretty sure there is no __**nice**__ way to tell her how shitty she has made me feel for __**years**__." _

_My aunt just sighed and looked at me. "You know that you're not the only one in this house that lost loved ones, right?" _

_I sat up and glared at her._

"_What I'm trying to say is that we all mourn differently. You didn't take your feelings out on others. You internalized everything causing you to suffer terrible nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, and panic attacks." _

"_You're not telling me anything new. I've spent plenty of time in therapy over the years, including the past nine months talking to Dr. Hannah multiple times a week."_

"_I know and I think all the therapy, the forced talking, helped you. Valerie took her mourning and anger out on everyone around her. She's an incredibly angry and sad young lady. I'm pretty sure we should have put her in counseling after your parents died, but we didn't think it was necessary. She didn't suffer the trauma of actually being in the car like you did…but hindsight is always twenty-twenty." _

"_So she's angry. What's your point?" My voice was forceful; a tone I never take with my saintly aunt. _

"_My point is that you have to cut her some slack. She is hurting, probably a lot more than you at this point. You mourned years ago and moved past the loss. I don't think she did. And she was actually trying to mend fences with you. I think that might be the first step for her to move forward with her life."_

"_Maybe the damage to our relationship, our sisterhood if you can even call it that, is irreparable." _

"_Nothing is beyond repair, Steph. I know that she has hurt you deeply over the years. I'm not downplaying her poor treatment of you, but sometimes it hurts more to hold onto your anger and wounded feelings than it does to let go and forgive. Just think about it," Aunt Marjie said, standing up from her seated position on my bed._

"_Why now?" I asked my aunt as she walking towards my door._

"_Why now what?" _

"_Why is she trying to spend time with me now?"_

"_Maybe she realizes you are leaving at the end of August and you'll never live together again. Maybe she realizes that this is the last real chance that you'll both have the time to get to know each other as adults."_

_I skeptically looked at my aunt._

"_Whatever her reasons, you should give her a chance. Maybe she'll surprise you and you'll like spending time with her."_

_I snorted. "Fat chance."_

"_Keep an open mind and think about forgiving her. Carrying around all that baggage will get tiring after a while." _

_Maybe it already is, I thought. And I wasn't just thinking about Valerie. Last night Les and Carlos told me I needed to forgive my uncle. _

"_Forgiving doesn't mean that you forget what the person did to you," Les told me._

_Carlos picked up Les' train of thought. "It just means that you decide to move past all of the negative emotions. Stop fighting the past." _

"_And that's not a bad thing, Beautiful. Letting go of the negative crap is hard; change is never easy, but you're at the point in your life where it is all about change. Why not move forward and enjoy life? You can't do that if you keep stewing. The General is trying to make amends in his own way. You might not realize it because I'm sure he doesn't say, 'I'm sorry,' but pay attention to his actions. We spent most of the year here and not on missions. That is the biggest apology he can give you." _

"_Babe, you should listen to Les. He might not say it as nice as Socrates, but he knows what he is talking about."_

_Carlos and Les knew Socrates? Color me intrigued._

"_What did Socrates actually say? And since when do you read early philosophers?" I had to ask._

"_He said, 'The secret to change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.' And I can't tell you when I started reading his stuff. Let's just say I was stuck in a place with a bunch of ancient books for a while. Beyond that, it's classified." _

"_I'll think about it," I said, laying down on the chaise on the porch. _

"_We just want you to be happy, Steph." I sighed. They really did mean well – even if they did tag team me._

After those 48 hours of emotional hell, I decided I needed to follow Carlos, Les, and my aunt's advice. I spent the rest of my summer actively trying to repair my relationship with Uncle Charlie. I had missed doing things together. So I started running again with him on the mornings I didn't run with the guys. Slowly we became comfortable talking to each other again to the point that we discussed my academic plans and my current goal to be a CIA analyst. He thought that was a great idea and was very supportive, going over my first semester classes and the academic catalogue to mark classes that would help me reach my goal.

Comparatively, I can't say I put a lot of effort into building a relationship with Valerie, but we've hung out a few times and we talked about safe, relatively superficial topics. She told me about her taking classes at the local community college, her boyfriend Steve who I met a few times and disliked (not that I told her that), and asked about my going to the University of Miami. She even asked if she could come visit one weekend so that we could hang out on the beach. I was shocked when she told me that she'd miss me. I promised her I would ask Abuela since I was going to live with her during the school year. If we weren't outside tanning at the pool, we didn't really talk. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it was easier for us to talk to each other if we didn't actually have to look at one another. Regardless, I think we were just happy to have some sort of relationship. We'd never be close and discuss our hearts' greatest fears or share clothes, but at least now we were able to hang out in the same room with relative ease.

It was a long, emotional summer, but at the end of it I felt at peace about leaving. I resolved my issues (as much as possible) with my family members. I wouldn't have to carry around a trunk of emotional baggage to Miami. I was happy that I could leave and focus on the new. I was truly moving on.


	32. Chapter 32

AN: I know you guys want more Ranger and Les. I understand and I feel the same way. I promise they'll return in Chpt. 33.

Also, I apologize if I wrote something incorrectly in Spanish. I haven't spoken it in years. Feel free to send a correction if you are a native speaker :)

* * *

Chpt. 32

I didn't get a chance to say good-bye to Carlos and Les before I moved down to Miami. They left suddenly to go on a mission in mid-July and they weren't back by the last weekend in August when we drove down. I didn't like it. I really wish I had gotten to see them before they left, but I knew how the game was played. Thankfully, Uncle Charlie was nice enough to tell me when they made their check-ins. It helped alleviate some of my anxiety.

Valerie took me out for a mani-pedi as a sort of going-away present. It was very sweet and relaxing. We talked a lot while we were there, but again, we weren't making eye contact. Instead we chatted while flipping through People and InStyle magazines. Valerie had her nails painted in Zoya's Dita. I went with Zoya's Maura because, really, who doesn't like red nail polish?

Lula was mad that she missed out on getting mani-pedis, but there was no way I would subject Lula to Val and vice versa. Have them together would be like throwing Mentos candy into a bottle of Coca-Cola. Lula would inevitably blow-up at some dumb, condescending comment Valerie would make and not mean. (Valerie had no idea that her generalized comments often came off as condescending.) I didn't want the last time I hung out with either of them trying to calm down Lula while she was in rhino mode. Aunt Marjie told me that I made a wise decision. I had to promise Lula that we could go for mani-pedis during Thanksgiving break, preferably after the Black Friday shopping, because we would both need foot massages afterward. Thank God that idea appeased her. Otherwise, she might have chased me down to Miami. You just never know what Lula will do. Well, to be honest, I don't think Lula knows what she is going to do before she is actively doing it. Even I'm not impetuous as she is – and I ran over Morelli!

The actual drive down to Miami wasn't too bad. We took two cars, one of them being the new-to-me used car they gave me for graduation. My aunt rode with me half the time, and half with my uncle so that we "didn't get bored and fall asleep at the wheel." It might be terrible to say, but I really liked being alone in the car. I rocked out, singing along at the top of my lungs. I couldn't do that when Aunt Marjie was in the car with me. Her idea of nice driving music is Mozart and Tchaikovsky. Obviously head-banging is out when we drive together.

I did enjoy my time with my aunt, even if I had to listen to classical crap. We talked a lot – about superficial things and people like Paris Hilton, to the death of Aaliyah, to technology and the launch of Windows XP (my aunt was surprisingly techie), to medical advancements like the first transplant of a self-contained, completely artificial heart. People always underestimated Marjie's intelligence, assuming she was an uneducated housewife because that was the norm when she and my uncle got married. They failed to ask questions and find out that she got her bachelor of arts in English from Wellesley and a Master's in philosophy from Tufts. To be honest, I think she liked that people underestimated her. She would listen to or be a part of conversations at dinner parties and would basically collect information for my uncle. Often times, the high up military men didn't think my aunt would understand what they were talking about. I suppose in her own way she was my uncle's mole. She would figure out people's motivations, agendas, and weak points and tell Uncle Charlie.

After watching me borderline self-destruct last fall, I imagine my aunt has a pretty good idea of what Uncle Charlie put me through, not that she could or would approach that topic with me. I wouldn't doubt it if privately she chewed him out based on her inferences. But with me, she was beyond supportive and understanding even when she had no proof or idea what set me off. Out of my family, I'd probably miss her the most. At least I'd have Abuela to lean on if I needed somebody in Miami.

"So I was talking to Rosa last week when I was seeing if you could bring the cats, what furniture she had that you could use, and what we'd need to get you. She said we can paint your room whatever color you want. She also has a dresser, desk, and twin bed in there, but I was thinking it might be nice if you had a full or queen size bed instead. And you can then take that bed when you move out to your own apartment next year. What do you think?" My aunt asked me when we were about an hour away from my soon to be home.

"Um…I'm just happy that she let me bring Marshmallow and Slimer. Beyond that, I haven't given any of that other stuff much thought. A larger bed would be nice. I'm used to my bed at your house so a twin would seem small. The idea of rolling out of bed because I'm used to a bigger one isn't all that appealing. And I didn't think about painting. I just assumed I had to keep whatever color Abuela painted it. What do you think about making the room yellow?"

"Yellow is cheerful. And it helps with concentration, but it's not really calming. Do you think you need something cheerful or calming? Green is actually a happy medium between the two colors. It is calming, helps reading comprehension, and is optimistic." I mentally sighed. Of course my aunt would be in the know about the psychology of color.

"I really like yellow though. I need its energy while studying. Blue and likely green would just help me fall asleep if they are such calming colors."

"Well, that's settled then. We can't have you falling asleep when you are studying…. Hm…maybe Rosa will have an area in the house that you can study in, outside of your bedroom. We could paint that yellow and your bedroom a calming color so you can sleep."

"Don't you think you're getting a little carried away, Aunt Marjie?"

"Not if it means you'll be successful in school. Don't get me wrong, Abuela is being very generous in letting you stay with her this year, but I want you to do well. So does Charlie."

"I'll be fine. Promise. I will buckle down and work hard, unlike last year."

"You'd better work this year. You coasted last year. It's a good thing you worked so hard the three previous years," she sighed at the end. She was still disappointed that my class ranking had fallen. I think she had unspoken hopes I'd go to some Ivy League school. I knew Uncle Charlie had wanted West Point initially, but dropped that idea after Spain. Besides the fact I had never had any interest in being an officer in the Army.

Thankfully, Aunt Marjie dropped the topic of my senior year and went back to talking about the décor of my room at Abuela's. When I listened to her discuss girly topics like this, it was very easy for me to understand why people would underestimate her and feel at ease talking about more private topics. And that is why women make good spies, I thought.

I was quite happy when we arrived at my new home. Abuela walked out onto her porch right as I was pulling into the driveway. Even though she had never been to Jersey, she had that Burg Mom Radar that my own mother and grandmother had. I wondered if I'd develop that – if I'm ever a mother. The idea of having my own kids freaked me out, but Aunt Marjie told me that was completely normal at my age, and that she hoped I felt that way until my late twenties, to early thirties.

I hopped out of the car and ran straight into Abuela's open arms. I missed her hugs. Nothing against my aunt or uncle, but they weren't physically demonstrative with their affection. I _loved_ that Abuela gave hugs and kisses. It filled some sort of need that I'd had my whole life.

"_¡__Hola, Estafanía! Te he echado de menos. Ahora, entramos en casa entonces puedo mostrar tu habitación a ustedes__."_ [Hi, Stephanie! I've missed you. Now, let's go into the house, then I can show your room to all of you.]

"_Te eché de menos también, pero necesitamos hablar en inglés. Sabes que mis tíos no hablan español. Por lo menos, no hablan mucho__,"_ I replied. [I missed you too, but we need to speak in English. You know my aunt and uncle don't speak Spanish. At least not very much.]

"English it is, but you _mi dulcita necesita practicar._ _Carlos y Les me dijeron que no has practicado mucho en el año pasado, que tuviste que hacer demasiado tarea para graduarse y no tenia el tiempo para practicar y hablar español__." _[…my sweet need to practice. Carlos and Les told me that you haven't practiced much in the last year, that you had to do too much homework in order to graduate and you didn't have time to practice and speak Spanish.]

I had to laugh at how she unintentionally slipped back into Spanish after, in the same breath, agreeing to speak English.

"_Sí, no practiqué mucho y te prometo que hablamos el español despúes de mis tíos salirán, pero ya están acá_." [Yes, I didn't practice a lot and I promise that we'll speak Spanish after they leave, but they're still here.]

"Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to slip back into Spanish. You'll likely have to remind me," Abuela told me laughing. "Now, let's show you and your folks your room. It's the one you normally stay in. I told Marjie that we could paint your room if you like. She also said something about getting you a new bed. I figured we could look at your room, go to the paint and mattress stores. Oh and grab your cats so we can get them introduced to the house before we leave."

"You sure you don't mind me painting my room?" I had to make sure. I was only planning on living here for a year.

"Not at all _mi dulcita_. Have you thought of any colors that you might like?" And from there on out, we were distracted first with getting the cats set up and then with getting the supplies needed to make my new room feel like home.

By the time my aunt and uncle left on Sunday my room was completely transformed. It was a cheerful yellow with white trim. My bedding and curtains were cream, teal, and grey. We were just waiting for the delivery of my bed, but that wouldn't happen until Tuesday. I had orientation and other "Weekend of Welcome" activities from Thursday through the end of next weekend.

I was dreading having to go to the all the weekend activities, but was glad that Lexi and I agreed to go to everything together. That way there would be at least one friendly face. Don't get me wrong, I was okay with meeting new people, but I liked having the comfort of having a friend with me. Lexi felt the same way. I think we were both comforted to know that we were facing the start of college together. We jokingly said that this weekend was, "Lex and Steph against the world," but I think we were only have joking. At least I was.

_August 26, 2001_

_Song of the day: Weezer, "Photograph"_

_I'm starting college in a few days. I think I'm ready. Sort of. I'm sort of terrified, too. That might sound dumb, but I have to make all new friends and learn my way around a "new" city, even though I've spent a lot of time here. I know I can make friends easily. I had to when we moved in with Aunt Marjie and Uncle Charlie and then again when we moved down to Fort Benning. I guess I'm just nervous. I know it's normal, but I still am._

_I wish I could talk to Carlos or Les. They'd know what to say to me, but they're incommunicado right now. Uncle Charlie told me that made their check in on Wednesday. That's good. _

_I talked to Lexi because she was the closest I could get to talking to Les. She made me laugh, imitating what Les would be like with a bunch of hot coeds. It was amazing how much she could make her eyes bug out. _

_And then she reminded me that all incoming freshmen are terrified, herself included. She told me if I can make friends at Middlebury when everyone was so much older than me, that making friends with kids my own age would be easy. Thank God I have Lexi here. _


	33. Chapter 33

Chpt. 33

* * *

Stephanie Plum

September 5, 2001

To: Carlos Mañoso; Lester Santos

Subject: All by myself…. (imagine me singing out of tune)

Hey guys,

Okay, so I'm not really "all by myself", but you guys aren't here. I think that's honestly the hardest part about being in Miami. I have Abuela and Lexi and they're great, but they're not you guys. Neither of them understand my occasional (Okay, right now their nightly.) nightmares and it's not like I can tell them much of anything. After approximately my tenth nightmare I had to lie to Abuela when she asked what was wrong and told her they were about the car accident. I think she believed me. I hope that the longer I'm here and the more comfortable I am, the less I'll get them.

So far I know you guys are okay – well as okay as Uncle Charlie knows. He tells me when he hears from you. I know you can't tell me about it and I'm not asking. Hopefully you both are healthy and safe. I keep you both in my thoughts.

So I've gone through a few days of classes. So far it's not earth-shatteringly difficult. Honestly, Middlebury was way harder from what I can tell. I think I'll breeze through the last three classes I need for my Arabic Studies minor. As long as I keep up on my reading assignments and papers, I think I can skate by with minimal stress and effort.

I almost feel badly for Lexi. She is CRAZY stressed (Send her some funny emails when you guys get a chance.) and worried she won't do well. I feel borderline guilty because I'm not. Abuela told me it was the payoff from working hard all these past summers at Middlebury while Lexi played around and had carefree summers.

Right now I'm typing up this email to you while sitting on my bed, relaxing, drinking decaf coffee. (Abuela won't let me drink caffeine in the house after noon because she thinks it'll help with my nightmares. ***sigh***) I already finished the reading Lexi is doing right now and am contemplating skimming the chapters for my Intro. to International Studies or going to a party at the Sig Ep house that a guy in our psych class told us about. Comparatively, Lexi is sitting at my desk with five pens and pencils in her hair, while gnawing on the highlighter cap and reading for Psych 101. She is going to kill that poor highlighter cap, and it did nothing to her.

Abuela thinks we should take a yoga class next semester to help Lexi relax. What do you think? I'm hoping she'll chill after she takes her first exams and sees that it won't be terrible if she just does the work.

I better stop writing so I can do my assignment for Intro. to I.S. That I can go to the Sig Ep party later today. That's a good, responsible compromise, right? See…I'm totally making adult decisions ***wink wink nudge nudge***

Love you both! Don't get shot.

Steph

* * *

Stephanie Plum

September 11, 2001

To: Carlos Mañoso; Lester Santos

Subject: The World Trade Center…

Hi,

It seems weird to start an email to you guys so normally when…when nothing seems normal right now. I was just grabbing my travel mug of coffee when the morning TV show Abuela was watching was interrupted with a special news report saying that a plane flew into the World Trade Center. And then another flew into the other tower.

Shortly after that another plane hit the Pentagon. Thankfully, I was able to call home and make sure that Uncle Charlie wasn't there today. He cancelled his meetings there this week because I guess he got food poisoning yesterday. And he **never** gets sick. Aunt Marjie thinks that is proof that God exists. I kept my thoughts about the subject to myself. I almost feel like today is proof that God doesn't exist. If he did, how could such people do such evil things?

I don't know where you guys are or if you're safe. I'm terrified for you, for what you'll have to experience after today. Lexi keeps crying and saying that she knows you guys will be after whoever did this. She thinks that whoever goes after these people will be on a suicide mission. I tried reassuring her that you guys are the best of the best, but there's only so much I can say without giving away what I know. I know that if (more like when) you guys are tasked with something major like that, you'll succeed. I have confidence in your capabilities. I just don't want you to have to be the ones….

The news is saying something about "al Qaeda" and Osama bin Laden because he is its leader. I've never heard of him and really know very little about al-Qaeda, but for the most part, I'm a normal American. What's ironic to me is that I was thinking that getting a minor in Arabic Studies was kind of…pointless. Now that I look back on it, considering that Uncle Sam paid a lot of money for me to go study at Middlebury, it's obvious that our leaders were aware of this threat. Even Uncle Charlie had to be aware. Yeah, I know this sounds like idiotic musings, but I never considered **why** they were having me study Arabic. I thought it was more due to the conflict with Israel/Palestine. That just shows you how naïve I was.

Maybe this will all sound crazy when you read it. You're likely somewhere where you're completely unaware of what happened today. I'm sure we'll have a much better understanding as to who attacked us and why when you return home.

Honestly though, who ever thought that someone – well a lot of people – would take planes and use them as weapons, like missiles? I guess I just never thought of this specific type of threat before. And yes, I know this makes me an idiot considering all the training I've been given. I guess I never considered the **big** picture.

Classes were cancelled today and I'm guessing for the rest of the week. Again, this is awful to say, and I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but I almost wish they hadn't closed today. I kind of want life to go on like normal – or at least have some semblance of normality. Instead, we just sit here, watching the news in absolute horror. After today, I'll have a totally new subject for my nightmares.

I miss you both terribly and I pray (if there's a god or gods) or send good thoughts (if it's more of a Karma thing) to you guys.

I love you two. Stay safe and don't get shot.

Always yours,

Steph

* * *

Stephanie Plum

September 30, 2001

To: Carlos Mañoso; Lester Santos

Subject: Patriotism

Hi guys,

Uncle C said you guys checked in yesterday. I know it's hard to check in with bosses when you're traveling. It was the first time since 9/11 that I feel like I could breathe with relative ease.

Today in my international studies class we discussed the implications of 9/11, the future of our country, our diplomatic and economic relations with other countries, and the effect 9/11 has had on the American people. We talked a lot about the effect it's had on us normal U.S. citizens – I have a feeling we'll go back and discuss the previous points I mentioned earlier for the rest of the semester. I think today was almost like group therapy for all of us in the class.

The only good thing any of us could come up with from this tragedy is that we have all banded together as a country. I almost feel like we were a more fractured, less cohesive country before. Maybe this is because we haven't really had any true conflicts that would require military intervention since Vietnam. (And we know that the U.S. public was fractured from Vietnam. It didn't even support the troops when they returned home!) But people are proud to be Americans and are vocal about it now. Enlistment numbers are way up for all branches of the military. I think that's good.

I just hope that Uncle Sam makes good decisions going forward. What does concern me is the warmongering that's already going on. I don't want us to start a war based on crap intel. I don't want people I care about to be sent out based on crap intel.

Aunt Marjie made Uncle C promise not to pressure me to enlist. I kind of laughed to myself because you and I know that Uncle Sam and I already have an agreement. It's just not with the Army. Right after that Uncle C brought up the likelihood that my time frame might be moved up somehow. Yesterday he confirmed it. Uncle Sam is already making plans for me and I haven't graduated yet…scary, but not unexpected. I'm not sure if it will be more studying languages at Middlebury or something more physical somewhere else. It sounds very up-in-the-air. The only thing that seemed pretty certain was that I won't be training in GA.

I need to get back to studying. Hah! Yeah, I know in earlier emails I was pretty blasé about the whole studying thing, but I'm sure you understand. My language skills need to be up to snuff so that I can do my own part – at least someday.

Stay safe. Don't get shot. Love you both so much!

Steph

* * *

Stephanie Plum

October 10, 2001

To: Carlos Mañoso; Lester Santos

Subject: Looks like I'll be farming next summer….

Hey guys,

It'll be a month tomorrow. Somehow it seems like it was just yesterday that 9/11 happened, but at the same time, it feels like I've aged 100 years in the last month. Uncle C said it was because I now have perspective. I guess that's one way of putting it.

So it looks like my training has already been set or so they think. Uncle C, a lawyer (the one that went over everything with me), and I will be meeting to discuss the new development when I go home for Thanksgiving. It looks like I'll be farming in VA. I think we all know what it means. I didn't expect that because I didn't think I would ever do that again. Uncle C asked if I considered changing my mind on the subject matter. I just don't want to return to the field. I don't think it's for me. I don't think that's where I'd be most productive. Plus, we know how much I hate having to get my hands dirty or breaking a nail.

Anyway, I thought I'd keep you in the loop…even if you read it months later.

Uncle C said you guys checked in and that your project looks good.

Hopefully I'll see you at Thanksgiving. I love and miss you both so much.

Stay safe. Don't get shot.

Steph

* * *

Lester Santos

October 31, 2001

To: Stephanie Plum; Carlos Mañoso

Subject: RE: Looks like I'll be farming next summer….

Looks like we might be farmhands with you.

We'll see you at Thanksgiving.

Love you, too, Beautiful.

Les

P.S. Sorry can't write more.

* * *

Carlos Mañoso

November 1, 2001

To: Stephanie Plum; Lester Santos

Subject: RE: Looks like I'll be farming next summer….

Babe,

We'll discuss this in person. I don't think farming is for you.

We'll be home through the end of the year while some members of the team recuperate from all of the traveling we've done.

I hope you're not going crazy down there in Miami.

Carlos

* * *

Stephanie Plum

November 1, 2001

To: Carlos Mañoso

Subject: RE: RE: Looks like I'll be farming next summer….

Carlos,

I think I'll be a shitty farmhand, but I've been told otherwise. I pointed out half-seriously that I'm girly and don't want to break a nail. Uncle C laughed at me. So yeah…. I'm not looking forward to that meeting.

Is everyone ok? I hope it's nothing grave. I'm glad you're back in relatively good shape. Traveling can take a lot out of a person.

I have to get back to studying for midterms and work on one of my Spanish term papers. (Seriously, I have to write three seven-page papers for this class this semester. And I'm the only non-native speaking **freshman** in a 300-level Spanish class. I hate calling attention to myself and I kind of stick out. My Spanish is good and all, but everyone in class looks like they're of Hispanic descent. And then there's me – _la_ _gringita._) So far, so good on my grades though. I even finished two of my term papers for other classes early. Lexi doesn't understand how I already finished so much, have kept good grades, but party so much on the weekends. [derogatory term for "little white girl"]

I told her that I'm going to enjoy life while I can. You never know when tomorrow will never come. Her response was that I had become too serious since 9/11 and that I needed to get laid.

I've got to go do more work.

Love,

Steph

P.S. And no, I'm not getting laid. I'm not into the whole one-night stand BS and that's all that happens at the parties. So before you freak out, **don't**. There's no need. I'm as celibate as a nun these days.

* * *

Carlos Mañoso

November 2, 2001

To: Stephanie Plum

Subject: Wouldn't you have to be religious and believe in God to be a nun?

Babe.

* * *

Stephanie Plum

November 2, 2001

To: Carlos Mañoso

Subject: RE: Wouldn't you have to be religious and believe in God to be a nun?

I said I was **as celibate as a nun**, not that I **am a nun**! And I'm pretty sure nuns don't do keg stands.

* * *

Lester Santos

November 3, 2001

To: Stephanie Plum

Subject: Keg stands?!

What's this I hear about keg stands?

Maybe we need to come down there and be your chaperones at these parties. After all, we might need to show you how it's done. We don't want you to fall off the keg and all that.

Les

P.S. Lexi better not be doing keg stands with you!

* * *

Stephanie Plum

November 3, 2001

To: Lester Santos

Subject: RE: Keg stands?!

I'm just throwing this word out there for you to think about: HYPOCRITE.

* * *

Lester Santos

November 4, 2001

To: Stephanie Plum

Subject: RE: RE: Keg stands?!

A brother is allowed to be over protective.

* * *

Stephanie Plum

November 4, 2001

To: Lester Santos

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Keg stands?!

And I repeat: HYPOCRITE.

But I still love ya.


	34. Chapter 34

AN: So wrote an extra long chapter for this week and the beginning of next week since I knew I wouldn't have time this weekend.I was supposed to go to Boston for the unveiling of my grandparents' headstone, but Hurricane Joaquin had other plans. So here's a very long-for-me chapter. I'm keeping everyone on the East Coast in my thoughts and prayers.

* * *

Chpt. 34

It was the day before Thanksgiving and I was sitting in my uncle's office, discussing my contract and training the government wanted me to get with Uncle Charlie and my lawyer. It was definitely _not _the best way to start my long weekend. I mean, really, who wants to read legalese (again), clarify certain conditions of my contract, and then deliberate (again) over the direction of my life. _Not me_. I just turned nineteen for goodness sake!

"The contract states she has to get any training the government deems necessary. She can't argue with the training. If she reneges on that part, then the government decides in what capacity they want Stephanie working. Just because she gets the training, it doesn't mean she has to work as a CIA operative," Jeremy, my lawyer, explained.

"Are you sure about that? Because it seems to me that if they want me to go to the Farm for training, that they want me to work out in the field. Are you _positive_ that they can't somehow force me to be an operative?" I chewed on my lip while I waited for his response.

"Per the contract they _can't_," he stressed to me.

Up to this point Uncle Charlie had mainly just observed our conversation. "I've had Jeremy and Michael, my own lawyer, review your contract, Steph. There is no legal way they can force you to work out in the field. I think they want you to have the training and then _choose_ to go out yourself. Maybe get you addicted to the adrenaline so that you _want_ to go into the field. If I was in their place, I'd want you to _choose_ the CIA operative route also due to your infinite potential. And it being your choice means that you'd be all the happier in that career path because _you chose it._"

I had to snort at that. There was _no _way I would choose to go back out into the field unless Les' and Carlos' lives were at stake.

"Fat chance of that happening," I replied.

"You and I both know that, but the government doesn't. Just go along with the training so that you don't violate your contract," my uncle responded.

"Fine. Do you know if Les and Carlos are going? Les hinted that they'd be going during the summer as well."

"It is not definite at this point in time, but the Chief of Staff of the Army and Secretary of the Army seem fairly certain they want the boys to go. They show a lot of potential and the Army wants to utilize them to the best of the abilities. By the time they weigh the decision and obtain the cooperation with the Director of the CIA, it will be your summer break. So it is likely they'd go to training at the same time as you."

"I'm not sure that makes me feel better, but at least I won't be alone there."

"I think it'll be in everyone's best interest if the three of you go together. You guys have a special bond that makes a team very effective out in the field. There's a chance that Tank and Brown might go as well, but I'm less certain about that. And nothing against them, they just don't have that bond with you – at least not at this point in time.

"Now that we've discussed all this ugly stuff, it's time to go pick up the pizza on the way home. You know that your aunt has gone crazy this week preparing for tomorrow. If you hadn't noticed, she is far more excited about Thanksgiving this year than normal," Uncle Charlie said while getting out of his chair behind his desk. He shook Jeremy's hand as we started for the door.

"Have a good night, Jeremy," I called to Jeremy when we starting going our separate ways.

"Yeah, why is that? It's like Martha Stewart has taken over Aunt Marjie's body. It's really bizarre. Don't get me wrong, she's always put on a great Thanksgiving, but she got _really _into decorating, too. She put a wreath with fake leaves on my _bedroom _door."

"I think she might be dealing with empty nest syndrome. She's made wreaths for every door in the house and each holiday that's passed since you left. You should have seen the wreathes she put on the front door for Labor Day, Columbus Day, Halloween, Veteran's Day…."

* * *

Thanksgiving morning arrived and with it came a flurry of activity only a Burg housewife can create. Typically, Aunt Marjie has always been relatively un-Burg considering she's laid back, relaxed with schedules, only decorates for major holidays, doesn't judge people, or think that every woman needs to be a stay-at-home mom. This year was entirely different though. She had an individualized, printed out time table that showed a deadline for each chore that we had to complete. (I was silently wondering if my uncle had a hand in that part. He loved to make everything as organized and "efficient" as the Army.) She wanted to make sure we all completed our check lists at least an hour before our guests arrived. The only person I truly considered a guest was Steve, Valerie's icky boyfriend. To me Carlos, Les, Bobby, and Tank qualified more as family rather than guests, but what did I know.

I had to vacuum the downstairs – again (I had to vacuum it yesterday, too!), get the tablecloths out of the buffet and iron them, then set the tables which included cloth napkins, and clean any dirty pots and pans my aunt and sister created while they cooked. All things considered, I think I kind of lucked out on my list of chores. At one point she had Valerie cleaning out the turkey's innards, seasoning and stuffing it. One look at her arm shoved up the turkey's tuchus and all of my it's-not-fair feelings fell to the wayside.

Even Uncle Charlie had chores to do, though that was mainly to keep him out of the kitchen in hopes of preventing him from getting salmonella. He loves turkey and always tries to steal pieces of it even if it's not fully cooked and regardless that Aunt Marjie yells each time she catches him. And that was why I spent a few minutes silently laughing to myself, watching him vacuum the walls, light fixtures, and dust every surface in the living and dining rooms. I always love watching my uncle, a distinguished General in the U.S. Army, follow my generally soft-spoken aunt's orders.

By sixteen hundred hours the house would pass the white glove test. The dining room table was set and decorated with centerpieces my aunt made, and the food was sitting on the buffet waiting to be served. The guys were in the living room, yelling at the TV, stating that the referee needed to get his eyes checked. My aunt, Valerie, and I were all standing in the dining room doorway, observing the guys. Poor Steve stuck out like a sore thumb. Compared to my guys, heck, even my middle-aged uncle, Steve seemed scrawny and slimy. I didn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

"Ahem," Aunt Marjie called out. Nobody paid any attention to her, their eyes glued to the game. "**Ahem!**"

Finally, everyone looked her way. "Dinner is ready. Please serve yourselves and take a seat at the table."

Steve, being the first person through the buffet line and the idiot that he is, tried to go back into the living room with his plate filled to the max with food. He apparently wanted to watch the game. A nice, civilized meal was not on his menu.

Bobby was the second person to get through the line and kept looking back and forth between the living room and dining room. The indecision in his eyes was clear as day. I walked over, wrapped my arm around his waist and stood on my tippy-toes to whisper in his ear, "You try to eat in there, in front of the TV, and you'll be sorry. You think my uncle's punishments are bad – they are nothing compared to Aunt Marjie's!" Bobby just nodded, kissed the top of my head, and took a seat at the table. Everyone else thankfully followed suit, except for Steve. He still had yet to realize that _nobody_ had joined him in the living room. Idiot.

"Steven Calafato, if you think I'm going to let you eat in there, you have another thing coming. How could you be so disrespectful to Valerie and me! We slaved over a hot stove for you all day, and you want to watch a dumb sports game that you can see multiple times a week instead of be with your girlfriend and her family! You need to learn to be respectful and appreciative! How else do you think you're going to be a good husband and father? That's a horrible example to set!" At this point Aunt Marjie was literally pulling Steve into the dining room by his ear. It was the first time since I started living with them that I could ever say that she fully epitomized the typical Burg housewife. And honest to God, I think I heard my mother's voice come from Aunt Marjie's mouth. It freaked me out and gave me the chills.

And then my reverie was suddenly broken. _Why did Aunt Marjie say something about being a good roll model, husband, and father?_ **Oh shit…. **

I was pretty sure that Uncle Charlie didn't actually listen to what my aunt was lecturing. He was too engrossed in his conversation with Bobby about which sniper rifle was better – the Accuracy International AS50 (My personal rifle of choice and one that I had made peace with since last Thanksgiving.) or the M24. I hope Aunt Marjie moved the guns from the gun safe and hid them. And dear God, I hope that none of the guys will offer him the use of their own weapon.

At this point Steve had settled into his chair next to Valerie, who was looking positively green. I hadn't paid much attention to her when I found her throwing up this morning. She said she just had a weird stomach condition that the doctor said was temporary and wasn't contagious. She had to be pregnant. How could I be so dumb to miss that?

While I was mentally berating myself the conversation flowed throughout dinner, even without Val or Steve's participation. Actually, it probably went _better_ since neither of them spoke. If they had, there was a good chance one of them would have said something offensive or condescending. Since spending time with her this summer I realized Val doesn't mean to come off as a condescending bitch about sixty percent of the time, making it easier for me to tolerate her.

In place of Valerie's unusual silence, Uncle Charlie and the guys talked a lot. Maybe they just never had the chance when they were here for dinner. Honestly, I didn't even realize that the four of them could talk that much. Especially Tank. We heard about his momma's cooking craw-daddies and jambalaya, and her strange obsession with France even though she had never been there.

"I love my momma. Don't think I don't. She's a great lady, but her obsession with the French is over the top. She named me Pierre, my older brother Baptiste, and my sister Margaux. The only good thing that came out of her being a Francophile is that she makes some damned good French baguettes," Tank told us. He then looked and me said while wagging his pointer finger at me, "Oh, and don't even think of calling me Pierre, Little Girl. I know where you live."

"Pfft! You wouldn't do anything to me! You like me too much. Besides, you don't look like a Pierre. You really do look like a Tank! Or maybe Mr. T if you gave yourself a mohawk and wore some gaudy gold jewelry."

"Woah, Steph, I can totally picture it. You want a haircut Tank? I think you'd look good with a mohawk," Bobby replied, his eyes lighting up with laughter. He looked at Les and I swear they had a silent communication prank planning powwow.

Tank growled at him, "Don't even think about it Brown and Santos. You know I can kick your asses!"

"Babe, I think you might've started a prank war," Carlos said, watching the commotion.

"I meant it as a joke, but I should know better than to make jokes like that when Les and Bobby are around."

"Definitely."

Bobby and Tank continued to bicker. Carlos and I partially paid attention to them (Neither of us wanted a food fight, and honestly, one never knows what will happen when Les and Bobby are in collusion.) while we started talking about our upcoming training.

"Babe, you're not meant to be out in the field. You need to get out of this."

"I tried. We had two lawyers look at it. Basically, I have to go through any and all training Uncle Sam says that I have to have. If I don't then I violate my contract. As long as I go along with the training, I still get to choose what I do when I graduate. If I refuse training, then the high ups will determine where they want me after I'm done with school."

"That seems contradictory to me."

"Me, too. Uncle Charlie thinks that they're hoping I choose field work if given enough time. I think the chances of that are highly unlikely, but I guess never say 'never'."

"You're just not meant for fieldwork. You've got tons of potential, but your spirit is too pure for the lifestyle."

"Pretty sure my spirit isn't so pure anymore," I sighed.

"Babe, if you were truly meant for the lifestyle, what you did wouldn't have affected you so much."

"Probably."

"Not probably. Definitely." I rested my head against his shoulder and decided to tune into the current conversation.

"I swear to God, Santos, if you try to pierce my ears just so I can wear hoops like Mr. T, I'll knock you into next week!"

"Boys!" My aunt yelled out. "Boys! We do not take the Lord's name in vain! Especially not on a day like Thanksgiving! Do you understand me?"

"Yes, Aunt Marjie," they called out in unison.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Steve guide Val out of the dining room and to the loveseat in the living room. He went down on bended knee. Our relatively calm Thanksgiving was going to become chaotic in mere moments. I just knew it. I did a chin jerking motion to Carlos so that he'd see what I saw. He turned back to me, raising one eyebrow.

"Just wait for it," I sighed and made a slight hand motion showing a growing belly.

"Want me to disarm the General when he hears?" he whispered in my ear. I just nodded.

Valerie came back into the room, pulling Steve behind her. And then she squealed, "We have an announcement to make!" When everyone finally turned to look at her she jumped up and down and screamed, **"**We're getting married!"

And then chaos reined down on the Plumari household. Uncle Charlie rose from his chair so quickly and forcefully that it fell backward into the buffet, which in turn managed to hit the tray with the sliced turkey on it. Pieces of meat went flying in the air and landing everywhere. Les picked a piece of turkey breast out of his hair and ate it. Boys, I thought while I scrunched my nose in disgust.

"_**Over my dead body!**_" my uncle bellowed. "I thought you were a good boy! You didn't even ask me for her hand!" Oh boy. Apparently he was still a little old fashioned that way. How ironic.

"Now Charlie, maybe you should hear them out," my stoic, saintly aunt stated. That probably wasn't the best move on her part because then he turned his rage-filled eyes on her. If she had a red cape, he likely would have charged at her just like a bull.

"_**You knew about this?**_"

"I had an inkling," she responded.

"It's good news, Uncle Charlie," Val said, trying to intervene and calm him down.

"You're _**too young**_!" he barked. Steve visibly flinched. Wuss. He'd never have made it through Basic. His constitution was flimsy at best. I wondered if Valerie knew she wasn't marrying a true man.

"I'm just as old as Aunt Marjie was when you guys got engaged," she argued.

"Times are different now! And she finished college. Hell, she even got her Master's! Finish college and get a good job. _Then_ think about marriage and babies," he lectured.

"Well, it's a little late for that." Oh shit, Valerie didn't just say _that_, did she? Nope, she most certainly did. Fuck.

Uncle Charlie pinched the bridge of his nose. If I weren't sitting so closely, I would have missed him mumbling to himself, "And to think, we were worried about Stephanie." Talk about insulting, but then I guess it wouldn't be a typical family holiday if there wasn't some sort of drama and slights.

The dining room had become eerily quiet while I silently stewed at my uncle's offense. I could see that my uncle was at war with himself. I knew he wanted to grab Steve by the throat and yell, but knowing him, he likely didn't want to do that in front of my aunt or Valerie. I'm sure he had no qualms about doing that in front of the guys or me. We knew a different side of him.

"Steve, my office, five minutes," he commanded, acting every bit of the Army General that he was. He then turned to the guys and growled, "Do not let him leave." Steve visibly paled at that.

"Yes, sir!" Bobby, Carlos, Les, and Tank yelled out. My uncle then calmly walked back to what we girls affectionately called his "man cave". Once Uncle Charlie was in his office, and likely drinking some expensive, aged scotch, Steve tried to start to sneaking away. The funny thing was that he was trying to get by Carlos, and Carlos is the most aware-of-his-surroundings person in the world. Without even looking in Steve's direction, he just reached out and collared him.

"You're not going anywhere, Peter Pan," Carlos told Steve, still not looking in his direction. "Now sit!" Steve slumped into his seat without argument. Man was he weak-willed!

The guys continued their bickering as though the engagement and pregnancy announcement didn't happen. Valerie was excitedly chattering to Aunt Marjie about what she wanted for her wedding. She also told her that they were getting married next month because she didn't want to be _one of those _brides who are obviously getting married just because they are pregnant, even though she was _one of those_ brides. I just looked at Carlos and rolled my eyes, knowing full well that he would know what I was silently commenting on.

"Babe." I'm pretty sure that "Babe" meant, "Did you really think she would be any other way?" And he was totally right. As always.

"Five minutes is up, Peter Pan," Carlos said authoritatively.

"Why are you calling me Peter Pan? I'm not anything like him," Steve crossly asked.

"Because it's obvious that you are only marrying her because she is pregnant. You are not a man yet considering you can't own up to your mistakes by talking with her rightfully unhappy uncle. You're too chicken to be a man. You don't want to grow up, but maybe you're right. Peter Pan was a leader. You're definitely too weak-willed – a follower. You're more like one of the Lost Boys. Maybe I'll call you Tootles from now on."

Carlos pushed Steve towards my uncle's office. The rest of the guys followed quietly behind. By the time they got to door, Carlos had to forcefully shove him through the door before Carlos and Les followed him in, quietly closing the door behind them. Bobby and Tank stood sentry.

I figured Carlos and Les were in there, keeping Uncle Charlie from actually killing Steve, so I turned my attention towards Valerie. Big. Mistake.

"So Steph, I know you're in school right now and have papers and finals and whatnot for the next couple of weeks, but I really need you to focus on my wedding. _It's kind of a big deal_," Valerie tried to sound authoritative. It just didn't work with her voice. She just sounded more like a self-centered Valley girl.

"Okay, I'm going to stop you right there. I'll happily, okay not so happily, help you when I get back for Christmas break, but I won't be at your every beck and call while I'm finishing up the semester. I need to maintain my good grades. _It's kind of a big deal_," I had to throw her words back in her face.

"My wedding is a _way _bigger deal than your grades for _one_ measly little semester!" I rolled my eyes at her.

"What do you even think I can do to help you while I'm in Miami?"

"I wanted to talk to you about that. I was actually thinking you could ask for an extension or an incomplete in all of your classes due to family obligations." At this point I actually put my head on the dining room table and worked on my breathing exercises Hannah gave me to help keep calm.

"I love you; you're my sister, but you're being _unreasonable_," I said through clenched teeth, my forehead still resting on the dining room table, my eyes closed as I took a deep breath in for ten counts and released it. I then slowly clenched and unclenched each muscle group. It wasn't helping me calm down.

"I'm not! You only get married once, Stephanie!" I didn't want to be the one to tell her that I didn't think Steve had staying power.

"Valerie," my aunt tried to console her, "Yes, you only get married once in your life…"

At this I gave my aunt a look that clearly implied, "You've got to be kidding me! You know they'll get divorced because he is a jerk!"

"…but you need to understand that Stephanie has her own obligations as well. She has to keep up her grades to keep her scholarship. She said she'd help you when she is done with the semester and you know her word is good," Aunt Marjie finished.

"But, but, Aunt Marjie! I need her to help with the floral arrangements and decorations now! I only have a month!" Valerie screeched and I flinched not only due to her voice, but also because I'm pretty sure I'd ruin whatever floral arrangements she wanted me to make even though I'd try to the best of my ability. I never inherited that girly gene. Thank God that my aunt knew that.

"Valerie, remember when we had Stephanie take the craft class with us at Michael's last fall?" she asked.

"Yeah, it was an absolute disaster. Her pumpkin didn't look like a pumpkin at all. And how did you manage to get glitter in your hair anyway, Steph?" Valerie laughed at me. At least she was remembering that I'm completely hopeless, talentless, and accident-prone in craft settings.

"It wasn't my fault! The lady walking behind me sneezed and blew it all into my hair!"

"Hmm…" Valerie seemed to be deliberating. "Maybe it's best you don't help with that stuff anyway. You'd probably ruin it. You're just not gifted like that." I was completely willing to overlook that affront since it meant that I wouldn't have to help make some sort of silk floral monstrosity.

And then Valerie continued to babble incessantly about other wedding details. When she ran upstairs to get her "Wedding Binder" to show us ideas of what she had in mind, I started trying to find reasons why I needed to leave the house suddenly. Unfortunately, all plausible reasons and people that would cause me to do that were in Uncle Charlie's office, likely keeping him from being charged with first degree murder.

Valerie came back downstairs with a four-inch D ring binder filled with wedding ideas, torn pages from magazines, and fabric swatches.

Good God, if this is how I'm supposed to act if I ever get engaged, I hope somebody commits me. Better yet, I'm just never going to have a big wedding. If I want to get married, I'll elope.

Valerie continued to chatter on for what seemed like hours, but was likely only fifteen minutes. I sat there in relative silence just nodding my head and making "uh-huh" and "mmmhmmm" noises while she showed me pictures of things she liked and thought would make for a nice wedding. First there was a cowboy themed wedding. The pictures were so scary I realized I might actually consider volunteering for a mission before she has me wear a bridesmaid dress with a cowboy hat and boots. Then she brought up getting married at Cinderella's castle in Disney World. Thankfully, Aunt Marjie nixed that harebrained idea, reminding her that she had limited time to plan her wedding and she highly doubted that the Cinderella's castle had an open time slot for her wedding. Then Valerie got to my least liked theme.

All I could think was, "Oh lord, kill me now." She mentioned that he favorite idea was a Southern Belle – Gone with the Wind themed wedding. If only I were a guy. Then I could channel Rhett Butler, tell Valerie, "Frankly my dear, I just don't give a damn," and walk away. I sighed in resignation and continued to listen to the other torturous ideas she was considering for her "dream wedding".

I was seriously considering asking if I could volunteer for some intel gathering mission for the next month. Maybe fieldwork wasn't such a bad idea after all….


	35. Chapter 35

AN: As always, the characters belong to J.E. The story is mine.

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Chpt. 35

"White girl, I can't believe Nicole and Tom split up! I mean, why would she want to leave such a fine piece of ass as Tom Cruise! He might be as white as some ugly tighty-whiteys and all crazy wit' his mumbo-jumbo Scientology whatchamacallit, but I think I could deal wit' that if I gotta sleep wit' him every night!" Lula exclaimed while flipping through People Magazine at Painted Piggies Nail Salon. We were currently sitting in their massaging chairs while our feet were soaked, buffed, massaged, and our toes were polished.

"They're celebrities. Do you actually expect them to stay together?" I asked while Teo, my nail tech, was giving me such an excellent foot massage that I was turning into a pile of Stephanie goo.

"Yes! I need that so I can live through them until I find me my own Prince Charming!"

I just sighed. Lula was impossible. I hoped that one day she'd realize that we all have to save ourselves. Friends are great and provide support, but ultimately we make our lives what we want them to be. We don't need men to save us or make us happy. We all need to be our own Wonder Woman. I tried telling her that sometime in the middle of the semester when she was going on about how she wanted to be a powerful black man's trophy wife. Essentially she told me to shut up and not screw with her dream.

I decided to change the topic of conversation because it'd like make me want to rip out my own hair if I had to listen her go on about to the current one much longer. "So I have news."

"What kind of news? Did ya finally hook up wit' that Army Ranger hottie?"

"Uh, no. There has been no hooking up on my part with anybody. Besides that, I don't know which 'Ranger hottie' you're referring to."

"So what's the four-one-one? I need me some gossip! And I meant Carlos. Or Les. Or Bobby. You know you can't be sleeping wit' my Tankie. You can't handle all that dark chocolate-y goodness. Only a fine black woman like myself can keep up wit' him!"

Oh boy. She still had the hots for Tank. I'd have thought she'd be over him by now since she's only seen him a handful of times. Besides that, she averaged two first dates a week! Yeesh!

"Well anyway. Getting back to what I was going to tell you…yesterday was kind of dramatic. I guess no family holiday would be complete without some sort of excitement, right? So…Valerie got engaged. They're going to get married next month."

"No shit! Why they gettin' married so fast? She ain't ya know, is she?" Lula rubbed her belly at the end of her questioning.

"Yup. So she wants a quick engagement. She doesn't want to be '_one of those_ brides'." I rolled my eyes just thinking about Val's need for an attitude change.

"Oh boy! Is she goin' all bridezilla on yo' ass?"

"Totally. She wanted me to take incompletes in all of my classes this semester so I could be her little bridesmaid bitch."

"Uh-uh, _no she didn't!_ Ya want me to kick her ass for ya?"

"Oh yeah, she totally did, and no thanks on the ass kicking. Aunt Marjie and I both told her that there is no way in hell that'll happen. So anyway, tomorrow I have to go wedding dress shopping with her."

"Oooh! Can I come along? A girl can never start planning her wedding too soon ya know!" I totally face-palmed at that.

"Lula, seriously. How about you find a guy first before you start planning your hypothetical wedding. Besides that, do you _really _want to spend time with a hormonal Valerie? I know I don't and _I'm her_ _sister_!"

"Is she all crazy hormonal and shit? I mean, she was a bitch before on a good day."

"In between the barfing sessions, she has become way more self-absorbed and difficult. So, yeah, I'd say she is."

"Hm…maybe I should reconsider that idea then. I don't want her to be makin' me so stressed that I be cravin' me some Cluck-in-the-Bucket. I'm tryin' to maintain my girlish figure. Ya know Spandex only stretches so much!"

"Probably a good plan," I sighed in relief, thankful to not have to keep Lula from setting off Val tomorrow or watch to see if her Spandex could stretch any further. Her one nip slip last year left me mentally scarred.

"So what type of wedding does she want anyway?"

"As of last night it was a 'Southern Belle with a bit of Gone with the Wind' theme, hoop skirts, parasols and all."

"Woah! Nobody should be wearin' hoop skirts these days. That's just plain wrong. And I dunno, an Antebellum themed wedding should be a total no-go. Now the parasols on the other hand could be kinda fun and don't have to go wit' that theme. Ya never know. Ooh! I just realized, if she gets too bitchy, ya can always whack her upside her blonde, curly head!" Mentally, I shook my head. Listening to Lula, you'd never know she was actually quite intelligent and going to an academically demanding, well-known university. Occasionally I'd hear her use words like "Antebellum" and it'd throw me off. Really, when I get down to it, she's kind of like my aunt. Looks can be deceiving and she is most certainly an example of that.

"So while Val was blathering on about dresses, themes, and flowers, Uncle Charlie was scaring the living shit out of Steve. Carlos and Les went into the office with Steve to make sure Uncle Charlie didn't murder him. Tank and Bobby stood guard outside the door. It was kind of ridiculous, especially since Valerie didn't even notice Steve was gone for a full hour! Only then did she try to go in and Bobby managed to distract her with stuffing and gravy, guiding her away from the door."

"That sounds like they got the makings of a _good_ marriage," Lula said, heavy on the sarcasm. I snort-laughed at that. Lula was generally optimistic about _everything_. If Lula thought something was doomed, it was.

"Yeah, it took my all not to comment that Steve wouldn't last five years, let alone a lifetime, when she was going on and on about how a girl only gets married once in her life."

"Yeah, even I think that'd be a bad idea when it comes to Val and ya know Ima as blunt as a two-by-four."

I laughed. "Yes, yes you are. If I plan on doing something as dumb as getting married to a guy who obviously doesn't love me just because I'm pregnant, stop me, okay? God knows that Val will think getting married to anyone is a good idea and encourage my stupidity. I'd much rather be a single mother."

"Yeah, she gots a lot of effed up ideas about the 'right' way to live yo' life."

"Yeah, the whole idea that you have to be married with two point five kids, a dog, a cat, and a house with a picket fence is way too _Leave It to Beaver_ for me. I want to own my own home and there sure as hell won't be a picket fence! My future boyfriend, life partner, husband, _whatever_ can move in with me."

"You're a _strong woman_. Ya know I admire ya. Wit' yo' parents and everything, ya'd think ya'd be as fruity as a box of Fruity Pebbles™. Hell, you're way stronger than yo' sister. She needs a man to survive. You'll survive all on yo' own."

"See, that's what I've been telling you! You need to be strong enough to survive and thrive on your own. You don't _need_ a Prince Charming!" Holy crap, maybe my message actually got through to her.

"I agree wit' ya. I just want me a Prince Charming. I want the fairytale. My childhood sucked for a while. I want me a better life than that. I want me some unconditional love and stability. I didn't have that until I moved in wit' my dad."

Well, I can't really argue with that. She made sense. Even I want that; I'm just not depending on it coming from a guy. I thought I had that with Mateo and he cheated on me after one stupid argument. But I did have Carlos and Les around to help pick up the pieces. _Some_ guys are dependable and will catch a girl when she falls.

"So what do you think of my toes?" I asked Lula. I was ready to change the subject again. I looked down at my lavender and gold nail polish. I thought it was fun and unique. Then I glanced at Lula's. Hers screamed, "Look at me!" in Big Bird yellow.

"It's pretty and all, but mine is better! Look at that sexy yellow! Ooh! And it's so _shiny_! I love me some shiny nail polish. Sparkly nail polish, too. And shiny, sparkly jewelry…ooh, girl! Ya never told me about Valerie's ring. Is it nice and big?"

Only Lula could connect her pedicure color to Valerie's engagement ring.

"It's ok. It's a Tiffany ring. Diamond solitaire. I think maybe a half carat? Apparently she told Steve it had to be a Tiffany ring, or she wasn't marrying him. I thought that was a crazy thing for her to demand considering she 'has to get married before the baby gets here'. Hell, if he was smart, he would've said, 'See ya! I'll pay you child support!' to that ultimatum."

"Yeah, that's kinda a bitchy thing to say, but it's yo' sister after all."

"Yup. They dated for long enough that he had to have known what she was like. And getting back to your pedi. Yes, your toes look awesome!"

"I know. I've gots tons of style and class when it comes to choosing what to wear and what color to get my nails done in." Well, I suppose when your mother's family profession is being an escort, Lula is classy in comparison.

I spent the rest of the afternoon with her. She made me laugh and forget all about Valerie, her wedding, having to get spy training this summer, and my concerns that I might have made a mistake by signing that contract. I've questioned myself about that daily, but I do feel more comfortable with it since September 11th happened. Thankfully, she chattered enough that she easily drowned out my thoughts and made the time pass incredibly quickly. I was impatient for it to be time to hang with Carlos and Les tonight.

A few hours later when I got to their apartment for take-out, a movie, and just some nice vegging out time with them, I was shocked to see that Carlos was the only one there.

"Where's Les?" I asked him, looking around. The apartment was entirely too quiet for Les to be here.

"He got a hot date for tonight when he was out shopping with the crazy Black Friday shoppers at 0500."

I wrinkled my nose in disgust because she was likely an easy lay. This was considering he only did one night stands and that generally meant his list of requirements was far from demanding. "Seriously? He ditched me tonight for a piece of ass?"

"Sorry, Babe." He threw an arm over my shoulder and kissed the top of my head.

"That's kind of shitty considering it's the only time I get to hang with you guys alone before I head back down to Miami." Carlos just shrugged his shoulders. Typical male response and acceptance that getting some is an adequate reason to ditch friends. Ugh. I decided to change the subject because I didn't want to spend the night mad at Les. Food can always make my mood better.

"So what are we getting for dinner? Something good I hope? You know you have to make up for his dumbass-ness with delicious, unhealthy food!"

"Babe."

"Aw, come on," I whined. "Do you want me to be crab-tastic all night?" Carlos actually let out the tiniest of little breaths which, if you didn't know him, you'd have no idea that it was his version of a sigh.

"Fine. How about Chinese? I can get steamed veggies and some sort of protein that is not deep fried."

"Seriously, what is wrong with some deep fried goodness once in a while? You've been living in the South for long enough to learn some appreciation for the finer things in life – like deep fried anything!"

"It'll go straight to your ass."

"Are you trying to make me crabbier?"

"No, I'm just being honest."

"Are you saying I'm fat?"

"Babe. Really?"

"Well, are you?"

"No. I'm saying I don't want to hear you say that you're fat because you ate one too many donuts, deep fried Twinkies, or buttermilk chicken. I'd have to hear you bitch and moan about it throughout our morning runs and I much prefer our Zen silent runs."

"I wouldn't do that. And since when do you think our runs are Zen?" He gave me a look that clearly says I would and to stop arguing.

"Ok, well my solo runs are Zen. Running with you is more…lively."

"Are you saying I talk too much when we run?"

"I'd never say that, Babe. I love listening to you. Our runs are fun. If you are trying to lose weight while running with me, you'll complain and then they won't be enjoyable."

I couldn't really disagree with that. "Maybe you're right." That garnered me a raised eyebrow that clearly implied that he's always right.

Carlos called and ordered our Chinese food. We negotiated our dinner order. He agreed to get me General Tso's chicken in all it's deep fried glory as long as I only ate half a serving size tonight and share his steamed tofu and broccoli with brown sauce. I figured it was the best offer I was going to get from him.

I moaned my way through the entire meal, including his healthy crap. Even I had to agree that it was actually tasty for something so nutritious. After dinner I cuddled up to him, resting my head on his shoulder and watched Road Trip (my choice) and Mission Impossible 2 (his choice). We laughed throughout Road Trip. Sometimes stupid humor is best. We were both disappointed in Mission Impossible 2. I really wasn't a fan of injecting someone with a deadly strain of a virus so he or she could be used as a weapon. I think what might have bothered me most about the movie was that the story actually seemed plausible now. I seemed to have accepted that there was far more evil in the world than I originally thought since September 11th.

Throughout the movies Carlos idly played with my hair, which strangely I loved. I typically hate people touching my hair because it takes so much effort to make it look like I hadn't been electrocuted – oh the joys of curly hair. He even managed not to mess it up. Talk about a feat!

"You know the hardest part about being in Miami?" I asked him.

"No. What?"

"You guys aren't there."

"Babe."

"No, I'm serious. It's a lot harder to be away from you guys than I thought. I really thought I'd be more used to it considering all the missions you go on. I guess that getting to see you in between them made the separation a little easier."

"I can't speak for the others, but I miss you when you're gone, too." Holy admission, Batman! I wasn't expecting that.

"Ever think we'll have stable lives, where we don't travel all that much, and we live close to each other?" Sometimes I wonder what he thought of or wished for in his future.

"I hope so."

"Me, too."

Just then Les and some girl with insanely teased hair and overly tanned skin practically fell through the door to the apartment.

"Baby, hold on. Give me a second to guide us to my room," he told her.

"I don't know if I can wait that long," she moaned into his mouth. And he pushed her up against the wall, groping her ass.

"Santos!" Carlos shouted. That seemed to get Les' attention. "Take it to the bedroom. Steph really doesn't need to see this."

That seemed to get his attention and he looked over at me, slightly embarrassed and apologetic. "Oh, hey, Beautiful."

"You're an ass," I told him.

"You wound me."

"Doubt it."

"Anyway, we'll see you later, Cuz. Night, Beautiful. See you at Christmas most likely," he told me, pushing his bar bimbo into his bedroom.

I scrunched up my face in disgust. "Eww. What ever happened to having taste?"

"Babe." I wasn't entirely sure what that meant, but it probably fell into the category of, "It's Les, what did you expect?"

And then the moans started and the springs in the bed sprung to life. "Oh, baby, baby, you're so hot. You've an amazing ass…" I could hear Les say in an abnormally-for-him-deep voice.

I just turned and looked at Carlos. It was what I imagined would be the poor dialogue in a porno. "You live with _that_? On that note I'm going to go home now. I just don't want to listen to this…" I was interrupted by Bar Bimbo's moan of ecstasy, "Yeah, definitely time to go home."

We got up and walked to the door. I hugged Carlos fiercely and kissed his cheek. "You know I love you right?" I asked him.

"Babe." That one meant, "Of course." This whole one-word vocabulary and response was getting to the point of ridiculousness, but I loved him unconditionally so I just accepted it.

Then he shocked me because he had never verbalized his feelings towards me. "I love you, too…in my own way." He kissed me on the forehead and walked me to my car. "Drive safely."

"Always," I replied. He just raised an eyebrow at me, silently telling me I was full of shit. "Ok, I promise."

"Night."

"Night."

* * *

_November 28, 2001_

_Song of the Day: 3 Doors Down, "Be Like That"_

_So I hung out with Carlos tonight – alone. Les was supposed to hang with us, but he ditched me for some girl he met while he was Black Friday shopping. He even came back with her and I had to hear them. Ew. Just ew. I didn't need to see him grope her ass or hear them. If only I could forget that. Gross! _

_I think there was one upside to being ditched though. At the end of the night I told Carlos I love him. Crazy, right? I doubt I'd have had the courage to say that if I had spent the evening with both Carlos and Les. _

_I'm sure Carlos thinks it's in a sisterly way, but I know now. I really __**love**__ him. I kind of think __**he's it**__ for me. I've had a ton of time to think about it due to my serious bouts of insomnia. I couldn't figure out why I was more upset about Carlos possibly going after al-Qaeda than Les, Bobby, or Tank. It took me a while, but I realized why. _

_I know I told Lula that she needs to be able to make it on her own; that Prince Charming is great in theory, but a girl can't depend on him to survive. And I believe it. There is no guarantee that I will ever have a chance to be with Carlos. He lives a dangerous life, and it's likely that in some ways I will, too. _

_Love is no guarantee. We all have to be able to take care of ourselves because you just never know what will happen. _


	36. Chapter 36

AN: Happy Columbus Day to all of those in the U.S.

Many thanks to my beta, Got2BaBabeFan, who willing reads multiple versions some chapters and helps me choose the right one, in addition to correcting grammar and spelling errors.

As always, all characters you recognize are the property of Janet Evanovich. All mistakes are mine alone.

* * *

Chpt. 36

I finished the Fall semester of my freshman year in college with relative ease. I even managed to get through my Winter break and Valerie's wedding without strangling her. I know she planned everything quickly and that causes more stress, but if that's what goes into planning a wedding there's just no way that I want to deal with planning my own. No way, no how. I'm definitely eloping _if_ I ever get married. I'll be crooning "Viva Las Vegas" all the way to the drive-thru.

_When I returned home for winter break, I found the living and dining rooms filled with silk flower arrangements, little bags filled with Jordan almonds, and a very frazzled looking aunt. Uncle Charlie looked pretty mellow, but he had a tumbler filled with scotch in his hand. He is a man that organizes and sends men on dangerous missions and always remains calm and collected, rarely if ever uses alcohol to dull his stress. I wasn't sure if it was planning and paying for Valerie's wedding or just dealing with Valerie herself that drove him to tipple. _

_Within an hour of my arrival the bride had me trying on the most awful bridesmaid dress known to man. I actually had to wear a hoop skirt underneath the dress. The only good thing about the dress was that she chose a pretty sky blue color that brought out my eyes. I guess that was her version of being thoughtful. The other bridesmaids were in sea foam green, buttercup yellow, and cotton candy pink. _

_The morning of the wedding arrived and I awoke to the sounds of a pregnant woman retching in the bathroom right next to my bedroom. Who needs an alarm clock when you have a bride with morning sickness in the house? Once Val's stomach finally settled we went to the salon to have our hair styled into fancy up-dos. _

"_Do you think you can tame her hair so she doesn't look so Medusa-ish?" Val asked the stylist working on my hair. I just clenched my teeth and gave her a closed-mouth grin. I love my sister, I love my sister, I love my sister, I mentally chanted to myself. _

_I continued to chant that while we helped her get dressed in the basement of the church. Sadly, all my positive mental chanting could lessen my desire to sucker punch Val-zilla in the nose._

"_Make sure not to mess up my hair!" she screeched at us as she was stepping into her monstrosity of a dress. None of us were even close to touching her hair let alone messing it up._

_Once it was time to walk down the aisle to Pachelbel's Cannon in D, I fixed Val's dress so that it would flow properly behind her as she walked, all the while she hissed at me that she couldn't see through her veil. I told her to wait five counts and then just walk straight and she'd be fine because Uncle Charlie wouldn't let her fall flat on her face._

_I almost felt sorry for Steve when I saw his face while I walked down the aisle. He looked as green as Valerie did this morning. They got through the ceremony. Surprisingly Steve actually went through with the vows. I thought he'd say he couldn't marry her in the middle and then run out of the church. I lost ten bucks to Les on that bet._

_The reception was…nice. The venue had good food and it would have looked pretty if my sister hadn't made her own decorations. It just looked like a little old lady's house with all the silk flower arrangements. _

_Val positively glowed during the first dance and Steve looked downright miserable. I watched them dance for half the song and then I went to the bar where my uncle was unsurprisingly stationed. _

"_Having a good time?" I asked. The poor man snorted. I had never seen him do that before. Val had a way of bringing out the best of us._

"_Oh sure. Nothing like wasting fifteen grand on a wedding. We're already putting money aside for the inevitable divorce and a place for her to live afterward because God knows, I don't think I'd be able to live with her and a bunch of rugrats and remain sane," he told me. I raised my eyebrows at that. It was sad that we all saw the writing on the wall except for Valerie, but what was surprising to me was my aunt and uncle's fatalism and generosity, a strange combination. I wouldn't put money aside for the end of Valerie's marriage. I'd tell her that she made her bed and now she has to sleep in it, but I'm a bitch like that. _

"_Well, at least the wedding planning is over," I told him. _

"_I'll toast to that," and he signaled the bartender to get me the same as his. He must have been three sheets to the wind if he was getting me a glass of scotch. We spent the rest of the night, drinking scotch, talking, and laughing. We even danced a few times together. Aunt Marjie was mad that Uncle Charlie and I were a little snookered, but halfway through she was tipsy as well and had fun with us._

_Even though my aunt and uncle wasted a lot of money and we had to endure Val-zilla, we had a lot of fun. It even felt like we were a "normal" family and that was priceless._

When I returned to Miami, I spent my Spring semester studying foreign languages, policy, and cultures. I continued running to keep the flan, donut, and beer weight off, and hung out with Lexi and Abuela in my spare time. I tried to convince Lexi to run with me so I'd have a jogging partner, but she disliked exercise way more than I ever did. Plus, as she put it, "A real, sexy woman has curves," and she had enough difficulty getting her them. She was naturally supermodel skinny and she wanted to keep what little boobs and booty she had.

We were currently in the library, studying for the finals we'd have to take in two weeks. As long as we studied and did the work, we got good grades. Lexi was working on her prerequisite and core classes. Since I already knew what I was going for, my classes were more focused than hers. It helped that I came in with all of my Arabic language and culture credit hours.

"Seriously, why do I need to know about Michelangelo, Rembrandt, Vermeer, Gaughin, Kadinsky, and Warhol? I mean, how is it really going to help me in life?" Lexi whispered at me.

"Um…it will make you more a well-rounded person?" I say uncertainly.

"No, it'll just make me a poorer person. Credit hours are expensive and I'm wasting my money on a class that will never help me in life."

"Well, by taking the core curriculum classes you figure out what you do and don't like. It'll help you be more focused in the future?"

"You know that's total bullshit."

I sighed. "I was trying to find the upside."

"There is no upside."

I went back to studying about Latin American history. I was contemplating _los desaparecidos_ and how leaders can manipulate their people using terrorism as a reason to kill thousands of people, many of whom were innocent, in the name of the safety and well-being of their country. Would that happen here? Would the U.S. repeat the history of Argentina? I hoped not, but we already did something similar with the Japanese internment camps during World War II. I hope we wouldn't be that dumb to repeat our mistakes, but even I could see how easy it was to give blind loyalty to your political leaders when you feel that your country is threatened.

"So do you think the U.S. government will put Middle Eastern people living in America, specifically Iraqis and Muslims, in internment camps like we did with the Japanese in World War II?" I asked Lexi. She just stared at me, her mouth gaping open.

"Uh, what?"

"Think about it. The U.S. is seriously considering going to war with Iraq. Haven't you been listening to the news at all? And they're also talking about al-Qaeda, which is a extreme jihadist movement. So if you consider that, do you think our government will look at people with backgrounds that somehow are connected to basically the Middle East as threats and will segregate them from the rest of the population?"

"I've never given it any thought," she replied to me. I sighed. I loved this girl, but sometimes I wonder what she spends her time thinking about.

"Okay. Never mind then." And I went back to studying about Latin America's history for another hour when Lexi's phone buzzed. I just looked at her, raising both of my eyebrows. Maybe one day I'd figure out how to do that one-eyebrow raise.

She flipped her phone open and smiled, "Hey, just give me a minute. I'm in the library and can't talk. Let me get outside."

Five minutes later she came bouncing back to our table the window that we had commandeered from a couple that went up to the stacks to make out. Lexi judged me for spying on them. I only did it to make sure I wasn't taking over someone's table who would actually return to study. Plus, I needed to practice my surreptitious skills in preparation for this summer.

"Guess what?" Her voice was way to loud for the library and a few people looked over at us and glared. I just raised both of my brows in response. "Les and Carlos are coming down this weekend for a a few days!"

Immediately I perked up. I had missed them so much this past semester, barely getting any emails or phone calls from them due to all the missions they went on. Then I had limited time to spend with them since half of my winter break was spent helping with the wedding from hell. Now I had something to look forward to this weekend. My previous plans were to study and go to the Lambda Chi's Spring Fever party this weekend, which I had been planning on going to only due to lack of other entertainment options.

"Really? When are they getting here?" I was so excited I was about ready to show some spirit fingers. At that thought I realized I really needed to stop watching movies with Lexi considering she was the one that made me watch _Bring It On_.

"They're driving down Thursday. I told them that we both have our night class that night so we wouldn't really be able to see them. Les told me 'to have no fear because [he'd] find some beer.'"

I choked on my laughter. Lester the Jester was apparently in full swing, even breaking out a truly awful rhyme.

"Wow. Did you tell him how lame he sounded?" I couldn't help myself; I just had to ask.

"Oh yeah. Carlos, Tank, and Bobby told him he needed to work on that. I think Bobby told him that it he was lucky he was talking to his sister since I wouldn't judge him too harshly and that if he used something like that in a bar, '[he'd] never get pussy.'"

"Ew, sometimes I really hate listening to them talk. I don't want to think about that. Seeing him with his 'date' Thanksgiving weekend was bad enough."

"Just think of how I feel. _I'm his sister_." Lexi shuddered.

* * *

Thursday seemed like it would never arrive and now that it had, Lexi and I were stuck in our Geology 101 class that went from 1800 to 2100. I was never particularly enthralled with the class to begin with, but tonight was worse than normal because my anticipation at seeing the guys was making time drag on. I assumed Lexi likely felt the same way considering she kept jiggling her foot and tapping her pen on the table.

Professor Kovach, who was known for his clichéd sense of humor, was lecturing on plate tectonics. In honor of the subject he wore a t-shirt with a convergent boundary and the phrase "Not my fault". I admit to smiling a little when I saw it. Lexi, who is generally more tolerant of corny jokes than I am, just rolled her eyes. Yup, neither of us wanted to be here. Unfortunately, this was the next to last class we had before the final and it wasn't like missing a day class that only lasted an hour. If we skipped, it would have been equivalent to missing _three_ classes. That was the only reason why we even came tonight.

When class was _finally_ over, Lexi and I hightailed it out of class, both of us calling the guys in hopes that we could find out where they were and meet up. The guys didn't answer their cell phones though.

"Yo, we just got out of class. Give me a call back so we can meet up with you," I left on Carlos voicemail. I was hoping things would get back to normal between us with this visit.

Lexi's message for Les epitomized little sister. "Hey, where are you? We want to meet up with you! I swear, I'm going to make you pay if you don't call me back soon. Remember, I know where you'll be sleeping!"

I rolled my eyes at her. "Really? If you want to prank him, don't give him forewarning."

"I don't want to prank him! I was just threatening so he'd return my call."

"Never make threats you don't intend to keep," I advised her. Dear lord, I have spent way too much time with military men!

Unfortunately, they never called us back. Lexi ended up returning home around 2300 and I fell asleep on the couch at home, waiting for the guys to get home. When I woke up at 0700 on Friday morning, Abuela told me that Ranger and Tank never came back last night. I was disappointed. I _really_ wanted to see them, well Carlos at least. I like Tank, but he's not the most loquacious person I've ever met, making it hard to get to know him. I didn't even know his real name until Thanksgiving and I've known the man for _years_!

I changed into my running shorts and sports bra, twisted my hair up into a quick messy bun, slipped on my sunglasses and iPod, and took off for my morning run. I turned up the sound on my earbuds to eardrum-shattering levels, trying to drown out my thoughts with The Used's self-titled album. Sadly, it didn't work.

I wanted to know where the guys were last night, why they didn't call us back. And then I realized, _I really didn't want to know_. I'm sure I wouldn't like whatever – sorry, _whoever_ Carlos was doing last night. I might like to go in Denial Land about a lot of things, but I learned with Mateo and now Carlos that ignoring things makes you hurt longer than if you were realistic from the get-go. And he didn't look at me _that_ way. If only he didn't see me as a little sister. If only...

Right after the ball dropped on New Year's Eve Carlos kissed me. And I don't mean a friendly peck on the lips. There was tongue and wandering hands for a good five minutes. I thought that it meant something to Carlos. I thought things were changing between us. I thought wrong. The next morning, he blamed beer goggles, saying he didn't realize he kissed _me_. I didn't ask who he _thought_ he was kissing. My heart already hurt enough and then he told me again that he loved me, _in his own way_. Apparently that didn't mean in the romantic sense.

So I pretended like we never kissed. I told him I knew it was a drunken mistake. I might've been trying to hurt him a little with my word choice like he hurt me. Immature, I know. Immediately, I felt guilty for even trying to hurt him – not that I did. His face, his eyes…he didn't react at all. And that only made me hurt more. Karma – she's a bitch like that.

So we returned to our close-friend-in-a-very-_platonic_-way relationship. We ignored said kiss, which was easy to do since we haven't actually seen each other since New Year's. I had to get back to school and the guys were sent on a sudden exfiltration mission the following day.

Once Carlos was back stateside, we went back to our norm. We emailed about family, friends, school, plans for the future. I didn't bring up the fact that I suddenly became a serial first dater à la Lula, nor the reason behind my sudden interest in finding a boyfriend. And he didn't bring up his one night stands, not that he did before. I'm just assuming he had them. He always kept that separate from me, which probably made it easier for me to deny the fact that he just wasn't into me.

I know that Les was aware that I had a very active social life thanks to Lexi. I love that girl, but sometimes she needs to learn to keep her mouth shut, or maybe her fingers from typing – whichever. For whatever reason Les decided to email me about my dating life and safe sex. It's kind of laughable and incredibly embarrassing considering it was coming from Les, but I suppose it was well-meaning.

"_So Lexi said you're on a mission to find a new boyfriend or at the very least a fuck buddy. Seriously?! __**A fuck buddy?! Have you lost your mind?**__ You're not a friends-with-benefits type of girl. You're the girl guys bring home to meet their mother. You're the marrying type of girl. Don't sell yourself short if you have got an itch you can't scratch yourself. And if that's the case, I will totally take you to a sex store and buy you your own battery operated best friend when I see you next. Or would you prefer a shower massager? I hear those are good, too._

_And if you find a boyfriend that we – okay that __**I**__ approve of, because we both know that Ranger will never approve of __**any**__ guy you date, I'll even take you to Planned Parenthood to go on the pill so you don't get pregnant. I'll even buy you a super-sized box of condoms, too. I'm too young to be an uncle. (My older sister's kids don't count since I haven't seen them in years and I told Lexi she's not allowed to date.)_

_I know Marjie went over the whole safe sex and how to avoid getting an STD, but I'm just going to reiterate. __**Always use a condom**_**.**"

I don't discuss my sex life at all so Les' email was mortifying. The only thing I've told Lexi or Lula about my sex life was that I wasn't a virgin and I refuse to talk to the guys about it for obvious reasons. I wasn't like the Samantha or Carrie on _Sex in the City_. There was no discussing my sex life (or current lack thereof) over mimosas at Sunday brunch with my best friends. It's just not who I am. It took me two days before I could respond to him and I think I blushed the two hours it took me to write a grand total of three sentences.

_Thanks for the concern. I know what I'm doing and am already on the pill. Maybe I'll take you up on a new best friend. *__**Wink**__*_

Even though I didn't feel like actually winking, or joking, I was trying to make light of the whole thing. If you joke about it, you play it off, right? Thankfully, Les dropped the topic.

Without realizing it I ran my long route and made it back home in under an hour. I guess the upside to being lost in thought was that I didn't even pay attention to my self-inflicted exercise torture. I walked into the kitchen, immediately heading for the coffee pot. I turned around, jumping and spilling my coffee when I saw Carlos was sitting at the table and looking at me.

I yanked my earbuds out. "Uh, morning," I said before grabbing a handful of paper towels to wipe up the floor.

"Babe. You really need to be more aware of your surroundings. Is that what you wore running?"

I sighed. "Sorry, I had my earbuds in."

"Babe." I groaned again. It was amazing how one words could imply a fifteen-minute lecture. Yes, I know better than to run by myself and have my music cranked so loud that I can't hear someone come up from behind me.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Loud music makes it so I can't be aware of my surroundings."

"Is that what you wore running around Miami?" He looked me up and down. I could feel his disapproval from across the room.

"Hey! It's hot out there. There is nothing wrong with this." I looked down at my sweat-soaked running shorts, sports bra, and sneakers. Ok, so maybe I could have worn a shirt over it, but it was 85 degrees and 80 percent humidity at 0700. I was just trying to survive the weather.

"You need to be more covered up."

"Seriously?"

"Babe."

"Oh my God. This is how you want to start your visit? By scolding me? I can't believe I was actually looking forward to seeing you!" And then I stalked off to take a long shower and sulk.

I spent extra time getting ready, making sure my hair wouldn't get frizzy, and that my make-up was flawless. I even put on a tight tank top, short floral skirt, and wedge sandals. As every girl with hurt feelings knows, my hair, makeup, and clothes are a form of armor. I wanted to look so good that he regretted rejecting me.

I grabbed my messenger bag, made sure I had my laptop and everything I needed for my classes for the day. I had planned on skipping my two hour-long classes today, but after my little run-in, I decided going to class would be a better way to spend my time.

When I walked back into the kitchen Abuela, Carlos, and Tank were sitting at the table, drinking coffee and eating their breakfasts. Tank looked a little grayish, making me think he was hung-over. I debated about testing my theory by making a lot of noise, but decided that he didn't deserve my attitude this morning.

"Morning," I said, grabbing a to-go mug for my coffee, and a croissant from the plate on the counter.

"_¿__Vas a la Universidad? Pienso que habías decido hacer los novillos hoy," _Abuela asked me. [You're going to school? I thought you'd decided to skip today.]

"_Sí. Tengo que estudiar y escribir mis ensayos para el fin del semestre.__Queda solamente una semana más.__Entonces, no tendré que hacer mucha tarea cuando están acá esta fin de semana." _[Yes. I have to study and write my term papers for the end of the semester. There's only one more week left. That way, I won't have to do a lot of homework while they're here this weekend.]

Abuela just looked at me funny because she knew I had already finished a lot of my papers and was caught up on my studying. The guys on the other hand didn't. I prayed that she'd let my little lie slide.

"Anyone want more coffee while I'm right here?" I asked, standing at the coffee maker and holding up the coffee pot.

"Yes, please," Tank said, holding up his mug. I walked over and refilled his mug.

"When do you think you'll be back, Babe?"

"Probably around two-ish? I'm not sure. Jason was talking about doing something and I don't know if he meant this afternoon or tonight," I said throwing out the name of the guy I had been very casually seeing for the past month. We hadn't committed to anything at this point and we most certainly hadn't slept together. I saw Tank's eyebrows go up at the mention of Jason.

"Jason?" Carlos asked, neither his voice nor face giving away anything. He'd gotten better at his blank face. Bastard.

"Yeah, we've been dating for a month. We'll see where it goes." I gave a brilliant smile. They didn't have to know the details or lack thereof. Abuela and Tank both gave me small smiles. Carlos' blank face fell and he openly glared at me.

"You didn't tell me you were dating anyone."

"And I won't until I decide it's _more_ than just _fun_. Why should I subject them to the Carlos Mañoso inquisition unless I'm planning on marrying him?" I might have taken that a bit too far, but I wasn't going to tell him about my love life. It was none of his business since he rejected me and he needed to know that. "Anyway, I gotta go. I don't want to be late for class. I'll call you later. Maybe. Bye!"

I gave a little finger wave as I turned to leave. While I was heading for the door, Tank got up and opened the fridge door to hide the full smile on his face, his shoulders shaking in laughter. Jerk.

I made it to my car and took off for school. I needed some breathing room and we hadn't even spent fifteen minutes together. Ugh. Why had I been looking forward to their visit again?


	37. Chapter 37

AN: As always, characters you recognize are JE's. Story and alternate universe are mine. All mistakes are, as always, mine and mine alone.

* * *

Chpt. 37

"You're telling me that you told Carlos that maybe you'd hang out with him on this visit? I thought you were excited to see him! Why are you blowing him off?" Lexi asked me while we were in line to get coffee at the snack bar in the library. She decided to join me and work on a term paper when she realized Les was too hung over to do anything until most likely the late afternoon.

"He was giving me shit about what I wore jogging." Even to my ears that sounded like a lame excuse. Apparently, Lexi agreed based on the disbelieving look she gave me.

"And? He's always wanted to cover you up. You're hot. He knows it and doesn't want guys ogling you. This is nothing new. So why is it bothering you now?"

"I don't know."

"Steph. Are you really going to lie to me?"

I sighed. We might not have the same academic interests, life experiences, or even maturity levels, but the girl was a human lie detector test. And since she knew me well, she didn't have to pay attention to me to know when I was lying to her.

"I just didn't like it. I hate that he chose to start our visit that way. Why would he start it by saying something he knew would bother me?"

"You really think he was just trying to push your buttons?" Lexi was looking at me like I needed to get my head checked if I actually believed that.

"Maybe."

"You're full of shit and you know it."

"Am not!"

"Oh my God, you didn't just try to argue with me like you're a preschooler."

"I don't know what you're talking about." I looked out the window and watched the breeze move the palm trees.

"Steph, you've always been a bit in love with him. So why would you throw 'dating' Jason in his face? You look at Jason as a fun guy to go to the movies with, nothing else."

I didn't respond for a while. I played with the coffee stirrer and continued looking out the window for a couple minutes, mentally debating how much to reveal to Lexi.

"Maybe I want him to think somebody wants to be with me even if he doesn't."

"You really think he doesn't want to be with you?" she scoffed at me.

"Not think. I _know_." I bit my lip to keep myself from crying like I wanted but refused to do. Lexi gave me an assessing look.

"How do you know?" Lexi asked me in a much softer tone.

"Because he told me."

"When did he tell you?"

"New Year's day."

"You really believe that?"

"Yes! Look, we made out for a few minutes at midnight and then the next morning he told me he messed up because he didn't realize he was _kissing me_!" Lexi visibly winced. "Yeah. So, whatever he feels for me, he doesn't like me like that. I think he's just overprotective because I'm like his little sister."

"He doesn't look at you like a sister!"

"Well, he doesn't look at me in the romantic sense. He doesn't want me!"

"He lied to you. He had to have because all of us watch how you guys look at each other and interact. He's in love with you."

"You weren't there! You didn't hear him tell me he only made out with me because he was drunk. He said outright that he wouldn't have kissed me otherwise."

"I don't know _why_ he lied to you, but I'm positive he did."

"Lexi, drop it. Please."

"I can't! He's in love with you and you're throwing Jason, who you said kisses like a St. Bernard, in his face. You're going to make things worse if you keep lashing out at him."

"I'm not lashing out!"

"You threw Jason in his face. You acted like you're indifferent about seeing him on this visit. That's lashing out in a passive aggressive way."

"I don't mean to lash out, but his behavior pissed me off this morning and I couldn't stop myself."

"I can understand that and I get that you want to hurt him back, but lashing out shows that he hurt you. I doubt you want that."

I groaned and put my head in my hands. "No, I really don't…. I think I found your career path. Go into counseling or psychology or something like that."

"I'll think about it, but right now we're going to plan out how you're going to deal with Carlos this weekend." Instead of working on our papers we worked on Operation Just Friends.

* * *

Following Lexi's plan, I called Carlos to see if I could meet up with them. I nibbled on my left thumb nail while I waited for him to answer his cell phone.

"Yo."

"Yo yourself. We're uh…done for the day. Can we maybe meet up with you guys?" I tentatively asked. Apparently I didn't sound quite right because Lexi elbowed me in the ribs. "Oomph!"

"You okay, Babe?"

"Uh, yeah. Lexi tripped and fell into my side, that's all…. So um, can we hang out with you guys today or are you busy?" Lexi rolled her eyes at me and scribbled out "TOO TIMID" on the back of one of her old exams. I flipped her off.

"Everyone's at Abuela's; hanging out by the pool. She's making a whole bunch of food for dinner. We were thinking about doing a guys' night after and going to Batista's after." Pretty sure that is code for the guys were looking to hook-up. Talk about awkward.

"Oh, yeah, no that's cool if you guys have plans later. Don't worry about it." If they were looking to find a one-night stand, I wanted to find a date and make Carlos watch him pick me up, but that went against Lexi's plan. Ugh!

"We can all hangout until then though."

"Yeah, sure. I'll see you at home. Bye." Immediately, I flipped my phone closed. I had to get off the phone as quickly possible.

"How'd it go?" Lexi asked as soon as I was off the phone.

"Uh…well, the guys are planning on going to Batista's after dinner at Abuela's. So you know…even though he didn't say it, you and I both know the guys are looking to get laid."

"You okay, Steph?"

"Oh sure. I just need a dozen Boston Cream Donuts, a couple pints of Ben and Jerry's, and a weekend watching Ghostbusters on repeat while I cuddle with Marshmallow and Slimer."

"That good, huh?"

"Ugh," I sighed as we walked out to our cars. I spent the drive home reminding myself that it's better to know that Carlos doesn't return my feelings. I can date whomever I want, I mentally chanted to myself. Maybe I could convince Lexi to go out with me tonight. We could find our own hook-ups. I wouldn't mind making out with someone. It'd be a good distraction.

Unfortunately, that didn't stop my heart from aching when I got home and saw him.

"Babe." He pulled me into a tight hug and kissed the top of my head. "How were your classes?"

"Eh, fine. Same old, same old. How was your day?"

"I think the four of us spent the day hung over."

"I'd say it sucks to be you, but that was your choice. You get no sympathy from me." We walked to the house, his arm still slung over my shoulders.

"Last night was worth it."

I chose not to comment. Operation Just Friends depended on me not unleashing my Italian temper on him. I just needed to go back into denial. That'd keep my temper in check. I needed a change in conversation to help my chances of going into denial. Then wonderful smells wafted out of the kitchen, giving me an easy out. "What's Abuela making for dinner?"

"_Arroz con pollo_, _papas rellenos_, _ropa vieja_, _morcilla_, _frijoles negros_, _flan_, and _pastelitos de guayaba_." [Chicken with rice, stuffed and fried mashed potatoes, beef stew, blood sausage, black beans, flan, and little hand pies filled with guava.]

"Mmmm, I can't wait," I moaned.

"Babe." Carlos shifted around a little uncomfortably.

"What?"

He just laughed and walked away.

"What?" I yelled after him.

"Maybe I'll tell you one day," he called over his shoulder.

Thankfully, we interacted like we always do. Maybe I could fake it until I made it, so to speak.

"Beautiful!" Les picked me up, spinning me around.

"Hey! How's my favorite Army Ranger?" I smiled up at him while giving him a big hug.

"Don't let Ranger hear you say that."

"Why not? I'm allowed to have a fave."

"Sure, you explain to him why he's no longer your favorite, even though you're closest to him."

"I don't think we're as close as you think we are, but it doesn't really matter. Besides, you're my favorite today because you don't give me shit about what I wear when I go running."

"Yeah, I heard about that. Can't you wear a shirt?" he sighed. "Remember, I'm one of two people that deal with him when you get him all worked up."

"Do you wear a shirt jogging when it's over 80 degrees and 80 percent humidity?" I poked him in the chest.

"No, but I'm a guy. I can get away with it."

"I wore a sport bra. I was appropriately covered."

Les rolled his eyes at me. "When are you going to realize that he's possessive of you and doesn't want any guys to see what he considers his?"

"I realized that theory is full of crap at New Year's," I replied narrowing my eyes at him. "Doesn't matter anyway. I can and will do whatever I want. I'm going to go change and lay out by the pool. And just to prove my point, I'll wear my skimpiest bikini! See you out there."

I went back to my room and changed into a royal blue bikini, flip flops, oversized sunglasses and a big floppy hat. I grabbed a beach towel from the linen closet and walked into the kitchen to greet Abuela before heading out to the pool.

"_Hola, Abuela_," I said.

"_Estefanía, ¿cómo fue tu día?_" [Stephanie, how was your day?]

"_Así-así, ¿y tú__?_" [So-so, you?]

"_Así-así, también. Tuve que calmarse a Carlos. No le gustaría argumentar contigo__." [So-so also. I had to calm Carlos. He didn't like arguing with you.]_

"_¡Lo comenzó!_" [He started it!]

"_Sí, pero ya le molestaba su disputa._" [Yes, but your guys' fight still bothered him.]

I just sighed. "¿_Y lo qué me aconsejas hacer?_" [And what do you recommend I do?]

"_Ten paciencia. No ya están listas._" [Be patient. You guys aren't ready yet.]

"_¿No estamos listas para qué?" _[We're not ready for what?]

"_Sabes__._" [You know.]

"_No __sé lo que hablas__._" [I don't know what you're talking about.]

"_Piensa y te darás cuenta del carácter de tu relación con Carlos. Ahora, disfruta tu tiempo con él y tus amigos._" [Think and you'll realize the nature of your relationship with Carlos. Now, enjoy your time with him and your friends.] And with that she shooed me out of the kitchen.

I laid out my towel on one of the loungers and then stretched out on it, sighing at the stress of everything. Why did everyone think Carlos and I were going to get together? Everyone thought they knew better than me and considering Carlos is the one that said nothing would come of our kiss, I trusted the source a lot more than everyone else's observations.

"Babe, why don't you wear something that covers you up more?"

"I feel like we had this argument years ago. What did Lexi and I say then?" That just earned me a glare.

"I swear every time I see you, your bikini choice gets smaller and smaller," he grumbled.

I raised my eyebrows. "Why do you even care about my bathing suit? Or my running clothes? It's not like I'm hanging out at the beach topless. I am covered."

"Babe."

"That's not an explanation."

"You don't know how guys think."

"I dated Mat for over a year and I can't even calculate how much time I've spent with the four of you. I'm pretty sure I have an idea of how guys think."

"You'll just attract the wrong type of guy when you wear that stuff."

"Am I allowed to attract and date another guy? It seems to me that every time I do, it just pisses you off."

"Your taste in men is questionable."

"What does that say about you then?" I couldn't keep the snippiness out of my voice. I couldn't keep myself from that jab, especially since he already knew I had feelings for him. Operation Just Friends has just failed.

"It's one of the reasons why I pushed you away."

"So you do have feelings for me then?"

"That's never been a question, Babe. I've always cared for you, but I'm not a good guy. Not right now. I do bad stuff to bad people. You know that."

"I helped do some of that bad stuff."

"You only helped once and it almost broke you. It's never had that effect on me. It might mess me up some and cause me to do some fucked up shit when I get home, but it's _never _causedme the amount of pain it caused you.I'm pretty sure that makes me a sick son of a bitch."

"So, you're saying you think there's something wrong with you and you're not good enough?"

"Yes."

I rubbed my temples. His reasoning was ridiculous. "I don't understand. You're the best man I know, regardless of how you deal with the nature of your work. And I can deal with the missions and uncertainty. Haven't I proven that?"

"Babe. Don't make this harder than it has to be."

"It wouldn't be hard if you'd just let yourself love me!"

"That's never been an issue. Like I told you before, I love you – in my own way."

I sighed. "I want to be with you and if you love me, I'd think you'd want to be with me, too."

"I'm not at that point in my life where a relationship is feasible. You're still in college and figuring out what you want out of life."

"I've been certain for _years_ that I want you and I don't see that changing!"

"Maybe we can be together someday, but I'm not going to ask you to wait for me."

"What if I want to wait?"

"Then I'm telling you outright: do _not_ wait for me. I'm a bad bet in the long-run. I could die during any mission. Live your life. Find a nice accountant to marry so that you can have kids, a house, and a white picket fence."

I took a deep breath and looked around the backyard for the first time since we started talking. I had completely missed Lexi's arrival. She and the guys were playing water volleyball while Carlos and I argued about our future. And to think, this morning I thought there wasn't even a chance at having mutual future.

"So, what, risk analysts wouldn't want to insure your life? I want to be with you and see you as often as I can."

"You're important to me. Hell, you're probably the most important person in my life. That's why I always make time for you. I want to see you and spend time with you, too, but I don't want you to love me. I'm not worth the risk and I don't want you to feel the pain of losing a loved one again."

"I survived that loss before and I could survive it again! I already love you. So why keep me at arms length?" I hoped my argument broke through Carlos' hard head.

"Steph, just stop. I already told you. We wouldn't work right now." Shit, he called me Steph. He _rarely_ uses me name. That means he's serious.

"You're not giving us a chance."

"I'm not going to fuck us up by committing to you when I know I can't. I'm sorry, Babe."

And with that he got up and went into the house, leaving me confused, hurt, and loved and cared for all at the same time. I laid by the pool in complete shock. He admitted to loving me in his own way, but this time it didn't sound like the kiss of death like it did on New Year's. At least that was a step in the right direction.

Dinner was a boisterous affair with Abuela, the guys, Lexi and her family, and me. Thankfully there were enough people around that nobody noticed that Carlos and I didn't participate in the conversation. Thinking about it, I doubt anybody actually noticed that Carlos was quieter than normal considering he is generally the most reticent person in the large group. After dinner, the Santos family and the guys left, leaving me alone in the house with Abuela. We sat at the kitchen table, nursing cups of tea.

"Carlos and I…we talked when we were out by the pool. What did you mean that Carlos and I aren't ready? He said the same thing." I inquired.

"It means that neither of you are ready to commit to one another right now. If you did, you might ruin what you have now and any possibility of a future, regardless of what you mean to each other," she explained gently, rubbing my hand.

"But why do you think that?"

"You're both young, _cariña__. _I have no doubt that you're _compañeros del alma_,but you're too youngto get married. You both need more time to grow into who you're meant to be and you're both too independent to do that together." [sweetie, soul mates]

"You really think so?"

"_Sí_." [Yes.]

"What happens if we meet other people? Maybe he'll meet someone he gets along with or understands him better…." My voice trailed off in fear.

"Maybe, but in the end he will always return to you and vice versa. You're meant to be together. Just not yet."

"I'm ready now though."

"You might think so, but you're only 19 and he's only 24."

"How old were you when you got married?"

"I was 18 and Ricardo was 20, but that was a different time."

"But I'm not trying to get married right now. I just want to be with him."

"In good time, _carina_, in good time." Abuela got up and started to wash the teapot. [sweetie]

"I'm going to go bed now," I told her. I had a lot to think about. I fell asleep in my thinking position, face up, arms outstretched on the bed. Hours later I woke up to a very drunk Carlos crawling into bed with me.

"_Lo siento, querida. No quiso hacer daño a ti. Te amo. Siempre. Duerme bien. Quizás algún día…__." _[I'm sorry sweetheart. I didn't want to hurt you. I love you. Always. Sweet dreams. Maybe someday….]

And just as his heartbeat was about to lull me back to sleep I smelled Clinique's Happy perfume on him. It was like an arrow in the heart. Hours later I finally fell into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

AN: Yes, I know that was painful to read, but please stick with me. It will be worth it in the end.


	38. Chapter 38

Chpt. 38

I woke up alone the following morning. I smiled, remember that he told me he loved me without a qualifier; however, my smile only lasted about thirty seconds. And then I remembered that he smelled like another woman, proof that he was hooking-up. I wasn't hung over, but that didn't stop me from feeling nauseated. I lay back down and threw an arm over my eyes. How do I face him?

After laying there for a half-hour, I decided to deal with him how I had planned before my talk with Lexi in the library. Fuck Operation Just Friends. Time for Operation Eat Your Heart Out, Asshole. I'd make sure to "arm" myself more than normal and maybe have Jason pick me up tonight for a date. Maybe I should go out with him again tomorrow. What would piss off Carlos more? Two dates with the same guy or two dates with two different guys. Hmm…decisions, decisions.

Finally, I made myself get up, dress in my skimpiest running clothing, and grabbed my laptop and iPod. I made a quick playlist that I titled "Hell Hath No Fury" so that I'd have something to motivate me while I go sweat out my anger and frustration.

1\. Dashboard Confessional – Screaming Infidelities

2\. No Doubt – Don't Speak

3\. Alanis Morisette – You Oughta Know

4\. Bon Jovi – You Give Love a Bad Name

5\. Avril Lavigne – Complicated

6\. Mariah Carey – Someday

7\. Pat Benatar – Hit Me with Your Best Shot

8\. Christina Aguilera – Fighter

9\. Destiny's Child – Survivor

10\. Lauryn Hill – Ex-Factor

11\. Nancy Sinatra – These Boots Are Made for Walkin'

12\. Blu Cantrell – Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops!)

13\. Britney Spears – Stronger

14\. Gloria Gaynor – I Will Survive

15\. Carly Simon – You're So Vain

After I finished syncing my iPod, I popped in my earbuds, turned up the volume, and exited my room, walking with purpose. I didn't make eye contact with the three people sitting at the kitchen table. I just walked out of the house and started a slow jog so I could warm up my muscles listening to "Screaming Infidelities". I might have been foolish for putting this song on my playlist; it was hitting a little too close to home.

_I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets  
But you're not alone, and you're not discreet  
Make sure I know who's taking you home._

_I'm reading your note over again,  
There's not a word that I comprehend,  
Except when you signed it  
"I will love you always and forever."_

_As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs  
And sit alone and wonder  
How you're making out  
But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere with anyone  
Making out._

The song hadn't even finished and I decided. I'd call Jason when I got back. I needed him to take me out tonight and tomorrow night. Dates with two different guys would make me look slutty – even if I'm the farthest thing from it. Stupid, hypocritical, gender-specific mores.

Should I be honest with Jason? I really don't want to use him. Lexi would know what to do. I think she might even be on board with my new plan of attack considering what happened last night. I looked at my running watch; it was 0900. I decided that Lexi was likely awake by now and if not, it was perfectly acceptable to wake her up due to my current crisis.

I turned around at the corner and ran in the opposite direction to Lexi's house at full-speed. Fifteen minutes later, I rang the doorbell. Mrs. Santos opened the door, looking incredibly surprised at my impromptu visit.

"_Hola blanquita. ¿Toda está bien? Es muy temprano para una visita con Lexi."_Mrs. Santos told me, kissing each cheek. ["Hi little white girl. Is everything ok? It's very early for you and Lexi." The term _blanquita_is a Spanish idiom, meaning it really doesn't translate well. Unlike English, it's not derogatory to call nickname a person by their physical description. It's actually a very common way to nickname to show affection in Spanish-speaking countries.]

"Eh…not really. I really need to talk to her. Is she up yet?" I replied. I wasn't up to speaking in Spanish currently. It would take too much thought and my mind was already spinning its wheels and getting nowhere.

"_Todavía_ _no se despierta, pero si quieres ir a su habitación, le diga que el desayuno está lista. Después, dúchate y le pierde un cambio de ropa. Desayuna con nosotros. ¿Bien?"_[She's not up yet, but if you want to go to her room, tell her that breakfast is ready. Afterward, take a shower and ask her for a change of clothes. Have breakfast with us. Good?]

"Thanks, Mrs. Santos!" I called over my shoulder as I took off up the stairs to Lexi's room. I banged on her door and then barged in. "Wake up! I need to talk to you, but first I'm going to take a shower. Can you throw in some clean clothes for me to wear?"

"Huh? What? Steph? What are you doing here?" Lexi sat up, looking confused and half-asleep.

"Oh my God! Last night was awful and I need to talk to you, but I ran here and I'm all gross. Your mom told me to wake you up and then told me to shower and get ready for breakfast."

"Okay…I think I need coffee. I'm only half-following you. Let me go get a cup and then I'll come back and bring you clothes." She rolled out of bed and stumbled out of the room. She really _wasn't_ a morning person.

"Thanks!" I yelled from the bathroom. I stripped off my sweat-soaked clothes and hopped in Lexi's shower.

Unlike my childhood home in the 'Burg or Army housing with my aunt and uncle, Lexi's parents' house was extravagant; all four bedrooms had its an en suite bathroom. Mr. Santos owned an import-export business that was very profitable, but he refused to pay for his children's educations until they proved to him that they learned the value of hard work and money. In Mr. Santos' eyes, Lexi's shopaholic tendencies cancelled out her hardworking nature, meaning he wasn't willing to pay for her education yet.

I heard the bathroom door open. "I'm leaving you some yoga pants and a tank top. That should work, right?" Lexi asked me.

"Yeah, thanks, Lex." I quickly finished my shower, rummaged around in the wall cabinet above the toilet until I found some hair gel which I quickly combed through my hair – after all, I wanted to make Carlos regret his rejection of me and that meant I had to look good. I needed to tame my hair before it dried into an electrocuted white girl 'fro. Stepping out of the bathroom, I saw Lexi sitting at her desk, sipping her coffee and doodling in the margins of some class notes.

"You going to tell me what made you run to my house and wake me up before noon on a Saturday?" she questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"Can we grab food and come back up here and talk?" I needed some comfort food. Hell, I just wanted any form of comfort.

She gave me an assessing look, nodded, and then got up and walked out of the room. I followed behind, thinking food might be a bad idea. My nausea was back in full force, but I had to eat unless I wanted to insult Mrs. Santos. We both loaded our plates with scrambled eggs, _tostadas_, and I poured myself some _café con leche_. [bread toasted on an electric griddle/pan on the stove sometimes with butter or jam, and **strong** coffee with milk]

Once we got back into the room, Lexi demanded answers.

"So what the heck happened? It had to have been an emergency for you to be here so early. If you don't tell me, I'll get Les in here to help me drag answers out of you."

"There is no way in hell you can tell Les what I'm going to tell you. This is just between you and me."

"Shit, what did my idiot cousin do this time?" She sighed. She knew nobody else could upset me enough to cause me to wake her up early on a Saturday morning.

"We talked yesterday. He told me he loves me, but we can't be together because of his job and its danger. He said he can't commit so he refuses to start anything for fear of ruining the possibility of us…"

Lexi took a sip of coffee and just stared at me, thinking for a minute. "Well…that's not surprising. I mean all of the guys refuse to have committed relationships. They all say their lives doesn't lend themselves to relationships."

"Yeah, but do the others admit they love someone and then half-flaunt that they're going out and hooking up with random women?"

Lexi choked on her coffee and started coughing. Once she was able to breathe and speak normally she responded, "I don't even know what to say. What exactly did he do?"

I sighed. "So, he came back last night or early this morning and crawled into bed with me. We cuddled and he told me in Spanish that he will always love me and that he's doesn't want hurt me. After he fell asleep, I was burrowing into his arms more figuring I should enjoy that cuddle while I can and that's when I smelled some other woman's perfume. I felt like I was kicked in the gut. I couldn't breathe – at least that is how I felt."

"I don't even know what to say. I mean, I guess it's good that he admitted that he loves you. But wow. Just…wow. I can't believe he crawled into your bed smelling of skank. I want to hit him upside the back of his head and yell at him on your behalf. For being one of the most intelligent guys I know, he is quite possibly the stupidest as well. Kind of like a genius who intellectually understands practically everything, but has no common sense. It's like God's way of evening out everyone's gifts."

"You can't! I don't want him to know how I feel or that I remember last night. That would be mortifying!"

"I'm sorry. I am at a complete loss…I don't know what you should do or how you should deal with him." She sighed and held up her coffee mug, inhaling its scent, while she sat there searching for something to say to me.

"That's kind of why I came here. So I was thinking when I was running…I'm going to ask Jason out and try to get him to pick me up at the house tonight. I know that goes against Operation Just Friends, but I kind of think we should just forget about that. Now I just want to make him hurt. I want to make him regret everything."

Lexi sighed. "I can't believe I'm agreeing with you to an extent. Ugh, I just want to smack him. What the hell is wrong with him? I swear Tía Teresa must have dropped him on his head as a baby."

"Do you think I should tell Jason I'm essentially using him this weekend? I mean, I'm considering making out with him in hopes I get caught by Carlos. And then I feel guilty because I like Jason as a person, but…he doesn't make me tingle. Plus, he kisses like a slobbery dog. He once licked my cheek!"

"I don't think I'd tell Jason. I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. You might want to practice kissing with him so that if or when Carlos catches you, he doesn't see Jason slurping your face. Instead of being jealous, I think he'd be amused if he saw that."

"Yeah, I'm a little worried about that. I guess I can teach him at the movies tonight – if he doesn't have plans. It'll kind of be like high school all over." I'm sure he'd be open to making out in the back row. Hopefully, he'll be able to take constructive criticism.

"Ok, do you have his phone number? If so, you need to call him now. And then we need to get you ready for your date! I'm thinking we should make a point of pampering you all day. That way it makes you seem like you're excited about your date…." Lexi continued planning how I'd get ready and what I'd wear on my date while I called Jason, who was more than willing to go on a date with me. I felt a huge stab of guilt when I heard the excitement in his voice, but I needed a date and he was my best option.

After breakfast, Lexi drove me back to Abuela's so that we could spend the rest of the day making it known that I had a date. I took yet another shower so that I could shave and moisturize in addition to properly styling my wild curls.

Two hours into getting ready, Lexi was giving me a mani-pedi when Carlos and Tank came back from their morning run.

"Babe." Carlos said, observing Lexi painting my nails and me flipping through People Magazine.

"Hey," I replied without looking up.

"What are you guys up to today?" Tank asked, sitting down at the table with a huge glass of water.

"I'm helping Steph get ready for her hot date tonight," Lexi replied. I looked up and shot Tank a small smile and then went back to flipping through my magazine.

"Really?" Tank was clearly shocked with my plans. If he wasn't, he wouldn't have replied at all.

"Yeah, Jason and I are going to dinner and the movies." I continued flipping through the magazine. None of the articles caught my attention, but I didn't want to look at Carlos. He resolved that problem by walking out of the kitchen towards his room. Tank gave me a knowing look, and then followed him out. A minute later we could hear Tank's half of the conversation. Carlos had to have been talking quietly, because unfortunately, we couldn't here his side.

"Ranger, you can't be pissed at her going out with other guys. You won't date her and you are almost as big of a man-whore as Les…You're being a hypocrite…I'm really surprised she hasn't kneed you in the balls yet because you're being a complete asshole to her…Even though you won't admit it, we all know you love her. Just get your shit together and then date the girl for God's sake. You'd both be happier and you wouldn't be such a dick to be around…Just think about it."

Lexi and I stared at each other, saying nothing. If we could hear Tank, then Carlos and Tank could easily hear us and I didn't want them to hear me. My thoughts and feelings were far too raw. I was angry at Carlos. He played with me like a yo-yo world champion. And what made me even angrier was that I was frustrated with myself. Even though he was treating me poorly, I continued to love him. It scared me to think what that meant about my self-confidence. While I mentally warred with myself, Lexi continued painting my nails. She knew that I'd decided to go on my date with Jason, regardless of what we just heard.

The rest of the afternoon was spent in prep. Lexi stuck around because she wanted to see fireworks rivaling the Forth of July in Abuela's living room. I wanted to be angry at her for that, but if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd probably do the same thing. Well…I'd probably also stick around in case my friend needed me if there were fireworks.

At 1900 on the dot, Jason rang the doorbell. Carlos, who had secluded himself in his room all afternoon, actually left his room to open the door. I'm not sure if he wanted to growl and make Jason run for the hills or just wanted to size him up. He spoke to him for a couple of minutes about God knows what, but there were no fireworks. Hell, Carlos showed no emotion whatsoever. If I didn't remember our conversation yesterday, my nighttime visit last night, or what Tank said to Carlos earlier, I would think that he didn't care that I was going on a date with a very-handsome-in-an-Abercrombie-and-Fitch-way guy.

My date was like I expected – nice, but boring. I liked Jason. Hell, I think he's a great guy, just not for me. If I could set him up with anybody, I'd actually set him up with Valerie. He was a nice, loyal, genuine guy who ultimately wanted a normal, boring family life with a normal, boring job in some mid-level managerial position. Unfortunately, she already made her bed. I just hoped she didn't get crabs from sharing it with Steve.

While Jason was driving me back to Abuela's after the movie, he glanced over at me and said, "We're not going to go past this point, are we?" I felt a stab of guilt. I really wished I could like him as more than a friend.

"No, I don't think so. I wish I felt differently, but I think we're better as friends. I hope you understand," I replied.

"Actually, I feel the same way. You're a beautiful, smart, intelligent girl, but I think I'd bore you after a while."

"I think I'd drive you crazy after a while. I don't see myself having a conventional life or career when I graduate." Oh, if he only knew how _very_ unconventional my future looked.

"Friends?" he asked me hopefully.

"Definitely."

He walked me to the door and gave me a hug and kiss goodnight. I kind of wish he realized this tomorrow, or even next week, if only so I could get a good make-out session for Carlos to see. Opening the door, I turned and looked back at Jason, "Thank you. I really did have a great time tonight."

"Me, too, Steph. Good night." After I closed and locked the door he walked back to his car and took off.

Walking farther into the house, I found Carlos sitting at the kitchen table, picking at the label on his beer bottle.

"Have a good night?" he asked me.

"Yeah, I did. Jason's a great guy." Provided I don't have to kiss him or be more than friends with him – not that I'd tell Carlos that.

"He's not the right guy for you." Well…damn.

"I know." I sighed.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" For loving and rejecting me at the same time? For toying with me? For making me smell skank on you last night? That Jason isn't the _right_ guy for me? If only I could let myself actually verbalize all these things, but I was scared. If I said all mean but truthful these things, could our friendship survive?

"I'm just sorry, Babe." He got up, kissed me on the forehead and walked back to his room, leaving me standing in the kitchen completely confused. I finally came to and walked back to my own room.

I pulled out my journal which I had been neglecting recently. As I started writing, tears silently fell onto the page, slightly blurring my words.

* * *

_April 27, 2002_

_Song of the Day: No Doubt, "Don't Speak"_

_I'm so confused. Carlos and I talked yesterday. Well, maybe more like half-argued. He says he loves me, but we can't be together. He can't commit. He gets upset about me dating other guys, but then goes out and sleeps with a different girl every night if I inferred correctly from what I've seen and heard this weekend. _

_After we talked yesterday, he went out to Batista's – again. He came back in the middle of the night and crawled into bed with me. He thought I was sleeping and said that he loved me and he didn't want to hurt me. He fell asleep cuddling with me and then I caught a whiff of some woman's perfume. I…I didn't know what to do. I wanted to wake him up and yell at him, hit his chest and just basically have a meltdown, but I didn't. Instead I just lay there, struggling and barely succeeding to keep my tears from falling until I finally fell back to sleep. _

_I tried to retaliate today. I asked Jason out so that I could show Carlos that I wasn't waiting – just like he told me. I wanted to make him jealous, but I'm pretty sure I failed. He talked with Jason when he came to pick me up. He was so freaking calm, I wanted to punch him. Lexi was disappointed that Carlos didn't blow up. She figured since he already acted like an ass, she could at least appreciate the drama of it all. Ugh. I blame this on the fact that she grew up watching telenovelas with Mrs. Santos each night._

_Of course tonight had to be the night that Jason told me he thought we were better off as friends and I totally agree. It's that since he told me that, there was no chance to make out and piss off Carlos. No, instead I come in and find him at the kitchen table nursing a bottle of beer. He has to tell me that he knows that Jason isn't the right guy for me. The smartass in me wanted to say, "Well no shit, Sherlock! We both know it's you and you won't effing man up and be with me!" Instead I kept it civil and just said that I knew that Jason wasn't "it". Then he told me he was sorry, but I have no idea what he is sorry for! He is so damned insufferable. I mean what the hell?! I'm fuming. I'm even tempted to run him over like I did Morelli! He's just lucky that Uncle Charlie drilled out the majority of my impetuousness. Just because I want to do things, doesn't mean I do them anymore. Though I have a feeling it'd be really satisfying to break Carlos' leg…. And with that thought, I'm scaring even myself. Yeesh! _

_To top it off, I'm so __**mad at myself**__ because I still love Carlos. He told me not to. He's treating me like crap. And I keep taking it. My little bit of revenge didn't even work. He didn't feel what I felt last night. He was way too calm for it to have affected him. Of course, if it did work, I'd probably be mad at myself for hurting him. I can't freaking win – with him or with myself. _

_And damn it all to hell because I need to figure out some way to deal with this. I have to spend __**all summer**__ with him and Les. Fuck…._


	39. Chapter 39

AN: All recognizable characters belong to JE.

* * *

Chpt. 39

Lexi and Les' parents had a cookout on Sunday and invited every relative in the greater Miami area in addition to all of Les and Carlos' friends from high school. The upside to the party was that our interactions were fairly limited even though we were always within ten feet of each other. Maybe Carlos realized how much he's hurt me even though I haven't outright told him. I only think this is a possibility because he ignored every single woman that threw herself at him. He didn't flirt or look for companionship while we were at the party. Or this could have been his version of being considerate towards my feelings. I have absolutely no idea. I'd like to think maybe it was a bit of both.

The highlight of the party was catching up with Miguel, who was now going by Héctor. When I asked why he changed his name, he said he associated the name Miguel with an ugly period in his life and he wanted a fresh start. I remember Mat saying that there was a _small _possibility for Miguel to get out of the gang and that he was seriously thinking about taking those chances. Even though he didn't outright say it, I realized he somehow managed to get out of the gang. I realized that asking him how he managed that at the party was in poor taste even though my curiosity was absolutely killing me.

Héctor was going to a technical school and getting all sorts of certifications with Microsoft. I was so excited that I screeched a tiny little bit in excitement and jumped in his arms, giving him a huge hug. Even though things with Mat ended on a very sour note, I still adored his family. They'd always been wonderful and accepting of me.

The rest of the party was alright. Carlos and I continued to orbit each other at the party, guaranteeing that we were always near each other, but without interacting. We left the party around 2000 because Carlos and Tank were driving back to base in the morning since Bobby and Les handled the drive down to Miami.

I was sitting at my desk in my room at Abuela's, sorting through notes and old homework assignments from my geology class when there was a knock at the door.

"Come in," I yelled out, still facing the window my desk sat in front of.

"Hey, Little Girl, can we talk?" Tank asked, silently closing the door. I marveled at his ability to move silently, a huge feat when considering his physical size.

"Um, yeah. I guess so. What's up?"

Tank kept his voice quiet as he spoke. "I just wanted to talk to you. I know you and Ranger are…at an impasse so to speak. Don't give up on him. Not yet."

"I want to be with him, but he doesn't want to be with me and he doesn't want anyone else to be with me. How would you deal with that?"

"I wouldn't wait around, but I've never loved anyone. Plus, I think you guys are different. I'm not around you enough to know how you think and I wasn't around when you first met Ranger and Santos, but I'm around Ranger enough to know how he thinks. He loves you. I know you are aware he's hooking up. You're far from stupid, but what you don't know is that he's just passing time with them. He's waiting for you. And he's waiting to feel like himself again."

"He could have me now!"

"Nah, he can't. We're all fucked up. The stuff we've been doing…I know you understand some stuff, but not even you can imagine the shit we've seen and done. Out of the four of us, he's experienced the worst. Santos is right behind him…. That's why they try to find as many distractions as they can, especially at night. What I'm saying is he's not ready to be with anyone. He has to work on himself."

"Is he…is he going to be ok? Can I help?" I started to gnaw on my lower lip while I considered what Tank told me.

"Nah, you can't unless he comes to you. Last I knew, he was getting help, but you know it takes a lot of time."

"No…no he hasn't talked to me. What is he doing to distract himself from what I'm assuming are nightmares?"

"Obviously, he's drinking a lot more these days. I know he's tried some drugs, but hated it. You know how he feels about being in control and drugs just don't work with that. And uh…fucking may be his most effective distraction."

"Is he seeing a good doctor? He should talk to Hannah. Obviously, I vouch for her."

"I know he's getting some counseling, but I don't know the extent of it and I don't know who he is seeing."

"How long has this been going on?"

"I don't know. Santos would know better since they share an apartment."

I looked down at my hands and wondered what I could do and if I should say anything to Carlos.

"I know he's messing things up with you. And it's obvious to everyone that he's hurting you. I know this is hard. Just don't give up on him. Give him some time to sort his shit out. Don't take his actions personally right now. Just think about it, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, definitely," I said, nodding.

Tank stood and started walking to the door. "Night, Steph."

"Night, Tank. And thanks."

"You're welcome. And just so you know, I've always got his six, even when he doesn't think he needs it."

"You're a really good friend, Tank – to the both of us. Have a safe trip back," I got up and hugged him.

"Will do."

The guys left the following morning before I got up. Instead of waking me up, Carlos left me a note.

* * *

_Babe,_

_Sorry I didn't say good-bye. I couldn't bear to wake you up; you looked too peaceful sleeping. I'll see you soon. Don't go crazy. _

_Love, _

_Carlos_

* * *

The last two weeks of the semester went by quickly. I edited and finished all my papers and turned them in the last week of class. Finals were so easy that they didn't even seem like tests. Maybe I should have picked a more academically challenging university.

Unfortunately, that meant that it was time to travel north to Camp Peary to participate in the summer session of Armed Forces Experimental Training Activity (AFETA). The only thing that remotely excited me about going up to the Farm was knowing that I was going somewhere that most people weren't allowed to go. I get to have the privilege of knowing something that is classified, and considering that I'm always curious, I found that part pretty freaking cool.

Going up there also meant that I had to see Les and Carlos. I was excited to see Les…Carlos on the other hand…I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say to him. We hadn't even tried to email or talk to each other, at all, since their trip to Miami. I was feeling all kinds of awkward and freaked out about seeing him again. Should I act normal? Should I yell at him? Should I ignore his womanizing ways? Does PTSD give him carte blanche to act like a complete asshole? Was he even formally diagnosed? How much did he even tell his counselor? My guess would be no if he was still being sent to intense training. Although from what little I was able to find (And I couldn't find anything to verify it, so it could be completely false.), the Farm no longer made trainees suffer through interrogations, sleep deprivation, food poisoning, and mock executions in order to harden up. I guess the CIA had to change its training due to the attention it got due to the Watergate scandal in the 1970s. I doubt anyone ever said that Watergate made them happy, but if it got me out of having to experience mock executions and food poisoning (I love food and really don't want them to ruin that for me!) then I will come out and say that Watergate was the best thing to happen since sliced bread.

I decided to ask Lexi how she thought I should interact with Carlos the night before I was set to leave.

"Can I talk to you about something? And before you say yes or no, you have to promise that what I say will _not_ be repeated. You have to promise."

Lexi looked at me like I had lost my mind, but nodded. "Yeah, I promise not to tell anyone."

"I mean it Lexi. You can't talk to your mom or dad or even Les. It's just between us."

"I promise. I swear on my future firstborn's life. Is that serious enough for you?""

"Yes, thank you," I sighed. "So…you know how soldiers see really ugly things and it messes with them, right?"

"Yeah. I think most people know about PTSD to some extent."

"Tank came to see me the night before they left. He told me not to give up on Carlos because he's dealing with what he's seen. I guess he doesn't want to go to sleep or can't sleep much because he's having nightmares. Tank said Carlos has tried a lot of things to deal with it. Tank basically said that he drinks a lot and sleeps around because those make for good distractions, keeps him from thinking about his nightmares, and keeps him from sleeping much."

"Shit…"

"Yeah. So I've been thinking about this for the past two weeks. And I don't know how I should interact with Carlos. I mean he hurt me _a lot_, but…should I be understanding even if he hasn't talked to me about what he's going through? Does having PTSD give him free rein to treat me like crap? Should I just pretend like Carlos didn't hurt me? Should I approach him and say I know you're suffering through nightmares like I went through after the car accident? I don't know what to do, Lexi! I'm freaking out!"

"Yeah, the freaking out part is kind of obvious. You really need to chill before you see him. Give me a second…or an hour to think…. Crap. I guess it makes it that much harder to know how to feel about him."

"It was a lot easier to just be mad at him when I thought he was just trying to collect notches on his bedpost."

"Yeah, it's not so black and white now."

"So what do you think I should do? I think I'd hate myself if I harangued him for his choice in coping, or not coping, mechanisms." I'd be a hypocrite, too, I silently added.

"Well, it certainly would damage your relationship – even if he partially deserves one hell of a lecture. I kind of think you should just…let things slide. I mean, he hasn't talked to you about his demons. That makes any sort of productive conversation on his man-whoring ways sort of difficult. All that said, even though I know you're understanding to a point, more understanding than I probably would be, I wouldn't wait around for him if I were you. Continue to date. Maybe you'll find a really awesome guy while you're working at that summer camp in Virginia. We don't know how long it's going to be until Carlos gets his act together. But…and I say this as a family member, if you see things are getting worse…if he is getting depressed, please get him in some sort of serious treatment, okay?"

"I promise that I will. And…I think you're right. I think I have to pretend things are normal – even though he told me he loved me. I doubt he can handle anything more with me. At least, I don't think I could if I was in his situation." I didn't tell her that I _already_ knew that I couldn't handle a romantic relationship while dealing with PTSD from when I came back from Spain. Mat and I fought continuously – granted half was due to jealousy on his part – and that led to our breakup.

Apparently, Abuela and Carlos were right. Now was most certainly not the time to start something more between us. Too bad patience has never been one of my virtues. I guess it's time to learn about life – and if that fails, I'll find my own distractions.


	40. Chapter 40

AN: As Always, I don't own the characters. Story, plot, and all mistakes are mine.

* * *

Chpt. 40

I flew up into Dulles, hopped the train to Williamsburg where I was picked up in a non-descript sedan with government plates. At this point, I didn't really know what to expect and that scared me a little, but considering that I have already done Basic, the majority of the Ranger training, been on a CIA-Rangers co-op mission (even if it mentally scarred me some), I figured I probably had enough experience that I wouldn't start training at a complete disadvantage.

My silent driver dropped me off in front of what appeared to be a very boring brick office building. I suppose it shouldn't surprise me that everything about Camp Peary, including my pick-up, was unremarkable and therefore unmemorable. I guess that's one way of keeping information from getting out.

I grabbed my rolling suitcase and duffle bag from the trunk, and walked into the building. Since I was dropped off here, I had to assume that I had to check-in with someone here. Of course, assumptions can make asses out of u and me, or so my dad told me, but I had to start somewhere.

First, I encountered a metal detector and a machine to scan my bags. Joy. I pulled my Baby Glock from my bra holster and put it along with my ID, cell phone, keys, and purse in a bin to go through the machine to be checked. They'd better not take my sniper rifle which I packed in my suitcase or my handgun or I'll be pissed. A girl has to have her protection these days, especially with people she doesn't know and are training to be spies. Technically, I didn't have anyone to watch my six. Carlos and Les would watch each others' backs. Don't get me wrong, I know they'll watch mine, but it's not the same.

Of course, when my suitcase went through the machine, my dismantled rifle showed up, causing the security guy to look at me strangely. Either he thought I was psycho or couldn't believe a woman could be a sniper. Either way, I was kind of offended by his more thorough silent assessment of me. At that point he decided to rifle through my belongings. I knew he had to and that they had to take all precautions, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that he wouldn't have examined my belongings as thoroughly if he could stereotype me. After a fifteen-minute inspection, he finally zipped up my bags and let me into the building, but not before giving me instructions.

"Ms. Plum, please go down the hall to your left. The third door on your right is the ID office. You have to get a special computer chip ID to get anywhere on campus. Just ask for Dawn."

"Okay, um, thanks," I replied. I slung my duffle over my shoulder, pulled out the handle on my roll-away suitcase, and walked down to the ID office. I didn't feel like getting into trouble on my first day. Finding the ID office, I knocked on the door and listened for a response.

"Come in!" called out a very high, feminine voice.

"Hi, I'm Stephanie Plum. The security guard told me I needed to come here to get my ID and check-in."

"Oh! Stephanie! Yes, I've been waiting for you. That's not to say you're the last to arrive. You're not! It's just that everyone's been talking about you and your talent." _Shit._ I really don't want to be notable.

"Um…thanks, I think."

"First, I need your ID. Go stand up against the wall next to the door so I can take your picture." After she typed my information into the system, she took a photo for my ID. "Now, I need you to come over here because I need to finger print you. Some of the buildings and rooms you access will be based on your finger prints in addition to your key card."

Thankfully, she didn't finger print me the old-fashioned, messy way with ink. She had a tiny little scanner that she used to scan each finger print.

"Last, I need to see your weapons. I need to put the make, model, and serial numbers into the system as well." And for the second time in less than an hour I pulled out my weapons, making sure to take out the clip from the Glock. Once she finished she handed them back to me. "Alright, now here is a binder with your schedule for this week as well as some basic information, a map of the campus, and your dorm room information. You have orientation at 1500 in the auditorium in this building. Oh, and just use your keycard to get into your room. And if I didn't tell you before, welcome! I'm so excited to see what you'll do. We haven't had such a promising female trainee come through here in years!"

She seemed awfully friendly and forthcoming with information. That seemed kind of strange to me, but I suppose discussing possible trainees wasn't classified. Besides, we could talk amongst ourselves but not others, so I suppose she wasn't breaking any rules. I flipped open the binder to see that my dorm was in building 12, room 216. I quickly assessed the map and figured out where I needed to go.

After a five-minute walk, I found the dorm. I pulled out my keycard, inserted it into the reader, and waited for the light to turn green, meaning I could enter the building. After a few seconds, I heard the lock on the door click and entered, dragging along my luggage. I looked around the lobby to see if anything was notable. To my left were steps and an elevator, and to my right a common room and vending machines. At least I spotted Butterscotch Krimpetts in there. It looked like this summer wouldn't completely suck.

Feeling lazy, and not wanting to haul my suitcase up a flight of stairs, I elected to take the elevator to the second floor. Walking out into the hallway, I noted that there were six rooms on either side. I assumed that meant there would be approximately twenty-four people on this floor.

I found my room, used my card to get in, again, and looked around. Nothing fancy. Everything was your basic white oak furniture and a single bed on each wall. I threw my stuff onto the bed closest to the window. I pulled open a door, noting it was a bathroom with another door that opened up to another bedroom. Looked like I'd be living suite-style. Hopefully, I'd be able to tolerate my other roommates.

I flipped through my so-called Welcome Binder. My schedule was in there as were my other team members. I wasn't the least bit surprised that two of my teammates were Carlos and Les. Our other teammate was a woman named Jeanne-Ellen Burrows. Apparently teams shared a suite. That made things both better and worse. At least I knew Carlos and Les. There was of course the issue that Carlos and I weren't exactly getting along at the moment, not that we were exactly fighting either.

I glanced at my watch. I still had four hours until orientation started, so I decided I might as well unpack and get settled in. I took the bed next to the bathroom. That way I was closer to Carlos…if he needed me. I knew all about nightmares, and if he decided he wanted to talk to me or needed me in the middle of the night, I wanted to be there for him like he was for me. Apparently loving him made me a glutton for punishment.

I was half-way done with settling in when I heard the lock click behind me. I quickly turned around, making sure I could easily grab my Baby Glock – just in case. Call me paranoid, but I was going to be surrounded by people who wanted to work in espionage. That meant that they most likely had agendas.

A beautiful, blonde woman stepped into our room. She was like a cheap Harley Barbie. She was dressed in black pleather pants, a black top with short black pleather sleeves and peplum waist, and lace up black heeled shoes.

"Hi, I'm Stephanie Plum. Nice to meet you." I gave her a smile.

She quickly looked me up and down, probably mentally assessing me. I laughed to myself because looks could be quite deceiving. I might look like the girl next door, but I was far from it.

"I'm Jeanne-Ellen. Nice to meet you, too." Her body language and tone of voice said that she was most certainly not pleased to meet me. This was going to be a _long_ summer. She turned away quickly and started her to settle in as well.

I was never so thankful and happy as I was when I heard the guys' voices through the bathroom. Just as I was about to go see them, Les burst into our room.

"Beautiful!" he crowed. "It's been forever!" He picked me up and swung me around.

"Les, it's been all of _two_ _weeks_!"

"I know, but I missed you! We missed you!"

Carlos suddenly appeared. "Babe."

"Carlos." And then he did something that surprised me. He walked over and hugged me tightly, kissing the top of my head. I'm not sure why it surprised me. Maybe I was the only person upset in our non-relationship.

He didn't let me go, so I managed to turn around so that my back pressed up against Carlos' chest. I remembered my Burg manners my mother drilled into me and decided to make introductions.

"Um, guys, I'd like to introduce to our other team member. This is Jeanne-Ellen Burrows. Jeanne-Ellen, these two are Lester Santos and Carlos Mañoso, but most people call him Ranger."

Jeanne-Ellen noticeably perked up when she saw Les and Carlos. Her eyes narrowed when she saw that Carlos' arms were still wrapped around me and was resting his chin on my head.

"Nice to meet you," Les said with his flirty smile. I could feel Carlos give her a head nod in acknowledgment.

"Yes, it is very nice to meet you both," she replied with a big smile and a sweet tone of voice, which was a far cry from the chilly tone she used with me.

Oh sweet baby Jesus, give me patience and strength. If she is a woman who hates other women just because she's mean and spiteful, I just might end up shooting her this summer. And to think, I had half-hoped there'd be another woman here who would understand me – my training, what I've done, what I'll do, who I am…. Be careful what you wish for, I guess.

"So…we have orientation at 1500. And I believe that the cafeteria opens up in twenty minutes, if we want to grab lunch. I know I haven't eaten since before my flight took off. Are you guys hungry?" I asked, shooting Jeanne-Ellen a smile. I'd keep trying to win her over for the sake of our team.

"Starving, Babe."

"Famished! I swear I haven't eaten anything good since we saw you last," Les replied.

My new roommate stated, "I could eat a little." God, I hope she's not _one of those women_ that hate food and count every freaking calorie.

Unfortunately, lunch proved to be disappointing on multiple fronts. First, the food was awful. I think I figured out half of the guys' reasoning for eating salad with grilled chicken constantly– it was likely the only edible food in the cafeteria. Even the chocolate cake was as dry as the Sahara. Second, Jeanne-Ellen was _one of those women_. She didn't finish her salad. Hell, she barely had five bites before she started pushing the food around on her plate. At least I _tried_ to enjoy the repulsive food. Third, she continued to be cold and less than friendly to me. When she left to powder her nose, her words, not mine, Les and Carlos immediately starting asking me questions.

"What's up with her highness' bitchiness towards you?" Les asked as soon as she was out of earshot.

"I really don't know. I was friendly when she walked in. Did the whole 'Hi, my name is…' spiel and she just looked me up and down like I was a bug to be smashed under one of her freaky boots. I'm actually wondering if she registered those as weapons when she checked in. She only warmed up when you guys came in."

"Babe, have you heard of her or met her before?"

"Nope. I know next to nothing about her other than her name and the fact that she's a fake blonde considering her eyebrows don't match the hair on her head."

Les and Carlos exchanged looks. I was pretty sure they had the same thoughts as I did.

"Pretty sure she doesn't like the looks of her competition," Carlos told me.

"Um, what? How am I competition?"

"You two are the only women here. And you have a reputation, you know."

"Yeah, I heard a little when I talked to the ID lady. I'm kind of disturbed that people know who I am."

"You're that good and you're not military. People notice those things," Les told me.

"Do you know anything about Jeanne-Ellen?" I asked them.

"Just know of her. She's Air Force Pararescue – the only woman to ever make the team," Carlos told me.

"So I'm competition. Funny, considering I don't want to be here. Don't get me wrong, I'll learn and do my best, but I think most everyone here applied and did lots of tests and interviews and God knows what else. And I'm here per my contract."

"Just show her what you got, Beautiful. If she can't take the heat of having another talented woman around, she'll somehow manage to fuck-up and get herself booted."

"Yeah, but I don't want her to fail! I'm all for women being here and showing just how capable we are – even if I don't want to be here. The difference between me and her is that I want to support my fellow woman. It's kind of lonely being a woman in this world."

"You have us," Carlos said, slinging an arm over my shoulder.

He was being really touchy-feely ever since he got here. What the hell is up with that? I swear he's giving me freaking whiplash. Just then Jeanne-Ellen returned from the bathroom.

"Everyone ready to head back?" Carlos asked.

"Oh, Ranger, I think that's a great idea. Why don't we take the time to walk back together and get to know each other," she purred.

"I'd love to get to know you," Les said, throwing his arm over her shoulders and shooting me a wink.

"That sounds like so much fun, Les," she giggled and then shot me a dirty look.

Les pulled Jeanne-Ellen up ahead of us, likely trying to give me a break from Bitchy Barbie.

"How were your last two weeks of class?" Carlos asked me.

"You know. Uneventful. Boring. Turned in all my final projects the week before, had finals last week. To be honest, I'm not really challenged. Maybe I should have tried to go to a more prestigious school."

"I'm sure you'll get the most out of it that you can. You always commit one hundred percent to anything you do. I bet you'd say you weren't challenged even if you went to Yale."

"Hah! I don't think I'd have gotten in there."

"Did you even try?"

"Why would I?" Carlos just sighed at me and we walked around Camp Peary's campus some, getting the lay of the land.

"How were these past two weeks for you?" I asked after walking around in silence for a couple minutes.

"I've had better and worse weeks. The first week back was a little rough. Tank and I were sparring and he gave me a concussion."

"Oh my God! Are you okay? What'd the doctor say?" The idea of him being injured, even in training scared me silly. I should be used to the possibility by now considering the danger he is in when he goes on missions.

"I'm fine. It was only a minor one. Let's just say that Tank got his point across."

I raised my eyebrows at that. "What was Tank's point?"

"That I've been an ass to you."

I snorted, but didn't say anything.

"And that I should talk to you because you, of all people, would understand."

Apparently, Tank didn't have a heart-to-heart with just me. Though it sounds like heart-to-heart talks for guys involve fists. Men are so dumb sometimes.

"What would I understand?" I finally asked. I was pretty sure I knew, but obviously, I couldn't let Carlos know that Tank talked to me.

"He said you'd understand what I was going through. Hannah told me the same thing. She diagnosed me with PTSD a few months back. The last mission we were on…it was all kinds of fucked up. You can't even imagine it in your worst nightmares. Unfortunately, I keep reliving it in mine since I actually saw it." Carlos tightened his arm around my waist while he talked.

"I'm sorry. I wouldn't wish that on anyone." My voice was muffled as I hugged him tightly. "I'm surprised they still sent you here if you're still recovering."

"I still have to do therapy three times a week while I'm here. I actually have a session at 1330."

"I'm glad you're actively working on trying to manage the condition. You know I'm here for you, right?"

"Yeah, I do. Sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I didn't want to weigh you down with my problems during your first year of college."

"I'd do anything I could to help you. I had fun at school, but no matter what, you are more important. Besides, I think I did enough partying in the Fall Semester. I just partied in the Spring Semester out of boredom. I'd have happily flown back every weekend to help you."

"I know, but I want you to have fun and enjoy college. You already had to grow up too quickly."

"And that means I already grew up – at least somewhat. I have my priorities – and you're one of them. Parties don't even crack the top twenty. Just accept that, please."

"Babe."

We continued to walk around and catch up. We talked about ways to cope with PTSD. He failed to mention his nightly way of "coping" with his nightmares and I wasn't about to bring it up. That might make me a chicken, but he already dealt me a massive blow a couple weeks ago. I'm pretty sure I couldn't take another dose of rejection.

At 1325 we walked up to the building where Carlos would meet with a psychologist for his PTSD.

"Do you want me to wait for you in the office or meet up at the dorm before orientation?" I asked me.

"I'll meet you back at the suite. I'm sure you have more things you need to do in there."

"Oh yeah, I can't wait to go back," I replied sarcastically. "It's not like the Bitchy Barbie is going to make me feel welcome in my own space."

"Babe."

"You're not helpful. Now go have a good session." I stood up on tiptoe and kissed his cheek before I headed back to our rooms.

I was incredibly happy that my room was empty when I got back to our suite. Les was in his room, puttering around and listening to music. I decided to poke my head in quickly to see if he knew where my roomie was.

"Hey!" I shouted over his music. Thankfully he realized I was in his room and turned down the volume. "Know where Jeanne-Ellen is?"

"Eh, not really. She saw some guy she went through training with and decided to 'catch up'. Honestly, I think she's fucking him for some sort of leverage. Who knows. She's a freaking barracuda!" Les visibly shuddered.

I raised my eyebrows at that. "Really? You found a woman that freaks you out? Oh, my God! Alert the presses!"

"Shut up, smartass! She's into some really kinky shit from what I gathered on our way back. Don't get me wrong. I like variety and spicing things up, but she's got some freaky fetishes that I can't even contemplate trying out!"

"Do I even _want_ to know?" I knew I didn't really want to know, but damn my curiosity. I had to know even though I knew I'd regret it.

"Let's just say she likes using a strap on when she's with guys. And that's the mildest thing she mentioned. She was probing me, trying to find out what I like and if Carlos and I are into threesomes."

"Probing? Really? Are you trying to be punny? And…I can't see a straight guy letting a woman use a strap-on with him. That seems…I don't know, emasculating and I don't even know what to think about that. And whatever you do, don't tell me if you guys are into threesomes. I _don't_ need to know that!"

"Oh! Yuck! I didn't mean it like that! And no, I wouldn't tell you explicit details of my sex life. God, sometimes talking to you is like talking to Lexi. I don't think I can do any more sex talk with you without spewing my lunch. This just feels wrong, so wrong." He shuddered.

"You are just so full of visuals today."

"Shut up, Beautiful!"

"Alright, alright. I'm going to go finish up in my room. We'll all head off to orientation together?"

"Sure thing."

And with that I went back and finished getting my room set up so I could collapse when we got back tonight.

* * *

"You are here because you are the best of the best. You were selected after careful deliberation. Many of you have advanced degrees or military experience. What you need to know is that your place in this program is not guaranteed. You have to work hard to remain here. This is not a place where you can get through training passively. You'll work out to maintain your physical fitness. You'll learn in the classroom and hands-on training exercises. I expect nothing less than excellence out of each and every one of you. That said, each week, one of you will be eliminated. If you're in the military, you can go back to your base and your previous rank. If you are a civilian…well, you're probably S.O.L. Use that as motivation! I'm sure none of you want to leave early. With that said, here is Sid Chavez, the SAD or Special Activities Director. He will give you more information about what to expect while you're here," said Lawrence Kingston, the Director of Clandestine Services.

Holy crap! I hadn't expected for Director Kingston to actually come and welcome the new group of trainees.

"Hello everyone, as Mr. Kingston said, I'm Sid Chavez. I'm a little more informal, so just call me Sid whenever we meet. Now to get down to business. While you're here you'll learn a multitude of skills from picking locks, disabling security systems, cracking safes, code breaking, casing a room, intelligence gathering, interrogation techniques, weapons, and hand-to-hand combat to name a few. I know that might sound overwhelming to some of you, but I know that some of you are already proficient in some of these skills.

"We've changed our training processes in recent years. You all will receive skills that will help you as an individual in covert affairs, but we have also added a team aspect. You and your suitemates are team members. That means if one of your teammates fail, you all fail that task and be kicked out as well. This is to ensure that while you all compete with one another you also work as a team. Each team was handpicked. Trust that we knew what we were doing.

"For the first month and a half that you're here you and your team will train together in the mornings. In the afternoons you'll have your lunch break, some free time, and some individual training sessions. Your evenings are up in the air. We want to see how you adapt to the unexpected. The last month and a half of training will be entirely customized for each trainee.

"Now that you know a little of what to expect, please come down and get your individual packets. I look forward to seeing your many talents burgeon. Thank you and welcome!"

I turned and looked at Carlos and Les who were sitting to the right of me. Jeanne-Ellen didn't return to our suite or join us in the auditorium. I can't say that I was disappointed about that, but knowing that if she failed it would affect our standings upset me. The other possibility was if she refused to cooperate and work with us, causing the team to fail as a whole. As my uncle always says, "You're only as strong as your weakest link."

"So…do you think Jeanne-Ellen will swallow her attitude and attempt to work well with us?" I asked them.

"I'd hope so, but she appears to be a one woman show," Carlos stated quietly.

"That's my feeling as well," Les replied.

"Shit." It was all I could think to say. The guys nodded in response.

We waited until the other groups went up and got their detailed schedules before we headed up there. Carlos introduced the three of us to the DCS and the SAD. Both were very interested in our team.

"I'm looking forward to seeing your skills. I've heard many good things about the three of you," Sid said, smiling at us.

"Thank you, and nice to meet you," I replied with a smile, remembering my Burg manners.

"And you must be Stephanie Plum," Mr. Kingston answered. "I know that your situation, actually the status of the three of you, is different from every other trainee here. I hope you realize that we still expect you to perform. We will not make this easy for you."

"I don't think we expect anything less, sir," I said.

"Agreed. We are here to improve our skills and ultimately make us better at our jobs," Les affirmed.

"We don't expect any special treatment, sir. I promise that the three of us will treat this like we have treated any other type of training that Uncle Sam has provided us – with professionalism, dedication, and integrity," Carlos voiced.

"I'm glad to hear that," said Sid. "I know that the three of you work well as a unit. I hope that you are able to incorporate Jeanne-Ellen into your group. I think she could learn a lot from you. She very much has a lone wolf mentality. I also think she could help you, Steph. I know that you are often quite isolated being one of very few highly trained and talented women. As she is a bit older than you she has more experience working in a male dominated workforce. I think in that regard she could mentor you some."

"That sounds wonderful," I smiled. We chatted a little more before we left two of the highest ranked men in the CIA.

"I'd like to think that they were better judges of character than that. For them to think that Jeanne-Ellen is going to mentor you is laughable," Les said.

"Yeah," I sighed. "It took all my control not to scoff in his face."

"We'll make it work, Babe."

"I hope so," I sighed.

"We've got your back, Beautiful. Right, Carlos?"

"Always. We will _always_ have your back." That promise felt like it was about more than just our training this summer, but I'd been fooled once before. I wouldn't let myself hope.


	41. Chapter 41

AN: Hi, everyone. First, I want to thank everyone for your wonderful reviews and private messages. I love the feedback :) Second, well, you all my want to kill me, but next week's chapter will likely be delayed in being posted. It is only half-written at this point in time and therefore not even with my awesome beta. Real life interfered this past week with finishing up home projects in preparation for my BFF and her fiancée's arrival. They'll be visiting for a week, so I have no clue if I will get a chance to write before they leave. I hope you all understand. Thanks and have a great week or two!

As always, I do not own any of the recognizable characters. They belong to the funny and entertaining Janet Evanovich. The AU, plot, and any mistakes belong to me.

* * *

Chpt. 41

The first week of training was relatively boring – at least to Les, Carlos, and me. We spent the majority of it being tested and evaluated on the skills we had already acquired. One of Jeanne-Ellen's Pararescue friends was the first to go home. My inner bitch was happy that she lost one of her buddies. I hoped that meant that Pararescue training was subpar and that Jeanne-Ellen would go home soon after.

The second week started with a team activity in the morning and then one-on-one training in the afternoon. To say that our first team activity was a near bust would be putting it mildly – all because of Jeanne-Ellen. Monday we received the assignment, Tuesday we did recon, Wednesday we planned and did more recon, Thursday we reevaluated and revised our plan, and Friday we saw our plan go up in smoke. Carlos and I had to improvise so that we could get Les out of the building with the data.

We were given the task to "borrow intelligence", which actually meant download a dummy database or program, from a local defense contractor, BHA Industries. In large part, our operation was meant to test BHA's physical and technological security. Carlos and I did the reconnaissance work and were providing technological support for the so-called mission, but unlike Les and Jeanne-Ellen, we couldn't get on the BHA campus. We would never pass through security at the gates because they search all vehicles, and ours is outfitted with a lot of snooping technology – everything a defense contractor would hate to have on their property, unless it was their own.

Les and Jeanne-Ellen were going in with the intent to get the data. Les being the more technological of the two would actually get into their server room and download the information while Jeanne-Ellen kept the senior systems administrator, Riley, far away from his office since it was located right next to the server room. In addition to his office location, Riley was the only person in the company that determined who was allowed in the server room. He would most definitely sound the alarm if he saw Les in there since he wouldn't recognize him. Unfortunately for the team, she didn't do her homework and research Riley. Carlos and I had to listen to Jeanne-Ellen, the train wreck.

"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry!" she exclaimed after she "ran into him" right when he picked up his coffee, causing him to spill it all down his shirt.

"Oh, um, it's ok," mumbled Riley.

"No, it's not. It's a sin to waste good coffee! Let me buy you another cup, though you really should watch where you're going!" she told him. I started rubbing my temples, trying to mitigate the headache that was starting to form.

Speaking into the microphone so that Jeanne-Ellen could hear me on her earwig, I said," Don't tell him that he's in the wrong! You are the one who bumped into him. Giggle and flirt with him. Ask him if he likes video games. He is a computer guy – they typically love them." I looked over at Carlos who was clenching his jaw. Apparently he was as unhappy as I was.

"I'm really sorry," Riley mumbled to her. I wouldn't doubt it if he wasn't making eye contact with her. "I really need to get back to my office to change shirts."

"Oh, I'm sure you're fine! Spilled coffee never hurt anybody!" Jeanne-Ellen said.

"No, it's really burning. I think I'm getting second degree burns. Sorry about running into you," Riley replied.

"Stop! You can't go back yet. You need to eat lunch with me. That way you can make up for the coffee," I heard Jeanne-Ellen practically bark.

"Jeanne, you can't tell him he effed up. _You_ _ran into him_. You also can't _yell_ at him. If you haven't noticed, he's easily intimidated. Besides, you basically just blew the mission by telling him he 'can't go back yet,'" Carlos stated calmly into the mic.

"Yeah, I don't know, I really have some work I need to finish up. You know, deadlines and all," Riley said. From the sound of Jeanne-Ellen cursing under her breath, I'm assuming he left for his office.

"Les, what's the status on the download?" Carlos asked.

"About five minutes, I'd say," he replied.

"Shit. Whatever you do, don't leave the server room when you're done unless we tell you it's safe. Jeanne didn't delay Riley for long; he's on his way back to his office now," Carlos told him.

"Fuck. What's the new plan?" Les asked us.

"Give us a minute," I replied. I looked at Carlos and muted our mics. "We need a different diversion – a diversion that will get everyone out of the building so that Les can leave with the crowd. Our alternative plans didn't account for Jeanne-Ellen's complete inability to talk to Riley for more than two minutes." We had assumed somebody would come across Les in the server room or that there might be more technical issues getting into the building. I think we all assumed that Jeanne-Ellen could at least be somewhat personable with a man. Apparently, Riley didn't rank high enough in her eyes to put forth any effort.

"We can always go the high school route and pull the fire alarm. There's a branch of the local fire department only five minutes away. I can hot wire any vehicle. I have no doubt that I can steal a fire truck. Can you manage to steal some of the firemen's gear so that we can be disguised?" Carlos asked me.

"I think I can manage. Did you get your improvisation inspiration from _Mission Impossible_?"

"Okay, then we have a plan. And yeah, Les and I just watched that movie the night before we came to Camp Peary," he told me. Carlos then unmuted the mic, "Les, switch your earwig to frequency 136 so that you're on the same one as Jeanne…." Carlos then switched over to Jeanne-Ellen's frequency. "You there Les?"

"I hear ya," Les replied.

"In ten minutes access the emergency systems server and set the fire alarm to go off. We're going to go steal a fire truck and suits. That way you can exit the server room with nobody watching. Meet us in the bathroom in the northwest quadrant. We'll have a fireman's gear for you and nobody will be the wiser. Jeanne-Ellen, you can then drive the car you and Les came in back to camp. I don't want you two to be seen together since Riley will recognize you now. We'll ditch the fire truck near where we'll leave our car," Carlos explained to our teammates.

Once everyone was on the same page, we took off for the firehouse. Carlos and I managed to steal a fire truck and gear with relative ease. Nobody was around the garage area and we were able to cover our faces with hat and hoodies, making sure to keep our faces tilted down and away from the the cameras. As we drove in the truck, I asked him, "So, did you ever think your grand theft auto experience from high school would help you out in life?"

Carlos laughed at my question. "No, can't say that I did and I'm sure my parents would adamantly tell you that the skills used for grand theft auto are not _useful_ _life skills_. But, it's not the first time I've had to use them since then. Let's just say that Les and I are masters. It's very helpful when things get shot to hell."

"Oh my God! How many times have you guys stolen vehicles on your missions?" I asked, bouncing up and down in my seat.

"Eh, a handful of times. Whatever you do, never ask Tank to shimmy the lock on a car door. After the second broken window, he's not allowed to do anything other than get in it."

I burst out laughing. "I wish you could tell me the stories that go along with that. I bet they're hilarious, but I know you can't. I'm sure they're classified."

"Babe." That meant I was right and he couldn't tell me the stories.

We pulled up to BHA Industries, dressed in the stolen gear to "check out" the alarm. We did an initial sweep of the building. Carlos carried the bag of "tools" that really had the jacket, pants, and hat for Les and met up with him in the bathroom so he could change. While he changed, I turned off the alarm, and then we all went back to the truck. Carlos told the head of security that the building was fine and it was just a false alarm. We hopped back in the fire truck, and drove to where we left our van in an old abandoned industrial area. We shed the gear, leaving it in the truck, and drove back to the Farm in the van.

"So what the hell did Jeanne-Ellen even do?" Les asked us. We had his earwig on a different frequency so that he'd have minimal distractions so he could accomplish his task.

"Well, she managed to make Riley spill coffee on himself, then tell him it was his fault. She yelled at him that he needed to eat lunch with her so they could make up the whole accident to each other. Basically she was mean, self-absorbed, and far from engaging," I replied.

"Fuck. I know that we are here to be trained for a joint Army-CIA taskforce, and our circumstances are different than most recruits, but if we fail enough team missions, we might actually get booted," Les worried.

"I know. I had the same thoughts," I said.

"Babe, we won't. Don't worry. They recorded the whole mission with Jeanne-Ellen's pin and Les' glasses. Plus, they have the audio from us. The three of us will be fine…."

Unfortunately, we still had to have our mission reviewed by our mentors and it wasn't private. All teams' missions are reviewed Friday afternoons in the auditorium so that we can learn from one another.

After listening to two other groups' reviews, I felt slightly better about the dressing down that I knew we were about to receive. One group completely failed to accomplish the goal. They sounded like they were poor tacticians. The other group ahead of us accomplished their mission objective, but improvised way more than we had, making things overly complicated. Then it was our turn. We all walked up and sat in the chairs on the stage while everyone watched our video feeds and listened to Carlos' and my audio. Watching Jeanne-Ellen's video feed was more painful that just listening to it. I cringed multiple times while viewing it.

Our teachers and Sid quickly conferred with each other before Sid gave us our review. "First, I have to say that Ranger and Stephanie did a good job improvising so they could get their teammates safely out of the building. That said, I can't say that we're thrilled that you stole a fire truck, mainly just due to the safety of the local community; however, in a real operation, you should and would do everything and anything to get your people out without risking your teammates' or your safety, and stealing an emergency service vehicle would work.

"Les, I can't fault you for anything except that you did show your entire face to one of the security cameras near the server room which could have compromised your future exit plans. Work a little harder on being aware of your surroundings, but otherwise, great job. You were the quickest at accessing the server and downloading the information out of all the other teams.

"Now Jeanne-Ellen, out of your team, you were the weakest. It did not appear that you did any of the research you should have done on your mark before you went in. You failed to engage him in a conversation. You blamed him for when you 'bumped' into him. Blaming someone will never help you start and maintain a conversation. All that will do is put somebody off. From there you actually yelled at him and practically gave away that you were purposely detaining him when you told him he 'can't go yet'. You need to work more one-on-one with your specific mentor so that you can work on how to engage and distract a person with conversation. If you can't, you will ultimately compromise and possibly cause a mission to fail. It could also cause death for yourself or your teammates. Think about that.

"All said, overall your team did exceptionally well. We look forward to watching your team grow," Sid detailed.

Carlos, Les, and I all breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Jeanne-Ellen, on the other hand, looked like steam was coming out of her ears. If looks could kill, Sid, and the rest of the panel would have fallen over dead. We returned to the regular auditorium seating while the next group went up for their analysis and critique. Jeanne-Ellen sat there silent and glowering for the rest of the groups. Unfortunately, at the end of all of the reviews she wasn't sent home. Instead a man that I didn't know was transferred to the training group for training as for be a CIA analyst. He just wasn't cut out for the field.

Sadly, Saturdays and Sundays weren't days of rest on the Farm. This weekend I was getting one-on-one training with Bryce, one of my many teachers. Even though I only had eyes for Carlos, it was hard to ignore that Bryce was hot with his blue-green eyes, messy brown hair, and huge smile. Today we were on a Sunday brunch "date". To everyone in the restaurant we had to appear to be a couple. What we were doing was anything but fun and flirty.

"I want you to tell me about the couple sitting three booths behind you. Obviously you can't turn around and look, nor do I want you get to up and go to the bathroom, giving you a chance to look back at them. How would you do that?" Bryce asked me, while he played with my hand and smiled at me. We happened to be sitting in a booth at the very back of the trendy restaurant that was decorated with countless autographed pictures of numerous movie stars dating all the way back to 1950s.

"I could get my compact out of my purse and pretend to powder my nose," I replied smiling, but inside I was freaking out because I didn't know. That would be something in a bad 1960s spy movie. This wasn't something Uncle Charlie had taught me. I hated not knowing, even if I was in training so I could learn.

Bryce laughed and he appeared genuinely happy. Man he was a good actor. I'm sure this wasn't his idea of a fun Sunday mid-morning activity. "Look around the room without moving your head. See all the pictures?" When I nodded and bit my lip in concentration, he continued, "Look at the reflections in the glass. You can see a lot that way."

I starting focusing on the pictures and realized I could see a decent amount of the restaurant's patrons that way. I looked in the reflection on the large Andy Warhol print and saw the couple three booths back. "Well…the woman seems out of place here. I mean I know this is Sunday brunch and all, but we don't wear fascinators in America. I'd venture to say she's British…."

"Good, now what do you notice about the hostess who is heading towards us," he asked. "And remember, pretend to look at me and flirt. Remember, you have to be able to act while remaining aware of your surroundings, observing, and collecting data."

Right. I had to pretend to flirt. Well, I could actually flirt with him. He's certainly cute enough, but that might be kind of embarrassing since I know he's acting. I smiled at him and tilted my head, pretending to look in his eyes. "It seems like she knows the group of girls she's seating. I'd say college student based on her face, tan, and physique. Maybe they're sorority sisters. Two of the girls have those dumb canvas bags with Greek letters ironed on them."

"You're doing very well, Stephanie. I want us to continue to appear to be a couple, but for now we'll just chat. While we are talking, you need to remain aware because I will ask you about something in the middle of our normal conversation. Understand?"

"Yeah, sure. I'm always up for a challenge," I smiled. My smile became real and large when I saw the waitress coming over with my cinnamon roll French toast and large mug of coffee. I saw Bryce's eyes flick over to the waitress and then back to me.

"Hungry?"

"Ravenous! You have no idea how much I miss real, tasty food. That stuff in the cafeteria should not be considered food!" I shuddered.

"It is pretty awful. I think I lost fifteen pounds when I went through training. Salad with grilled chicken was basically the only edible thing in there."

The waitress interrupted us. "Here's your food and more coffee. Do you need anything else?"

Bryce looked at me and I shook my head. "No, we're both good. Thank you very much." He gave her a dazzling smile. I could tell she was affected because she stared at him longer than normal and shook her head before smiling again and leaving.

"Do you always overwhelm the waitresses with your smile?" I asked laughing while I cut up my French toast.

"Inherited hazard, though I would say my smile isn't as potent as my dad's. I've seen him smile at women before and then watched them as they walk straight into walls right after."

"With great power there must also come great responsibility," I winked at him.

"Spider-Man fan?" He took a huge bite out of his bacon.

I moaned my way through my first couple of bites of my breakfast before I responded, but not before I saw Bryce shoot me a look and shift uncomfortably. "An ex-boyfriend really liked Spider-Man. I'm more of a Wonder Woman type of girl."

"Tell me what you think is going on with the sorority girls' table," he asked while swirling his piece of pancake in the maple syrup.

"Looks like some sort of drama. Something happened at last night's mixer that caused a rift between curly haired blonde on the far right and the auburn haired girl on the far left. I think that's part of the reason they're seated at opposite ends of the table. Something definitely happened last night that upset the girl with auburn hair. A few minutes ago the girl sitting next to her physically restrained her." I cut off another piece of my decadent cinnamon roll French toast. Whoever came up with this idea for day old cinnamon rolls was a genius!

"Do you always moan your way through a meal?" he asked me, shifting again. Really, what was up with guys shifting around in their seats when I'm eating with them?

"I guess, maybe. Most of my friends just laugh at me. Why?"

"Well, it's a very discernible behavior of yours. If you go under cover, you'll have to reign that in because it's too…_memorable_."

"Is it really that strange? Don't most people say how good food is?"

Bryce looked at me and sighed. "Promise me you won't file some sort of sexual harassment complaint against me and I'll explain."

_**What?**_ "Um…yeah, I promise."

"When you moan like that, it sounds like you're having an orgasm or at least that will be what guys think."

_**Oh, my God! **_Now I understood why all my guy friends shift uncomfortably in their seats when we eat. I just thought that maybe they ate to much. I could feel my cheeks go up in flames. I wanted to just slip off the booth seat and hide under the table. And then I realized that would come off as sexual as well. I opened my mouth to respond and then closed it. I opened it again and nothing came out. I decided to focus on cutting up more of my French toast. I'd just have to make sure I ate it without moaning.

"Stephanie, sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you. Honestly, it's pretty hot and an adorable trait at the same time. It's not often that girls actually enjoy their food considering so many are worried about their weight. It's just something you need to pay attention to if you are in the field. I'd prefer for you to come back from missions alive rather than dead."

"Yeah, no, no, you were right to tell me. I'm just kind of mortified that nobody told me sooner. I mean I have some close guy friends. I'd have thought they'd at least tell me."

"They probably didn't want to embarrass you."

"Yeah, it would've been _less_ _embarrassing_ coming from them. Believe me. We've known each other through some awful stuff. I can't believe they didn't tell me."

"Just learn how to control it, but don't change that about you. Now, let's change the subject so we can pretend to be a believable couple," Bryce told me.

The rest of brunch went smoothly. I learned a lot and was now looking for different places where I could see reflections so I could watch others surreptitiously. However, I remained embarrassed for the rest of my one-on-one lesson with Bryce which lasted all day and went well into the evening. When I got back to the dorm I walked into our room only to see Jeanne-Ellen with a trainee handcuffed to the bed. I turned around on my heel, walked out, and went to Carlos' and Les' door and banged on it. Carlos opened the door, his hair sticking up in different directions, mussed from sleep.

"What the hell?" he asked.

"Don't even give me attitude! I just walked in on Jeanne-Ellen with one of her Pararescue buddies and I didn't need to see that! And that only topped off my mortifying day. You want to know why?" I growled at him while walking into their room.

"Why?" Les asked. He was lounging on his bed, watching TV.

"Because I just found out why you all shift uncomfortably when we eat together! And you want to know who told me?" I snarled. Carlos just raised an eyebrow. Les was about to fall on the ground laughing. I really needed to kick his ass. Ugh! "My mentor,_ Bryce!_ And you want to know why that makes it more embarrassing? Because he's actually hot! It's not like we're close. If it had come from one of you two, I would have only been _slightly embarrassed!_ Instead, right now I'm freaking uncomfortable with my trainer!"

"Babe." I just glared at him. I didn't even want to try to decode Carlos-speak tonight.

"Give me a shirt and let me sleep with you. There's no way I'm going back into my room tonight," I demanded of Carlos. He got up and pulled an oversize black t-shirt out for me. I caught it, went into the bathroom to change and get ready for bed.

When I came back into the guys' room, the lights were off. The room was illuminated with the flickering light of the TV.

I crawled over Carlos who was already in bed and slipped under the covers. I had to cuddle with him since we all had single beds. Resting my head on his shoulder and my hand on his chest, I said, "Good night guys."

"Night, Beautiful!"

"Good night, Babe. And I'm sorry you were embarrassed. I love that about you. It can just…trigger certain biological reactions."

"You're going to try to be all scientific? What? Do you think that sounds less awkward than saying my moans at meals give guys hard-ons?"

"Babe."

"Ugh." Men!

"Sleep. Forget about today. It's not important."

"Says you. Now I'm going to feel awkward eating with everyone!"

"Don't feel awkward. Feel powerful. I don't know of another woman who could elicit such a response. Now get some sleep." He fell asleep quickly. I, on the other hand, had to practice relaxation techniques before I was calm enough to fall into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

Check my pinterest page (URL is in my profile) for an example of a fascinator.


	42. Chapter 42

AN: Here's a short chapter. Hopefully, I'll have a longer one for you next week.

Please note that at this point, the story is in the early 2000s. To an extent I have been trying to keep aspects of the story somewhat accurate to each year - the songs Steph chooses were released in that year or earlier, the perfume Carlos' one-night stand wore was popular in that year, etc. I think it's well-established that the CIA used torture to gather intelligence during this time period. I'm not saying they collected accurate data, nor am I saying that I agree with the use of torture; however, I have no doubts that CIA agents were taught different "techniques" like what I tried to gloss over for the most part. If you are uncomfortable reading about it, I understand and promise that there will be no discussion of torture in Chpt. 43.

* * *

Chpt. 42

The third week of training was spent on more soft-skills. After our trainers watched multiple flubs from our training class' first mission, then decided we needed to be able to better handle and collect data on people. I personally think it had something to do with Jeanne-Ellen's yelling at poor Riley, who did in fact have to go to the hospital for treatment of second degree burns.

We had lots of "field trips" to practice on the general public. Out of our group, Les and I were the best trainees that were able to interact with people and collect the information needed. I played up my girl-next-door appeal and flirted my way into getting what I needed from my marks, including pickpocketing a few of them and later returning the items without being caught. And if my mark was inebriated, I was even easier for me to manipulate them into giving me what I wanted. I felt half-bad and half-victorious for accomplishing my tasks.

Les was able to flirt his way into getting anything he wanted, with both men and women. Men wanted to be like him, with his ability to talk to anyone, his good looks, and his ability to snag a woman's attention with just a head tilt. Women wanted to be with him because he epitomized sexy, was incredibly playful with an infectious smile, and had a great personality. Watching Les was like watching an artist create a masterpiece. Every move he made was calculated and smooth yet effortless. The man had moves I don't think anyone expected.

I was primarily effective with men and only effective half the time with women. Getting the information out of women took a lot of effort and time on my part. Les told me I was less effective with women because half of them were jealous of me. He called it the "Curse of the Pretty Girl".

Carlos' soft skills were only good when it came to women. He could seduce a nun out of her habit. I think it has to do with his 200-watt smile and that he exudes raw sensuality. It's an irresistible combination. Les told me that Carlos was just as effective with women as he was because they were Latino and they oozed sex appeal. I told Les that if they weren't careful about wrapping it before they tap it, they might have sores that ooze something gross depending on who they banged for their intel. Les visibly paled at the thought.

Then there was Jeanne-Ellen. She had no soft-skills. I fully admit that she kicks ass at hand-to-hand combat and she's a better than average sniper, not that she was remotely close to my level of skill. And that just made her angry. We were all here to train and be able to obtain data we needed by any means necessary. By the end of the third week neither Carlos, Les, nor I could figure out why she wasn't "voted off" the Farm considering she can't interact with anyone without causing a scene. After all, being a spy requires a person to be discreet. I was pretty sure she didn't even know the definition of the word.

We learned why in the fourth week of training; the most abhorrent week of training ever. They taught us how to torture people for information. Jeanne-Ellen happened to be a natural at extracting information from people in incredibly painful ways. Carlos ranked second in our group. He could get the information with relative ease, but he hated it. Neither Les nor I really had the stomach to do the physical things necessary to get the information needed. Jeanne-Ellen, on the other hand, relished it. I actually had to stop watching her torture session. Call me soft-hearted, but watching her work made me lose my lunch. Literally. We all had multiple psych evaluations. I wouldn't doubt it if hers stated she was a sadist. It would also explain her sexual predilections.

Outside of class and training, I cried a lot in the fourth week. I hated slowly hurting people to get the information I needed. It was bad enough killing someone and watching them die through my scope, but to slowly brutalize someone and drag out their imminent death was too much for me. It might be splitting hairs, but I felt that it was better to be a sniper and kill someone quickly rather than drag out their pain and death.

At the end of the week they taught us psychological ways to torture people into breaking. It was amazing how not letting a person sleep for days on end by being subjected to loud music for sixteen hours on and four hours off, and sensory deprivation would make him start spilling secrets out of exhaustion and desperation. I realized that I couldn't handle administering any form of physical torture, but I could _barely_ stomach psychological torture.

On one of our _rare_ nights off, everyone went out to the bar to drink. Technically, I wasn't twenty-one yet, but we were all going out using CIA provided aliases and mine was twenty-three. There would be no way that a townie bar would be able to spot a CIA-made fake ID. Les was off charming some poor woman who had no idea what a complete man-whore he was. Carlos actually stuck by me the whole night, which surprised and thrilled me.

"So, why aren't you off looking for your Miss Right-for-Tonight like Les is?" I asked, my curiosity finally getting the best of me.

"Hannah, Dr. Frankel who is my psychologist here, and Tank all told me I needed to find a better coping mechanism," he replied right before he sipped his beer.

I raised my eyebrows at him, failing yet again to only raise one. Talk about annoying. "So sex with random women was a coping mechanism?"

"It was a method of distracting myself."

"How's it going now?" I had noticed that he had far less nightmares this week than he did four weeks ago.

"Better." His reticence knew no bounds.

"That's good," I replied, flagging down the bartender for another beer.

"Yeah. How are you doing? I know you had problems with this week." Apparently, this was the "How is Stephanie coping?" portion of the night.

"Well, I haven't cried today. So, that's good, I guess."

"You cried yourself to sleep every night this week."

"Our training this week isn't for me. If I'm meant to do something ugly like this, I'm meant to be a sniper. I'm actually far away and it's quick and relatively painless for the person. Plus, the physical distance creates more of a sense of mental distance from the actual action. I've determined I can handle that – if I have to.

"And now I _finally_ understand why they kept Jeanne-Ellen around. I guess that was the only good part of this whole week. She's scary good at it, but I think she likes it. A lot. I mean you're good at it, but your eyes don't get all weird and you don't smile maniacally the rest of the day like she does. Something is fundamentally wrong with her." I shuddered remembering her last session. Carlos just gave me a barely perceptible nod in response.

"Did this week trigger any flashbacks for you?" he finally asked me.

"No. No flashbacks. I don't think I had any because I wasn't really a part of the physical action and just saw you guys through my scope. I just know I can't do what guys you can do."

"I don't want you to be that way. And to be honest, I don't think anyone else does either."

"Why do you say that?" I had no idea what made him think that.

"Because they barely critiqued you at all. You were definitely the worst out of the whole training class."

"Thanks, I think…." I suppose if there is one thing a girl doesn't want to be, it would be good at physically and psychologically breaking down a person.

"It isn't a bad thing. Not in my opinion. You are way too intelligent and talented to have to sully your soul that way.

"So because I'm 'talented' I got a pass on this week?"

"I think they had expectations for all of us based on our tests, service records, and psych evaluations. They had to know before you even arrived here that you are meant for more than…physical labor."

I raised my eyebrows at him. For obvious reasons there was no way we could discuss in public that we were given the training on how to torture others for intel, regardless that we were learning on low-level members al-Qaeda. I'm pretty sure most of America would agree to do this method of intel collection if it helped us make the country safe; they just don't want to actively think about it.

"Babe, you're meant for something like analyzing data and giving mission objectives, running operatives, or being a sniper in dire situations when the team you're running need that type of support. I could even see you running the Agency one day – if you wanted."

"You think I could do that stuff? And I'm ignoring the whole 'run the Agency' bit because that's just absurd!" This week had made me seriously doubt my contract, my schooling, and my future goals. I know my plans were to be an analyst, but just knowing how to do this stuff and knowing that others in the Agency will be torturing people makes me question being a part of the organization. I fall into the "I'm fine with torturing people for intel if it means our country is safer" provided I don't have to see it, think about it, or even acknowledge it.

"I think you'll be amazing at those things. Hell, you'd even make a good operative. You're unobtrusive, can get information out of people with ease because you're so likable, and people underestimate you."

"Thanks. I needed to hear that."

"Babe."

"Dance with me?" It was time for fun. I didn't want to think about this crap anymore tonight. I just wanted to visit Denial Land for the rest of the night and forget.

"Only because it's you."

We drank, danced, joked, and laughed for the rest of the night. And for the first time in months, I felt like Carlos and I were back to our version of normal. Some of the tension I'd been carry in my chest eased and I felt like I could breathe again.

_June 6, 2002_

_Song of the Day: Natalie Imbruglia, "Wrong Impression" and Robbie Williams "Feel"_

_So this week…was torture. Ha ha. Yeah, that was a truly awful joke. The fact I'm trying to joke, even about a topic that shouldn't be taken lightly, shows I'm recovering – a tiny little bit. Let's just say that there were a couple times that Carlos had to hold me while I sobbed at the end of the day and convince me not to pack my bags and go back home. Or to Miami. Or just anywhere far, far from here. _

_At the beginning of the week, Sid talked to all of us in the auditorium. He said that this week's training isn't for everyone. Heck, it's for a rare few. Most people can't handle it. I personally think those of us that have a harder time with it have a stronger conscience than those that can, but that's just my theory. Anyway, he said it's important that we all know how because we, the trainees, have to be able to do the stuff that 99.9% of Americans can't do in order to protect them. We have to be able and sometimes willing to do the most awful of things for the greater good of our country. I kept repeating that part to myself as the week wore on._

_Greater good. What happens if I don't agree with __**their **__view of the greater good? Do I have it in me to ignore my conscience and follow orders? Or do I have it in me to dissent? _

_Sometimes I feel like we've become a little overzealous and overly suspicious of people that don't look white or even black. Any person who has those skin tones in between are looked at warily. If Carlos and Les didn't have Hispanic names, I'm sure the police would be looking at them funny, too. And they are far from terrorists. They're true patriots, heroes even._

_Could I extract information from somebody if I doubted their involvement in some plot against the U.S.? What if I tried to extract the information and I was __**wrong**__?! What if they were completely innocent and knew nothing? I don't know if I could live with myself. _

_It was obvious to everyone that I am awful at info extraction. I mean truly terrible. Carlos said that he thinks I'll get a pass on this week because I excel at most everything else. They really didn't critique me much at all. Now Jeanne-Ellen, they critiqued, gave tips and tricks, and discussed in more depth how she could have been more successful. I know, that's a disturbing thought, right? Discussing the different ways to get someone to spill his guts by any means necessary._

_Jeanne-Ellen actually became alive, vivacious even, during her training and critique and that was even more incredibly alarming than her "constructive" conversation. She was like a different person. She seems happier and more animated during training than she did every time I've walked in on her and some random trainee. And that's happened a lot. I've slept in the guys' room every night this week. Some things can't just be unseen. (*__**Shudder***__) Now we know why she lasted as long as she has here. Hell, it might be her saving grace. If you can call this "talent" a grace. I'm pretty sure my Sunday School teacher would disagree._

_If the coming weeks are anything like this one, I won't make it. I really won't. I need physical and emotional distance from anything I do here that might be morally and ethically questionable. If I don't, I'll end up in daily sessions with Hannah again. This time it'll just be by phone._

_Overall, this week just sucked hairy monkey balls. The only good stuff was cuddling and talking with Carlos every night and dancing and just being together at the bar tonight. I felt like we were us again. I know that doesn't make sense, but I've felt everything was somewhat strained since the beginning of the year; since the kiss. And finally, tonight I didn't feel that strain. Maybe we've come to terms with the current status of our non-relationship. Maybe it's because we don't see each other flirting and getting it on with someone of the opposite sex. _

_Carlos and I have been completely nonsexual with each other and basically everyone else the whole time we've been here. I obviously want more, but I'm not pushing it. We have training. He is still doing therapy and working out coping mechanisms and routines. So he can't even consider anything more than what we have right now. But even though we both know (sort of) what we want with each other and our difference of opinion, I don't feel like I have those hard feelings for him anymore. Maybe that is what I'm most relieved about lately. I don't know. _

_Oh well, I need to get some shut-eye. I need to be alert to deal with learning how to make and dismantle bombs this coming week. I personally think the people here are out of their minds to teach me this, but whatever. It's not my decision. _


	43. Chapter 43

AN: Sorry for the delay! I have been writing, but I was working on some _far_ _in the future_ chapters for A Sky Full of Stars. Hopefully this chapter makes up for the delay!

* * *

Chpt. 43

Let me set the picture for you. It's 0800 and I'm sitting in a classroom (Yes, really a classroom. You thought CIA training would be more exciting than a classroom, right?) on a Monday morning. I already did my five mile run and light weights, ate breakfast, dealt with a crazy roommate and her bed-buddy from last night (And let me just say, "EWWW!" His back resembled a black bear pelt that people throw on the floor in front of fireplaces.), and got a hysterical phone call from my sister who just found out she's pregnant _and_ that her husband is cheating on her. So to say my mood was pretty foul would be an understatement.

Now, let's tack on this week's topic: Bombs. I have this gut-feeling that bombs and I will never play well together. Guns and I get along like gangbusters. It also helps that I can _control_ any type of gun I will ever come across. Nothing about bombs implies that I can control one. They're unpredictable at worst and at best, provided your bomber hasn't set the bomb up with some remote detonation device, you can disarm it, but that's a pretty freaking huge _**if**_. This is just another reason why I think I'm better suited to an office. And maybe somewhere far from the Middle East.

"These are pictures of many of the different types of make-shift bombs we have seen over the years. Study them. What sticks out to you, Burrows?" asked today's lecturer, Liam Hopkins asked Jeanne-Ellen. Since this wasn't about slowly inflicting pain, my psychotic roommate was far from interested.

"Um...none of them look like the ones you see in the movies," she said in a bored tone.

"Okay, that's a start. Plum, what do you notice?" Hopkins asked me. Of all the days I have to be called on, he picks today? Ugh!

I took a huge gulp of my coffee and studied the pictures in depth. "Well, none of them have clocks or timers or much in the way of wires."

"Exactly! Let's be realistic here. If you're a bomb-maker, and say somebody comes across _your_ pièce de résistance, do you want to advertise how much time the individual has to disarm it?" Hopkins started getting very excited while he was talking. He spoke with his hands so much that you'd assume he was Italian, except that he is blonde and blue-eyed and has a distinct British accent.

"It's highly unlikely there will be that typical movie dialogue of, 'What wire should I cut?' Besides that, a lot of the bombs that field agents will come across will be homemade and highly volatile. What does that mean you might ask? It means you should run in the bloody opposite direction of the bomb and urge everyone around you to do the same."

Lester's hand shot up.

"Yes, Mr. Santos?" asked Hopkins.

"Aren't you supposed to be teaching us how to disarm bombs? And maybe make some as well?" Les questioned.

"Yes, but you need to be aware of the reality of bombs. Most bombs are _not_ ones you can disarm yourself. If you are in a position in which you have to disarm one, the first thing you should try to do is disarm it from a distance. This is for a couple reasons. First, you don't want the possibility of getting hit with shrapnel. So take cover. The other reason is that you are a sitting duck for snipers to take out as you make your way over to the bomb and then try to disarm it.

"So the first thing is trying to disturb the energy of the bomb. Ideally, you could shoot it with a PAN disruptor which is essentially a rifle that lets you use shot gun shells, normal shells, or water shells. If you don't have one of those, a rifle will also do the trick.

"Sometimes you can't purposely blow up the bomb. Maybe it's too close to a building that can't handle the blast. Sometimes there are too many people around even if you try to clear them all out of the danger zone.

"If you can't purposely detonate the bomb, your next course of action is to remove it from the scene in a bomb containment chamber. This is obviously not the preferred method considering the risks. Ideally, you'd have a bomb disposal robot that could transport the bomb and place it into the chamber. I know that's not all that likely, but it must be said.

"Now, we are going to look at possible bomb structures and what that can tell us about the bomb…."

Eight hours later I was all bombed out. While I wasn't exactly enthusiastic about this week's topic, I had thought it would be more interesting that what it was. If the topic was something less grave, less life-or-death, I'd likely have let myself doze off during class. Unfortunately, bombs are pretty freaking dangerous and I'd like to not be turned into pink mist. So I paid attention. And drank _a lot_ of coffee.

The following day was more hands on. We were taught how to make distraction bombs. Again, it wasn't all that thrilling to me, but I could see the value. Plus, there was the added adrenaline high I got from dealing with something so dangerous.

"One of the easiest and most distracting bombs you can make is the fire bomb, also known as the Molotov cocktail. All of you have heard of this, yes?" Hopkins asked us. When we all nodded in response, he continued on. "One of the reasons why it is so easy to make is because you can find the items to make it in most anyone's house. All you need is a glass bottle so it will shatter on impact, a flammable substance like alcohol or gasoline, a rag, and a match or lighter. Something else to consider is adding a substance to help your flammable substance stick to your target. Examples of these would be Vaseline, dish soap, and motor oil."

Hopkins continued to teach us how to make improvised bombs for the rest of the day. I wish we had stopped at Molotov cocktails. Of course, it's not like I could come out to the teacher and say I had a bad feeling about the rest of the day. Maybe I should have, but I doubt he would have listened.

We were all paired up and given the ingredients needed to make different bombs. In order to be safe, the ingredients had been pared down and mixed with other ingredients that would keep us from burning down the facility. I was paired with Jeanne-Ellen. I had no idea what I had done to deserve being paired with her. All I could come up with was that I was a horrible person in a past life and this was some sort of karmic justice.

"No! You're not doing it right!" Jeanne-Ellen screeched at me. "You're supposed to add the white phosphorus first. Can't you read you bitchy butterface?"

"Bitchy butterface?" I shrieked in return. "I'm not the bitch in this scenario! Nor am I ugly! I certainly haven't paid for my nose, lips, and boobs like you have! I'm pretty sure if you look up 'butterface' in the Urban Dictionary, your face is the definition!

"And I can obviously read as I'm reading the directions right now and you're putting the ingredients in there incorrectly. You're not even properly measuring!" In retrospect, I _probably_ should have kept my cool.

"I can't believe you said that, you little skank!" That's when she flung over our partially made bomb at me, which then knocked over two more previously made bombs. It was like bomb dominos. Mini fires erupted and threw sparks. And my hair got a good one-second flash of a huge flame, singeing my hair, my eyebrows, and my eyelashes. The smell of burning hair made me want to vomit just as much as the thought of my scorched hair.

Sometime during the flash firebomb frenzy, Les tackled Paratrooper Barbie. Hopkins was calling for security. And Carlos came to make sure that I wasn't hurt. He gave me a slow perusal, making sure that I only suffered damage to my hair and that I didn't have any burns.

"Are you alright, Babe?" he brushed my hair back from my face, making lots of pieces break and fall from my head.

"What do you mean by 'alright'?"

"Are you injured?"

"Uh…I don't think so." I was in a state of total shock. I was pretty sure I was fine, physically speaking.

"No burns that I can't see?"

"No…the burning flesh smell is m-m-my h-h-hair," I stuttered, trying desperately to keep my tears at bay.

"It's not that bad. You'll look cute with short hair."

"I don't want _short _hair! My hair is supposed to be _long_ and look at it! Half of my identity is my hair!" I wiped away the tears that had started to course down my cheeks. I held up my hair. Every piece in the front appeared to be singed up to my chin.

"Babe, really?" I'm pretty sure that meant, "Why is your hair part of your identity, let alone half of it?" _Maybe_ I was being a touch overly dramatic, but I'm a girl and our hair is important to us. It determines if we have a good day or a bad day, just by how it cooperates when styling it in the morning.

Hopkins came over to see how I was doing also. He already spoke to Jeanne-Ellen. It looked more like he whisper-yelled at her, but I couldn't hear what he actually said to her.

"How are you doing, Plum?" he asked me.

"Oh you know…another day, another disaster. I'm fine. Nothing a good hairstylist can't fix," I replied. I had managed to wipe away my tears before he got close enough to see them. I was lying through my teeth, but he didn't need to know that I was basically a basket-case all because of my charred hair.

"This incident will be reviewed by the higher ups, but every classroom has security cameras. With my statement, and the statements of your classmates, I don't foresee you receiving any disciplinary action," Hopkins disclosed.

"And Jeanne-Ellen?" Carlos growled, he was holding me close to his side and glaring at my roommate.

"I doubt she will remain a trainee," Hopkins replied. "I'm going to dismiss class for the rest of the day as I obviously need to meet with everyone's superiors. Why don't you go get cleaned up? I will let the security office know that you and Carlos have my permission to leave the campus so you can get your hair straightened out."

"Thank you, sir," Carlos replied for me. I just nodded in agreement. At that moment security arrived to remove Jeanne-Ellen from the classroom. Les strolled over to us now that he was no longer restraining my roommate.

"I always knew you were a bombshell, Beautiful, but this takes it to a whole new level," he laughed, wiggling his eyebrows up and down. I burst into a fit of semi-hysterical laughing.

"You know me. I never want to bore anyone. We needed a little excitement, right?" I laughed. "Pyrotechnics is always an easy way to get a little thrill."

"You never disappoint, Babe," Carlos gave me an almost imperceptible smile and started guiding me out of the room with Les tagging along. "Let's go get your hair fixed."

Four hours later I had chin length curls, which made me incredibly unhappy. As Carlos pointed out, I should focus on the positives – like my hair will take a lot less time to style in the mornings, meaning I can sleep for an extra fifteen minutes each day. Getting to sleep in a little longer is always a good reason to smile.


	44. Chapter 44

Happy new year! Sorry for dropping off the face of the earth. The end of November and all of December is incredibly busy for us with multiple birthdays and, of course, the holidays. I promise that I'll start posting again on a regular basis.

A huge thanks to my beta, Got2BeBabe, who is always willing to discuss the chapters and direction of the story.

As always, all recognizable characters belong to JE. All mistakes are my own.

* * *

Chpt. 44

I glared at my hair in the mirror. Now that I had shorter hair I could no longer put my hair back in a ponytail or a bun on awful hair days like this one. Extra sleep was great and all, but the tradeoff didn't make didn't make having short hair bearable.

Today was the last day of training. I'd hoped that I'd look better for our so-called "graduation", but I didn't have much hope. I rummaged around in my hair supplies in search of a barrette. Maybe it would answer my prayers this morning, but that wasn't likely. I finally gave up and pulled out two hairbands. I could just barely pull my hair into two little pigtails. They looked more like pompoms made out of hair, but it was the best I could do. Oh well.

Our "graduation" was really just dinner at a nice restaurant with our mentors and teachers. It's not like we could have a ceremony for all of our friends and family considering that we were all there in secret.

There was a knock on the bathroom door that led into the guys' room. Les called out, "You ready yet beautiful?"

"Ugh! I guess. I'm frustrated right now," I replied.

"Babe, can I come in?" Carlos said from the other side of the door.

"Sure, I'm dressed." I looked at myself in the mirror again. This was as good as I was going to look. At least my makeup and dress looked nice.

"What's the issue?" Carlos asked as he walked in.

"Yeah, you look gorgeous as always, Beautiful."

"You have to ask? Really? Look at my hair!"

"Your puffs are cute," Carlos said as he gave one a gentle tug.

"If you weren't trying to be nice, I'd punch you. No woman wants to look 'cute'." Carlos raised an eyebrow in response. The man's apparent refusal to use words was incredibly frustrating, even though I could generally interpret his silent communication. Maybe I should start calling him Ranger the Reticent.

"He didn't say you were cute. He said, 'Your puffs are cute.' And before you hit me, you're not cute or adorable, but your hair kinda is," Les said.

"I don't know if I should hug you or hit you both," I said.

"Duh! You should always hug us! That's a given," Les said. I just shook my head and laughed at his antics. I hugged them both because, while they weren't successful, they were trying to be supportive. Men just couldn't understand the importance of a woman's hair.

"Come on, Babe. We need to get going if you want to get to dinner on time. Do you really want to miss out on the best food you'll have had in months because of your hair?"

Well, when he put it like that, it was hard to argue. I was desperately missing _good_ food – namely carbs and desert. A girl cannot survive on salad and grilled chicken alone, at least not happily. The unintentional diet had done wonders for my figure, ridding my body of the donut and beer weight. I had a six pack again. And to top that, I now had the best booty this side of the Mason-Dixon line.

Carlos and Les ushered me out of the bathroom and down to the vans that were taking us to dinner at the Libertango Tavern.

At dinner, I sat between Carlos and Bryce and across from Les. Bryce and I had become as close as was appropriate for a mentor-mentee relationship. I fully admit to having a tiny crush on him and if I wasn't desperately in love with Carlos, I'd probably have fallen for Bryce. This summer I realized I have a thing for guys who are five to ten years older than me and therefore unobtainable. Apparently, I have issues.

"Are you ready to head back to Florida?" Bryce asked me.

"Oh my God, you have no idea! I miss eating good food on a regular basis and the beach. Do you see how pasty white I've become since I've arrived here? I'm normally a beautiful shade of bronze by now," I said, sighing when I looked at my pale arms.

Carlos just looked at me and shook his head. Les burst out laughing. "Aren't you the girl who makes fun of others who are too tan and look like oompa loompas?"

"I'll have you know that getting a tan on the beach is completely different than laying in a tanning bed! And I always use sunblock, but I still tan! Now I just look like I've been indoors all summer. _I miss the sun!_"

"I think you look pretty without a tan, Steph," Bryce told me.

I felt Carlos' arm slide behind me in a silent response to Bryce's comment. Les' eyes were dancing with amusement. I don't think anyone missed Carlos' possessive reaction. Bryce looked mildly amused as well.

"So what are your plans now that you're done training us?" I asked my mentor while I discreetly elbowed Carlos in the ribs for being a Neanderthal.

"I'll be out in the field for a while. Don't be surprised if I don't respond to your emails for a while," he said.

"Good to know. Call me superstitious, but I swear this works and it's so much better than 'good luck'. I tell Carlos and Les this before every mission: Don't get shot," I told Bryce. He laughed at me.

"That seems like an odd good luck phrase, but I'll take it. I'll let you know when I'm back stateside."

"We'll have to meet up when you get back. You can tell me a random story about a random occurrence in a random city that happened at some point in time. Of course, you won't have to go into specifics," I told Bryce.

"You're _almost_ the perfect girl, Steph," Bryce told me. Carlos' arm tightened around me, pulling me tightly into his side. "Of course, you'd have to be single to be absolutely perfect."

"Funny. Ha. Ha. I'm single, regardless of how this one is currently acting," I said, jerking my head towards Carlos.

"I beg to differ," Bryce replied, laughing.

"I agree. You're taken, Babe."

I whipped my head around and looked Carlos in the eye. "Did I miss something?"

"No."

"Am I having some sort of momentary amnesia? Did we have some discussion that I'm forgetting?" I asked Carlos. Everyone else at the long table of Farm graduates, teachers, and mentors ceased to exist. My universe consisted solely of Carlos and me.

"No."

"Care to clue me in then?"

"You're mine and I'm yours," Carlos told me.

"Uh…don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled to hear you say this, ecstatic even, but I'm confused. I thought you were still against relationships, especially one with me. I thought you said we weren't ready." I looked at him, confusion marring my face.

"We weren't a few months ago, but I think we're ready now. I'm doing better. I know how to deal with the missions now and you understand what my job entails. You're the perfect girl…for me, nobody else," Carlos told me.

"Are you sure? You're not going to reject me tomorrow, are you?" It wouldn't be the first time he acted one way and said the opposite the next day. The difference was that he was sober tonight.

"I'm not going to reject you tomorrow or the day after that. We're starting _someday_ right now," Carlos said, resting his forehead against mine, looking into my eyes.

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"We've never even had a date."

"How about I take you out on Saturday night? Does that work for you?" he asked. That was in two days. That would give us time to travel back to Miami and settle in. Carlos and Les had a week of leave scheduled and planned to spend it in Miami before they had to return to Georgia.

"Yes," I said. A huge smile spread across my face. "I can't wait."

"_We're going to do this, Babe. And it's going to be good._"(Evanovich 83)

* * *

Janet Evanovich, _Hard Eight. _St. Martin's Paperbacks, 2003. Print.


	45. Chapter 45

Chpt. 45

I looked at myself in the mirror and decided I looked good. My hair was even cooperating for once. I glanced at the clock. I was even ready fifteen minutes before Carlos said he'd come pick me up. He left the house around 0900 to workout with Les, run errands, and give me time to get ready. He said he'd pick me up at 1900. He wanted us to have the typical "first date anticipation". At first I thought he was being ridiculous, but I concluded he was right. I was ecstatic that we were finally going on a date. The nervous anticipation of him seeing me dressed and made up only increased my excitement.

Nerves were getting to me a little bit, causing me to start to obsess about my hair and makeup.

Forcing myself out of my bedroom so I wouldn't mess up all of my beauty preparations, I walked out into the kitchen.

"_Hola, Stephanie. Estás guapísima_," Abuela told me. [Hello, Stephanie. You're beautiful.]

"Thank you, Abuela. How was your book club meeting?" I asked.

"Those little biddies, I swear they need more hobbies. Instead of talking about _Como Agua Para Chocolate_, they talked about how Nahia's _nieta está embarazada y no casada__._ You'd think by now that they'd be a little more _progresiva_. Nobody hopes for that for their child or grandchild, but this is **America** and it's not like we're back in the 50's. But listening to them, you'd think the world had ended. You'd think they'd know by now that we don't need men to save us. I think I need to find a feminist book club. I was ready to hit them all over their heads with my purse!" Abuela's hands flew around wildly as she expressed her disgust with how her book club cohorts reacted to the news. [Like Water for Chocolate, a book by Laura Esquival. …Nahia's granddaughter is pregnant and not married. …progressive.]

"They sound a lot like my mom's friends back in New Jersey. All they ever did was gossip about people going through bad times in their lives. Valerie still has that mentality. Talk about making things worse. I hope Nahia's granddaughter has a supportive family. How old is she?"

"I think she's about your age. Maybe a year older. I only met her once, years ago. She was a nice girl. Wild, but sweet."

I glanced at the clock. Carlos, the man who was permanently punctual, was fifteen minutes late. I hoped he didn't change his mind about dating me. I didn't think I could handle the rejection again. I started biting my lip as my nerves increased with each passing moment. Abuela was oblivious while she cooked her dinner; she was still focused on her book club's poor behavior, occasionally sighing, shaking her head, and clenching her hands.

By the time Abuela finished cooking and eating her dinner, an hour had passed since I had first walked out of my room. Carlos was now forty-five minutes late. He hadn't even called. I started picking at my nails which I had just polished for our apparently aborted date.

Abuela finally noticed that her grandson had failed to pick me up for our date an hour after he was supposed to have arrived.

"_¿Dónde está mi nieto? Debe estar aquí."_ She asked me. [Where's my grandson? He should be here.]

"I don't know. Apparently, he decided he didn't want me. Again. I don't know what to think anymore," I said, my bottom lip trembled and tears pooled in my eyes.

"_Oh, __mi dulcita. Lo siento. Supe que él no estaba lista para ti_. _Podré golpearle_." [Oh, my sweetie. I'm sorry. I knew he wasn't ready for you. I could hit him.]

"_Podrás golpearle tanto como querás, pero sólo después de que le dé una patada en los cojones entonces no podrá dejar a una mujer encinta,_" I replied through clenched teeth. [You can hit him as much as you want, but only after I kick him in the balls so he'll never be able to have children.]

"Oh Stephanie, _ven aquí_," she told me. When I walked over she gathered me in her arms and hugged me tightly. […come here.]

"I just don't get it," I mumbled into her shoulder.

"I don't pretend to understand _mi nieto_. Come. Let's go watch a show and give him another hour to show up. Maybe he'll surprise us and have a really good reason for being so incredibly late." […my grandson.]

"'Kay, but I doubt it," I muttered as she guided me into the family room and pushed me onto the love seat. She put on an episode of _Law &amp; Order_ in hopes of catching my attention. Instead I just stared at the television blankly.

Four hours after Carlos failed to pick me up for our date, I trudged into my bedroom. I looked at my journal sitting on my nightstand. I should write in it, express my emotions. At least that's what Hannah would tell me to do. The biggest problem with that was that I didn't know how I felt – at least not entirely. I was pretty certain though, that if I starting writing, I'd start sobbing. Writing helped me process and move past things and I wasn't ready to move past this. I wasn't ready to give up the tiniest shred of hope I had left in me. I'd protect it until he told me we were over.

* * *

I woke up the following morning at 0800 feeling as though I hadn't slept at all. I refused to get up for the day. I quickly ran to the bathroom to pee and then dashed right back into my room. Abuela would want to talk and I didn't have it in me. I didn't want to hear her words of consolation. I didn't want to put on a cheery façade to face the world like mine didn't just fall apart last night. I just wanted to be alone.

Sadly, my stomach refused to stay in hiding and growled vociferously. I finally dragged my exhausted body out of bed at 1300. Hearing voices as I walked into the hallway, I silently crept down the hallway so I could eavesdrop with relative ease. I heard Abuela's voice start speaking.

"How can I help you two?" she asked.

I heard Carlos sigh. "I was hoping that Rachel could move in with you while I am living on base or out on missions. Her family kicked her out. We know we messed up and we're handling this the best that we can. In their eyes though, it doesn't matter that I married her and the child won't be born out of wedlock."

**Married? Pregnant! Oh, my God! **My heart shattered. The tiny sliver of hope that I had preserved last night turned to ash.

"Yes, yes, of course she can move in. And I'm very sorry that your family isn't supporting you during this difficult time, Rachel," Abuela said. I imagined Abuela patting Rachel's hand.

"Me, too," I heard a woman, who I was assuming was Rachel, reply. "And thank you…for not condemning us like my family did and for allowing me to live here."

"Carlos, can I talk to you alone?" Abuela asked.

"_Podemos hablar español. Ella no lo entiende mucho. Sus padres no lo hablan en la casa_," he said. [We can speak Spanish. She doesn't understand much. Her parents don't speak it in the house.]

"_¿Has pensado de todos? Sé que el bebé es lo más importante y te preocupes por su esposa pero, pienso que olvidaste de tus planes con Steph anoche. Te esperó por muchas horas. ¿Has pensado en que vas a contarse a ella o qué se parece esta nueva situación de residencia? Ella ha vivido conmigo por un año. Esta casa fue su hogar primero. Está enamorada contigo y ahora su cónyuge nueva está mudándose conmigo también," _Abuela spoke quickly and quietly. [Have you thought about everything? I know that the baby is the most important thing and that you're worried about your wife, but I think you forgot about your plans with Steph last night. She waited for you for hours. Have you thought about what you are going to tell her or how she's going to feel about these different living arrangements? She's lived with me for a year. This was her home first. She's in love with you and now your new wife is moving in with me also.]

I had to strain to hear what she said. She had started speaking in a quieter voice when speaking only to Carlos.

"_No olvidé, pero no supe lo que contarle. Le había acabado de prometir a ella nuestro algún día. Y sé que ella me odiará. En este momento me odio. No quiero romper su corazón. Pero…ahora tengo que poner el bebé enfrente de todo. Tengo que esperar que no voy a perderle completamente." _[I didn't forget, but I didn't know what to tell her. I had just promised her our someday. And I know that she'll probably hate me. At the moment I hate me. I don't want to break her heart. But…now I have to put the baby before everything else. I have to hope that I won't completely lose her.]

"_Carlitos, no hay ningún mujer que se queda y espera a alguien en esta situación." _[Carlitos, there's no woman who'd stay and wait for somebody in this situation.]

"_Abuela, lo sé, pero d__eseo que, por lo menos, podemos seguir amigos." _[Abuela, I know, but I hope we can at least continue to be friends.]

"_Pienso que quieres demasiado de ella." _[I think you want too much from her.]

"_Tengo que esperar porque le necesito en mi vida." _[I have to hope because I need her in my life.]

"_Algunos personas pueden solamente manejar tanto y Steph ha sufrido más que la mayoría. Ella tiene una fuerza que le permite continuar vivir aunque ha sufrido tanto, pero los quienes le hicieron daño son muertos. No estoy seguro que pueda continuar vivir su vida con una persona viva en su vida quien le haga daño diario. " _[Some people can only handle so much and Steph has suffered more than most people. She has a strength/force that lets her to continue living even though she's suffered so much, but those who hurt her are dead. I'm not sure she can continue to live her life with a living person who continues to hurt her on a daily basis.]

"_Si ella quiere terminar nuestra amistad, no lo protesto. Por favor, continua apoyarle y cuídale cuando no puedo," _Carlo said, his voice catching ever so slightly.[If she wants to end our friendship, I won't fight it. Please continue to support and take care of her when I can't.]

"_Siempre le apoyo y la cuido, pero ella lo rechazará," _Abuela said.[I'll always support and take care of her, but she might refuse it.]

"_¿Por qué lo rechazará?" _[Why would she refuse it?]

"_Te amo, pero puedes estar tan estúpido alguna veces y en este momento estás un idiota. Le conozco. Le parece que escojo a Rachel sobre a ella." _[I love you, but you can be so dumb sometimes and right now you're an idiot. I know her. She'll feel like I chose Rachel over her.]

"_Pero no escojas a Rachel sobre ella." _[But you're not choosing Rachel over her.]

"_No, pero escogí el bebé sobre ella." _[No, but I chose the baby over her.]

I couldn't listen to them talk about me any longer. I silently crept back into my room and locked my door. Grabbing my pillow from my bed, I crawled into my closet, closing that door as well. I needed as many barriers as possible to keep the sound of my sobs from travelling. I curled up in a ball on the floor and pressed my face into the pillow, letting out my anguish.

Married. Pregnant. My Carlos is going to be a father, to a baby that wasn't mine.

No. He's no longer my Carlos. Hell, he was _never_ mine, not how I wanted. But Carlos…Carlos had been my best friend, my confidante, my safe haven…my future. I needed to put as much distance between us as possible – both physically and emotionally. I felt no connection to calling him Ranger. I didn't get a rush of affection thinking of that name like I did when I thought "Carlos". Ranger was cold, calculating, and deadly. My decision was made. From now on he'd be Ranger. Carlos was dead to me.

* * *

AN: If you have noticed anything about my writing, you know that I like character development and that they never take the easy route. I hope you continue to stick with the story. I do promise it's a Babe HEA - just not quite yet.


	46. Chapter 46

AN: Many thanks for all of your wonderful reviews and personal messages. I also want to thank my amazing beta, Got2BeBabe, who edited multiple chapters for me last week and then even continued to think about the story and emailed me some ideas :)

This will be the last chapter I post for the week. I won't post another chapter until Monday or Tuesday.

* * *

Chpt. 46

Two hours later I had managed to mitigate my tears and crawl out of the closet, dragging my duffle bag. I started to pack the essentials and enough clothes to last a week. I couldn't continue to live in this house – not when _his wife_ was moving in. There was no way in hell I'd be here when that happened. I might be an idiot, but I wasn't a doormat. Fuck him. Fuck all of them. They could all go to hell.

After triple checking I had everything I'd need for the immediate future, I grabbed my purse, back pack with laptop, and my duffle bag and dragged them to the window. I opened the window as silently as possible, dropping each bag out the window before I crawled out of it myself. Thank God this was a ranch. It made my escape quicker and easier. Hiding in the bushes, I pulled my car keys out of my purse, grabbed all of my bags, and made a crouching dash to my car. I threw everything on the passenger seat as I climbed into my SUV, turned the ignition, and backed out of the driveway in a hurry. I was in such a rush that I forgot to look behind me. My rapid reflexes and training allowed me to maneuver my car so that the sports car speeding down the road just barely missed me.

The driver screeched to a stop, laid on the horn, and started cursing out the window. I gave an innocent grin and shrugged as a form of apology. Forcing my lips to form a remotely "happy" expression was near impossible. My lips were cast in an almost permanent frown.

I drove on autopilot to Lexi's, thankfully without anymore almost-car accidents. I stood on their front steps, praying that Lexi would be the one to answer the door. My prayer was not answered, which shouldn't have been a surprise since none of my prayers had ever been answered.

Les opened the door. He took one look at my face and flinched. _He knew_. The bastard fucking knew and he didn't warn me. Without warning, I gripped his shoulders and kneed him in the balls. He fell to the floor, groaning and gasping for air.

"I thought you were my friend. You couldn't even warn me? Well you know what? Fuck you, too!" I growled through clenched teeth.

"Beautiful," Les gasped, "I didn't…have a…choice. It wasn't…my place. Fuck! You should…register…that as…"

"Never speak to me again! And don't you dare tell them where I am. _You owe me!_" I grabbed my bags and ran up to Lexi's room. I threw my bags down, and then threw myself on her bed in my thinking position.

Did Lexi know, too? Did everyone know, but me? If that was the case, I couldn't stay here either. I'd have no where to go. I guess I could stay in a hotel if I had to…I had the money after all. It was the only benefit to selling my soul to Uncle Sam.

I don't know how long I laid on her bed thinking about how my future was ruined. It could have been five minutes or five hours. I seemed to have lost my ability to judge time when I heard _the news_. I needed to make a plan. I couldn't stay with Abuela any longer. She wasn't even _my_ Abuela and now there was no chance that she ever would be. It's amazing how life continues to kick you when you're already down.

I'd give myself the rest of today to wallow. First thing tomorrow I'd start looking for apartments. I hoped I could find a place that would let me move in immediately. I'd have to ask Lexi to pack up my room at Abuela's and get some guys from school to move my bed for me. I couldn't stomach the idea of walking in the house and seeing Rachel, of hearing Abuela's false words, and facing the fact that I had lost another home and three members of my chosen family.

Some time later Lexi walked into her room. "Where the hell have you been? I've been looking _everywhere_ for you!"

"Here," was all I said. "Why were you looking for me?"

"You've been here all day? In my house?"

"Well, maybe not all day. I spent a while crying in my closet. And then…I kind of ran away from Abuela's and came here. I saw Les…" my voice trailed off.

"Well, the fucktard didn't tell me that," Lexi grumbled. "And I was looking for you because Abuela was worried about you."

Those words felt like another blow. "Abuela was worried…." Of course _she _was worried. She was letting _his wife_ move in. Even though she chose his wife over me, I knew she still cared. But the worst part was that it was _Abuela_ who was worried about me, _not him_.

"I told Les to never speak to me again…and I kneed him in the balls. Sorry if you wanted to be an aunt. I might've done some permanent damage." My voice lacked inflection. I was so emotionally exhausted that I sounded like an automaton.

Lexi snorted a laugh. "The world would probably be a safer place if he never has kids."

"Yeah."

"You want to talk about it?" she asked me.

"No."

"You want to get wasted?"

"Maybe," I sighed. "Though that might take too much energy."

"We can stay here and just drink in my room. We won't do the normal frat party."

"I can manage that."

"Good. Ice cream and chick flicks, too?"

"Yeah that sounds good…. Can you not tell _them_ where I am? I don't want to see or talk to them. And can you threaten Les with more bodily harm if he tells? I just can't deal."

"Of course. I'll talk to Mami and Papi, too."

Lexi really was an amazing friend.

Hours later I was leaning up against her headboard, drinking margaritas, eating some Ben &amp; Jerry's right out of the carton, and watching _Legally Blonde_.

"Maybe I should have done the 'bend and snap' years ago," I mumbled, reaching over to the nightstand to grab my margarita.

"Okay, you've definitely had more than enough tequila tonight. Eat some more ice cream," Lexi said, stumbling around the bed to take my drink from me.

"Pfft! You're one to talk. You can't even walk without holding onto something. And I'm not _that_ drunk. Just a little."

"Yes, you are," giggled Lexi. The girl was just as drunk as me. She _never_ giggles. "And I'm pretty sure the 'bend and snap' isn't going to win over a guy."

"No, it totally would. Seriously, watch me," I said as I got off the bed. The floor seemed a little unsteady, like we were experiencing the slightest of earthquakes. I tried to imitate the "bend and snap", landing on the floor instead, laughing.

"Oh yeah, that would definitely get a guy's attention, but not in a good way," she told me, laughing. "But I admit, your ass looks good when you bend over like that. Well, until you fell over. Maybe you just need to find an ass man."

"My ass is pretty incredible," I agreed. "But it's hard to find an ass man. It's not like guys walk around with signs around their necks saying 'Boobs Man' and 'Ass Man'."

"Maybe we should start making them do that!"

From what little I can remember, the conversation went downhill from there. I woke up feeling like death. "Ugh…" I groaned. "Why is the room spinning?"

"I don't think it's spinning. I think the tequila hijacked our brains and put us on one of those spinning rides at the fair," Lexi said, moving her arm to cover her eyes. "It's too bright out."

"I need water. I have cotton mouth," I said as I rolled out of bed onto the floor. That definitely wasn't my brightest move. I started to crawl to Lexi's en suite bathroom. Standing without holding onto something was not an option.

"Can you bring me back a glass?" she moaned.

"I would if I could stand and walk on my own, but I can't." I pulled myself up the vanity and stuck my head under the faucet. I was the epitome of class this morning. Once I quenched my thirst, I crawled back towards the bed. Climbing into it seemed like a monumental task. I decided laying on the carpet was much easier and, therefore, preferable.

"Why did we drink so much again?" Lexi asked me.

"I drank because my life imploded. You drank because you're an awesome person who doesn't let her best friend drink alone."

"Yeah, remember that next time I'm in dire need."

"Will do…. Can I ask you for another favor?"

"Yeah, as long as your newest method of temporary escape isn't more tequila…or illegal drugs."

"I've never even tried those. Why would you think I would now?" I was somewhat insulted.

"I don't think you would, Steph. I'm just setting some stipulations to the agreement."

"'Kay." I was relieved to know she didn't think little of me.

"When you no longer want to die from the tequila hangover, would you please go pack up my stuff? I just…I just can't." I was close to tears when I asked.

"Of course I'll do that for you."

"Thanks. And um…tell Abuela I'll get my bed out of there as soon as I can. While you're out doing that, I'm going to start looking at apartments that are available near campus."

"You looking for a roommate?"

"I hadn't thought that far yet. Do you want to move out of here?"

"Yeah, Papi is driving me crazy. He gave my last date the first degree and he purposely did scary crap to freak out my date. Like he had a gun out so he 'could clean it' and knives out to sharpen while he talked to Sam. He threatened to cut off his balls if he stepped out of line!"

I snorted. That sounded like it sucked, but I couldn't help but be a little jealous of Lexi. It's not that I wanted to experience that. I just wish _my dad_ was around, even if that meant he'd issue verbal and non-verbal threats. I had been Daddy's little girl so losing him was devastating. I had Uncle Charlie, but it wasn't the same. And it's not like I could talk to him about Carlos…I mean Ranger.

"You know what… sharing an apartment with you sounds like a good idea," I told Lexi.

"Yay!" She tried to jump up and hug me. Instead she tripped over the blankets and fell flat on the floor. "Ugh…uggghhhhh." Just as quickly as she fell, she sprang up and ran to the bathroom. I heard her vomiting up last night's bad idea.

After drinking lots of water, taking a multivitamin and Tylenol, Lexi headed over to Abuela's late in the afternoon. I started searching online for apartments. I made appointments with five different apartment complexes so we could see them. Three of them had multiple vacancies that we could move into immediately. I hoped we liked one of those. I really didn't want to stay at the Santos' house for very long.

* * *

A few hours later, Lexi walked into her room, pulling behind her my huge suitcase. "You know you have more hair products than a freaking salon," she grumbled. I rolled my eyes in response.

I wanted to ask if they asked questions about me, if Carlos – no, _Ranger_ had asked about me, if Rachel knew about me, if…. There were a lot of those questions. I couldn't stop the sigh that escaped.

"Are you going to call Abuela or Carlos back?" Lexi asked.

I shrugged. "Maybe Abuela. I don't know. I, uh…I'm not sure I can talk to Ranger."

"Ranger? Since when do you call him _that_?"

"Since he got married and brought his wife home to Abuela. Since he destroyed everything. Since he didn't have the guts to call and cancel and talk to me. He's not Carlos. _Carlos_ wouldn't do that to me. Ranger, on the other hand, is a calculating bastard."

"Oh, Steph," Lexi murmured as she hugged me. "I don't think he wanted to or planned on hurting you. It'll get better. I know it doesn't seem that way right now, but it will."

"It doesn't matter. We'd have never worked out anyway."

"Steph, don't lie to yourself. I know it's your way of trying to cope, but that's the wrong way. Lying to yourself like that will make you hate your history and relationships with the guys and that's not fair to you or them."

"It doesn't matter, Lexi. _**He's married and he's going to be a father**_**!**"

"If it makes you feel any better, he looks like shit. He seems distraught and worried. He practically pounced on me when I walked in the house, trying to get information about you."

"Like I said, it doesn't matter. We'd never work out because it's obvious that we were never meant to be. Otherwise, Fate wouldn't keep screwing with us."

"Steph…I know you're hurting. It's obvious. But you need to know that he is, too."

"I don't care and I highly doubt it," I said through gritted teeth.

"I know you're upset and you have every right to be, but you're not the only one who lost her dreams of the future and best friend. He did, too. You should talk to him…."

I wrapped my arms around my ribs, as if I could hold myself and my heart together. It wounded me to hear that he was hurting also, even if a good part of me wanted him to suffer like I was.

Love, she's a bitch like that.

"Just think about it," she said. I made a non-committal sound.

Maybe I'd talk to him. Someday.


	47. Chapter 47

AN: Thank you all for your reviews. I love reading what you think.

I do want to address one reader's concerns. I do not agree with or promote underage drinking. Nor do I think it's a good way of dealing with problems. That said, I'm writing fiction. This from Steph's perspective of an almost 20 year old woman. A lot of teens and people in their early 20's deal with issues with alcohol. To make Steph into a girl who would deal with issues in a wise manner (When has _that_ ever happened in any of the books?) seems completely out of character to me.

There is a playlist of storyline time-appropriate music below. Another song that reflects Steph's feelings in this chapter is Gwen Stefani's "Used to Love You". Sadly, that song came out 13 years too late to use in the chapter ;) At least, officially. Same goes for Dixie Chicks' "Not Ready to Make Nice".

Now onto the story. I hope you enjoy. :)

* * *

Chpt. 47

Four days later, Lexi and I moved into our two-bedroom apartment into the Bay Parc Plaza Apartments. I was relieved to have our own place. I wasn't relying on the kindness of Abuela or the Santos.

The downside was that our apartment was now filled with boxes that we needed to unpack. When Mrs. Santos heard Lexi was planning on moving out, she went a little crazy shopping for items we might "need". I don't foresee Lexi or I juicing fruits and veggies or using a chocolate fountain, but the thought behind it was sweet.

"I can't believe how much stuff there is to unpack," Lexi groaned. "There's no place to even walk."

"Just think what it'll be like tomorrow when our furniture arrives," I said. Lexi laid back on the hardwood floor and moaned in response. We had _a lot _of work to do before the furniture people arrived at 0900.

Right then our apartment phone rang. I answered the phone giving Lexi a look as though to say, "Who the heck could be calling us?" Nobody other than Lexi's parents knew the number. I hadn't even had a chance to give it to Aunt Marjie or Uncle Charlie.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hi, Miss Plum. This is Eduardo at the front desk. There's a Mr. Mañoso requesting to see you," he said.

Shit. Fuck. Goddammit!

I took a deep, long breath, trying to calm my racing heart.

"Who is it?" my roommate whispered.

I covered the receiver to respond. "It's the front desk. _Ranger wants to see me_."

"Well…crap on a cracker. What are you gonna do?" Good question. I took a deep breath and quickly weighed the pros and cons. I decided I wanted to get this conversation done and over with.

"Hi, Eduardo. Can you please show him to the Clubhouse? I'd greatly appreciate it," I said.

"No problem, ma'am. I'll stay with him until you arrive," the front desk man said.

"Thank you very, very much. See you in a couple minutes." I hung up the phone.

"Steph, are you okay? You're pale as a ghost," Lexi said.

"No. Not really, but I guess I can't avoid Ranger any longer. How do you think he found out where we live?" I asked.

"Dunno. Maybe he looked through Mami's address book. I'm sure she put the information in it. You know how anal she is about keeping updated addresses and phone numbers for people."

"Hmmm…yeah, probably. I should probably go change into something else, huh?" I looked at my dirty, sweaty clothing. I started walking towards my bedroom. I had already unpacked my clothing in my walk-in closet.

"I would." Lexi followed me into my room while I pulled out pair of short khaki shorts, a tank top, and brown wedge sandals. I rummaged around my box of hair and makeup in search of my perfume.

I quickly changed, washed my face, and spritzed myself with Dolce &amp; Gabbana's Light Blue. Lexi continued to follow me silently around the apartment.

"Do you want me to come with you?" she asked.

"No, but thanks for the offer. I have to do this on my own," I told her. I grabbed my apartment key and cell phone off the counter. "See you in a bit." I walked out of our apartment before she even had a chance to say good-bye. I needed to get this over with as quickly as possible. If I stayed and talked to Lexi any longer, I would've chickened out and had Eduardo escort Ranger from the building.

I made it to the Clubhouse doors and peeked through the glass doors. I saw Ranger sitting on one of the couches, elbows resting on his knees, fingers steepled. He had dark circles under his eyes and a five o'clock shadow. I shouldn't have taken comfort in the fact that he looked like crap, but I did.

Taking a deep breath to calm my nerves, I opened the door and walked towards him. Eduardo saw me, smiled and quietly left. I sat stiffly on the upholstered chair closest to where Ranger was sitting. I didn't greet him, smile, or do anything to acknowledge him other than looking at him.

"Babe," he said, looking into my eyes. It seemed like he was trying to memorize my eyes, my face. As angry as I was at him, I was also incredibly sad. I had decided on my way down that this would be the last time I'd see him. I think he realized that when I refused to greet him.

I tilted my head to the side and looked at him, raising my eyebrows. Again, I refused to speak.

"I know I messed up. I'm sorry. I know that's not enough." His voice shook ever so slightly and he looked away from me, staring at the floor.

I blinked back tears and again, said nothing.

"I'm…look, I know there are no words to fix what I fucked up. You warned me and I ignored it. Now I'm paying for it and so are you and Rachel." I looked at him and glared daggers at him at the mention of Rachel. "I'm doing what I have to…as a father…as a man. I'm sorry. I really didn't know about the baby when I promised you…" he paused and took a shuddering breath, "when I promised you we'd be together. I didn't know when I left on Saturday morning. Rachel called me on Saturday afternoon when she heard I was back in town."

"I hope things work out for you both," I said, attempting to be civil. I failed at sounding sincere though.

"Babe," he started to say, but I cut him off.

"_I'm not your __Babe. Apparently, I never was!" _My body shook with rage.

"Don't say that. Please…_I love you_. I know I hurt you, and I wish I could, but I _can't_ make things right with you."

"You're right. You can't. I don't even know why you're here," I said, my voice cold as the Arctic.

"I needed to talk to you, to tell you I love you. And not in my own way. I love you in _every_ way a man can love a woman. I hope one day you can forgive me and we can be friends. I'm sure you don't want that right now and I get that. I do…I fucked up."

I snorted at his unintentional pun. That didn't even come close to how badly he screwed up.

"I doubt we can ever be friends again," I said.

"Don't say that. Please…I need you in my life. I'll wait for you to let me back into your life…in whatever way I can have you."

I scoffed. "You can't have me. _You're married._"

"I know I can't be with you while I'm married. I don't love Rachel and nothing will ever come of us, but I refuse to cheat on her. She doesn't deserve that, but we're only going to stay married until the baby is born. After that, we're going to get a divorce."

"That doesn't change the fact that you're married. I could've dealt with the 'being a father' thing. But you're married and you didn't even have the balls to tell me. You didn't have the common courtesy to call me and cancel our date. And then you top it off by moving _your wife_ into the house _I lived in!_"

He ran a hand through his hair. "I know I messed up by not talking to you."

"Ya think?" I couldn't keep my voice from being snarky.

"Babe," he sighed.

"I'm _not_ your Babe," I growled through clenched teeth.

"Sorry, Steph. I know all of my recent decisions and actions hurt you. And I'm sorry. You don't know how fucking sorry I am, but I had to put the needs of the baby before you. He or she is defenseless and…I'm not going to be around to take care of it or Rachel. Marrying her ensures that she and the baby would get my benefits in case I die and moving her in with Abuela was _all_ I could do. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry you no longer felt like you could live at Abuela's. _Dios mio,_ you don't know how badly I wish all of this never happened…." He looked away and rested his head in his hands.

"I shouldn't have lived there anyway. It's not like I'm family. It was time to leave."

"Steph—"

"Look, I don't know how you got my address, but _I don't want you here_. If I did, I'd have told you where I was moving. Talking to you…seeing you, it's not good for me. Honestly, I want you to lose my contact information. Don't email me, call me, visit me, ask about me. Please. Just…forget about me like I'm going to try to do about you."

"You don't mean that."

"I do. I..." I took a deep breath and did the most mature thing I'd ever done in my almost twenty years of life. I put aside my hurt and anger and spoke with the part of me that still cared deeply for him. "I really do hope you'll be happy and find love one day. You deserve it. And I'm sorry it can't be with me, because I love you, with everything that I am. But we can't be friends because you've broken my heart and that's something I don't think I can recover from. So…I hope things work out for you. And um, congrats on becoming a father." I stood up. "Good-bye, Ranger."

"Stephanie," he yelled. "Please…I need you."

"You had me and you threw me away," I said, my anger resurfacing. "Good-bye." I turned and walked out of the Clubhouse with my head held high and tears kept at bay. Once in the elevator though, I sank to the floor and cried.

I somehow managed to make it back to the apartment where Lexi was waiting with shots of tequila, lime wedges, and the salt shaker were all ready lined up on the breakfast bar. She hugged me tightly and murmured quietly in Spanish, telling me that I was strong and I'd come out of this stronger than ever.

"How did you know when I'd be back?" I mumbled through what was left of my tears.

"Carlos called. He asked me to take care of you." His concern caused me to start sobbing again.

"It's not fair," I cried. "And don't tell me that life's not fair. Believe me! I know better than most people. Just once though, I'd like to come out on top. I'm so tired of getting the short end of the stick."

"I know, Steph. You, of all people, deserve some happiness. I hope that things start changing in your favor. God knows you've suffered more than most people." She rubbed my back as she spoke. "It's time to do a shot and unpack. For every big box we unpack, we get a shot of tequila. How does that sound as a distraction?"

My shuddering laugh echoed in our apartment. "Sounds like a quick way to get wasted."

"Exactly! We'll play some angry-girl music, do shots, dance around, and get settled in our new home. And I'll deal with the furniture people in the morning. You can sleep it off."

"I think that earns you B-F-F status for the rest of our lives," I laughed through my tears.

"I know, right? I'm the bestest of best friends! You're lucky to have me in your life," she joked.

"I really am. Thanks, Lex."

We did shots and unpacked as we danced and jumped around drunkenly. Eventually Lexi called and ordered us a pizza with extra pepperoni and extra cheese and meatball subs. Sometime around 0200 I crawled into bed, and prayed I'd fall into a dreamless slumber.

* * *

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned II playlist:

Christina Aguilera – "Fighter"

Pink – "You Make Me Sick"

Blu Cantrell – "Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops!)"

Pink – "There You Go"

Lauryn Hill – "Ex-Factor"

Pink – "Most Girls"

Evanescence – "Going Under"

Joss Stone – "You Had Me"

Natalie Imbruglia – "Big Mistake"

702 – "Where My Girls At"

Natalie Imbruglia – "Torn"

Destiny's Child – "Survivor"

No Doubt – "Don't Speak"

Britney Spears – "Stronger"

Garbage – "Can't Cry These Tears"

Alanis Morissette – "You Oughta Know"

* * *

Ranger's songs for this point in time:

Usher – "You Got It Bad"

Foo Fighters – "Come Back"

Foo Fighters – "Times Like These"


	48. Chapter 48

AN: Since I haven't had Steph write a journal entry in a while I thought I'd let you know that the year is 2002 at this point in the story.

Songs for Steph: Joan Jett &amp; The Blackhearts' "I Hate Myself For Loving You", and not time appropriate, but Like A Storm's "Wish You Hell".

* * *

Chpt. 48

The Fall of 2002 was flying by. Living with Lexi was fun and relaxing. The only thing I didn't like were the times when Les would call our home phone to check in with her and I'd answer the phone. The first few times were awkward and I practically threw the phone at Lexi like it was a hot potato just so I wouldn't have to speak to him. Les and I finally had a real conversation in the beginning of November.

"_Hello?" I said._

"_Beautiful?" I heard Les ask. I took a deep breath and decided it was time to grow some lady-balls._

"_Hi, Les."_

"_Hey…how are you doing?" he asked me. I heard the hesitance in his voice._

"_Okay, I guess. You?"_

_Five stumbling sentences in and the conversation was excruciatingly awkward._

"_I'm doing okay, too. How's school?" _

"_School is school. Same shit, different day." _

_It was hard to talk to Les and not relive my hurt and disappointment. Rationally, I knew that Les shouldn't be punished for something he didn't have any part in, but it was hard to separate him from Carlos. They were each others' backup. They knew everything about one another and I found out later that Les was Carlos's witness for the wedding. A couple months after my non-existent love life imploded I realized that I would be just as mad at Les if he had told me Carlos got married. Carlos put Les in a no-win situation and I reacted poorly to it – well, in Les's case. I stand by my reactions to Carlos, his marriage, his baby, his lack of communication with me…the list is as long as my arm._

"_I don't really know what to say, Steph. After everything happened and I watched Ranger fail to talk to you, I realized I should've told you. At the time I just didn't think it was my place. I understand why you don't want to talk to or see me. I basically betrayed you. I just want you to know that I'm so, so sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me," he said in a rush of words. He was probably scared I'd hang up on him before he made his peace. _

_I took a deep breath again. It was long past time that I apologized as well. "I…I understand why you didn't tell me. It wasn't your place, it was Ranger's. And honestly, I'd have probably been just as mad at you if you told me. It's that whole shooting the messenger thing. You are the one the deserves the apology, not me. And…I shouldn't have kneed you. That was really shitty on my part."_

"_Uggg…Don't remind me. You need to register that knee as a deadly weapon. I was feeling that for days!"_

_I cringed. I __**might **__have overreacted a bit. "I'm really sorry about that. I hope you can forgive me." _

"_There's nothing to forgive, Steph. Really. Are we good?" he asked._

"_Yeah, we're good. So, before I hand the phone off to Lexi, tell me what's new…."_

Presently, I was five miles away from Fort Benning. I made the trip so I could have Thanksgiving with my family. That and I really only had Lexi and her parents left in Florida. I figured it'd be less awkward to celebrate with my family than with the family I had hoped would officially be mine one day. Now I'd rather have all my teeth extracted without pain medication than experience Thanksgiving in Miami with Abuela and a pregnant Rachel.

I wasn't looking forward to it for a myriad of reasons, the first being I'd actually see Les for the first time since everything went down. We had talked on the phone at the beginning of the month and a couple of times since, but…I just didn't know if we could get along like before. I worried that it would be awkward. And if things with us were awkward, that would make me more uncomfortable and I'd see him less and less until he'd be out of my life completely. Could I handle permanently losing yet another person from my life? I just didn't know.

The second person I was dreading seeing: Valerie. She was living with my aunt and uncle again. I felt for them. Valerie was bad enough being pregnant and planning a wedding. Now she's a brand new, exhausted mother and devastated by being left by her cheating husband. Last I had heard she's considering the idea of an annulment. I feel like having a baby with the spouse should take an annulment off the table, but I'm not in her shoes. Maybe I'd feel the same way.

And then there's Aunt Marjie and Uncle Charlie. When we last talked I was told, "We need to talk to you, young lady." Seriously? What the hell could I have done that would upset them? Or that they would know about? I live in freaking Miami! And my grades are great. So I'm at a loss, but kind of worried. I heard that disheartened tone of voice. It doesn't matter that I live hundreds of miles away. That tone of voice carries. And if I had a choice, I'd rather have angry, yelling parental figures than ones who speak to me in a serious tone of voice and tell me how disappointed they are in me.

I pulled into my aunt and uncle's driveway and looked around. Nothing had changed in the all months that I had been gone. Every time I return, I feel like I've changed so much that I expect everything else in the world to change as much as I have. All I could think as I stepped out of my car was that it felt like I was in a time warp.

My aunt opened the front door as soon as my feet hit the pavement. "Stephanie!" she yelled with a big smile on her face. That smile made me feel more at home than the house. I ran up and was engulfed in a tight hug. "I missed you so much. Oh, look at you. Your hair is still short, but it's growing out. I don't think it could have been as dreadful as you made it out to be on the phone."

"Oh, it definitely was," I groaned.

"Come inside quickly. It's chilly out. We'll make your uncle bring in your bags." She pushed me through the door. She yelled back towards my uncle's man cave, "Charlie! Stephanie's here. Go get her bags!"

He cracked open his door and looked around like he might be accosted at any moment. What the heck? Apparently everything checked out because he came out with a smile and opened his arms to give me a big hug.

"How's my favorite girl?" he asked me.

"Better now that I'm home," I said and for once, I actually meant it.

"We'll have to catch up after dinner, over a glass of scotch," he said, kissing my forehead briefly. "I'm so happy to have you home. I missed you." Those were some powerful words from my often stoic uncle.

He stepped out of the house to bring in my bags.

Turning towards my aunt, I asked, "So why was he coming out of his office so hesitantly?"

Aunt Marjie laughed. "Oh, your poor uncle. Angie has colic, but Valerie thinks that the baby just hates her. When she's at her wits end, she ends up pawning off the baby on your uncle or me. Well, the last handful of times that Charlie has taken Angie from Valerie, she stops crying instantly. So Valerie keeps handing Angie off to him and you know how he is with babies. He's terrified of them!"

I had to laugh. My aunt had emailed me a picture of my uncle holding Angie recently. He was holding her as far away from his body as possible, like she was a bomb about to go off at any moment.

"Just you wait to see it. I have to walk into the kitchen a couple times while he's holding Angie so I don't burst into laughter right in front of him. You'd think the baby would hate to be held that way. As long as it's your uncle holding her, she doesn't care."

My uncle came back in the house and I watched him tiptoe up the stairs. He managed to climb them silently until he hit the second step from the top. I guess he forgot that you have to skip that step if he wanted to make it up the stairs undetected. I heard Valerie's bedroom door open and mumbled voices. A couple minutes later he came downstairs with Angie in his hands. I watched him in amusement. My big, bad, general in the army uncle could handle anything with one exception, babies. Who knew?

"Steph, you haven't held your niece yet. Why don't you come take her?" he asked.

I wasn't scared of babies, but I didn't particularly like babies all that much either. They cried when they were unhappy and couldn't tell you what they wanted. Their diapers needed to be changed and they wake up repeatedly throughout the night. What's to love about that? Yeah, a whole lot of nothing.

"Nah, I'm good right now. I'm home for five days. I'm sure I'll get lots of baby cuddle time," I assured him. He tried to guilt me with his puppy dog eyes. The slight guilt I felt was outweighed by my desire to have a piece of my aunt's pineapple upside cake. "Right now I want a piece of cake. I'll be back in a bit."

And with that, I left him alone with his living, breathing nightmare.

* * *

I lay on the couch, with Angie sleeping on my chest while Val and I talked.

"So he just left? He didn't leave a note or anything?" I asked.

"Nope! That fucking bastard knocked me up and left me. How many others do you think he's done that to?" She paced the living room.

"I dunno," I said in a low tone of voice. I didn't want to wake Angie. I liked cuddly Angie. Crying Angie on the other hand…I'd rather take on a rabid dog.

"Oh my God, what if Angie has siblings? Should I talk to the other mothers so the kids can have some sort of siblinghood?" She looked horrified.

"I think you're jumping the gun there. How about you wait to worry about that until after she's out of diapers? I think that should be kind of low on the list."

"Hm…true. Right now my list consists of feed Angie, change her diaper, try to get her to sleep, and in between I plot different ways I can find Steve and castrate him. You're good at plotting!" Her eyes lit up when she looked at me.

The idea of being anywhere remotely near Steve's balls was nauseating. I'd rather go dance naked on the fifty-yard line at halftime at one of the Hurricanes' football games than castrate Steve, even if he deserved it.

"I can help you come up with ideas to get back at him, and while the man deserves to be turned into a eunuch, I'm not going to be the one to do it," I said. I'd rather be upfront and honest than beat around the bush and have her think I'd do that.

"Oh, come on. I know Uncle Charlie has been training you to be a super soldier. You _have_ to know how to do that."

My jaw dropped open. "I'm not trained to torture people and cut off their balls," I hissed. Just because I saw some training at the Farm does not mean I'm _fully_ trained to torture a person. And castration, that was _not_ one of our lessons.

"What about one of your guy friends?" The slightly hysterical, malicious glint in her eyes scared me a bit.

"We're not going there and you're not asking them. I totally agree Steve's an asshole. All men are assholes, some more so than others. Unfortunately, Steve is a world class bastard."

"Since when do you think all men are assholes? Your best friends are all guys," she asked. Damn. I didn't want to get into that with her, but I wasn't about to lie either.

I took a deep breath and launched into my latest tale of woe.

"That's some really crappy timing for you, but you actually chose a good guy. He is trying to do the right thing by his child," she said after listening to me without interruption for the first time in I don't know how many years.

"Maybe. I don't know. It's not like he was married to her before. Hell, she was a one-night stand. Do you really marry the girl in that situation or just take out a really good life insurance policy on yourself in case you die so that the baby will be taken care of for the rest of its life?"

"I know we're kind of at opposite ends of similar situations. So…I guess my question I ask is, wouldn't you rather a baby have its father in its life than abandon it?" she asked.

"Why couldn't he have been in the baby's life and _not_ married Rachel?" I wasn't giving up the idea that this was the right choice and Ranger chose wrong.

"He could have, but then the baby would have been a bastard. Having a baby out of wedlock is still a big deal to a lot of people. It is to me."

"Fine. Maybe he did the right thing, but I still don't think so. And seriously…he couldn't even call me to tell me. He left me waiting and then I had to overhear his talk with Abuela. I was like, unofficially kicked out of my home because he knocked up some girl he met at a bar and spent one night with."

"You chose to leave. You fled in secret. You didn't even say good-bye to Abuela or thank her for giving you a home for a year. Don't you think she deserved that?"

"She chose Rachel over me. She would have kicked me out so _she_ could live with her. So, no! No, she didn't deserve a 'thank you'." I swear steam would have been coming out of my ears and I would have been making inappropriate hand gestures at Val if I didn't have a sleeping baby on my chest.

"She didn't choose _Rachel _over you. She chose _the baby_."

"Same difference."

"Big difference."

"No, there isn't. Rachel is cooking his kid. They're one in the same at this point."

Val sighed and looked at me like I was an immature kid. "I get it. I really do. You were left for another woman, one Carlos doesn't even love. You're entitled to be angry with him, and bitter and hurt, but Abuela doesn't deserve to be on the receiving end of your hurt feelings. One day you'll see my point of view. You don't have any kids of your own. You're still a kid yourself."

This is what I get for talking to my sister. Insult after insult. And to think, a few hours ago I was actually questioning why I stayed away for so long. Now I remember.

* * *

After all these years, I'd have thought my aunt and uncle knew better than to try to have conversations with me before I've had my first large mug of coffee.

"Sit down, Steph. We need to talk," Uncle Charlie said as he gestured to my regular seat at the kitchen table.

I just stared at my uncle, not comprehending anything. I saw his lips moving, but all I heard was "mwa-mwa-mwa". I admit it; I watched _A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving_ last night. What seemed like a few minutes into some boring lecture, it was probably more like a few seconds, I finally interrupted. "I need coffee."

My aunt poured me a mug and handed it to me. Cream and sugar were already on the table. After I doctored up my coffee with fat and sugar, I guzzled it, ignoring the fact that I was scalding my mouth. I handed my mug back to my aunt silently asking for her to refill it for me. While she poured me another mug, I folded my arms and rested my head on them, waiting for the caffeine to kick in. I had been up off and on all night because of my adorable, colicky niece. Once I felt my synapses start firing on all cylinders, I lifted my head and asked, "What were you saying before?"

"You awake now?" my aunt asked.

"Barely," I replied before taking another sip of coffee.

"Ranger came to see me and tell me about the changes he is making in his life," Charlie started.

Geez, like I didn't already have a shitty, drawn out conversation about Ranger with Val last night. Maybe I should have stayed in Miami and laid out by the pool on Thanksgiving. That was sounding so much better at the moment than this conversation.

"And your point is what?" I asked.

"He said you won't talk to him," my aunt chimed in. Brilliant. I was going to be tag-teamed this morning. I wonder if they'd tag Val in later, too.

"What's there to talk about? He's married and going to have a kid." Really, it's not like we could be friends. And he wasn't going to cheat on Rachel and I'd never be a woman who would willingly be with a married man. Uh-uh, no way, no how.

"He's doing the right thing and needs the support of his friends and family," Marjie said.

"Well, he has that. His friends and family are doing what they can for his brand new, little family." I really needed to work on responding to this topic without being bitter or snarky. Why couldn't people see that I didn't want to talk about this?

"You guys were really good friends," my aunt continued.

"Yeah, well, sometimes things end. Our friendship is one of them."

"You're not being fair to him," she said.

"Was it fair of him to promise me that we were together and the night we are supposed to go out on our first date, he stands me up to do, guess what. Get married to some one-night stand. He didn't even _call me_. He didn't tell me a goddamned thing. I had to _overhear_ him talk to Abuela. And then he asked to move his little wife into the house where I was living. How the hell could I stay friends with someone who is that inconsiderate and insensitive?" I was having a hard time keeping my voice down.

"Be quiet! Let the baby and Valerie sleep," my uncle hissed. Of course, he wouldn't want to have to hold his niece. Ugh. "And that's not fair to expect him to be considerate or sensitive to your needs when he has to think about a baby and the mother of his child. He's doing the right thing."

"Fine. He did the right thing by _her._ He sure as hell didn't do the right thing by _me._ Would it have killed him to talk to me and explain what was going on?"

My aunt sighed and just looked at me like she expected more…something. "I really hoped you'd have had enough time to see that he's doing the responsible thing. His child should always come first."

"Thanks, so much for your support. I'm glad you choose to support him over me. It's like I'm a fucking leper suddenly. Everyone chooses Ranger, Rachel, the baby…."

"There's no need to take that tone with us, young lady," my uncle said in a quiet, but steely voice. "And we are _not_ choosing Ranger over you. We're asking you to reconsider your friendship with him."

"Look, he probably did do the right thing for the baby, but he didn't by me. _He broke my heart_. How do you remain friends with somebody who hurts you that badly? I don't wish anything bad on the baby. I get it. He's going to be a father. _I get that_. I don't begrudge him having a child. I'd have still dated him and been there to help with his child if he didn't marry her, but he did. And then he couldn't man up and tell me himself. So there…look, we compromised. I agree with you halfway. Okay? Now, I'm going to go run unless you have any little nuggets of knowledge about how to get over that."

A few seconds passed, and then Charlie nodded at me. "Go run and get out some of that angry energy."

I guess they didn't have any ways to get past heartache and become friends again.

I stood up and grabbed my cell phone from the counter. As I climbed the stairs, I called Les, forgetting about phone manners entirely. "How do you feel about a hard run? But just you and me, nobody else."

"Beautiful! Sure, gimme fifteen? I'll meet you at your place," he told me.

I changed quickly and waited by my window, waiting to see his car pull up. I really had no desire to be ambushed again. Fifteen minutes later, Les' SUV pulled into the driveway. I was out the front door before he even got out of the car.

"Woah, that good of a morning that you're dying to run already? You haven't even been home for twenty-four hours," he said.

"Yeah, well they ambushed me this morning about Ranger before I even had coffee," I said as I started some hamstring stretches.

"Shit. That's…I dunno, beyond stupid. Even I know not to talk to you before your caffeine. And on that subject…I'd like not to be kneed again." He used my shoulder to help keep his balance while he stretched out his quads.

"So…yeah, I'm in a craptastic mood and I needed out, but I didn't want to be alone."

"I get it. I'd probably feel the same way, especially if my parents decided to have some serious conversation. It doesn't matter the time of day. It'd just piss me off."

We started jogging and chatted about school and training for the first mile. The following nine miles we ran fast and hard. I was so pumped from my anger that I didn't realize we had managed to cover so much distance so quickly. Les made me cool down for another mile, but like the nine previous miles we didn't talk. We were too winded. And that was okay.

The sign of a true friend is when I can talk to him about anything, but be just as comfortable in silence. And today, silence reigned. It was the perfect first visit with Les, post-Carlos.

* * *

And, even though Ranger doesn't make an appearance in this chapter, these songs are appropriate for him at this point in time: 3 Doors Down's "So I Need You", "Here Without You", and "When I'm Gone".


	49. Chapter 49

AN: It's now 2003.

* * *

Chpt. 49

The holidays came and passed, and I still hadn't spoken with Abuela. I also avoided Ranger like he had the Plague. He had come down to Miami a couple of times for Rachel's doctor's appointments. He ignored my plea to not contact me. I knew it was a long shot when I begged for him to forget me, but I had hoped that he'd listen. Lexi pointed out to me that I'd probably be more distraught if he _didn't_ contact me because that would mean that I hadn't meant anything to him. The fact that he tried to still be in my life, even if it was just by occasionally sending emails and leaving voicemails, showed that he still cared about me. Lexi pointed out that his persistence demonstrated his love for me, especially since I never responded.

I didn't ask about him. Hell, I actively tried to avoid the topic, but sometimes Lexi let things about the Ranger-Rachel marriage and baby situation leak into the conversation, like she was doing right now.

"So you know how I was having dinner at my parents' tonight?" She asked over her shoulder while reaching for a couple of wine glasses.

"Yeah…." I had a feeling I wouldn't like the direction this conversation was going in.

"So get this: Carlos is totally freaked out about having a baby with Rachel and I don't mean the type of freaked out a guy gets when he finds out he knocked up some random girl. He only slept with her that one night…so he had _no_ idea that she is a total party girl. Abuela and he have their hands full with trying to keep her on the straight and narrow. I think she wanted to go out drinking one night – _while pregnant!_ Carlos already knows he's not going to be around on a daily basis to raise the baby and Rachel…. Oh. My. God. She's so far from being ready to be a parent that it's terrifying. Carlos has no idea how he's going to manage."

Well…that was unexpected. I'd curb my partying if I was, God forbid, pregnant right now. "That sucks for him and the baby. Think his parents would take care of him or her?"

Lexi poured half a bottle of wine in each glass. Apparently, the Rachel-being-a-shitty-incubator thing was bothering her. Or she could be upset about Ranger's parents. "I don't think so. I mean, he already doesn't really speak to them and vice versa. They flipped out when he joined the Army and things were already at the breaking point _before_ that. I don't even know if they know Carlos is going to be a father. I'm not going to tell them and Mami sure isn't telling them. She never approved of how they handled the whole stealing a car situation."

I took my glass of wine while Lexi took a healthy gulp of her Malbec. "So who do you think is going to end up raising this baby? Ranger can't and if Rachel is as you described her, she shouldn't."

"I don't know. My best guess is Abuela will end up taking care of it for a while. At least until Carlos can stay stateside permanently." Lexi let out a dramatic sigh.

I raised my eyebrows in response. "Isn't that going to be hard on Abuela?" I still hadn't spoken to her and I had no plans to because I felt like she abandoned me, but that didn't mean I didn't worry about her. And raising a baby in her late sixties or early seventies sounded difficult. Raising a child at my age, with my high energy level, would be difficult.

"Yeah, probably. I dunno. I'm sure Mami will help out some. I'll see how things pan out and, if Abuela ends up raising the baby and needs assistance, I'll help her, too. Neither she, nor the baby should suffer because my cousin is a fucktard and the baby mama is an irresponsible, immature whore who wants to snort and drink away her life. I just hope she didn't get her hands on something while she's pregnant. That could seriously affect the baby." She continued to drink her wine and stared out the sliding glass door at the ocean.

Lexi had decided she wanted to be a school guidance counselor, focusing on at-risk teenagers. She wanted to help teenage parents continue their education so they could break the cycle. Watching someone who grew up with everything make awful decisions and not care about the consequences, especially when a child was involved, upset her.

I didn't wish this type of situation on Ranger, and I hated him. And I most definitely didn't wish this on an innocent baby. Maybe _hate_ was too strong of a word to describe my feelings for Ranger. I was still angry and feared all of the ways he could hurt me without even trying. I still hadn't recovered from the emotional damage he inflicted on me a few months ago. That was the _real_ reason why I refused to have any form of contact with him. I admit I saved all of his emails, but I hadn't read any of them yet. I couldn't bear to read them, nor delete them. I wish I was strong enough to just delete them, but I wasn't. Instead I just put them in a specially designated folder in my inbox and they taunted me every time I checked my email.

Lost in thought, we sat there, sipping our wine and staring out at the ocean.

Maybe one day I'll actually read the emails.

* * *

In the beginning of February, I heard from Bryce for the first time since I returned to Miami. And strangely enough I was actually considering his offer. Or rather, the CIA's offer. I just needed to get my professors to agree to my being absent for the last two weeks of the month. Generally speaking, missing that many classes would cause me to automatically fail every single class. But, and that was a big but, if I went and did reconnaissance with Bryce for two weeks I wouldn't have to do have any additional training this summer. It would be the first summer in I didn't know how long that I got to act my age and not go play G.I. Jane or Nikita.

It would also mean that I'd likely miss the birth of Ranger's child. I had mixed feelings regarding that. A part of me wanted to be around in case he needed me. That was completely idiotic on my part. At least that's what my brain said. It was realistic, and no-nonsense, and was trying to protect the few walls I'd been able to erect around my heart. My heart on the other hand, would happily lay on the floor and allow Ranger to continually trample it if it meant that I could make his life easier. I was pathetic.

After begging and pleading with my professors and agreeing to do all the of the readings and classwork I'd miss in advance of my "business trip", they finally relented. I did a happy dance while I was dialing the phone to call Bryce back.

"Hey, how's my favorite curly-haired beauty?" I heard him greet me.

"I'm fabulous! And guess why." I replied.

"You managed to swing my trip?" he asked with hope in his voice.

"Yup! I have to work my ass off before then and do a shitload of classwork in advance, but I'm good to go."

"What are you doing tomorrow night?"

"Um…homework? Studying? A party? I don't know. I haven't given it much thought," I said. "Why?"

"So you don't have any definite plans that can't be changed?" he asked.

"No…." I felt like I was missing something.

"Okay, then I'm going to fly down and I'll prep you for what we'll be working on. I can easily work from Miami and enjoy the Florida sunshine. It's so grey and overcast up here that I very well might lose my mind. Now I have a good excuse to get the hell out of D.C."

"I'm always up for a visit," I said, a small smile danced on my lips.

"I'll call you later tonight with a meeting time and place. See you tomorrow." Click.

Seriously, why do all men seem to have atrocious phone manners? Ugh.

* * *

I walked into the café on Zapata Street and immediately found Bryce sitting in the back corner, his back against the wall. I gave him a dazzling smile, probably the first dazzling smile to cross my face in months.

"There's my favorite girl. Let me get a look at you," he said, hugging me and then holding me at arm's length to assess me. "You look like you lost ten pounds since I saw you. What's up with that? You were already tiny."

"Eh, you know. Life," I said while waving my hand dismissively. "Sometimes things happen that just kill an appetite."

"Steph, your appetite rivals an NFL player's. What happened?" His look demanded answers.

"Nothing I want to talk about." I tried waving over the waitress. Of course, she didn't notice me trying to get her attention. Bryce made the slightest "come here" hand motion and that caught her eye, of course.

"Two Bud Lights, please," he told her. She scampered off in a hurry. "Steph…."

I sighed. Might as well get this over with. "Ranger is married with a baby on the way. And we're not exactly friends anymore."

Bryce's eyebrows raised ever so slightly in shock. "Well, I didn't foresee that happening any time soon, unless it was with you. And I still gave you guys five to ten years before that'd happen."

"Well, apparently he had a hard time keeping it in his pants and got some girl pregnant before we got training during the summer."

"Shit."

"Yeah. So, we got back and two days later he was married. He didn't tell anyone until after he got married."

"Not even you?"

I choked a little. "Oh, he definitely didn't tell me. I overheard when he was asking his grandmother to move his new wife into Abuela's house…where I lived."

Bryce's shock was evident. "I don't even…wow, I'm at a loss. So I'm assuming you moved out then?"

"Yeah. I got an apartment with Les' sister."

"Do you talk to Ranger at all anymore?"

"No."

"He just rolled over and said, 'bye' to you without a fight? Because he was head-over-heels in love with you."

"He emails me pretty often, but I haven't read any of them or responded."

"When is the baby due?"

"Lexi said end of the month."

"So this trip is perfect timing?" he raised his eyebrows when he asked.

"You really couldn't have better timing."

"Well, then…. I'm glad this works out well for both of us. Choose something to eat so we can order and then get down to business."

We quickly chose and ordered our meals. Once the waitress brought our entrees, Bryce started briefing me.

"So, we are going to go to Tunisia to gather information about President Zine El Abidine Ben Ali and his brother, Habib Ben Ali. We're pretty sure they are both involved in a drug trafficking and money laundering."

"The President of the country? Seriously?"

"Yeah, let's just say that this family would fit in well with the cartels in Colombia."

"Woah. So…we're just gathering information?" I asked. Please, please, please say I won't be using my sharpshooting skills, I prayed.

"Yep. We'll be posing as recent a newly-engaged couple. The upside to my family's government connections is that I can use those to get us into places that operatives wouldn't normally have easy access to. You, however, will use an alias."

"So why am I using an alias and you aren't?" Wasn't that dangerous for him?

"If you can get access to government databases, I am a director in the U.S. Agency for International Development in whatever country I need to go in. My reputation is that I'm the USAID 'ax-man'. I supposedly go around and fire people when it's needed. It gives me a lot of flexibility and cover for when I need to travel."

"Really? So what does this agency do? I've never heard of it before."

"It's the U.S. agency to helps develop severely impoverished countries with education, health care, and economic development. Go read through the website tonight and learn about all the boring things they do. Drink coffee to stay awake though."

I coughed to cover my laugh. "So I need to know all about those boring things?"

"Not in great detail, but enough to have a conversation. Your cover is as my fiancé, not a USAID worker."

"Thank God. So how are we supposed to have met?"

"You are my college sweetheart from Washington University in St. Louis. You are finishing up your doctorate in Arabic studies at Yale. We've had a long distance relationship for the last few years, but now that you are just writing your dissertation, you have the ability to travel with me. Sound easy enough?"

"I can probably pull that off."

"I know you can. Otherwise, I wouldn't have asked for you. I need your language skills and your ability to strategically cover me from a distance if I have to break in somewhere."

"What's the likelihood I'll have to use my non-language skills?" I bit my lip in worry.

"Pretty minimal I think, but since we aren't there, I can't you give you odds."

I sighed. "Okay."

"Now, in between you doing tons of advanced classwork, we have to spend lots of time together so that we know most things about each other – hobbies, interests, funny childhood stories. None of them have to be the exact truth, but enough that we will be able to remember our lies. Good deal?"

"Good deal."

And that's what we did. I was a little sleep deprived by the time we caught our trans-Atlantic flight, but I was truly happy for the first time in months. I still had those stinging dull pains in my chest and occasional tears in my eyes if I thought about Carlos. Now I could say they were fewer and far farther between. I gained back five of the ten pounds I lost and my eyes sparkled again.

Lexi was thrilled because, according to her, I no longer looked like death warmed over. She also thought it was healthy that I was interested in men again. Okay, one man. Bryce. Both he and I knew that our flirtations were just that. I was a full-time student and he flew around the world and spent less than two months out of the year in his actual apartment. Besides, I wasn't exactly looking to start a relationship in the conventional sense with anybody. I was considering propositioning Bryce though. I thought we could be good friends-with-benefits. I just had to get up the nerve to approach the subject.

* * *

AN: Steph's starting to get some happy in this chapter. Also, please check out _Without You My Days Blur Into One_. These are the unread emails Steph is receiving (and saving) from Ranger.


	50. Chapter 50

AN: This chapter earns the M rating. If that makes you uncomfortable, you can either skip this chapter or stop half-way through since Steph gets her happy on in the last half.

Happy belated Valentine's Day to everyone and Presidents Day in the USA.

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Chpt. 50

Tunisia was an amalgamation of cultures due to all of the power changes it endured over the years. French croissants and cheese were always available. The Adalusan and Ottoman influences could be found in music, literature, religion and architecture. And the Arabic they spoke – wow, it was distinctive. I wasn't very familiar with their dialect. The vocabulary and pronunciation was influenced by Berbers, Turkish, Italian, Spanish, and French. Everyone understood my Arabic, but it was harder for me to understand theirs. I needed to learn quickly so I could listen and squirrel away tidbits of information to relay to Bryce. I gave myself a crash course in Tunisian Arabic my first night there – purchasing a dictionary and watching TV with closed-captioning.

The second day we spent the morning in the medina, shopping at the souks. Bryce was amused by my haggling for a silver bracelet and perfume.

"You know, you drive a hard bargain," he told me.

"Hey! I have to haggle. Otherwise they don't respect you and rip you off," I said.

"Oh, I know, but it's amusing to see you bickering with the men in the souks. It's a good thing the people here are so familiar with Europeans. Otherwise, I doubt they could handle such an independent, outspoken woman."

"Was I not supposed to call him on the fact he was trying to slip me a piece of _fake _silver?"

"You did great, but the look that crossed his face when you called him out was classic. You're fun to be with."

"I'm glad I amuse you," I fake pouted.

"You do more than amuse me. You're great company. Normally, I'm out here with someone who isn't a true partner. It's nice not flying solo." He took the bags from my hand and then wrapped his arm around my waist. "This afternoon we're going to Hammamet to enjoy the unseasonably warm weather and then enjoy some nightlife. Tomorrow we'll come back and to go to the dinner party with President Ben Ali and the First Lady, Leïla."

"Think their children are going to be there?" I prayed they wouldn't be there. From everything Bryce had been able to find out about them, they were supposed to be insufferable.

"I doubt it, but you never know. He definitely wants his oldest son to succeed him. He seems to forget that he's the 'president', not the king."

We walked back to our hotel so we could drop off my purchases and pack a quick overnight bag. Bryce drove us to Hammamet and checked us into our hotel for the night. Even though Tunisia was Westernized due to its previous French colonization, women who were accompanied by men didn't typically do things like drive and check into hotels. Apparently, they shopped and bartered a decent amount though.

Our hotel was nothing special. It had a boring bathroom and a double bed. Bryce and I would be forced to be up close and personal. That worked out well with my plans. I was already planning on approaching the idea of having a friends-with-benefits relationship with him. This would just support my plan if I couldn't get up the nerve to bring up the topic in conversation. Sometimes actions work better than words.

I hadn't had sex with a man since Mat. I had dated plenty of guys, but none for long periods of time. I never trusted any of them enough to have sex. It had been so long that I was more than a little desperate. My Dazzle Stick just wasn't cutting it anymore. I wanted the whole deal – kissing, foreplay, sex, and then that desired orgasm. If I was lucky there'd be multiple orgasms.

I was laying on the bed in my thinking position while I waited for Bryce to finish up in the bathroom, giving myself a mental pep talk. I could do this. I just needed to go for it. Sadly, my confidence when it came to men was in the shitter.

"Hey, you ready to go walk on the beach?" he asked, walking out of the bathroom.

"Definitely. Let me just grab my flip-flops. I'm happy it's warmer than normal right now. I was figuring I'd be a freeze-baby during this trip. I'm used to 80s, even in February."

Bryce laughed at me. "Yeah, you're definitely spoiled when it comes to weather." He guided my out of the room, locking the door.

Even though it was in the 70s, and warm for winter in Tunisia, the beach was practically empty. I would have thought people would be out in droves.

We walked down the beach in comfortable silence for a while. I finally broke the peace.

"So…I kind of had an idea. Sort of. I dunno, you might think it's a dumb idea, but I figure I might as well ask. Right? And if you don't like the idea or whatever, I won't take it personally." Ugh. I wanted to punch myself. I sounded like a babbling idiot. And let's be honest, I probably would take it personally.

Bryce raised an eyebrow at me. I took that as a silent response to continue. Now I just needed to stop sounding like an idiot.

"I'm going to preface this by saying, I'm not _that_ girl. I don't sleep around for a million reasons. One of the main ones is that I think you have to trust the person you're going to be with and I don't…trust easily I mean, but I trust you. We like each other and flirt all of the time. So I was kind of thinking that we could have fun during this trip. You know what I mean? And before you answer that, I know you can't commit. I'm not asking for a relationship or a commitment. I was thinking we could be friends-with-benefits during this trip. So…um, yeah." I could feel my cheeks flush. That wasn't _too_ awful. It wasn't great either. I hoped he found my bumbling speech endearing.

Bryce stopped walking and pulled me close, wrapping his arms tightly around my waist. He looked directly into my eyes and asked, "Are you sure that's something you want to try? I'm not rejecting you or your idea. I just want to make sure that's something you can handle. As you said, you're not that type of girl."

"I'm sure." I could feel my heartbeat speed up.

A smile spread across Bryce's face. "Then I think we should head back to our room now."

A shiver went down my spine as we quickly walked back towards the hotel. Bryce had us make a quick detour to the nearest drugstore where he purchased condoms. Lots of condoms which meant lots of sex and, I hoped, orgasms. There was a mental chorus of "_Alleluia"_ playing on repeat in my head.

We somehow made it back to the hotel. I honestly have no idea how. I was far more aware of Bryce, how his hand felt on the small of my back and how his breathing had quickened than of our surroundings. Training be damned. I was about to have sex with a man for the first time in a couple years.

Bryce's lips were on mine as soon as we walked in the door to our room and he locked it. He pushed me up against the wall, and started licking and sucking on a sensitive spot right behind my left and then right ear. My hands found their way into his wild hair and lightly tugged on it when he nipped at my ear. I moaned.

It had been so long since a man had truly touched me. My skin tingled wherever his fingers explored. This was the first time my body had felt alive in years. I should have considered this whole friends-with-benefits thing before. Or not been a stickler for having to love the person I was going to sleep with. Whichever.

He pulled me away from the wall, kissing my lips again as he guided me towards the bed. He gently pushed me on it. I swung my legs up on the bed and lay down on the bed. Placing a hand on either side of my head, Bryce climbed on top of me, his lips never leaving mine. We continued to explore each others' bodies. His hand found its way underneath my tank top. He caressed my stomach. It was such an intimate, gentle touch. I trembled as he sat me up and took off my shirt and bra.

I felt it was only fair that I take his off as well. My hands shook as I pulled it off. I gazed at his chest and abs. He was deceptively ripped. Every single muscle was well-defined, but since he wasn't as big and built as Les…and the others…he didn't look as fit with his shirt on. Now I knew better.

"You're absolutely gorgeous," he murmured.

"You think so?" My poor self-esteem was so battered that hearing this, while he was seeing me at my most vulnerable, gave me a needed boost.

"I've always thought so. I felt like such a creep because I was instantly attracted to you and I was supposed to be your mentor, but I couldn't help it. And then to top your physical beauty, you have this vitality that drew me in." He slowly started kissing down my body. My breath hitched when he reached my breasts, gently squeezing them, and then laving my nipples. I moaned.

I didn't remember my breasts being so sensitive, so responsive. They could turn into my new, favorite body part if Bryce continued to give them attention. He gently nipped one of my hard buds. My back arched and I moaned. Oh dear God, if he continued doing this, I might just orgasm before we even have sex.

He slowly continued down my body. He unbuttoned my shorts and pulled them off along with my soaked lace panties. He gave me a dazzling smile when he realized how aroused I was. "Now that is the best compliment a girl can give a guy before he's even reached the promised land."

I blushed, whether it was from embarrassment or arousal, I didn't know. I bit my bottom lip and met his gaze. "Come back up here so I can finish undressing you now." My voice was a little husky. He groaned and then crawled up my body. He kissed me as I undid his shorts and boxers.

"It's been a while for me," I told him.

"I promise to start slowly," he told me while he grabbed a condom from the nightstand. He ripped the packet open. I took the condom out of his hands. Squeezing the tip of it, I then slowly rolled it down his thick shaft. He shuddered and groaned. I guided his throbbing thickness to my core.

He slowly penetrated me until he was buried to the hilt. "Oh God, you're so tight. I don't know how long I can last. I'll make it up to you all night."

I gave a throaty laugh. "Don't worry about that. I'm not going to last long." He thrust into me, slowly gaining speed all the while staring deeply into my eyes. I could feel him swell even larger, causing me to climax. I whimpered while I clutched his shoulders as and my body shattered, pushing him over the edge. He buried his face in the crook of my neck as I felt him convulse, once, twice, three times.

He stayed there for a minute, catching his breath, before he rolled over and out of bed. I watched his amazing ass as he walked into the bathroom. I heard the water running for a minute before he came back with a warm, wet wash cloth. He quickly cleaned me up and threw the washcloth back into the bathroom before he crawled back into bed where I hadn't budged. He gathered me in his arms and held me tightly to his body.

"That was amazing," I finally said when I had gathered my strength.

"Mmmm, it was," he agreed, his hand languidly stroked my stomach.

I'm not sure how long we cuddled before we fell asleep for a long afternoon nap. We decided to forgo experiencing Hammamet's nightlife. Instead we ordered room service and explored each other's bodies.

I realized I didn't need a long-term, committed relationship to experience and remember what it was like to be desired, to be worshipped as a woman. I didn't need a man, but having one around that I trusted would be nice, at least occasionally. Even though we were just friends who planned on enjoying ourselves together, I felt cared for and cherished that night – more than I had in years. A small portion of my broken heart healed in that night.

* * *

AN: Steph finally got some happy. This was the _first_ sex scene I've ever written. _Please_ _critique_. I need to know what I can do better. Thanks!

This will be the only TLR chapter posted this week, but I have more Ranger emails to post still. Sorry everyone, but matron of honor duties call. That means throwing a bachelorette party (which is hilarious if you know me IRL) and having house guests, one of which being my other BFF who is also getting married. So I will be crazy busy getting my house spotless, planning, taking care of last minute party details, and then likely taking care of two very drunk brides :)


	51. Chapter 51

AN: Here's the only chapter I will post of TLR this week. I have two more written after this, but I'm trying to keep a regular routine of posting. I hope I'll be able to write a lot this week and I can go back to posting twice a week. I just need a large block of time to write uninterrupted since I used a lot of my finished chapters surplus last week while I was doing bridesmaid duties.

As always, all recognizable characters belong to JE. All mistakes, the AU, and storyline are my own.

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Chpt. 51

"When are you planning on getting married, Samantha?" the First Lady of Tunisia, Leïla Ben Ali, asked me, calling me by my alias name.

Bryce was about ten feet away, chatting and smoking cigars with President Ben Ali, Habib Ben Ali, and many men that I didn't recognize.

"We were thinking in about sixteen months, so June 2004. That will give us plenty of time to find a good country club for our reception and to lose the baby weight," I whispered the last part to the First Lady, like I was sharing a secret. Bryce and I decided that was a good reason for me to be "sick" and for him to worry. "How long have you been married to the President? Do you have any secrets to having a successful marriage?" I asked. Nothing like making small talk about things I truly couldn't care about. I still thought eloping sounded like a better way to get married in real life.

"Always listen to Bryce and his wants and desires. Then when he wants something you don't want, negotiate so you get something you want out of the deal. That way everyone ends up happy. Also, always support him in public even if you adamantly disagree behind closed doors. Showing a unified front is important." She took a sip of her wine.

She was dressed in a designer evening gown and Louboutin heels. A good portion of her husband's constituents lived in what I considered poverty, yet she spent exorbitant amounts of money on a luxurious wardrobe. She probably could have fed a Tunisian family well for a year with what she spent on her outfit. Ridiculous. Instead of voicing my thoughts, I smiled, sipped my water, and lied like I was a good defense lawyer. "Thanks for the advice. By the way, I absolutely love your gown and shoes."

"Oh, why thank you. Yes, I go to all the Paris and Italian fashion weeks and order my clothes while I'm there. I know they're a little costly, but I have to look good. I'm half of the image of Tunisia."

Wow, could she be anymore conceited? "Yes, you definitely are," I said with a smile. "The world only sees you and your husband."

"Exactly. Oh, you must excuse me. I need to go check on the kitchen staff to make sure everything is running on time," she said.

I took the opportunity to go check in with Bryce. We had discussed my feigning nausea and going to the bathroom with Bryce taking care of me. He could then use that time to do a quick search of the President's "home" office.

I walked up to him, gently touching his arm, but not interrupting the conversation. That would be the height of disrespect to the President and I didn't want to cause an international incident. God only knew how the President would react if I did that. Bryce wrapped an arm around my waist while he continued listening to the President talk about agriculture in Tunisia and how it's a decent source of revenue, but not good enough. He explained that was why he was promoting tourism, hoping international travelers would spend their money in his country. When President Ben Ali stopped talking, Bryce gave me a kiss on the forehead.

"How are you doing, Sweets?" he asked me.

"Not so great. I'm nauseated," I said. I ever so slightly grimaced and had my hand on my stomach.

"The doctor said this would likely only last three months? Right?" he asked. "Are you going to be okay?"

"Yes, he said the first trimester. I don't know. I didn't want to interrupt your conversation. I'm going to go use the bathroom, maybe run some cold water on my wrists. I feel really warm."

Bryce turned to the President and his brother. "If you'll excuse me. I'm going to go with Samantha. I want to make sure she'll be fine." Both men nodded. They didn't look like they approved, but at the same time, I knew they understood that American men are more attentive to their pregnant wives than Tunisian men.

We walked to the bathroom at a normal pace so as not to garner any unwanted attention. He looked around quickly before we both entered the bathroom. The bathroom was large, luxurious, and had French doors instead of a window that opened onto the enclosed courtyard, making it easy for him to exit the bathroom. We determined that we could probably get away with being gone from the party for ten to fifteen minutes.

We popped in our earwigs and did a quick sound check. We could hear each other. I quickly assembled a dart gun that we had made from plastic using a 3D printer before we arrived in Tunisia. All of the "gun" parts looked like things in any woman's purse, like lipstick. The darts were hidden in a couple of fake tampons. Bryce and I were quite creative before we left Miami.

"Be back in a few. Keep time for me and tell me when I'm close to ten minutes," Bryce said, kissing my forehead before he turned to leave.

I stood watch at the bathroom door, making sure that a guard wouldn't intercept him. I checked the time again. "You're at eight minutes," I whispered, knowing he'd be able to hear me.

I made a couple groaning sounds and flushed the toilet in case anyone was actually listening to me in the bathroom. I needed to keep up appearances. I peeked out of the door again. A guard was walking towards where Bryce would be exiting the President's office. I positioned myself so I would just barely open the door and took my shot, nailing the guard in the neck.

"FYI, I just knocked out a guard that is 8 feet away from your door. Grab the dart on your way back," I said after I gently closed the door.

"Thanks for the cover. Everything good from your vantage point?" he asked.

"All clear."

"Exiting now. Cover me." Bryce extracted the dart from the guard's neck and moved him to a dark corner of the courtyard. He returned to the bathroom without calling attention to himself. I finally felt I could take a deep breath and felt my heart rate slow.

"Think you'll be able to handle eating dinner, Sweets?" he asked me as I made some more noise to make it sound like I had been sick.

"Yeah. I'm feeling better. Thanks for taking care of me," I said as we exited the bathroom. Bryce was rubbing my back in soothing circles.

"I'll always take care of you," he said quietly before he kissed the side of my head. He kept an arm around my waist as we walked back to the dinner party. I felt a little pang of sadness. I almost wished Bryce said that in our regular lives, not just when we play-acted. I knew I didn't need a man, nor was I all that convinced I wanted one, but I missed the security I felt from my quasi-relationship with Carlos.

We spent the rest of the night socializing with the Tunisian upper class. I found the women to be boring and pretentious, but talking to them did make me feel lucky to be born an American. All of these women ultimately gave into what their husbands wanted because of their culture. I'd likely have ended up stoned if I'd grown up here.

I was relieved when the night finally wrapped up and we could leave. I could only fake smile for so long. My face was hurting.

Once we got back to the hotel, I started peppering Bryce with questions. "Did you find what you needed in the office? If so, were you able to get proof? They have to be making money illegally somehow. Leïla's wardrobe alone costs far more than they should be able to afford."

"Yes, we were successful. I was able to copy the entire hard drive of his computer," he said, pulling out a five gigabyte USB key from a hidden pocket in his suit jacket. "I also was able to take pictures of some bank account numbers he has in Switzerland and the Cayman Islands. So I hope we'll be able to start following money trails from just those alone."

"Do you think we need to arrange anymore 'social' events with them? If so, Leïla mentioned going shopping together."

"I think we're good, but I'm going to analyze what we got tomorrow and then we'll decide if we need to find another reason to get access to their residence," he said. He was sitting onin the desk chair and pulling me over to stand between his legs. "In the mean time, we still have plenty of time to have real fun tonight."

I smiled and laughed. "Now that sounds like a plan I like!"

We spent the rest of the night exploring one another in bed. In the shower. On the desk. Against the wall. And finally in the bed where we fell into a sated sleep after four rounds of enjoying one another's bodies.


	52. Chapter 52

AN: Happy Sunday everyone! It's 60 degrees F here in surprisingly sunny Ohio. I have to say, I'm loving the _mild _winter. The hubs and I took one of our five mile walks and we chatted about my writing. He was super supportive and thinks I should pursue it! :D So because I'm in such a good mood, I'm posting Chpt. 52 a day early. Hope you guys had a great weekend.

* * *

Chpt. 52

Bryce's and my information gathering mission was successful. According to Bryce, Interpol was thrilled with the data he was able to copy from President Ben Ali's computer. We weren't sure how much more data needed to be collected before they could indict him, but we were happy to know that we at least gave them a strong starting point.

We returned from our trip and returned to our regular lives. I returned to my classes and he returned to his top secret missions. He was able to email a little more since our assignment to Tunisia because they were all short-term assignments. I was happy that we were able to maintain our friendship. During the operation he became my new male confidante.

Ranger continued to email me, but I still hadn't read any of them. I didn't know what to do with them. When I told Lexi about them she said I'd read them when the time was right. Ultimately, I decided she was right. I moved all of his emails into a dedicated folder and set a rule so all of his emails would go into that folder without my seeing them.

Lexi also told me that Ranger's daughter was born while I was in Tunisia. Rachel and Ranger named her Julie. According to Lexi, Julie looked exactly like Ranger's baby pictures. They were still waiting for the DNA test to come back, but according to Abuela, Julie also acted exactly like infant Carlos. Knowing that hurt some, but not as much as I expected. I guess he came to see me shortly after Julie was born, but I wasn't in Miami. A _small_ part of me wished I had been home because I wondered how he felt now that he was a father. Parenthood changes people's perspectives, or so I'm told.

It was now the beginning of March, seven months since I cut ties with Ranger and Abuela. While I was in Tunisia I decided it was time to make my peace with her. Like Lester, Ranger put her in a difficult position when it came to me. And I was tired of holding onto my anger when it came to her. Holding onto my hurt feelings used up too much energy. Yes, it still upset me, but I understood now. I told Val about my epiphany during our weekly Sunday phone call. She told me that she was proud that of me. Even though I typically don't care what she thinks, it felt good to hear her say that.

Today was the first time I'd see Abuela since then. I sat in Maïte's, a little Catalonian café, waiting for her to arrive. I was practically squirming with nerves. I hoped that Abuela would accept my apology. Even though I knew that our relationship would never be the same again, I missed having her in my life. She had become my family while I was living there and I missed having her support and words of wisdom.

Abuela arrived ten minutes late. I stood to greet her, both of us kissing each others' cheeks. "Hello, hello! I'm so sorry for being late, Steph. My life is not my own at the moment," she said.

"No worries. How are you doing?" I asked. Even though she was being friendly and smiling at me, I was still apprehensive. My heart rate was higher than normal and my hands were clammy. I hated this feeling.

"I'm good. A little sleep deprived, but good. How are you doing?"

"I'm okay. A little nervous to be honest, but I guess that's to be expected. Right?" I laughed. "So why are you sleep deprived?"

Abuela didn't meet my eyes and looked around the restaurant a bit before answering me. "I'm helping Rachel take care of the baby, Julie. I'm trying to teach her to be a mother. Sorry, I'm sure that's not a topic you want to talk about."

"Oh…yeah. It's not exactly my favorite topic at the moment…. I guess this is as good of a time as any," I said taking a deep breath. Just then the waitress decided to show up and interrupt us. Argh.

"Hello! My name is Paula and I'll be your server today. Can I get your drink orders?" she asked.

"Water with lemon please," I said.

"Same for me. Thank you," Abuela responded.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. I decided a pep talk was in order. _You can do this, Stephanie. Just apologize for cutting her out of your life and running away without a word. You can do this. _

"Before you start, I wanted to say something as well. I know Carlos and I both hurt you deeply. Obviously, I can't speak for Carlos or resolve your issues with him. They are your own, but I feel badly that you felt you had to leave. I want you to know I had no intentions of asking you to move out," Abuela said.

I looked at the table and unwrapped the paper binder that went around the rolled silverware. I played with the binder for a moment, blinking back tears.

"I want you to know that I still consider you to be family. I've missed you these past seven months, but I understand why you severed ties. I'm very sorry for hurting you," she continued.

I sat there, staring at the fake wood grain of the table, absently playing with that little piece of paper. After a few moments of silence while I considered her words, I responded. "Thank you for the apology. It wasn't necessary, but I accept it. I understand that Ranger put you in a difficult position, just like he did with Les. I…I should have talked to you sooner, but I needed time to process everything. I'm sorry for essentially running away. I should've talked to you before I left. I know I worried you and I feel badly about that. It wasn't my intention to make you worry. I just couldn't be in your house, with Ranger and his pregnant wife." I blinked back tears.

"I know, Stephanie," she said and she stood and slid into my side of the booth. She gave me a tight hug.

We spent the rest of lunch catching up. Eventually we did talk about Rachel and the baby. I didn't want to, but it was a part of Abuela's life and I needed to accept that.

"Julie's absolutely beautiful, Steph. She's only a couple weeks old, but she already has lots of personality. She's not much of a crier, but when she does, watch out. _Dios mio,_ she has a set of lungs on her. And quite the appetite, too," she said. I just smiled politely and nodded. "But Rachel…I hate speaking ill of people, but I was really hoping she would take to motherhood once Julie was born."

"She's not enjoying motherhood?" I asked. "Maybe she's just not ready to be a mother yet."

"I don't think she'll ever be ready to be a mother. Most women fall in love before they even hear the first sonogram. Once they see the ultrasound they're head over heels. Rachel wasn't either and initially, I was attributing this to her _joventud_, but I think I was wrong. She didn't even fall in love with Julie when she held her for the first time. She's completely detached." [youth]

"Could she have post-partum depression?" I didn't really care, but I didn't want Rachel to suffer with depression. With other things, sure. Just because I forgave Les and Abuela didn't mean that I forgave Ranger or Rachel. I'm not that big of a person.

"She doesn't have any of the signs besides the detachment. I don't know. She has a check-up with the doctor soon so we'll see what she says then. I'm sorry. I'm sure you don't want to talk about this."

"No, no. I mean, it's not my favorite subject, but Rachel and Julie are part of your life now. I have to accept that," I said with a sigh. "I hope things get better with Rachel."

"Me too. I'm too old to raise a baby by myself."

"Do you really think that's going to happen?" I asked.

"At this rate…yes. Carlos can't with his job. And Rachel...I don't think motherhood is a role she'll ever want."

We continued talking for the next hour. As much as it hurt to hear everything about Julie, I forced myself to listen and partake in the conversation because, regardless of my feelings, she would be in my friends' lives from here on out. I had to accept that.


	53. Chapter 53

AN: Late May - early June 2003

I know you all were hoping I would post this chapter on Monday. I posted one of Ranger's emails instead because it took place _before_ this chapter.

Next week I will _not_ post an email. Instead you guys will get more insight into Ranger, just in a different way. It will be posted as its own story because I think TLR is best told by Stephanie. I haven't changed POVs because I don't want to disrupt the flow. I haven't chosen a title of Ranger's little side story yet. So if you want to know right when I post it, follow me as an author so you get an email. Hopefully I'll have a title name by the time I post chpt. 54.

As you know I have a Pinterest board for TLR. I use a lot of different things for inspiration and organization. So I thought you guys might also like access to all of the songs I listen to or use throughout the stories. I created two public playlists on Spotify. (It's a free app that you can download and listen to music. If you hate listening to the occasional commercial, you can always pay for a premium account. I have a free account and haven't had any problems with it.) All you need to do is search for "Little Recruit" and "Without You My Days Blur Into One" and they should pop up. The playlist for TLR has, I believe, every song I mentioned throughout the story. I chose the majority of the music for TLR based on what would have been popular at that point in time in the story. The music for WYMDBIO reflects Ranger's moods and thoughts. I think it enhances the reading experience, so give it a listen.

Now it's time for me to go make a paper flower bouquet for the dress rehearsal. I'm so crafty I sweat glitter ;) Hope you all have a great rest of your week!

* * *

Chpt. 53

"Seriously? Why are you making me come with you, Lexi? Can't I meet the baby some other day?" I whined. _Like, maybe never_, I silently screamed in my mind. If Lexi could only see the mental conniption I was throwing, she'd hit me upside the back of my head, telling me to grow up.

"Steph, it's been ten months since everything happened. Julie is three months old now. I understand what she represents to you, but it's time you stop holding it against her. She's an innocent infant," Lexi said while she filled one of her water bottles.

"Would you really be itching to meet Julie if you were in my position?"

"No. Like I said, I understand what she represents to you. I really do get it, but it's time to face her. I think it will help you move past everything."

I mentally scoffed at her. Meeting and holding Julie wasn't the answer to helping me move on. Lexi, of all people, should understand that grieving takes time. I thought I was actually doing quite well, all things considered.

I had even had sex. Lots of hot sex. My cheeks flushed slightly remembering everything we had done. I wasn't in a relationship, but I considered having sex with Bryce to be a big step in the right direction to moving on with my life. Of course, I didn't exactly tell Lexi I slept with him. She knew that I thought he was gorgeous, but it would be kind of hard to explain that to her since I couldn't tell her about Tunisia. When I introduced her to him I simply said he was a friend of my family. She might soon realize that Bryce and I had some sort of agreement because he was coming back to Miami in a couple of weeks and was going to stay with me.

"Fine," I sighed. Might as well get this over with. I'd have to meet her at some point.

Lexi squealed with excitement. "Yay! You'll see. This will be so good for you! I swear. Holding a baby is like the best therapy ever."

I raised my eyebrows at Lexi. "You're on crack. I held Angie, my infant niece, that was _not_ calming."

"Angie doesn't count. She had colic. Julie is the most chill baby on earth unless she's hungry. I swear you'll love her."

I rolled my eyes at Lexi and followed her out the door. I really should have started searching for a summer job before we had finals. Then I would have plans and a good excuse to not have to go to Abuela's and meet Julie. While Abuela and I had made up, I still had yet to return to the house. I had more trepidations about being in the house than meeting Julie.

When we arrived, Abuela was already at the door holding the baby. Abuela smiled and I could see how happy she was to see both Lexi and me.

"_Hola, mis nietas_," she said while she waved us into the house. Lexi immediately went to the kitchen to find food, leaving me with Abuela and the baby. [Hi, my granddaughters.]

I gave her a tight smile in return. Just because we mended fences so to speak, didn't mean I considered her family anymore. I still felt that there was a gulf between us.

"_¡Qué sorpresa!_ What brings you here today, Steph?" she asked me. [What a surprise!]

"Lexi poked and prodded me until I gave in."

"Mmmm. I see. Well, it's still good that you're here. I just wish it had been your idea."

Fat chance of that. I had planned on never returning to this house. Stupid Lexi.

"Do you want to hold Julie?" Abuela asked.

Not particularly, but I couldn't find a plausible reason for getting out of holding her. "Sure," I said with a tight smile. Abuela handed Julie over to me and checked to make sure I was holding her properly, supporting her head. Julie looked at me and smiled. The walls I had built around my heart when it came to Ranger and Rachel and transitively to Julie started to crack and slowly crumble. Maybe Lexi was right. Maybe holding Julie would be the ultimate way to move past what happened.

Thinking about Ranger and how he treated me still hurt, but I no longer felt like I was punched in the gut when I thought of him. I wasn't sure if I could forgive him for everything yet, if ever, but I couldn't hold him against Julie. She was a perfect, beautiful baby that didn't deserve my silent ire. She smiled a bright, toothless grin and the last of my icy reserve towards Julie melted.

I laid on the carpet with her while she did her tummy time. She never once stopped looking at me. Julie was by far the most focused baby I had ever met. Go figure. She never once broke eye contact with me. She mimicked my facial expressions and babbled at me.

Both Lexi and Abuela tried to take Julie from my arms when it was time to feed her, but Julie screamed bloody murder. She quieted immediately once she was back in my arms. I fed her, changed her diaper (something I'd refused to do for my own niece), and held her while she slept in my arms for an hour before I placed her in her crib.

Lexi was right. Holding Julie was definitely healing. I think I even fell a bit in love with her sometime between when I walked in the door and tummy time.

Unfortunately, our happy visit ended on a sour note. Lexi and I were gathering our things to leave when Rachel arrived. Even though I had never met her, I realized it had to be her when she walked through the door. Lexi and Abuela immediately stilled. I stood there watching Rachel, observing her. For her part, Rachel seemed completely oblivious to the oppressive feeling of discomfort that had entered the house with her.

After a slight delay, Abuela went to greet her, kissing both cheeks. "You just missed Julie. Steph just put her down for the night."

"Oh, that's okay. It's not like I missed anything anyway. She's just a baby," Rachel said. I know my eyes widened in shock. Julie wasn't even _my baby_ and I knew I'd be disappointed if I came over and she was already down for the night. How could she talk about her child like that?

"You miss out on a lot by not spending time with her, Rachel," Abuela said.

"No, I don't. It's not like she can talk or do fun things. I'd rather be out partying than home with her. All she does is eat, sleep, poop, pee, and cry. Talk about boring!" She sang the last word.

I felt my blood pressure rising. I know that Ranger didn't _choose_ to have a baby with _Rachel_. She was just supposed to be a fun night, but wow! Talk about a selfish bitch. I was shocked to realize I actually felt somewhat sorry for Ranger.

"That's no way to talk about your daughter," Lexi said, her tone sharp.

"It's not like I wanted to be a mother. When I realized I was pregnant I decided to get an abortion, but I couldn't go through with it. Now I'm stuck with her," Rachel said.

The tenuous hold I had on my control snapped. "So why are you still living here? You clearly don't care about your daughter. You're not raising her. Abuela is. Do you even know the amount of damage you have done to Ranger's life? To Abuela's? To mine?"

"I haven't damaged anyone's life but my own," she scoffed. "Look at my hips and tummy! They're never going to go back to the way they were before _her_." The amount of disdain in her voice when she referred to her daughter was disgusting.

"You really think you _haven't_ fucked up multiple lives? You only care about your figure? Oh. My. God. You are a truly awful, shallow person. Abuela is in her seventies and she's raising _your_ daughter. This is supposed to be a relaxing time for her. And what about Ranger? He turned his life upside down for you and you don't even appreciate it! He married you and destroyed his personal life and I was the fucking collateral damage! So stop your little pity party and become a mother or get out of everyone's lives. Nobody deserves to have your toxicity in their lives," I practically yelled. My body shook with rage.

"Where am I supposed to live?" she cried. Just more proof that she only cared about herself.

"I don't know and I don't care. I'm sure you can find some guy to sleep with and con them into giving you a place to live. You're a pretty girl. Use what God gave you," I said, giving her a cold smile.

Abuela looked sad and disappointed, but resolute. "Rachel, you have until five o'clock Friday afternoon to find a new place to live. And you will sign sole custody over to Carlos with me as the acting guardian when he is out of town."

"You can't do that. This is _my_ home!" Rachel cried out. She was upset about losing a free place to live, not about losing her daughter. Talk about being an awful person.

"No, this is _my house_ and I _allowed you_ to live here at no cost to you. I think this is what's best for all involved," Abuela said.

"Ugh! You're just a cranky old woman. You don't know anything," Rachel snapped. She turned on her heel, and walked out the door, slamming it closed behind her.

"Well…that was eventful," Lexi said.

"Yes. I can't say I'm sorry, but I wish she at least cared about her daughter," Abuela replied.

"Do you really wish that?" I asked. "Overall, I think having Rachel in Julie's live would be detrimental to Julie's wellbeing."

"Hmm…probably," Abuela sighed. "If you'll excuse me, I need to call my attorney to see if he knows a good family law lawyer."

Lexi and I left Abuela's and drove home in silence, both of us contemplating the events of the evening. I might not be friends with Ranger or even want him in my life, but I made a silent vow that I'd do everything I could to be there for Julie.


	54. Chapter 54

Chpt. 54

The past couple of weeks were somewhat eventful. Abuela kicked Rachel out of her house. Rachel willingly, if not somewhat excitedly, gave up all parental rights to Julie. Bryce arranged for me to interview with the Special Agent in Charge (SAC) Jim Jameson for an internship in the FBI's Miami office, which I got. This past Monday I started working from 0800 to 1630 Monday through Friday in the downtown Miami office.

Five days into my internship and I determined that working in an FBI office might be incredibly boring. At the very least, my internship is monotonous. I have a feeling I wouldn't be so dispassionate if I was investigating someone or out in the field. I'm sure this is the reaction that Uncle Sam wanted. Sitting at a desk for eight hours a day in a butt-numbing chair might be the death of me. I filed paperwork and files. I fetched coffee, though I'm pretty sure my uncle wouldn't be happy with the FBI's failing to give me actual work experience. So when the clock ticked to 1630 on Friday afternoon, I was more than a little ecstatic. I could finally escape.

I hightailed it home and changed out of my poly-blend pants suit into my normal shorts, flip flops, and tank top. I restyled my hair into a loose bun situated at the top of my head instead of the tight, painful bun I wore during the work week. Looking professional was overrated.

At 1800 the phone rang, alerting me that Bryce arrived downstairs. I told Eduardo that he should add him to the list of my permitted guests and to send him up. A couple minutes later I heard Bryce knocking on the door, making my heart race a tiny bit. I took a deep breath and opened the door. He stood there with his blinding smile. I grinned in return.

Before we returned from our assignment in Tunisia we discussed what type of arrangement we wanted. After going through the extreme circumstances of Bryce's job and my college lifestyle we decided that we would only sleep with one another. A relationship in the conventional sense wasn't a possibility. Bryce travelled too much and I wasn't ready to give my heart to anyone. I felt like I was just beginning to piece it back together when we were in Tunisia. Three months later, I felt like I had finally stitched it all back together. I might be whole again, but the wounds were still somewhat fresh.

That said, Bryce was one of the few people I truly trusted. He didn't have ulterior motives. He was upfront with me, which seemed to be such a rarity these days – at least when it came to the men in my life.

"Hey, come on in," I said, opening the door wide so he could enter the apartment with ease. After I closed the door behind him, he dropped his duffle bag on the floor and hugged me tightly.

"How's my favorite girl?" he asked, slouching some to rest his forehead against mine.

"Much better now that you're here and it's the weekend!"

"That's what I like to hear," he said, a large grin on his face.

"Let's take your bag to my room. Then do you want to go out and grab dinner?"

"I think dinner can wait for a little while. I've missed you."

I felt my face flush with anticipation and ever-so-slight embarrassment. Even though I'd been with Bryce repeatedly, being wanted and feeling desirable was still a little surreal. I led him into my bedroom pointing to where he could leave his bag and closed the door behind me. When he turned around he pinned me with a look of pure desire. In three steps he stood in front of me, looking deep into my eyes.

"Are you still good with this arrangement?" he asked me.

I smiled, "Yeah, I'm still good with this."

"Oh, thank God," he murmured right before he kissed me. His kiss started gentle, but it progressed quickly to powerful and passionate. Our tongues tangled, he sucked on my bottom lip before I gently nipped him, drawing a laugh out of him. "Feeling playful, are we?"

"Just a little playful…and a lot of desperate," I said. I wrapped my arms around his neck tighter, pressing my body closer to his. He groaned in response and started walking us back towards my bed. His hands found the bottom of my tank top, pulling it up and over my head, disengaging my arms.

He looked down at me in my bra and shorts and moaned. "I swear you get more beautiful each time I see you."

I unbuttoned his shirt and pushed it off his shoulders. We unapologetically looked one another over while we continued to undress each other. He truly was a beautiful specimen of a man. Looking at his washboard abs and muscular arms was more than enough to arouse me. Add in his eye contact and kisses and it's a wonder my legs held me up long enough to make it to the bed.

I couldn't wait much longer. I quickly pulled off my remaining clothes and climbed onto the bed. "Hurry," I urged him, "it's been months."

Bryce quietly laughed. "Glad to know you missed me," he said while I tore off the rest of his clothes. He pushed me down on the bed gently and climbed over me. He held himself over me on one forearm while he caressed me with his other hand and devoured my lips. I wrapped my legs around him, urging him to hurry. Bryce stopped kissing me and looked into my eyes with a huge grin on his face. "In a rush?"

"I told you. I'm _desperate_. We have all weekend for slow. Right now _I need you_."

"Well, we wouldn't want that, now would we?" he smiled. He pushed himself off me and got off the bed, walking towards his bag.

"You're still clean?" I asked. We both got periodic tests to screen for sexually transmitted diseases and emailed the scanned results to each other. While I had mentioned to him the possibility of getting the birth control implant that goes in the arm so we wouldn't have to worry about pregnancy, I hadn't told him I got it last month.

"Yeah, the test results are in my wallet," he said as he bent down to grab the box of condoms.

"Well, you can put those back in your bag unless you really like condoms. I got the implant in my arm that I told you about."

He tossed the box back in his bag and jumped on the bed. "Best news of the day," he said right before his lips met mine. He crawled back between my legs, settled his body over mine, and looked deeply into my eyes. I wrapped my fingers around his erection and guided him to my core. His breath hitched and he closed his eyes for a long moment before he thrust into me.

"Oh my God," I moaned, wrapping my legs around his waist and pulling his lips back down to mine.

"You have no idea how much I've missed being with you," Bryce said in between thrusts.

I laughed, "I think I can tell. You're huge."

"Of course I am. I'm with you," he smiled down at me before nipped my ear.

I whimpered and pressed my feet into the small of his back, urging him on. My hands tugged on his hair and I guided his lips back to mine. My tongue caressed his as he started to ravage me, playfulness now forgotten. My hips met his thrust for thrust. His mouth traveled down to my sensitive spot just below my ear, which he gently bit and then sucked.

"Are you close?" he asked in between thrusts.

"Yes," I managed to moan.

"Good," he said, his hand finding my breast and tweaked my nipple.

Pleasure flooded my body and I cried Bryce's name in ecstasy.

"Oh thank God," he sighed as my core continued to contract. He plunged into me twice more before nirvana overtook him. He stayed nestled in me for a moment before he rolled over and pulled me onto his chest. My ear rested on his chest and I listened to his heart start to calm. His fingers trailed up and down my spine. After a few minutes he seemed able to speak. "Wow. I've never experienced anything like that."

I pushed myself up so I could look into his eyes and I smiled. "I know. That was amazing." The feeling of intimacy had skyrocketed since we were last together. I'm not sure if it was because we missed each other and had become closer from emailing each other every day for the past three weeks or if it was because we had sex without a condom. Maybe it was both reasons.

"Come back and cuddle," Bryce yawned as he gently tugged on my arm to lay back down with him. "I need some serious recovery time after that."

I laughed. "Do you want to skip going out to dinner tonight? I can just order in a pizza."

"That sounds like a great plan. We'll definitely go out to dinner tomorrow night."

"'Kay. I'll call and order a pizza after I run to the bathroom and clean up."

We spent the rest of the night eating pizza, watching movies, and making out.

The next day we hung out on the beach with Lexi – laying out, talking, and playing beach volleyball. Lexi decided it was her place to make sure that Bryce's intentions were noble. Thank heavens Bryce is good at improvising because our intentions towards one another were far from moral. Frankly, they were downright sinful and while we were okay with that, I knew Lexi wouldn't approve.

"So what is it that you do, Bryce?" Lexi asked.

"I'm the Assistant Director of Organizational Structure and Development for USAID," he replied, taking a long pull on his Corona.

"Okay, and that means you do what?" Lexi continued to probe.

"It means I help reorganize the different branches throughout the world when they become inefficient, have problem employees, or when we recognize that certain employees have talents that we're not taking advantage of," he explained.

That sounded good to me if not terribly dry. I hoped that would deter Lexi from continuing her line of questioning. I sat up and grabbed a tube of my sunblock, handing it to Bryce without a word, knowing full well that he'd reapply it to my back without question.

"So do you travel a lot for your job?" Lexi asked. I mentally sighed.

"I'm almost always traveling. Though I have a lot of leave built up, so maybe I'll start taking more of it now to come visit Steph on a semi-regular basis," he said. Well, at least he made it a point to say he wanted to come visit me. That would sound good to Lexi. Hell, it sounded good to me, but unlike Lexi, I knew the realities of Bryce's job.

"Do you have a different girl in all the cities you travel to?" she asked. At that I turned quickly, pushing my sunglasses down the bridge of my nose so she could see my death glare.

"No," he replied as he rubbed sunblock onto my neck and shoulders. "I'm only seeing Steph. We have an understanding. We're seeing each other exclusively." That was about as accurate as he could get without saying we were friends-with-benefits that exclusively slept with one another. She definitely wouldn't like that.

Lexi squinted at him, like she was trying to determine the truthfulness of his words. After a few moments, she nodded, put her sunglasses on and laid back down. "Just so you know, if you hurt her, I'll have my brother kill you and hide your body without any guilt."

I looked at Lexi. She was getting a little scary. Or she might have just hung around Les and me too much.

"Understood and I won't hold that against you. I'm glad Steph has friends that look out for her. She needs that. She's too nice of a person," he said.

I could tell Lexi liked that response. She visibly relaxed. After her mini-interrogation, the rest of our time on the beach passed in peace.

Bryce and I headed out to dinner later that night at Maïte. I even dressed up a little with a cute little print skirt, and a light, loose, white tank top, with a jean jacket and four-inch stiletto sandals. My hair was up again in a messy bun to show off my earrings. What I didn't realize when I left the apartment was that I had a hickey courtesy of Bryce a little behind and below my right ear. I only saw it when I checked my lip gloss in the car mirror.

We sat in the left back corner of the restaurant, chatting and enjoying the ease of being in each other's company. I typically sat with my back against the wall, but since I was out with Bryce, I wasn't worried with sitting with my back to the door. If something happened, I knew he'd protect me and let me know what I needed to do to protect myself as well.

The problem with sitting with my back to the room is that I couldn't see who walked into the restaurant. Half-way through our meal, we were interrupted by Abuela.

"_¡Estefanía, qué sorpresa! ¿Con quién sales?_" Abuela asked me. [Stephanie, what a surprise! Who's your date?]

"Abuela, hi, how are you?" I asked, getting up and kissing each cheek. "This is Bryce. Bryce this is Abuela. She's Les', Lexi's, and Ranger's grandmother. I used to live with her."

"Oh, right! I've heard a lot about you. It's nice to meet you," Bryce said, standing up to greet her. Abuela smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. She looked a little tense. A few seconds later, I realized why.

"Steph, Bryce," Ranger said, holding Julie in his arms. When Julie saw me she started squirming and reaching out for me.

This was awkward.

"Ranger," I said. Bryce silently greeted Ranger with a chin jerk.

Julie started crying and wouldn't stop. Ranger rubbed her back, bounced her slightly, but none of that seemed to make her happy. She continued to reach for me so I decided I might as well try to hold her in the hopes that she'd stop crying. She instantly quieted once she was in my arms.

"Hi, my little love bug," I murmured to Julie, kissing the top of her head. Ranger looked at me with some confusion and appraising eyes. "Bryce, this is Ranger's daughter, Julie." Julie gave him a blinding, toothless grin. Bryce smiled back at her and reached out to her. She quickly latched onto his finger.

"Babe, I see you've met Julie," he said. His eyes darted quickly to my hickey before making eye contact with me again. If I didn't know him so well previously, I would have missed the ever so slight look of tension that flitted across his face. Absentmindedly, I realized I didn't care if my love bite caused him any sort of discomfort.

I sighed. "Yeah, I visit with her when Lexi goes to visit Abuela. And before I started my internship I'd babysit for Abuela if she had errands she needed to run."

Ranger smiled at me. I didn't know what that smile meant and I had no desire to try to figure it out. It's amazing how time changes things.

Abuela cleared her throat, "Well, we should probably go to our table and leave Steph to her, um…her date."

Ranger's eyes narrowed ever so slightly when Abuela used the word "date". He gently gathered Julie from my arms. She tried to reach for me again, but Ranger held her close to his chest. "Not now, Jules. Babe is busy. I'm sure you'll get to see her again." He turned and looked at Bryce. "It was nice seeing you again, man. Take care of Steph for me, please."

"Always. I'll always take care of Steph," Bryce said.

Ranger looked over at me and gave me a sad smile. "Babe. Good to see you again."

"Bye," I said watching them walk to the other side of the restaurant. That turned out better than I thought it would. Bryce and I sat back down. I took a few seconds to calm my racing heart.

"You okay?" Bryce asked me.

I thought for a few moments, taking a sip of water. Was I okay? "You know what? I am. I didn't think I'd be, but I am. I think I always imagined the first time I'd see him after everything to be this awful, angst-riddled encounter. It was a little awkward, but I think that's kind of expected, right?"

"I think it would be strange if it wasn't at least somewhat uncomfortable for all those involved. You were major parts of each other's lives and you didn't exactly part on amicable terms," he said.

"Yeah," I snorted. "We definitely didn't part on the best of terms. I really thought seeing him again would hurt more. I just feel kind of…I don't know. It was sort of like seeing a ghost. I miss who he used to be to me and that makes me a bit sad, but just now, when I saw him, all I felt was some sort of resigned acceptance. Does that make sense?"

"It does. It makes a lot of sense. Are you okay to stay and finish dinner or do you want to go? I can always get them to box everything up, including a huge piece of cheesecake if you need comfort food."

I smiled at his thoughtfulness. "Nah, I'm okay. We can stay. I'm actually kind of glad that we ran into them. And I'm glad you were here with me. Your silent support helped. I think I'm good. It doesn't hurt." I laughed. "I'm actually really good for the first time in months." And I sighed in relief. I felt what was probably the first truly genuine smile grace my lips.

I glanced over at Ranger and Abuela's table to see him openly watching me. The small part of me that would probably always remain hurt and wary of him felt a little victorious, wrong as that might be. I knew that while he destroyed me months ago, I had come out the other side of this heartbreak stronger than I was before. I was no longer dependent on anyone to take care of me or make me happy. I loved my friends and family. They enriched my life and I'd be lonely without them in my life, but for the first time since my parents passed away I was comfortable being on my own.

"Well, I think this calls for celebrating. Let's finish dinner and take some cheesecake back to your place. We'll just make a quick detour on the way back to pick up some champagne."

I smiled at Bryce's sweetness and the lack of hurt and tension I constantly felt in my body. I had finally moved on.


	55. Chapter 55

AN: Happy Sunday, everyone! Here's this week's installment of TLR. Look for me to post an email in "Without You..." later in the week.

* * *

Chpt. 55

Bryce and I enjoyed the rest of Saturday night and Sunday. I truly thought seeing Ranger again would break me, but I realized that I'd gotten over most of the heartbreak and was left with mainly happy memories. Spending time with Bryce helped me to avoid obsessing and second-guessing myself, but once he left, I couldn't ignore my curiosity any longer. I had to read Ranger's emails that I had been saving and ignoring for months. I grabbed my laptop and went out to the balcony to read.

He was sorry. And he chose songs to express how he felt because words were never his forte. All of his songs were heartbreaking, but so powerful that I cried a little listening to them. I was actually a little impressed that he had been emailing me regularly even though I hadn't responded. I'm not sure I would have continued with such a futile exercise, but then I never did have Ranger's dedication.

I was surprised to see Aunt Marjie's and Uncle Charlie's response to Ranger's news. I really felt like they hadn't supported me when everything happened. Hell, they told me I needed to be there to support Ranger! Though after reading through some of the emails and meeting Rachel, I understood their perspective a little better.

I was happy to read that Ranger was still working with Hannah. We all needed help sometimes and I had no doubt he needed it to deal with Rachel, impending fatherhood, and the loss of my friendship. I probably would have needed to talk to a professional if I didn't have Lexi. She knew what to say, when to use a soft touch, and when to push me out of my comfort zone and say, "It's time to stop grieving." And nothing against Les, Tank, or Bobby, but they are dumb guys and wouldn't have the slightest clue how to help Ranger deal with the upheaval in his life. I found it odd to think I was far enough removed from everything that happened that I now sort of cared for Ranger's wellbeing. I didn't care a whole lot, but I no longer fantasized about going all Lorena Bobbitt on his boy bits.

Halfway through reading the emails, I went back into the apartment to grab a glass of wine and ran into Lexi.

"Hey," she said. "Whatcha up to?"

"Grabbing a glass of wine before I go back out to the balcony to finish reading the emails Ranger sent," I replied.

"Woah. You finally decided to read them? What changed your mind?" Lexi asked, her eyebrows raising in shock.

"Bryce and I ran into Abuela, Ranger, and Julie last night at Maïte and I realized that I'm over Ranger. I really thought it'd hurt to see him again, but I just felt a little…nostalgic and maybe a little sad. I remembered all the good times and I guess I missed him some. Maybe I've forgiven him or maybe I've just moved past the whole situation. I'm not entirely sure yet." I opened the cabinet and grabbed a wine glass.

"Well, I'm glad it didn't hurt you or mess things up with Bryce's visit."

"Me, too. I think having Bryce there gave me the courage to face Ranger. I think I'd have been too scared to talk to Ranger what little I did without Bryce's silent support," I said while I was uncorking the bottle of wine.

"I'm glad Bryce was there for you, but wasn't it awkward?"

"A little. I mean, it wasn't comfortable, but it wasn't God-I-wish-the-earth-would-swallow-me-whole uncomfortable. I think the weirdest part was Julie preferring to be held by me rather than Ranger." I poured the wine and then took a sip.

Lexi started laughing. "I always said that kid had good taste."

"Well, I am pretty awesome," I said, winking at Lexi.

"Definitely. And I'd pick you over Carlos any day."

"I'd hope so. I'm your roomie and B.F.F.," I replied rolling my eyes.

"It helps that you're nice on the eyes," she joked. "Plus you have mad take-out ordering skills."

"Thanks, I think. I'm going to take my glass of wine back out there to finish reading," I said, picking up my glass of wine.

"Yell if you need me," Lexi called as I retreated back to the balcony.

I sat down on my lounge chair and grabbed my laptop. Taking a sip of my wine, I started reading again. Without realizing it, I had started to cry again when Ranger wrote about being scared that he'd die on a mission before we had a chance to resolve our issues. I hadn't even considered that. I put the laptop down so that I could go find Lexi.

When I walked into her room she looked up from the magazine she was reading. "Oh, no. What did _el pendejo_ write?" [the asshole]

"He wrote that he feared he'd die on some mission before we resolved our issues," I sniffled. "And I hadn't even thought about that and now I feel like an awful person."

"Okay, I'm not following you. Why would that make you an 'awful person'?"

"Because he told me he knew I'd be upset if he died before we talk things through and he wanted me to know if that happened, that he understood why I cut him off and that he wasn't upset with me. He knew I'd feel guilty if he died and things were all messed up between us because I refused to talk to him. He was still concerned about me and my feelings. And I hadn't even thought about the possibility of him dying." Lexi handed me the box of tissues from her nightstand.

"Steph, you're not an awful person because you didn't concern yourself with the chance that he could die before you choose to talk to him. You were doing what's best for you like you should. Any one of us could die and leave unresolved issues with friends and family. That's life," she told me.

"But he wrote me because he didn't want me to be upset. He considered my feelings and I didn't give his any consideration." I couldn't stop shedding tears.

"You had no reason to take his feelings into account. _He is the one who caused the rift_. That's on him, not you. You have no reason to feel guilty about that. I wouldn't have considered his feelings if I were in your shoes and that doesn't make me a bad person. That's called self-preservation. You're just too nice for your own good."

"You sure?" I asked.

"Yes. Look, the sentiment behind what he said is good. He still knows you well. He knew you'd beat yourself up and he didn't want that for you. Going based on what you told me, the last thing he wants is for you to be upset because of something he wrote."

"I'm so confused," I mumbled.

"Reading those emails will probably confuse you. You came to terms with his betrayal and your feelings. You refused to talk to or see him, so you had no real idea what he was going through. It sounds like those emails gives you more of his perspective. Now you have to reconcile that with yours."

"Hmm, yeah. I guess so."

"Look…if you never want anything else to do with him, I'd probably stop reading the emails. There's no reason to read his words if you want nothing to do with him ever again. If you want him in your life in some capacity, I could understand reading the emails. Then you could deal with those feelings in the privacy of your own home instead of being forced to deal with them when the past almost year comes up in conversation, which inevitably it would. So the question is…what do you want?" Lexi asked me.

"I don't know."

"How about you figure that out before you possibly go back to reading them."

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Thanks for talking," I said, getting off the bed.

"No problem."

I walked out of her room and back to the balcony. I sipped my wine and glared at my laptop. Do I even want to be friends with Ranger again? Would that even be a good idea? Could I handle that? I knew I wasn't in love with him anymore, so I wouldn't consider any type of romantic relationship. I had never considered being friends with him again.

Hours later I still had not come to any sort of decision with regards to Ranger. The only thing that came out of that night was my calling Lula and inviting her down to visit me for the following weekend. I wanted my loud, loquacious friend to come distract me.

And distract me, she did.

"What do you mean you ain't got no snack cakes in this here apartment? What do you live off of?" Lula cried as she examined our cupboards in search of "acceptable" food.

"Well, Lexi cooks a lot and I specialize in ordering pizza and meatball subs," I replied.

"White girl, you got to get your food pyramid straight! Snack cakes are the foundation of any balanced diet. Come on, let's go shopping!" she tugged at my arm.

"Seriously? There's perfectly good day old pizza in there," I sighed. Lula just rolled her eyes at me. "Fine. Let me grab my purse."

"Now, you need to get fried chicken, snack cakes, donuts, ooh and maybe some waffles to go with that fried chicken. And you know if we get waffles, we need syrup, too. And it can't be no Aunt Jemima crap either. I mean real maple stuff. Plus, it's racist to buy Aunt Jemima. They make her look like Mammy, the slave."

Oh boy, I thought. It was too early in the morning for discussions about racism and whether or not Aunt Jemima looks like a slave in the Antebellum South. Really, that was just a discussion I didn't want to have because really, what could I say? To quote Lula, I was a "pasty white, skinny-ass white girl".

"Fried chicken, snack cakes, and donuts. Is it okay if we get some frozen waffles? I don't even know how you make waffles other than ordering them in a restaurant," I said.

"Oooh girl, I love me some Eggo® waffles! I'm coo' with frozen ones as long as they're Eggo®," Lula said. She continued babbling about the merits of Eggo® waffles in comparison to all the other brands out there. I found it a little scary she knew so much about frozen waffles, but this was Lula after all. I listened with half an ear so I knew when to make the appropriate "uh-huh" and "mmhmm" noises as I guided her down to the parking garage and my car.

We finally got on the road so we could get buy Lula's "necessities" at Garcia's Groceries. Ten minutes into the drive, Lula and I forgot why were were out and about.

"Did you just see _that?_" she asked me.

"So it's not just me then?" I asked.

"_**No. Oh my God. Follow that Tastykake® truck!"**_ she screamed. "Come on, faster! We're losing him."

I checked my mirrors quickly, hit my turn signal and maneuvered my car around a big F150 truck that was keeping me from having a good visual on my target. He honked at me and gave me the bird, but I didn't care. I hadn't seen a Tastykake® in years. All I could think of was eating a Butterscotch Krimpett.

"Faster!" she yelled, bouncing up and down in the front passenger seat.

"I'm going, I'm going! Chill out," I replied.

My eyes were still on the prize, namely the a delicious butterscotch snack cake. The Tastykake® truck was now in the far right lane and I was in the left. Checking all of my mirrors, I hit the gas, ran a yellow light and cut across two lanes. I was still three cars behind. Thankfully, we were all stuck at a red light. I looked around at the neighboring cars, taking into consideration their make, model, and year they were made. I could easily out maneuver all but one car – a freaking candy apple red Lamborghini. The light turned green and I hit the gas, cutting off my neighbor in the middle lane. Sorry buddy, but you're in my way, I thought. I wove in and out of traffic until only that damn sports car was between us and the truck transporting snack cake gold.

"Where do you think they're goin'?" Lula asked, her eyes as large as saucers, and drool beginning to collect at her lower lip.

"Maybe Costco? I don't know. Last I knew, Tastykake® didn't distribute as far south as Florida. Hell, I couldn't even get them in Georgia." We continued to follow the truck another three miles before he finally turned into Costco's parking lot. "Shit, I don't have a membership."

"No problem, white girl. I got one when I went to college. I had to stock up on toilet paper. That shit they have at the dorms, girl it's so awful. It's like see through sandpaper. Ugh. So I had to start buying my own. I'm delicate ya know! And then the other girls on my floor found out and started buying rolls from me. A buck a roll! Can ya believe it? I made $250 in April," she told me.

Only Lula, I thought and laughed. "Well in that case, you can buy the Tastykakes®."

"I can handle that. Come on. Let's go find us some snack cake-y goodness!"

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And you can check out Pinterest. I really did find a Tastykake® truck last summer, which inspired this chapter. Hope you all have a great week :)


	56. Chapter 56

AN: Thanks for being patient everyone :) Here's this week's TLR chapter. Hope you enjoy it. Pinterest is updated.

Time to go back to being lazy and watching the first season of _Dead of Like Me_. :D

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Chpt. 56

Classes were going to start again in a few very short days. Two more years of college. That was all of the freedom I had left before my contract truly came into effect. I was feeling a little nostalgic and apprehensive today. It was a strange combination, I know. Maybe it was because I had just started emailing with Ranger. I missed what our friendship used to be and I was scared about letting him back in my life, even if only via email. Maybe it was because I realized how fast the past two years went by and I only had two more years before I worked for some alphabet agency. I think anyone would be concerned about that.

I wished that I had somebody to talk to about my concerns, but Les was out of the country on a mission. I could email Ranger, but like Les, he was out of the country and we weren't remotely close to being at that level of friendship needed for that topic. And my uncle…sometimes I feel it's hard to talk to my parental figures. So that left me to my own counsel and that led me to the mall because when all else fails, retail therapy is forever.

"What do you think of this dress?" I asked Lexi.

"I think it's cute, but do you really need another little black dress?" she questioned.

"Probably not, but the neckline is so different!" Plus, buying something made me happy. It didn't make my credit card content, but who really cares about an anthropomorphized object's feelings?

"Keep looking," Lexi instructed. "Look for something you'll actually wear multiple times." I just sighed in response and continued in my futile search while holding onto the cutest LBD I had seen in years.

"Here! Look at these," she called to me from across the store. "You can totally wear camo green capris with a white tank top and sandals. It's totally you. Oooh, and just think about if you accessorize it." I might have turned Lexi into a shopping monster for the day, but I had to admit, the outfit she was putting together looked good.

While Lexi accessorized my possible outfit, I started looking at the hoodies. I was a college student after all. I found one that, while being boring grey, made me laugh. It said, "I'M SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID WHEN YOU TRIED TO WAKE ME UP". I held it up for Lexi to see, causing her to snort.

"I think you need to buy that. You are _not_ a morning person." We continued shopping until we put a nasty dent in my credit card. I'd feel guilty about that, but shopping therapy significantly helped my mood from shitty to borderline happy.

On our way home we were singing along to Nelly's "Shake Ya Tailfeather" in the car when my cellphone rang. I turned the radio down so I could hear Abuela.

"Hello," I greeted her.

"_Hola, querida_. I was hoping you could come over and watch Julie for me for a couple hours. I'm not feeling very well and I made an appointment with the doctor for 3:00," Abuela asked in a rush. [Hi, sweetheart.]

"Sure, I can watch Julie. What's wrong?" I asked. Lexi glanced over with concern marring her pretty face.

"I'm sure I'll be fine. I just have a bad cough and I'm thinking a cold. I want to get to the doctor before it gets bad. I have to think about taking care of Julie," Abuela said.

Lexi mouthed that she'd come watch Julie with me. "Abuela, we'll actually be right over. Lexi and I are already out running errands," I told her.

"_Gracias, __querida_." [Thank you, sweetheart.]

"_De nada. Hasta pronto_," I said, hanging up my phone. [You're welcome. See you soon.]

"What's wrong?" Lexi asked me once I was off the phone.

"She thinks she has a cold and wants to go to the doctor before it gets worse," I said.

"Well, that's good. It's better to be proactive."

"Yeah, it is…" my voice trailed off. Dread settled in my stomach. My intuition was screaming that she didn't just have a simple cold. We arrived at Abuela's ten minutes later, but those ten minutes seemed like a lifetime with all of my worries running through my head.

Abuela was already waiting for us at the door with Julie on her hip. Her skin had a grey pallor. The feeling of dread spread, sending a chill down my spine.

"_Mis queridas, muchas gracias para cuidarse a Julie__,_" Abuela said to us, stopping because she started coughing badly. I extracted Julie from Abuela's tenuous hold. [My sweethearts, thank you so much for taking care of Julie.]

"Abuela, how about I take you to the doctor?" Lexi asked, giving me a look. I wondered if she was as concerned as I was. I nodded to her in silent agreement. Lexi taking Abuela to the doctor would be for the best.

"Lexi, _soy una adulta. No necesitas rondarme__,_" Abuela said in between hacking coughs. [Lexi, I'm an adult. You don't need to hover over me.]

"Abuela, _te amo. Por favor, permíteme ayudarte_," Lexi said as she guided her out the door towards her car. [Abuela, I love you. Please, let me to help you.]

I helped Julie wave good-bye as they drove off. "Well, it looks like it's just you and me, my little love bug. How about we walk around the house looking for your pack-and-play and everything else you might need? I have a feeling you'll be coming home with me tonight."

Two hours later, I found the pack-and-play, packed two weeks' worth of baby clothes (Because all babies go through more than one outfit a day due to drool, spit up, and whatnot.), packed Julie's diaper bag with bottles, and moved it all plus a couple boxes of diapers to the front door. Lexi and Abuela still hadn't returned from the doctor's office. With each passing minute my concern was inching closer to panic – panic that Abuela was incredibly sick and panic about taking care of a six-month old infant.

Three hours after Lexi took Abuela to the doctor, she called my cell phone. "Hey," she greeted me.

"Hey yourself. What's going on?" I asked while I watched Julie on her play mat, batting at and grabbing the different hanging stuffed animals.

"Abuela is being admitted to the hospital. They said she has walking pneumonia."

Shit. Pneumonia was bad. That was what had killed Grandma Mazur on one of her trips to Atlantic City. But, I reminded myself, Abuela was in the hospital getting the care she needed.

"Okay," I sighed. "Um…so I packed up everything Julie would need for the next week. I figured…I figured I could take care of her since we still have a week before classes start and I already finished my internship."

Apparently I had lost my ability to form sentences. I felt like my brain was short-circuiting. What would…? No, I won't go there. She's going to be fine.

"That's good. Abuela asked if we'd be willing to watch her. I think Mami would help us, too," she said.

"I'm sure your mom would help, but it's probably better if she's at the hospital with Abuela. We can watch Julie, no problem." I sounded far more confident than I felt. Watching a baby for a couple hours was way different than taking care of a baby for days on end.

"Mami just got here. I'm going to tell her everything the doctors have said so far and then I'll come pick you up. Okay?" she asked.

"Sure…. I know Ranger isn't in-country right now, but I don't know how long he's going to be gone. I'm…going to leave him a voicemail to let him know that I've got Julie in case he comes back before Abuela is released. I don't want him to worry about Julie."

"Oh, good. Good plan," Lexi said, her tone of voice distracted. I'm pretty sure she hadn't even considered contacting Ranger, focusing solely on Abuela. "See you in a bit."

"Bye."

"Well, Julie. It really is just you and me for probably the next week. Lexi will be working during the daytime. So how about you go easy on me?" I asked her. She just looked at me when I said her name and gave me a drooling smile.

Taking a deep breath, I looked at my phone, shoring up my nerve to call Ranger for the first time in almost a year. Fifteen minutes later I finally felt like I was stable enough that I could leave a message without sounding like an emotional wreck. His phone rang like I knew it would. Finally, the automatic message started. "I'm sorry; the recipient you have called is unable to answer the phone. Please leave a message at the tone." Beep.

"Hey, Ranger. It's…uh, Steph. Abuela was admitted into the hospital today with walking pneumonia. So if you get home in the next week that I've got Julie. Is that weird for you? If it is, sorry, but I promise that I'll take the best possible care of her. So…um…yeah. That's everything. I'll let you know when Abuela's released. Bye." I rested my head in my hands. Even after waiting, trying to calm my nerves, I still sounded like a hot mess. Nothing like an awful voicemail to reassure a parent when you tell them unexpectedly that you will be caring for their kid.

A half hour later, Lexi arrived and started packing up the car with all of Julie's necessities. I had packed more stuff for Julie than I would pack if I planned to invade a third world country. How do babies need so much stuff? Two hours later we were settled in our apartment.

"Want a glass of wine?" Lexi asked me. "I need a glass after today."

"No! I'm responsible for Julie. No alcohol for me." I sat on the floor with Julie as she worked on learning to sit up. I grabbed some of the pillows from the couch, surrounding her in order to provide a soft landing in whatever direction she might topple.

Lexi shook her head at me. "It's not like I was saying, 'Hey! Let's do shots of tequila!'"

"Yeah…I know. I'm probably overreacting. I just want to be…cautious. Careful."

"Steph, look. I know everything between you and my cousin is totally FUBAR, but I know him. You're the only other person besides Abuela he'd trust with Julie. Don't worry, 'kay?"

"'Kay," I replied, watching Julie as she managed to tip over onto her right side.

We didn't speak much for the rest of the night. Lexi sat on the couch, cradling her wine goblet, and staring absently into space. I kept my focus on watching Julie learn how to use her muscles to sit up. She didn't master sitting up, but it would only be a matter of time. I was surprised that she didn't seem to get frustrated. Determined, yes. Discouraged, no. She was most definitely her father's daughter.


	57. Chapter 57

AN: Sorry for the delay in posting this week. I've been busy getting ready for my friend's wedding in Vegas, spending time with family before then, and working on my story for Camp NaNoWriMo. This will be the only chapter in any of my stories posted this week. I didn't have a chance to write an "email" yet. I'll likely write one while I'm sitting in airports, but it will still need to be reviewed by my fabulous beta.

* * *

Chpt. 57

Two weeks later, I was still watching Julie and surprisingly, it didn't bother me. I didn't resent the change in my lifestyle. I didn't miss going to parties or drinking. During one of my midnight-rock-the-baby-back-to-sleep sessions, I realized I was actually happier watching Julie than I was doing my normal college student routine. I had yet to figure out why that was, but I hadn't put much energy into it — mainly due to sleep deprivation. My priorities were Julie, classes, studying, and sleep, in that order.

Abuela was finally released from the hospital yesterday and was staying with Lexi's parents while she continued to recuperate from her walking pneumonia. I was relieved that she'd be healthy again soon, and not because that meant she would start watching Julie full-time again. I needed her to be healthy. She was who I went to in Miami when I needed wisdom bestowed upon me.

The idea of Abuela watching Julie full-time again was one I could truly say didn't thrill me. Crazy, right? I'm only 20, almost 21, and watching a kid full-time is most 20-somethings' worst nightmare. If someone asked me three weeks ago if I would want to take care of Julie on a regular basis or be upset at the idea of giving her back to Abuela, I'd have laughed in their face. Loudly. And probably bent over at the waist from the stitch in my side from howling so hard.

"How long do you think Abuela will stay at your parents'?" I asked Lexi. We were sitting on the couch in the living room partially watching a new TV show, _The O.C._ Mainly, we were just chatting and catching up on each others' lives. Lexi was relaxing with a glass of wine. I admit that made me a little jealous, but I still wasn't comfortable with having a drink while being responsible for Julie. Instead, I indulged in some Butterscotch Krimpetts to help me unwind.

"The doctors said it'll take six to eight weeks for her to fully recover. She's actually really lucky. Pneumonia in the elderly can be deadly," Lexi said.

"I know. I'm glad she's doing better. She scared me."

"I know. I was so scared. I've never lost anyone before. I don't know how you've dealt with everything you have so well."

I snorted. I dealt with losing my parents well? I dealt with killing people well? That was laughable. Okay, Lexi didn't exactly know about that last one. "Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. I was also surrounded with people who loved me. I think…no, I know that my parents' deaths affected Valerie more negatively than me in a lot of ways. Of course my aunt and uncle didn't make her go to therapy like they did me. I think they minimized how much it screwed up Valerie. They probably thought my trauma of being in the car with my parents when they passed away was more scarring than Val's loss.

"And it sounds terrible, but I think that losing my parents wasn't the worst thing, at least not for me. My mom wasn't exactly the warmest, loving, supportive mother when it came to me. She was with Val, but not me. So losing them was terrible and it sucked at the time, but I think it was kind of a blessing for me. If they had lived, I'd probably still be living in Chambersburg, New Jersey, feeling like I didn't belong. Hell, my mom would have probably already had me married off with a bun in the oven by now. I kind of have to wonder what Mom would think of the irony of me temporarily having a kid at such a young age without ever going through the baking process."

"Your mom was really that bad?" Lexi asked me.

"Yeah. I think that's kind of why I identify with Julie to an extent and was maybe twenty-five percent of why I was so angry with Rachel. I know what it's like to be unwanted by a parent. It's possibly one of the worst feelings in the world. If I hadn't gone through so much therapy, I'd probably still think that I don't deserve to be loved. Having a parent like that in your life is toxic. It totally affects how a child perceives themselves. I don't want that for Jules. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy."

"You're making me feel like I won the parent lottery."

"I know you bitch about your dad not paying for your college your freshman year, but honestly, yeah, you kind of did."

"Remind me of this conversation the next time I'm being a spoiled brat. And thanks for not judging me for that. So what's the plan when it comes to Julie?"

"I keep watching her with yours and your mom's help," I replied trying to stretch out the weird kink in my neck that I'd somehow gotten from my midnight wake-up cries and subsequent cuddles with Julie.

"You're okay with that? I mean, it's a huge responsibility. My family and I help, but you're the primary caregiver."

"It's not really that bad. At first I was freaked, but Julie and I are getting a routine. I'm getting to know her better so that makes taking care of her easier."

"Yeah, but it's completely changed your routine. Are you really okay with that? Your social life is Julie and me."

"It sounds strange, but yeah. I am. I'm actually happier with this life than the partying college student lifestyle. I'm not really sure why or what that means though. And I still email or talk with Bryce multiple times a week. So I have some social interactions with someone other than just the two of you…it's just at a distance."

Lexi looked at me thoughtfully for a moment. "Maybe you just matured a lot sooner than most people our age because of everything you've experienced."

I shrugged my shoulders. "I really don't know."

"Well, either way, Julie and my cousin are lucky that you've stepped in to take care of her."

"We'll see if Ranger actually thinks that. He's still out of the country from what my uncle told me yesterday."

"I know you're nervous about how Carlos will feel about you watching Julie, but I swear on my own life: Besides Abuela, you're the only person he'd trust to take care of Julie long-term."

"You say that and he's emailed me, telling me that he is thankful that I'm part of Jules' life, but that doesn't mean he wants me taking care of his daughter for a long period of time."

"Seriously, you're the only person that's worried about that." Lexi rolled her eyes at me.

"The whole situation is just…strange. I mean, I'm watching the child of a man, who I haven't had a _real _conversation with in just over a year. You have to admit that's awkward."

Lexi laughed at me. "Yeah, awkward is putting it mildly, but you always seem to forget or disbelieve that no matter the rift between you two, Carlos still loves and trusts you."

"Hm, maybe."

Lexi sighed and rolled her eyes at me again. "You're being an idiot. Anyway, so what do your aunt and uncle think about you taking care of Julie for such an extended period of time?"

"After they made sure I was okay with taking care of her and that I wasn't overwhelmed by the responsibility of taking care of _Ranger's_ baby, they told me they were proud of me. Aunt Marjie told me that I've grown into the person she knew I was destined to be. Uncle Charlie said he was gratified that I was 'paying it forward'." That phone conversation had been quite unexpected and their support and belief in me buoyed my self-confidence, which I needed. Unexpectedly taking care of and being responsible for a baby is terrifying.

"That's awesome. I'm really glad—"

Julie's cries echoed out of my bedroom, effectively ending our conversation. I trotted back to my bedroom to see Julie sitting up in her pack and play, her cheeks pink from crying. "Hey, my little love bug. How was your nap?" I asked her. Julie's only response was to reach for me while continuing to cry. I felt her forehead and she felt a little warmer than normal. "Oh no. What's wrong?"

I picked Julie up and brought her back into the living room, putting her down on her play mat with her favorite cloth book, _Goodnight Moon_, and stuffed bear dressed in an Army Ranger's uniform. "I think she's running a slight fever," I told Lexi. "Can you look in the diaper bag for baby Tylenol® and that ear thermometer?" Lexi went to grab the bag while I took the time to make more in depth observations.

Drool was practically pouring out of Julie's mouth while she chomped on _Goodnight Moon_. Her chin had a slight rash. I grabbed the baby book that I kept on the end table near my side of the couch and started looking up milestones for a seven month old baby. Teething. She was probably teething. I plopped down on the floor next to my drooling love bug and gently pulled the sopping wet book from her mouth. I felt her lower gum and there it was. I could feel the hard little bump. She was getting her first tooth. Oh thank God it wasn't anything bad! _This was totally normal and expected_. I let out a huge sigh of relief. I wouldn't have to contact Ranger and tell him something was wrong with Julie. Thank heavens. Julie and I would both live to see another day. This parenting thing, especially for a kid that wasn't my own, was terrifying and stressful. And yet I was still happy.


	58. Chapter 58

AN: Hey, everyone! Wedding madness is over. I had a great and exhausting time. I'm home now (Yay! There's nothing like your own bed.), but I haven't written anything in a while. This is the last chapter I have written and edited. Next week's chapter(s) will likely be delayed. I hope you guys understand :)

* * *

Chpt. 58

I looked around my room to make sure I wasn't forgetting to pack any of Julie's things. It was the first Saturday in November, ten weeks after Abuela went to the hospital with walking pneumonia. Ten weeks of caring for Julie full-time. Ten weeks of essentially being a surrogate mom. Ten weeks of surprising happiness.

Today I should be happy. And I was. Sort of. I was thrilled that Abuela was healthy again and that she felt that she was able to take care of Julie. In all honesty, it would simplify my life. It would be far easier to do my classwork and study without having to care for Julie. I say that like it's a chore, but taking care of her wasn't. It was a joy. It was a gift. It changed my perspective on life. Again. So handing off the responsibility of caring for Julie back to Abuela was bittersweet. Maybe it was a little more bitter than sweet because of how attached I'd become to my little love bug.

Mainly, I was just sad. I had come to love those middle of the night, rock-the-baby-back-to-sleep sessions. I still wasn't a fan of changing diapers, but I'd make faces at her while doing that gross chore and she'd mimic them back, making it bearable and pretty funny. And bath time, while a very wet daily occurrence, was fun because Julie loved to splash and play in the water. One night I jokingly told Lexi that I should have called her "my little dolphin" instead of "my little love bug". So giving all of that up was hard and heartbreaking. And for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with Rachel. I wasn't Julie's mother and yet I cried myself to sleep last night because I had to give Julie back to Abuela.

"Hey, Steph! Are you ready?" Lexi yelled from the living room.

"Yeah, I just need to fold up the pack and play," I called back.

Lexi walked into my room with Julie on her hip. "Why don't you leave the pack and play here. Abuela has a crib and if she really needs another pack and play she can buy one. That way you still have it here for when you watch Julie."

"You think Abuela will care if I 'borrow' Julie a lot?" I could only hope.

"I think she'd probably be relieved to get some breaks. It's not that she doesn't love Julie. It's just that watching her is hard considering her age."

"Hm…I hope so."

"Come on, let's take Julie back and then we'll go treat ourselves to some mani-pedis."

"Okay," I sighed.

"It's going to be okay. I promise." Lexi pushed me out of my bedroom and snagged the diaper bag from by my bedroom door. I just sighed and gently pulled Julie out of Lexi's arms for a little extra cuddle before I dropped her off with Abuela.

The car ride was uneventful and far too short. I dragged myself out of the passenger seat of the car so I could gather Julie in my arms and carry her into Abuela's house.

"_¡Hola, mis nietas y bisnieta_!" Abuela greeted us from the door; a huge smile graced her much skinnier-than-normal face. As I walked in the door she pulled Julie from my arms and rained kisses down on her face. "Oh, _¡te extraño, Julie!_" Julie giggled and smiled, snuggling into Abuela's arms. Seeing Julie delighted to be reunited with Abuela made me feel somewhat better. [Hi, my granddaughters and great-granddaughter!…I missed you, Julie!]

"I'm going to go help Lexi bring in all of her stuff," I said making a quick retreat back to the car where Lexi was unloading everything from the trunk of her SUV.

"Let's get all of this stuff into the house so we can go get our mani-pedis," I told Lexi, thinking maybe it would be easier once I didn't actually _see_ Julie. I wasn't very optimistic that out-of-sight-out-of-mind would work in this case, but I was desperate. Lexi looked at me, assessing my emotional state in a couple seconds.

"I really think you're making this out to be way worse than it really is. You'll still get to see her, but you won't have all of that added responsibility. You can go back to putting your studies first. Maybe you'll even get to see Bryce. You could make a long weekend of it. Travel to wherever he is. Fall break is coming up after all," Lexi said.

"Hmm, maybe. I'll have to see where he'll be that week. And Lexi…"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks. I know I'm being stupid right now."

"No, you're not. You're being you. You're doing what we all knew you would. You love Julie like she's your own. Come on; let's carry all this stuff into the house. At least we'll get our apartment back. I can't believe how much _stuff_ that kid has. She's not even one and she has more clothes than I do!"

We hauled a full trunk-load of things into Abuela's house. Julie really did have a lot of clothing. And then there were the toys and random baby items.

"Estefanía, can we talk for a moment?" Abuela asked me.

"Yeah, sure. What's up?"

"I just wanted to thank you for taking such good care of Julie. I know you completely changed your life around for the past couple months and I know that must not have been easy for you. I know my Carlitos isn't here, but I'm going to tell you what I know he'd say. You're the only person that _mi nieto _would have trusted with Julie's daily care in my stead. I can't thank you enough for doing everything you did to care for her. A baby is a huge responsibility and a total lifestyle change for you and you did it without being asked, with grace, and with love. Thank you for caring for Julie like she was _tu nena_." [My grandson…your baby]

"It wasn't a problem or a hardship, Abuela. I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

"You ready to go?" Lexi called out.

"Yeah, let me just say bye to Julie," I yelled back. Turning to Abuela, I asked, "Do you mind?"

"Not at all," Abuela said, giving me a kiss on the cheek.

I went over and lay down near where Julie was rolling on the floor. It was her most recent developmental milestone. "Hey, my little love bug. Lexi and I are going to take off, but I'm going to see you again really soon. Okay? Maybe I'll visit tomorrow. Now you have to promise to be good for Abuela. She's still a little tired and you've become quite the roller. So let her catch up to you, okay?" I got a drooling grin in return. "Can you say bye-bye?"

"Buh-buh," Julie gurgled, flinging her arm around in her version of a wave good-bye.

"That's right! Bye-bye! I love you and I'll see you soon," I said, kissing the top of her head before I made a quick retreat. Lexi and I both hugged Abuela good-bye. As Lexi was yanking me out of the house, likely because she knew I was seconds away from bursting into tears, I said to Abuela, "Do you mind if I visit her this week?"

"Of course not! You can see her anytime you want. Just call to make sure we're here before you head over."

"Okay, thanks. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow," I said.

"Come on, Steph! We have to be to the nail salon in fifteen minutes. I made appointments for us yesterday," Lexi told me.

Just another reason why Lexi was such a wonderful friend. She knew I'd be a mess and she already made plans for distraction and pampering well in advance. "You know, you're kind of awesome," I told Lexi.

"About time you recognized!" she laughed at me.

"I'm a little slow on the uptake. Give me some credit. I've been sleep deprived for the last two and a half months."

"I know. And you still look freaking awesome. It's not fair."

"That's only because the hat is covering the horror that is my hair."

"We all have our crosses to bear. Yours just happens to be some high-maintenance hair. Now, let's go get pampered. My nails look awful."

"They look better than mine. All that post-diaper change hand washing killed my hands and I haven't done my nails since before Julie."

"I know. You totally lost yourself in mommy-hood. Actually your hair looks like it needs a serious deep conditioning and a trim, too. Geez, you really did act the new mommy part, totally forgetting to take care of yourself. You really do need some pampering."

"Gee, thanks. Way to make me feel better, Lex."

"I do what I can. What my words don't say, my calling and making pampering appointments more than makes up for it. I also booked you a massage with Rudolfo. You can thank me later."

And thank her I did. Mani-pedis and massages could sooth most ailments, broken hearts included.


	59. Chapter 59

AN: Hope you all have a great week! I'll post the "Without You..." email later in the week.

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Chpt. 59

Unfortunately, Abuela went back into the hospital at the beginning of December with pneumonia again. This time the doctors did more testing, looking for the root cause of her repeated bouts of pneumonia, and found that she had an artery that was 99% blocked and numerous others that were more than 75% blocked, causing congestive heart failure. She had to get six stents and go through cardiac rehabilitation.

That meant that I was Julie's primary caregiver again, a responsibility I was more than happy to take on . What I was not thrilled with, was Abuela's hospitalization and subsequent move to a rehabilitation facility. Pneumonia was bad, but congestive heart failure was terrifying. While it was miraculous that they found the blockages and were able to put in stents before she had a heart attack, she was still at risk for a heart attack or a stroke.

Ranger still hadn't returned from his mission, though Uncle Charlie let me know the guys were still making their check-ins. Ranger had no idea that he could easily lose Abuela at any moment nor that I was caring for his daughter. And for some unexplainable reason, I was actually concerned for Ranger because I knew how important Abuela was to him. I didn't think having a pen pal-ship would make me _that_ distressed over him and his feelings? . When I mentioned it to Lexi she just told me I was an idiot and walked away muttering something in Spanish to the effect of "only idiots who don't know their own heart". I swear on my Grandma Mazur's grave that I'm no longer in-love with Carlos. His quickie marriage to Rachel blew it up like Chernobyl.

That brings us up to now, two weeks before Christmas. I typically go back to my aunt and uncle's for Christmas, but since I had Julie, I wasn't comfortable just taking off. With my shitty luck I'd be arrested for child abduction. So I was heading to the rehab facility with Julie on my hip so I could talk to Abuela. I was pretty hopeful that she'd let me take Julie to Georgia, but I wanted to check, and maybe get some sort of legal documentation showing I wasn't a baby-napper.

"You ready to see Abuela?" I asked Julie, who was currently tugging hard on one of my curls. I grimaced in pain. She was strong. And that was the reason why I no longer wore dangly earrings. She'd probably tug hard and rip my earlobe.

Julie babbled, "Ab-a, ab-a, ab-a." I liked to think she was trying to say Abuela, but I wasn't certain. She was only about ten months old.

I knocked on the door to the room Abuela shared with an eighty-something year old woman who liked to yell obscenities at all the politicians on the TV. She didn't care about their political affiliation. According to Dori, all politicians are megalomaniacal crooks. Personally, I thought she was exaggerating a little bit. Crooks? Definitely. Megalomaniacs? Most of them, no. Questionable morals? Most certainly. Why else would they think training me while I was still in high school and sending me to Spain was not morally reprehensible? But I wasn't about to tell Dori any of that.

"Come in!" yelled Dori. Abuela still didn't have the energy to yell.

"Hey," I greeted them as I walked in the door. "I brought you a visitor." Julie, being the awesome, loving baby that she is, immediately started reaching for Abuela.

"Ab-a. Ab-a." Okay, now I was almost certain that Julie was actually communicating.

Abuela reached for her. She still looked exhausted, but her skin was no longer grey-tinged and her lips blue. Ignoring the bags under her eyes, this was the healthiest I had seen her since the summer. "How's my Julie?" Abuela asked.

"She's doing pretty well," I replied. "I actually think 'Ab-a' is her first word. I think she's trying to say 'Abuela'."

Abuela's eyes started to sparkle and her smile grew. "Well then! _Eres mi bisnieta favorita._" [Your my favorite great-granddaughter.]

I laughed. "She's your only great-grandchild."

"She doesn't know that," Abuela said, kissing the top of Julie's head. "So what do I owe the pleasure of this visit? It's only Tuesday. You normally visit on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays."

"Well, I was hoping you'd give me permission." I was nervous. She could easily tell me that Julie had to stay in Miami and I'd have to abide by her wishes.

"About?" Abuela asked.

"You goddamned crooks! Y'all stole my money while giving yourself raises! You didn't even convict the majority of those men involved in Enron! You let them have their big bonuses…." Dori continued yelling at the TV, raising her fist and shaking it.

I turned and looked at Abuela, silently raising my eyebrows. She just shook her head in response as if to say, "Don't ask."

"Well…I was wondering if I could take Julie to Georgia with me for Christmas. I know you normally have her and I know Mrs. Santos is signing you out to spend Christmas with them, but I was hoping to visit my family. I haven't seen them at all except for a quick visit in the summer."

Abuela smiled at me. "I think that's a good idea actually. I was hoping to talk to you about caring for Julie."

"So I can take her with me when I visit my aunt and uncle?" I wanted to double check.

"Yes, you can. When Carlos was last here, he and I had a conversation about custody of Julie in case something should happen to me. I know he wanted to talk to you himself, but he didn't have the chance."

"Um…why would he want to talk to me about Julie?"

"We talked about the fact that I'm getting older. It was a lot easier for me to keep up with a teenager when I was in my sixties than it is for me to keep up with an infant in my seventies. We figured we'd have another couple years before we'd need to make anything official, but if the last few months have shown me anything, it's that my time on Earth might be more limited than I thought."

I felt tears spring to my eyes. She was not saying what I thought she was saying. "You're not going to die any time soon. Don't say that!"

"Estefanía, we all need to be realistic. We started the process to get the paperwork in order, just in case, but like I said, Carlos wanted to talk to you first. That's why I haven't said anything until now, but here I am — in rehab. I don't think we can wait any longer. We were hoping that in case something happened to me, and I could no longer care for Julie, that you'd be her legal guardian."

I stared at her, my mouth hanging open. "Uh…." I never claimed I was eloquent.

"I know it's a lot to take in. And while it wouldn't necessarily be any different from what you're doing now, there's no break to look forward to. You'd no longer be a normal college student. The responsibility of Julie would fall entirely on you.

"We'd have to change things around with how money is handled. Right now Carlos and I just share a bank account that I use for Julie. We'd probably need to set something up with specified monthly payments. I should talk to my family law attorney to see what we can do immediately."

I stared at Abuela blankly for a few moments after she finished speaking. It was like my dream and nightmare rolled into one. I loved Julie and hated giving her back, but caring for her meant that I was, in a sense, legally tied to Ranger. I liked having the choice to say to Ranger, "Ef off, I never want to talk to you again!" That wouldn't be an option if I did this — at least not if I wanted to be a mature adult. Where was a Butterscotch Krimpett when a girl needed one? I looked at Julie, who was currently giving sloppy, mushy kisses to Abuela. Julie was worth it. I'd deal with _having to talk_ to Ranger on a normal basis.

"Okay," I said, taking a deep breath. "I'll do it."

Abuela smiled and appeared to relax. "¡_Marvilloso_! I'll call my lawyer and have him make up the temporary guardianship papers. He shouldn't have a problem getting them done before you go see your family. [Wonderful!]

"And Estefania, _muchas gracias_. _No suficiente puedo agradecirte. _You've taken a weight off my shoulders. I wasn't convinced you'd say yes. You've been so concerned that Carlos wouldn't want you caring for Julie. I wasn't sure you'd believe me. This really should have come from him." […thank you so much. I can't thank you enough.]

I hadn't realized she was worried that I'd say no.

"Yes, he should have spoken with me before, but I can't say I made approaching me all that easy. And Julie…well, I'd do anything for her."

"_Lo sabemos._ That's the reason why we both feel like you're the best choice to care for her. I know some family members might not understand, especially considering that you're still in school, but you have the heart needed to raise her. Carlos agreed with me on that. He also said you have the training to care for her in case something goes terribly wrong. I'm not sure exactly what he meant by that and I've tried not to think about _that_ too much." [We know.]

I took a deep breath. I was almost officially a stand-in parent. And surprisingly, I wasn't scared.

"Now that we have that serious business behind us, let me have some quality time with my _bisnieta_ before I call my lawyer." [great-granddaughter]

I laughed. She might have had one hell of a health scare, but Abuela still had her interminable spirit. "Okay. I'm going to head down to the cafeteria. Can I get you anything?"

"No, I'll be just fine," she said shooing me out of the room.

I walked down the hallway, making a mental list of everything I needed to do. First thing I needed to do: call my apartment complex. We needed a third bedroom.


	60. Chapter 60

AN: The weather is ugly today meaning my mood is pretty blah. So I decided to post this in the hopes that your reviews will give me a bit of a pick-me-up. Have a rest of your weekend everyone.

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Chpt. 60

Julie was a surprisingly good traveler. She slept through a good portion of the trip to my aunt and uncle's home in Georgia yesterday. Unfortunately, that meant that she refused to sleep until 0200 this morning. I decided staying up late with her was preferable to her screaming and crying during the drive.

Due to Abuela's health, the fact that she's still in the rehab center, and that Ranger had already started the paperwork before he returned to base and was currently out of the country, the judge awarded me temporary guardianship. I wasn't entirely sure he would award it to me considering I'm not Julie's mother and I just turned twenty-one. I figured my age would definitely be held against me. I had quite a bit of testimonials from Ranger's family in my favor, which I think swayed the judge.

I was still in bed, tired from yesterday's long drive and lack of sleep. I heard rustling and turned my head, looking at the Pack and Play. Julie was beginning to wake up, right on time. 0700. She sat there, rubbing her eyes with her fists and yawning. I caught a glimpse of her four adorable, little baby teeth. She was positively adorable, even when she was keeping me from sleep. Julie realized I was awake and stood up, holding onto the pack and play wall with one hand and reaching to me with the other. Standing while holding onto something was Julie's newest milestone. I rolled out of bed and picked her up, collapsing back on my bed. I was hopeful I could get another hour of sleep if I cuddled with her in bed. Today I was not so lucky. Julie was wide awake and hungry.

"Bah bah," she told me, her little hands mashing my face.

"You're killing me, love bug," I groaned. "All right, let's go feed you after I change your diaper. Maybe you'll be nice to me and take a long nap." I yawned as I stood up and grabbed my sweatshirt from the end of my bed.

I quickly changed her diaper while she continued to chatter. "Bah bah bah bah!"

I carried her down the stairs and into the kitchen where my aunt and uncle were sitting at the table, eating their breakfasts and drinking heavenly smelling coffee. I silently handed Julie to my uncle, mainly to be a pain in the ass since he wasn't particularly fond of babies and so I could warm up her bottle. I threw the bottle in the electric bottle warmer and started making her hot rice cereal with condensed milk, just like Abuela used to make for her. I gave the bottle to my uncle to feed her while I finished with her hot cereal. My aunt, bless her, handed me a large mug of coffee for me to drink while stirring the gross looking breakfast concoction that Julie loved. When it was done, I put it in a bowl and handed that and a baby spoon to Marjie.

"Would you be willing to feed her while I make some breakfast for myself?" I asked Marjie.

"Of course," she said with a huge smile. Marjie loved babies and kids. If my uncle hadn't been so opposed to having children, I often wondered if they would have had kids.

Marjie fed Julie while I toasted my bagel and drank another large mugful of coffee. Once I sat down though, my aunt decided it was time to have a serious discussion.

"How are you handling having Julie full-time?" Aunt Marjie asked me.

"I'm fine. Why do you ask?" I replied.

"While I was all for you helping out Abuela and Ranger with Julie before…well, that was supposed to only be a temporary arrangement. From the sound of everything you've told me and from my call with Abuela, this sounds like it's going to be a permanent arrangement. Are you really okay with that?"

My uncle sat there, silent but observant. Likely, he was waiting to speak until he heard my answers.

"I really am fine with this. I love Julie."

"Steph, this isn't about loving or not loving Julie. We know you do. You've talked about her in every single one of our phone calls since you met her. This is about the fact that a lot of responsibility is being placed on you at a very young age. You already grew up way too quickly. I don't want you to lose any more of your youth than you already have."

I had to stifle a laugh at the irony. Oh, if she only knew that I hadn't been a kid for the last six or so years. I did appreciate the concern though. "Really, I'm good with this decision. I _hated_ giving Julie back to Abuela last time. It might sound weird, but I'm happier taking care of Julie than I am going to parties with other college kids. I could have turned Abuela down if I wanted, but I didn't."

"Do you have all the support you need down there?" Uncle Charlie asked, deciding to actively participate in the conversation.

"Lexi and her mom watch Julie when I'm in class. And since Lexi and I share an apartment she is there to help out."

"You know if you need anything, we'd be down there in a heartbeat to help you, right?" my aunt asked.

I had to smile at that. She had an infinite capacity to love and it looked like she was going to bestow that on Julie now, too. "I do. Your support of me means a lot to me and I know that if I needed you, you'd be in Miami in a flash."

"Good. Now, why don't you go get another hour or two of sleep. Charlie and I can watch this little one."

"You sure?" I asked.

"Go get some sleep, Steph," Uncle Charlie said.

I raised an eyebrow. He actually wanted to watch Julie. Hell must have frozen over. I decided I needed to go get a couple hours of sleep before it started to thaw.

After napping for a couple of hours, I woke up refreshed and alert; something that hadn't happened since before finals. I yawned, stretched, and headed towards the bathroom to get ready for the day, figuring I might as well take advantage of my aunt and uncle's willingness to watch Julie while I could. I took an extra-long shower and put on makeup for the first time in weeks. Looking in the mirror, I felt good about myself.

I headed down the steps hearing Julie while she banged on her light-up musical toy. The scene I viewed from the steps shocked me. Uncle Charlie was laying on his stomach on the carpet, his chin resting on his hands while he watched Julie play.

"Looks like you're having fun," I said, smiling. "Thank you for letting me catch some more zzz's. It really helped."

"No problem," Uncle Charlie said. He didn't look up at me when he responded. His eyes were glued to my charge, seemingly fascinated. It was obvious he had no desire to have an actual conversation with me so I headed to the kitchen, where I figured my aunt would be.

"Hey," I said. Aunt Marjie looked up from the food processor that she was using to chop nuts, likely for her Christmas nut rolls. She gave me a smile.

"How was your nap?" she asked.

"Just what I needed."

"I'm glad. You looked exhausted. I'm assuming you didn't sleep much because of your finals and watching Julie?"

"Yeah. Babies don't care about pesky things like final exams and term papers."

Aunt Marjie laughed at me. "No, they certainly don't."

"Has Uncle Charlie been watching Julie this entire time?"

"Yep."

I raised my eyebrows. "But he hates babies."

"He hates _most_ babies. Apparently, Julie is one of the exceptions. He loved you as a baby. He wasn't so fond of Valerie. If I remember correctly, Angie has the same temperament that Val did."

I couldn't hold in my laugh. "I guess he knows who he'll continue to like even when they're that young. Has Angie grown on him yet?"

"I think he's more tolerant of Angie and Val now that they've moved into their own apartment. Since they normally leave by seven o'clock, I think it's easier to tolerate Angie's crying and Valerie being…well, herself." She poured the egg whites into the stand mixer to beat and then pulled out the flour.

"Valerie is a lot more tolerable from a distance. It might be because she has less of an opportunity to be condescending and snobby."

"Mmm," my aunt said, somewhat distracted as she measured out the flour to make the dough.

"I'll let you be. Have fun baking."

"Oh! Thank you. We'll chat more later?"

"Yeah," I smiled and headed back into the living room to chat with my uncle. He looked up when I walked into the room this time. I asked, "Have you had fun playing with Julie?"

"I have," he smiled. "She's such a calm baby."

"She is. I was kind of wondering something…." I looked down at my feet, avoiding his gaze.

"What's that?" Uncle Charlie pulled himself into a sitting position on the floor, rather than remain lying down.

"I know I shouldn't ask, but I was hoping you'd tell me if you thought Ranger would return from his mission soon." Uncle Charlie told me more than I knew he should. I'm sure he broke some sort of protocol every time he told me that the guys checked in when they were out on a mission. I stopped myself from asking anything more about their mission. I wanted to know what they were doing and how dangerous it was and whether or not he thought Ranger would come home. Mainly, I cared because Julie needed one parent in her life. Though a part of me wanted to know because a small part of me still cared, regardless of all the times I cursed him and wished he'd get some nasty STD that would cause his balls to shrivel up and fall off. I _might_ have been a little vindictive and angry when everything happened.

He sighed. I could see the internal war he had about if and what he should tell me. After a few long moments, his face calmed and he met my eyes. "They're okay. They're no longer on their mission and they're all fine. They're just getting treated for a variety of minor things that were expected considering the mission locale. They're currently quarantined because even though they got their inoculations, they could still be carriers."

"Do you think he'll be back for Christmas?" I didn't really want to spend Christmas with Ranger, but I wanted him here for Julie's first Christmas. She wouldn't know or understand the significance until she was much older, but for his sake I hoped he'd be here.

"I'm not sure. I'm not a doctor. I'm not sure how long he has to be in quarantine. I know that ever since I told him that you and Julie would be here for the holidays, he's itching to get back. I think he's driving people insane."

I choked on my laugh. "I feel bad for those poor doctors and nurses. He's got too much energy to just lie around. Would you mind watching Julie a little longer? I need to run to the mall so I can get him a gift from Julie."

"Of course. Julie and I are buds now. Right, my little jewel?"

I shook my head, silently laughing at my uncle.

While at the mall I picked up a couple of sappy picture frames, one that said, "Baby's First Christmas" and another that said, "Daddy's Girl," along with one of those hand and footprint kits. If I did the hand and footprint kit today, it would be dry in time to give it to Ranger for Christmas. I also managed to print out an adorable picture of Julie to place in the Daddy's Girl frame. I'd wait to take a picture of Julie and Ranger together for the "Baby's First Christmas" one. I just hoped that Julie and Ranger would get to see each other for the holiday.


	61. Chapter 61

AN: This is the only installment of all the TLR related stories this week. Sorry about that. My daily/weekly schedule has changed a bit and I need to find a new balance so I can get back to writing. Hope you all have a great week!

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Chpt. 61

It was Christmas Eve and I was sitting on the floor, playing with Julie in an attempt to forget about my nerves. Ranger and the guys were returning to base today. I knew that the first thing he would do once he got back would be to come and see Julie. We hadn't been in the same room for any serious length of time for a long time; since before his marriage to Rachel. And even though we had emailed some, the idea of holding an actual conversation with him seemed daunting. Unfortunately for me, Julie was getting sleepy and somewhat crabby. That meant it was time for her nap and my distraction would no longer be around.

"Are you ready to go take a nap, love bug?" I asked her, picking her up and starting for the stairs.

"Na, na, na!" Julie gurgled.

"That's right! Nap!" Julie was recognizing words and had been attempting to say them. Halfway up the stairs she yawned and rubbed her eyes with her fists. Placing her in the pack and play, she settled immediately, falling asleep in minutes. I headed back downstairs so as not to disturb her.

I found Aunt Marjie pulling out a sheet of snowball cookies from the oven. I stole a cookie from the tray and took a bite, burning my mouth, but not caring. It tasted so good.

"Are Valerie and Angie coming over tonight?" I asked.

"No. Val is actually taking Angie to visit Steve's family tonight."

I raised my eyebrows. "Really? I didn't think she'd have anything to do with them after he abandoned her while she was pregnant."

"Well, Steve's family isn't exactly happy with him at the moment. Nobody knows where he is. They've been helping Valerie with expenses, I think as a means to make up for the fact that their son is an irresponsible ass who isn't paying child support."

"I don't have any concrete plans, but I think Ranger will be here at some point to see Julie. He and the guys are supposed to return today. I just don't know when."

"Well, he's always welcome in this house, especially if he is here to see his daughter."

"You might get sick of seeing him, and me for that matter. I'm going to try to visit one weekend every month so that he can see Julie more often."

My aunt looked at me with appraising eyes. "You're already thinking like a parent and putting Julie's needs before your own. I'm really proud of you."

I felt my face flush with embarrassment. I still had yet to learn how to take praise well. "Um, thanks. I'm going to go read," I said as I stole another cookie and fled the kitchen. I grabbed _The Da Vinci Code _and plopped down on the couch, determined to lose myself in Dan Brown's latest mystery.

Two hours later, the knocking on the front door woke me from my unintentional nap. Opening the door, I saw Ranger. At least my nap kept me from obsessing about seeing him again.

"Babe," Ranger greeted me.

"Ranger, come on in," I said with a half-sincere smile. The other half of me wanted to run and hide. "Julie is still napping. Can I get you something to eat or drink?"

"Water would be great."

"Um, why don't you sit down and get comfortable," I suggested before I fled to the kitchen to get him a glass of water and force myself to calm down. I emerged from the kitchen a couple minutes later, calm and collected. I handed Ranger his glass of water with a genuine smile.

"Thanks," he said while I sat down in the arm chair, across from him. "How have you been?"

"Um, okay. Busy, you know? I finished my finals on December 15th. Since then, life has calmed down some. I played with Julie a lot and took her to see Abuela every day." I stopped myself from my nervous rambling. Him watching me broke the sense of calm I had found just moments earlier. "Um, what about you?"

"I'm doing okay, I guess. Just got back today. Being quarantined sucked, but Tank's immunization apparently didn't take so they wanted all of us to stay to make sure we didn't get sick, too."

"Is Tank doing better now?" I asked, genuinely worried.

"Yeah, he's out of the woods." There was a painfully long pause in our conversation while we both tried to figure out how to discuss the difficult topics that needed to be addressed.

I decided to bring up the topic of Julie's guardianship because the polite chitchat couldn't diminish the suffocating tension in the room. Maybe if we got everything out in the open, we'd be more comfortable with each other. "So…why did you decide you wanted me as Julie's legal guardian if something happened to Abuela? I know you said in your last email that you think I'm strong and that you want that as a role model for Julie…but really. Me?"

"Yeah, I guess that was probably a shock to you. I actually have a lot of reasons why I wanted you to care for Julie in case something happened to Abuela or me. My family, my parents and I, we're still not on speaking terms. I'm not even sure they know I have a daughter. That's kind of sad, but I think it's probably better that they're not in Julie's or my life. My parents aren't exactly the most accepting of people. Everything is very black and white. You're either right or you're wrong. There's no in between. If Julie is anything like me, I don't want her to be exposed to that. I was constantly wrong and in trouble with my parents. An _A-_ wasn't good enough. I should have received an _A_ and I would end up grounded until I got my next report card. I'd make my bed, but my corners weren't exact so I would have to remake my bed and everyone else's in the house also until I got it right or I'd be grounded. We went to church every Sunday and Wednesday for mass and then PSR class on Monday nights. I never believed in everything. My father told me if I didn't believe everything the priest said, I'd go to Hell. That's probably why I was less squeamish about killing people in Uncle Sam's name. I'd already accepted I was going to Hell years before. So by the time I became a teenager, I figured my parents wouldn't be happy with anything I did. Why even try to behave? I'd be punished regardless.

"You're the farthest thing from that. I want Julie to be loved and accepted for who she is. I don't want her to think that she's going to Hell just because she thinks for herself and doesn't blindly follow a religious leader.

"You know what it's like to be raised by people who aren't your parents; who took you in out of the goodness of their hearts. You know that no matter how much they love you and accept you for who you are, it's still difficult. You'd understand Julie's point of view better than probably anyone else.

"Abuela was my saving grace. I really don't know where I'd be without her. That's a lie. I'd probably be dead or in jail. So for selfish reasons and because I know that she can work miracles, I wanted her to take care of Julie for as long as possible. She's so strong and loving. I want Julie to have that in her life. I don't want her to turn out like my parents. You are the strongest, most loving woman I know. You're young and in college. And I shouldn't ask you to raise my daughter for me. You have your whole life ahead of you, but I want what's best for my daughter. I can't raise her due to my missions, and frankly I'm probably _not_ what's best for her. _You are_.I want Julie to follow in your footsteps. I want her to know that she can survive anything and still thrive. I want her to know that bad things might happen to her, but that doesn't give her an excuse to turn into a bad, cynical person. You're proof it is possible to come out of horrible circumstances a better person. I want that for her.

"I also need to know that she's protected. Our missions…they're getting more dangerous and we're dealing with some of the most evil people in the world. If they discover our identities and realize they can hurt us by attacking our loved ones…. You'd protect her. You have more training than the majority of people in the Army. As she gets older you could teach her self-defense, how to handle a gun, and how to be aware of her surroundings. There's nobody I trust more in the world with Julie's wellbeing than you. I know it might seem like caring for Julie puts you at risk, but you'd already be at risk. If those people discovered who I was, they'd know they could get to me by hurting you as well.

"And beyond all of that…I still love you. I know you don't feel the same and I accept that — for now. But when you love people, you want them together. You are the two people that mean the most to me. So those are all of the reasons why I want you to be Julie's legal guardian."

I sat there stunned. We had been friends for years and I never knew that about his family. Ranger—er Carlos, made so much more sense now. Without manipulation or coercion, I felt worse about my behavior towards him. He made a mistake — a horrible, damaging, heart-breaking decision. But we all make mistakes and we all deserve forgiveness. I didn't want to be like his parents, who seem to have written off anyone who didn't follow their prescribed path. And I didn't want to act that way in front of Julie. I didn't want her to think that I'd give up on her if she didn't do things exactly as I wanted. I needed to make more of an effort to be friends with Ranger, for everyone involved.

I took a deep breath and collected my thoughts before I spoke. "I will take care of and protect Julie with my life. I'm honored that you trust me with her. I know this is awkward between us. I'm going to work on that. I don't want either of us to be uncomfortable with each other. Julie will pick up on that. Besides that…well, we'll always be in each other's' lives as long as Julie is around. And…all mistakes are forgivable. I forgive you. I have to work on trusting you though."

"I understand—" Ranger was cut off by Julie's cries. She must have just woken up.

"Sounds like Sleeping Beauty woke up. Do you want to see her?" I asked. Ranger's face lit up and he was on his feet before I even got up. "She's in my room. Why don't you lead the way?"

Ranger dashed up the stairs to see his daughter. I followed at a regular pace, still contemplating everything he told me. I made it to my bedroom and stood in the doorway, watching the reunion between father and daughter. Ranger, often so devoid of emotions, was smiling, his eyes bright and focused on Julie. She was gurgling away and cuddling into his neck, a smile gracing her face as well. I felt my eyes tear up a little to see the love between them and to realize yet again that I'd never had that with my own father. I'd do everything in my power to make sure that they had more time together. I didn't want Julie to miss out on the special father-daughter bond because it was irreplaceable. Ranger started asking Julie questions, which she attempted to answer in baby babbling. I left the doorway to my room, not wanting to intrude on their limited time together. The image of complete adoration on both of their faces stayed with me for the rest of the night.


	62. Chapter 62

AN: Happy Monday everyone! Here's your chapter for the week. Enjoy :D

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Chpt. 62

Ranger spent Christmas Eve with my aunt, uncle, Julie, and me, until my Aunt Marjie and Uncle Charlie went next door for their annual Christmas Eve cocktail hour. The day was surprisingly pleasant. I had expected it to be awkward, but Ranger's confession about his childhood and my decision to forgive eased the tension that had existed between us since Ranger broke both our hearts. The fact that we were both so focused on Julie probably also helped distract us from the elephant in the room that was our failed, didn't-even-make-it-off-the-ground relationship.

Ranger watched as Julie crawled around the living room and played. "She's grown and learned so much since I saw her last," he said.

"Yeah, I imagine she has learned a significant amount since you saw her last. I guess I'm used to it to an extent, but even I notice how much she learned or grew each month. It's staggering," I replied.

"I hate that I miss out on so much with her." He gave me a sad smile. "But I'm grateful at the same time. She has you and I think you're better for her than I am."

"Don't say that. Little girls need their fathers in their lives just as much as they need their mothers or surrogate mothers. I guess that's what I am…I never really defined my role in her life." I looked away from his eyes, lost in thought for a moment. I had essentially become Julie's _surrogate mother_. Did that freak me out? It took a moment for me to realize it didn't. In a way I felt a sense of relief.

I'd never wanted to have kids. It was like the part of my soul that wanted kids was missing when I was born. I never played house or dressed up dolls and called them my babies. I had never wanted that. Or maybe my own mother managed to kill the part of me that would have wanted a child. I wasn't entirely sure, but I realized it didn't matter. I got to love and be loved by Julie, _my child_. And I wouldn't change that for all of the money in the world.

"It should have been you. I guess circumstances or Fate sort of resolved half of what I screwed up. For all intents and purposes _you are her mother_. Are you sure you're okay with that? I know this was kind of thrust on you."

"I am. I know that's strange considering I never wanted kids before, but I wouldn't change having her in my life."

"You have no idea how relieved that makes me. I know I messed up things with us. I wish I had handled the situation differently. I'm never going to say I regret that night with Rachel because I don't want Julie to ever think I regret her. I just wish I didn't react so rashly, that I had talked to you. If I had…maybe you'd still love me like I love you." Ranger spoke quietly and averted his eyes from mine, watching a very tired Julie play instead.

At those last words, my eyes started to tear and I felt a lump form in my throat. I didn't know what to say. We sat in silence for a few minutes, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I looked up to see him watching me with sad eyes. Those eyes spoke silently of the pain he experienced due to the destruction of our friendship and the possibility of _us._ After a few minutes of silence in which I once again collected my thoughts and feelings, I finally spoke. "It's not that I _don't_ love you. I think part of me always will. We weren't together per se, but I was in love with you. Mat was my first love, but it was different from what I felt for you —less mature, weaker. Looking back, I understand why Mat and I didn't last. But I thought…I guess I thought you were _it_. I felt that together we could take on the world.

"I've never been the girl to plan her dream wedding. I didn't for us, but I thought we'd get married. I thought we'd always be together. Looking back on that, I realize now how naïve I was. I guess I was dreaming. For me to think or feel that way before we'd even dated is ridiculous. I mean really, how could I think that we'd marry and survive when we'd never faced anything as a couple? But that's what I thought and felt. And then you stood me up and came to my home with _your wife_. I think whatever trusting part of me that still existed despite everything died that day. I wish I didn't have to experience that, but I'm also grateful. I've realized I can survive anything — death of loved ones, breaking my own morals, and now heartache — true heartache. I'm stronger for it."

"Babe," Ranger's voice was a raspy with emotion, "your feelings, your dreams of us weren't ridiculous. I had always assumed we'd end up together, too. And you're wrong, you know. We did face hardships together as a couple — unofficially speaking. I was here for the aftermath of Spain and Mat. I really thought that if we could survive Spain, that we could survive anything thrown our way. I was just passing time until I thought we'd be ready. I acted like a creep in so many ways while I was waiting — and I regret it, more than you could ever know. Even though we were never officially a couple, don't discount what we were; what you still are to me."

"To think that you and I could ever be a _we_ is naïve."

"No, it's optimistic."

"Call me cynical these days. I'm not sure relationships, _true relationships_, ever last. The majority of them seem to lead to heartache. I think maybe you had it right in a way. No strings attached sex isn't a bad thing, but drunken hookups are."

And that reminded me that I hadn't had sex in quite a few months. Taking care of Julie had been my priority. My sex life had not. Bryce and I had talked and emailed, but our schedules conflicted. Plus, there was the fact that I was currently sharing my bedroom in my apartment with Julie. There was no way Bryce and I could play together with her in the room. So the possibility of fun was nil until after the new year, when we moved into our new, three-bedroom apartment.

"Your aunt and uncle are an example of loving, healthy couples," Ranger replied.

"Yeah, but they separated like three times before they got custody of Val and me. I'm pretty sure his deployments were the primary cause of their problems, but I heard gossip about some other stuff, too. I don't know if it's true or not, so I won't repeat it."

I distinctly remember my mother telling my father at dinner that my aunt and uncle had separated because Uncle Charlie had cheated on her. Of course, coming out of my mother's mouth, I felt the chance my uncle had actually cheated on her was fifty-fifty. Military life destroyed numerous marriages. The fact that my aunt and uncle had worked through their problems was a testament to their inner strength as individuals and devotion to each other.

"And they're still together and love each other. They obviously worked out their issues. But I agree that relationships with members of the military are very difficult, but I think you and I could deal with anything."

"I'd have to trust you and like I said earlier, I don't trust you. I forgive you, but I don't trust you."

"And I'm going to earn it back."

"How about we work on being _friends_." And I'll keep my friends-with-benefits arrangement with Bryce.

Ranger got off the floor and came and sat by me on the couch so that he could look into my eyes. "For now, that will suffice, but you need to accept that we _will be _a couple in the future. I know I need to prove myself to you. I know you need to learn to trust me again and I realize that's going to take time. I'm a patient man, Babe and I will get you back."

"You never had me."

"Not the way we both wanted or deserved."

"And whose fault is that?" I was on the defense and becoming salty as a result.

"I've already admitted my guilt and I'll spend the rest of my life doing any and everything I can to make it up to you."

"I don't think you can."

"Babe."

"'Babe' is not a sentence."

"Babe, you know what I do for a living. I'm a hunter and you, my sweet, defiant, sexy Babe, are my prey."

Internally, I was screaming, _"Abort! Abort!" _Instead I tried to use bravado to bluster my way out of this. "I'm pretty confident I'll be your most difficult adversary."

"Why do you say that?" His eyes were calculating. I imagined the cogs turning in his head as he made a plan of attack.

"Because I know you and you no longer have the advantage of surprising me. Plus, I'm a better shot than you."

"But I'm a better strategist. And I don't want you to surprise you. I want you to know that my ultimate goal is to have a life with you and Julie. Everything I do will be to rebuild the foundation of our friendship and later, a _real relationship_, one in which we will work through all of our issues. We won't separate. We might argue and disagree, but we will always support each other. You and I will be able to take on the world."

"You're delusional. The most we will ever be is friends and co-parents."

"Babe, someday you will accept that I will be in your life. And one day I will make it legal and permanent. And on that note, I'm going to put Julie to bed and head out. I'll see you two in the morning. Call me before you open presents?"

"Sure about calling and you've lost your mind if you actually think we'll ever get married."

"No, I've just found it again." He picked up Julie who had fallen asleep during our conversation and carried her up to my room. I sat on the couch in stunned silence. He was serious. He came back down the stairs, kissed my forehead and walked out the front door, shutting it silently behind him.

An hour or so after Ranger left Aunt Marjie and Uncle Charlie returned from the Mihalcic party next door. My uncle was snookered and stumbled his way up to bed, but my aunt was sober. She likely didn't even finish her sweet wine. She wasn't much of a drinker.

"Did Ranger leave already?" she asked me plopping down on the couch and kicking off her heels. She let out a sigh of relief as she pointed and flexed her toes, happy to no longer be encumbered in what she called women's fashionable torture devices.

"Yeah, he took off after Julie fell asleep," I said.

"Oh, that's too bad. I enjoyed having him around today. Will he be back tomorrow to open presents with Julie?"

"Yep. I think only the apocalypse could keep him away from spending Christmas morning with her."

"I'm sure. I think spending Christmas morning with one's kids is what makes the holiday stress worthwhile. So how was spending the day with him?"

"Fine."

Aunt Marjie shot me a skeptical look. "That's a pretty bland word and there's no way that your evening with him was that boring considering the looks you were shooting each other all day."

"What looks?"

"The unrequited, tortured lover looks."

"We weren't shooting each other whatever type of looks you just said we gave each other!" I was far too flustered and my aunt knew me too well to miss that.

She rolled her eyes at me. "Oh for heaven's sake," she said in exasperation as she looked heavenward.

"We talked. It went fine."

"Yes, you already used that word. What did you talk about?"

"His regrets and goals, I guess you could say."

"And what are his goals?" She chose to skip over discussing Ranger's regrets because they were obvious to anyone who knew about his situation.

"To win me over, gain my trust, and be a family with Julie and me."

"Well normally it goes, 'And baby makes three,' but he did go about things in the wrong order."

"_That's your response?"_

"How do you want me to respond?"

"I don't know, but not like that."

"How do you imagine your future?"

"What do you mean?" I looked at her, confused.

"When you think about your future, what do you see? Besides your career which I'm still not convinced is a good idea, but I found out about _that_ too late."

Apparently, my aunt wasn't as clueless about my obligations as I thought. Considering her sour tone of voice about my _professional _future, I felt a huge sense of relief that I hadn't been around when she found out. It must have sucked to be Uncle Charlie that day. A small, vindictive part of me was thrilled that Aunt Marjie more than likely kicked his ass – verbally speaking, that is.

"I see me raising Julie…with periodic Ranger visits and input."

"You have to have imagined more than just that," she scoffed.

"I don't know…I guess I see myself in D.C. maybe. And I really don't know about my personal life other than Julie. I stopped letting myself dream about what the future would hold for my personal life when I found out that Ranger married Rachel." That was the truth.

"Oh Steph," Aunt Marjie sighed. I hated the look of pity that quickly danced across her face.

"Shit happens." I shrugged my shoulders.

"It does, yes, but that doesn't mean you let it stunt your life, your personal growth."

"My life isn't stunted. I'm still growing as a person!"

"You are when it comes to Julie. And I think you've learned how to forgive, but you've closed off your heart."

It was hard to argue that point, so I remained silent.

"It is okay to let a person in again, even after they hurt you. Sometimes it makes you a stronger person, a stronger couple."

"We were never a couple."

My aunt remained silent, but raised her right eyebrow.

"We weren't! We never even had a date."

"Stephanie Michelle Plum, stop lying to yourself and everyone else. You were both in love with each other. You were both devoted to each other. You still are. You just refuse to acknowledge it."

I glowered. She watched me with a tranquil look on her face. Minutes ticked by. I finally cracked.

"I don't deny that we _were _in love with each other. Nothing came of it though."

"He's still in love with you and I think you with him. I just don't think you've accepted it yet. I'm not telling you to jump into a relationship with him, but I don't want you to write him off because he made a horrendous decision and hurt you terribly."

"I don't know how I could have a relationship with him. I don't _trust_ him not to hurt me again."

"Okay then," Aunt Marjie said, "let me ask you some questions."

"Okay…." Where is she going with this?

"When he slept with Rachel, were you dating?"

"No."

"Did he cheat on you?"

"No."

"Do you think he would be faithful in a serious relationship?"

"Yes."

"Do you think he'll make a hasty decision like he did with Rachel again?"

"Maybe."

"Do you think he learned from that experience?"

"Yes."

"What do you think he learned?"

"He said he wishes he had stopped and talked to me before he married Rachel…I think he thinks he wouldn't have married her if he had discussed the situation with me."

"I think that 'maybe' should be changed to a 'no' then. Do you think he loves you?"

"Yes."

"Then why would you reject the idea of dating him in the future?"

"I don't know."

"Think about it. Really consider it, Steph. Don't reject the idea of being with him because he made one, okay more like two, poor decisions that hurt you. Take it from someone who has been married for thirty-eight years. If it hurts more to keep someone shut out than to let them in, it's worth the hard work to move past damage they caused. I'm going to go to bed. I'll see you in the morning. Get some rest, think about what I said." Aunt Marjie stood up and stretched. She kissed the top of my head, gathered her shoes, and climbed the stairs up to her bedroom, leaving me alone with my thoughts.


	63. Hiatus

Hi everyone!

I know you all are reading this and probably groaning that I'm not posting an actual chapter today. Sorry! I've been getting messages on here (Some that I can't respond to :( I'm talking to you "guest" reviewers. Get a username so I can, at the very least, thank you for your messages.) So I wanted to check in and reassure everyone that I _will_ finish this story. I've had it mapped out since the very first time I sat down to write TLR.

I haven't written because I've been ridiculously busy and haven't had my normal long periods of time in which to sit down and actually write. So in my limited free time I've been reading about writing, editing, and publishing. I might as well improve, right? ;)

I hope you all understand and I promise to start posting chapters regularly again in the near future.

-L


	64. Chapter 63

AN: My posting sabbatical isn't over, but I wanted to gift you all. It is Christmas Eve in July after all ;) Here is the much anticipated Christmas Day chapter. I'm sorry if there are a bunch errors or typos. I edited it myself (and it's a lot harder to find your own errors) as my beta is on vacation :)

Lots of love to everyone and thanks for sticking with the story while life interferes with writing.

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Chpt. 63

I called Ranger when Julie woke up, figuring he'd want to spend as much time with her as possible. I wasn't ready to see him after my conversation with Aunt Marjie. I needed more time to think, to process, to understand my feelings. But time was something I didn't have. Ranger showed up within thirty minutes of me calling him.

"Babe," he said when I answered the door.

"Ranger," I said.

"Are you ever going to call me Carlos again?" he asked as he was bending down to kiss my cheek hello.

I sighed. "Don't push your luck. I'm just getting used to you being a part of Julie's and my lives again."

"I'll give you as much time as you need. Where's Julie?"

"Uncle Charlie was feeding her breakfast in the kitchen a moment ago."

Ranger shot me a smile and headed towards to kitchen, stopping briefly to drop off a small stack of wrapped gifts by the Christmas tree.

I sat down on the couch, holding my head in my hands. Being around Ranger was confusing. I was happy when I spent time with him. I wanted his attention. I wanted his affection. I wanted everything he had to offer. And then I remembered. I would panic and try to reconstruct my walls to keep him out, to protect what I had managed to reassemble of my splintered heart. I didn't know what I wanted from him and I didn't want to send mixed signals. That wasn't fair to either of us.

Bryce was so much easier. He wasn't a risk my fragile feelings. He protected me. He knew that Julie was important to me and did his best to support me. He made me laugh on bad days. And most importantly, Bryce had managed to keep the higher ups from sending me on more missions while I was taking care of Julie.

Ranger didn't make me laugh. He reminded me of the emotional bruises and scars he inflicted. I wasn't sure, but I could try to be friends with him — true friends. Not the I-tolerate-you-because-I-have-to bit that I had been trying convince myself meant that I was attempting to be friends. I wasn't strong enough to hand my heart over, but I could start by opening to door instead of letting him just listen through the open window.

Friends. And maybe more one day, but it wouldn't be today. I wasn't ready and I had no idea if I ever would be. Why was it so hard to know what I was feeling? To know what I should do?

Julie's babbling alerted me that everyone was coming into the living room. I looked up and watched as Ranger helped Julie toddle her way through the door. He was bent over, Julie gripping his fingers for balance as she waddled. I managed to take a picture to put in the Baby's First Christmas frame I had purchased for him.

Ranger's face was lit with a huge smile of wonder and love for Julie. Moments like this, like the ones I witnessed yesterday made me wish I could let down my guard. That he'd look at me with complete love and adoration instead of the sadness and guilt that flitted across his face when his mask of indifference cracked.

Aunt Marjie and Uncle Charlie were following behind them.

"I think it's time to open gifts!" My uncle said with grin.

"Aren't we waiting for Val?" I said.

"She called a few minutes ago. Angie has a fever so we'll do Christmas with her when the baby is feeling better," said Aunt Marjie.

"Oh that's too bad," I said. Damn. I'd lose another buffer between Ranger and me. I sighed.

"I have gifts for everyone," Ranger said, effectively ending the Valerie topic. He handed his gifts to all of us and then sat on the floor, pulling Julie onto his lap. He placed one his gifts in front of her and helped her unwrap her gift. Ranger helped Julie wrap her fingers around the wrapping paper and pull it away from the gift. Julie, being Ranger's daughter, learned quickly and started ripping the paper off by herself. She seemed more fascinated with the wrapping and the noise it made when she tore it than the actual gifts.

Ranger got her an activity push toy, foam blocks, and a dance and play puppy. Julie fell in love with her activity push toy since it helped her move around.

"Are you going to open your gift?" Ranger asked me.

His question startled me. I had been so focused on watching Julie walk around with the help of her push toy that I forgot about the gift I was holding in my lap.

"Oh, right. Sorry." I looked at the small gift in my hand. My heart thundered. My hands trembled so much that I didn't need to shake it to try and guess what it was. I heard a little bit of sliding. Jewelry. I tore the tape holding the paper together and saw the Tiffany blue gift box. It took a couple tries for me to open the box. Inside sat a white gold necklace heart-shaped lock charm that simply said, "LOVE."

"Thank you," I whispered. My throat was clogged with the tears I kept blinking back. I turned toward Carlos, er — Ranger. "Would you put it on me, please?"

After he put the necklace on me, I gathered the three gifts I had purchased for him from Julie.

"Julie has a few gifts for you also," I told him as I handed him the gifts. He flashed me a smile and took the gifts, setting them on the floor. He gathered his daughter into his arms and had her help him unwrap them. He unwrapped the "Daddy's Girl" frame first. I had managed to take a picture of Julie and Ranger in profile, her hands on his cheeks, both of them smiling.

"Steph, thanks. I…just thanks," Ranger said, his voice husky. I smiled at him.

"Why don't you open the others?" I said. He nodded and opened the hand and footprint mould I made with Julie earlier in the week. Ranger blinked rapidly. "I thought you might want to have something more of her when you can't be together." He nodded again. Words seemed to have failed him.

"And, um the last one isn't quite finished, but I'll explain after you open it." Julie ripped off the paper, giggling at the noise and tearing it into smaller pieces. Ranger looked at the empty photo and the read the engraving at the bottom. "I took a picture of you two walking in this morning. I'll print it out and then you can put it in there. Obviously, I couldn't take a picture of you two before today." I grinned at him.

"No, I guess not," he said. Ranger smiled at me and then gathered Julie in his arms and rained kisses all over her face. "Thank you, Julie Bean, for my wonderful gifts. And Steph…I don't think I can tell you how much these gifts mean to me — that you went out of your way to do something nice for me and give me some part of Julie when we're separated. Thank you."

After Julie vacated his arms, he came over to me and gave me a hug. And for the first time since before Julie was born, I relaxed into his arms.

"Thank you, Babe, for everything." He kissed me on the cheek and loosened his arms.

"I'd do anything for Julie…and you, too." He kissed the top of my head and then left me to my thoughts. Like what the locket meant to him and what it meant to me.


	65. Chapter 64

AN: This story has had over 100K views! Talk about crazy. I never thought anything I'd write would gather that much interest.

I had some time to write in the last week. And since you guys have waited so long for updates and have remained committed to this story, I thought I'd post this chapter as a thank you for sticking with me.

Thank you. I truly can't say it enough.

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Chpt. 64

I checked my palm pilot to look at what I needed to get done before Julie and I drove up to Georgia to see Ranger this weekend. I was so tired. All I wanted to do was sleep, but I had a five page response paper to write, a dozen chapters to read for five classes, and an exam to study for. And I couldn't forget my very active one year old that had recently started talking up a storm.

I groaned. Why didn't adults get nap time anymore?

I looked at the time on my watch so I could decide what I could get done before I picked up Julie from the Santos' in two hours. I could read three chapters provided I didn't fall asleep. I set the alarm on my phone just in case and set out to read and highlight my text book about Middle Eastern history, culture, and politics.

My phone vibrated far too soon. I gathered all of my books and notes and headed off to pick up my toddler. As I was walking to my car my phone vibrated again. Ranger.

"Hey," I said answering the phone.

"Babe," he said.

"What's going on?"

"I wanted to check to make sure you and Julie were still coming up for the weekend?"

"Yeah." I sighed.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm just tired and have a lot of work to do in the next three days."

"Is this getting to be too much for you?"

"No!"

"Stephanie…."

"I just…I have a lot on my plate. Julie is first in my life, as she should be, but I just feel stretched between her and school."

"Babe." Ranger groaned. I could hear his guilt as he said my nickname.

"It'll be fine. I just plan on sleeping through Saturday morning. And if you didn't follow that, it means that Julie is entirely your responsibility then."

"That's more than fair."

"Yeah, I'm generous like that."

"You have no idea how selfless you are. Why don't you let Tía take Julie for the night so you can actually sleep?"

"I can't ask that of her. And I'm sure your uncle would be pissed if I did."

"I don't know why you think that."

"Have you talked to your uncle? The man is the least cuddly person ever. He looks at Julie like she's an alien."

"He looks at all kids that way. It has nothing to do with Julie. Tío just doesn't know what to do with babies."

"Your aunt already watches her three afternoons a week—"

"Stephanie!"

"What?"

"You have to take care of yourself, too. My aunt understands that. Watching Julie for one night so you can sleep isn't going to bother her any."

"Ranger—"

"Nope. Don't argue. I'll call you back in five minutes. Just drive home."

"But I need to pick up—"

"No you don't. Drive home." Click.

He hung up on me. I was tired, stressed, and PMSing. Today was not the day to hang up on me. I hit speed dial 5 to call him back, but it went straight to voicemail.

I was driving off campus when my phone rang again. I answered it on the first ring. Before I could speak, Ranger started talking.

"I talked to Tia. She's thrilled to have Julie for the night and told me she told you that she'd be more than happy to keep for her a night a week. She also said you look completely rundown."

"I hate you. I hate you all."

"Babe." Ranger sighed. "You can't kill yourself doing everything. If you do, who would watch Julie then?"

"Are you really trying to guilt trip me?" Surprise rang in my voice.

"Is it working?"

"Maybe a little." More like a lot, but I wouldn't admit that much.

"Go home and go to bed. Please."

"I can't. I have so much work to do and if I'm not watching Julie at the same time, it'll get done that much quicker."

"So how many times do you have to re-read a page because your eyes are so tired you can barely keep them open?"

I refused to respond.

"At least take a nap before you do any work."

I still didn't speak.

"Steph, promise me. Please."

The please broke me. "Fine."

"Thank you."

And then I hung up on him. Turnabout was fair play.

I glanced at the digital clock on my nightstand. It was 1800. I slept for three hours. I still felt exhausted, but I felt like I could think again. It was a definite improvement. I got up to take care of nature's call and find food. I was ravenous.

"Hey, sleepy head," Lexi said looking up from the couch. "How do you feel?"

"A little more with it. I need to call your mom and thank her."

"No need," said Lexi with a grin. "They're thrilled to have Julie. It got her and Dad out of having to go to a stuffy cocktail party for one of Dad's clients that they hate."

"I guess I'm glad all parties are happy then."

"And guess what?"

"You want to drink wine and watch the Bachelor tonight?"

"That wasn't the surprise, but that does sound good." Lexi had a large toothy grin on her face.

"I love you and all, but I'm still too tired to guess. Just tell me." I sighed.

"Ranger sent over a whole bunch of stuff."

"Like?"

"Like a tasty dinner and dessert, flowers, and bath stuff."

"Huh?" I stared at Lexi, my brow furrowed. Apparently, I was still sleep deprived because she was making no sense.

"He's taking care of you."

I continued to stare at Lexi.

Lexi stood up and pushed me through the living room into the kitchen. She pointed to the flowers and a gift basket filled with bath bombs and bubble bath on the breakfast bar. "He sent those and then dinner is in the fridge. We just have to warm it up. Oh, and so is dessert. He sent cheesecake." She sighed as she said the word "cheesecake".

I opened the fridge and looked inside. There was a peppercorn encrusted pork loin, mashed potatoes, green beans almandine, and a salad. The man was always trying to get me to eat more green stuff. I do admit it all looked good though.

"Why would he do this?" I asked.

"God, you're so dense. He cares about you and is grateful that you are caring for Julie. Carlos is taking care of you the best he can from a distance. Don't you get it? _He loves you_."

"I need wine," I said, yanking the fridge open and pulling out the bottle of white wine Lexi was drinking last night. I grabbed a glass, the bottle, and my gift basket of bath goodies, leaving for the solitude of a bath.

I threw in some bubble bath and poured a generous glass of wine while I waited for the tub to fill. Once it was, I threw in a bath bomb for the fizziness and settled into the hot water. The hot water soothed my exhausted body and the wine lulled my mind.

He said he'd do anything it took to win me back, to show he cared. Everything he sent was extravagant which was ridiculous considering he had an Army Ranger's salary. He couldn't force me to sleep from a distance. Or eat. But he made it that much easier for me today.

I watched the bubbles diminish as time went on. I flicked the hot water on again with my foot. The water was beginning to cool a little. I took a sip of wine and leaned my head back, closing my eyes.

Is this what it would be like if we were together? Taking care of me. Making me slow down when I continued to bulldoze on even though I was running on fumes. Is this what I wanted?

I opened one eye to find my wine and not knock it over. I took a healthy slug of it. I was so tired. Julie. Classes. Studying. Laundry. (How do babies create so much damned laundry?) Eating. Sleeping.

I needed more support, which was sad considering how many people I had assisting me with Julie. I needed a vacation. I needed a hug. I wanted to be held while I cried because I felt so freaking overwhelmed.

My stomach growled, reminding me that it was probably past dinner time. I got out of the bath, drying off, and wrapping myself in my robe. When I walked into the living room, I found Lexi drinking wine, eating cheesecake, and watching the Bachelor.

"Hey," she said, a smile gracing her lips. "You look more relaxed. How was your bath?"

"Good. I…I didn't realize how much I needed it. I also can't remember the last time I ate." My stomach growled again, making it known that it had been far too long.

"Sit. I'll warm dinner up for you. 'Kay?"

"Thanks, Lex." She headed off to the kitchen and I grabbed my laptop. Ranger deserved a thank you. I'd hug him tightly on Friday night, but for now an email would have to do.

Just as I finished up, Lexi returned with a steaming plate full of food. I ate, moaning my way through my first and second helping. I stopped myself from eating a third so I could eat my slice of cheesecake.

I fell into a blissful food coma and didn't wake until the next morning.


	66. Chapter 65

I wasn't surprised to find Ranger waiting for Julie and me at baggage claim. I knew he wanted as much time with her as possible, and probably me as well.

"Steph," he said. He kissed my cheek while he pulled Julie out of my arms. He lifted her in the air above his head, smiling at her. He lowered her and blew a raspberry on her stomach, making her giggle. He rested her on a hip and turned towards me. "Point out your bags so I can grab them."

"Ranger, you've got Julie in your arms," I said.

"And I've carried around 50 pounds packs on my back while running in 100 degree heat. I think I can manage a suitcase or two and Julie."

I sighed. Men.

"How was the flight?" he asked.

"It was boring, which is good. Julie was well-behaved. I kept her distracted with books and toys. I could have done without the dirty looks I got from the other passengers when they saw I had her with me."

"They probably thought she'd be a screamer."

"I know. It still sucked though."

"I can imagine."

My leopard print suitcase dropped onto the conveyor belt. I pointed and said, "There's one of my bags."

Ranger raised an eyebrow at me.

"What?"

"I didn't take you for leopard print."

"It was a gift from Lula." The bag was as loud as Lula, but easy to spot, making it my favorite suitcase.

He just nodded at me, accepting my explanation since he had spent more than enough time with Lula to know her personal style.

"Any other bags?" he asked.

"No. I packed light. Aunt Marjie and Uncle Charlie have plenty of toys and I purposely left some of my clothes last time I visited. Most everything in there is Julie's."

"All right, let's head out then." He pulled my suitcase behind him and he listened to Julie attempt to tell him about the plane ride.

"Play big," she said, gesturing with her arms and smacking Ranger in the face. I stifled my laughter, but my shoulders still shook. Ranger might have great reflexes, but he wasn't used to Julie's movements yet.

"The plane was big?" he asked her.

"Zes," Julie said.

"Did you get to look out the window?"

Julie nodded with a blinding grin on her face.

Watching them interact melted my heart. It was so incredibly special to see their bond. It didn't matter that there was a large physical distance between them for all but one weekend a month. They loved each other. She knew him. He called every night he was home and talked to her on the phone. When I asked her who her daddy was, she'd point to the copies I had made of the pictures I gave Ranger for Christmas.

After Ranger loaded our bags and buckled Julie into her car seat, he opened my door and helped me inside his tall SUV.

We were halfway home when he asked if we were hungry, well more specifically me. Julie was sucking on a bottle next to me.

"How's it going back there?" he asked me.

"I could eat," I said. My stomach gave me away, grumbling vociferously.

"Sounds more like you're starving," he said to me.

"I didn't give food much thought until you mentioned it."

"What are you in the mood for?"

"Chicken and waffles? I have yet to find a restaurant that makes it well in Miami," I said. My mouth started watering at the thought of that Southern food staple.

Ranger shook his head at me and laughed. "Your wish is my command."

Thirty minutes we arrived at the Cherokee Rose, one of my favorite restaurants in Georgia. Ranger knew that I considered their chicken and waffles to be the best.

I leaned over the median to the front seat and gave him a toothy grin. Ranger looked over at me and laughed, shaking his head. He helped me out of his SUV and then unbuckled Julie from her car seat. We walked into the restaurant looking like a young family.

"Two adults, and a booster seat," said Ranger when asked how many people needed to be seated. "Can we have that booth over there?" Ranger pointed to the booth in the back corner.

"Sure, follow me," the hostess said. She set us up with a booster seat for Julie, which we placed in the back corner of the booth next to Ranger. I sat with my back towards the door, trusting Ranger to let me know if there was a threat, however unlikely that might be.

A few minutes later the waitress came to take our orders. Ranger ordered a salad with grilled chicken and no dressing. Gross. We ordered applesauce and macaroni and cheese for Julie. And of course, I ordered the delicious meal that I had been dreaming of.

"That stuff will kill you, Babe."

"But I'll die happy," I said. "Besides, I still exercise enough that I'm not all that concerned."

Ranger just shook his head at me and then focused on Julie who we had occupied with the paper placemat and the fat crayons for toddlers I kept stashed in my purse. Funny how I replaced the extra can of hairspray I had in my purse for emergencies before Julie with all sorts of things to occupy her time.

Ranger and Julie continued to draw and chat while we waited for food.

"What's that?" he asked her, pointing to the picture he drew. I squinted as I stared at his drawing. I had no idea what he scribbled. Even if I wasn't looking at it upside down, I'm still sure I have no clue what he created.

"Ka-wack," Julie said.

"That isn't a duck, Jules. Guess again," he said.

"No. Ka-wack!"

"That is a dog, Jules. What sound does a dog make?"

"Woof!"

I took the placemat and spun it around so I had a better look at his work of art. "That isn't a duck?" I asked.

"Yes, can't you tell?" he asked me.

"Um…so that orange thing that looks like a duck's bill is in fact a dog's ear?" I asked.

"Yes." Ranger sighed.

"Oh my God, we finally found something you suck at." I fell onto my side in the booth, laughing. Ranger looked at me, unamused.

"Ka-wack, Pa." Julie chimed in, causing me to laugh harder.

"Your turn to draw, Jules," he said.

"Aww," I said in between laughs, "did we hurt your delicate man feelings?"

Ranger rolled his eyes, but otherwise didn't respond. I was happy to see he had dropped his blank face for his daughter. Ranger started drawing shapes and asking Julie what color and shape they were. I was happy to say that I could at least tell what shapes he drew.

Our food came soon after. I moaned through my meal. The fried chicken was crisp and delicious with the waffle and the sweetness of the maple syrup. It was a religious experience on a plate.

Ranger shifted discreetly across the table from me. I couldn't help the self-satisfied smirk that flitted my face. I might not want to use my power at the moment, but it was nice to know I still had it.


	67. Chapter 66

AN: My schedule should be calming down soon - YAY! That means more writing. I hope to start posting regularly again in the next month.

I hope you enjoy the next chapter :)

* * *

Chpt. 66

"This doesn't feel right," I said.

"What doesn't?" Ranger asked me.

"Going to dinner without Julie."

"She's spending time with your aunt and uncle. She's fine."

"That's not the issue."

"Then what is?"

I sighed and looked out the window of his SUV. Why did he have to be so dense? I didn't want to spell this out for him.

"Babe?"

"This just feels like a date."

"It can be one if you want it to be."

"No," I said in a rush, causing me to feel like the world's biggest bitch. I cringed. "I don't mean to sound like it's the worst idea. Okay, yeah I know I sound like I do, but I don't. I really need to stop talking before I dig myself any deeper." I sighed.

"This is just a 'thank you' dinner for everything you've done for Julie. For me. You are always taking care of her. You deserve a night off. Tonight is supposed to relax you."

And that was the problem. I'd have been more relaxed if Julie was actually with us because then I could focus on her rather than my dinner companion. I also wouldn't discount the notion that Ranger had an agenda. He was and would always be an opportunist. It made him a great Army Ranger. It made dealing with him on a personal level a little stressful. Sometimes I wondered if our relationship was just a game of chess.

"Thank you — for thinking of me."

"I'm always thinking of you…and Julie."

"You are?" Call me a woman, but most of the time it felt like he got to have all the fun in making Julie and I got all of the work of raising her. Abuela told me all mothers felt that way. Women had to do all the hard work and men had all the fun.

Ranger continued to drive, staring straight out the window for a moment before glancing over at me. "I wish I did everything differently. Then you'd never question if you were on my mind."

"I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything right now. Don't discount everything I have to say and don't argue. Close your mouth." I shut my mouth. "I know you do. Just listen to what I say and consider it before you tell yourself I'm lying to you. Beyond that, just enjoy yourself. Relax. You're off of Mommy Duty tonight."

"I'm not sure what that feels like anymore."

"Like what feels like?"

"Being off of Julie Watch. It's just…my state of being these days."

"Tonight you're Steph. You're a normal twenty-one year old tonight."

"I don't think I've been normal in years."

"Bad choice of words. Tonight you get to be a twenty-one year old without the responsibility of taking care of anyone, not even yourself. I'll watch over you."

No responsibility. No worries. No putting others before myself. My shoulders no longer felt weighted down, at least for the night. "Is this what carefree feels like?"

"Probably. Can't say I've ever known that feeling, at least not in my adult years."

"I can't remember either. What a pair we make."

"Having risky jobs from such young ages probably changed our perspectives."

"Probably…I don't think I'd have been able to or even willing to take care of Jules if I hadn't…you know — experienced everything already. Signed my life away."

We pulled into Gianni's parking lot, snagging a front row parking space. Ranger hopping out of the car and ran around the car to open my door before I had even unbuckled my seat belt.

"I shouldn't be thankful for that, but I am because Julie has you. And I couldn't ask for a better mother for her. Thank you, Babe." He helped me out of his car and then kissed my cheek. "Let's go enjoy dinner."

And savor it we did. I got _Fettuccine ai Frutte di Mare_. I moaned with each succulent bite. Ranger got _Saltimbocca di Pollo_, which for him, was a splurge of calories. To me, it was an edible meal, unlike almost everything else he ate.

I also polished off three quarters of the bottle of wine and was feeling no pain by the time we left the restaurant.

"What are we doing now?" I asked in between giggles as we walked out to the car. Since I no longer drank more than a glass of wine these days, I had lost my alcohol tolerance and apparently, became a tittering tippler. I'd feel bad for Ranger if I wasn't the full-time mother of his child while he played G.I. Joe most days.

"I thought we'd go out dancing. Do you think you can dance?"

"I can totally get jiggy wit it!" And I had lost volume-control, too. And I said "get jiggy wit it." Being drunk tonight was like an out of body experience. I couldn't stop the idiocy from tumbling from my lips.

Ranger looked at me. "Maybe you should drink water once we get to Moda."

"But that would be no fun and I'm all about being carefree tonight! Freeeeeee…I'm free fallin'." I started singing out of tune.

Ranger buckled me into my seat and raised an eyebrow at me. "You sure you want to go dancing? Maybe I should take you home."

"But that's no fun," I said.

Ranger nodded at me almost imperceptibly. I'd have missed it if I hadn't spent so much time with him and become so in tune with his expressions and movements.

When we arrived at Moda Ranger guided me to the back corner of the top floor. I squealed when I saw who was seated at the table. I didn't care that they had girls hanging all over them. They were still my guys.

"Beautiful!" Les yelled over the Usher song, standing up to greet me. His Miss-Right-for-Tonight gave me a dirty look. I threw myself in his arms. I got a long hug and a kiss on the forehead. "You decided to finally have fun with us, huh? About time."

Bobby looked at Les and rolled his eyes. Tank smacked Les upside the back of his head. "She lives in Miami, you idiot," Bobby said.

"And she's taking care of Julie," Tank said, his deep voice rumbled over the thumping music. "When would she come out and party with us? How much have you had to drink tonight?"

"You're not mad at me, are you?" Les asked me.

"Not at all as long as you dance with me," I said.

"I don't know who you think you are—" Les' date started to say.

"She's one of my best friends. Don't even go there," he told her. The glare he gave her was glacial. She blanched. "Come on, Beautiful. Let's go dance."

Les grabbed my hand and guided me to the dance floor. Outkast's "Way You Move" blared, the bass thumped, vibrating the floor. We danced close, but we were careful where we put our hands. That didn't stop Ranger or Les' date from glaring at us.

"He's such a jealous bastard," Les told me as he glanced at Ranger.

"You'd know better than me. You guys live together."

Les snorted. "Yeah, I do. The thought of my hands on you is killing him right now. He deserves it for everything he's done to you, but he tortures himself enough. Knowing him, he's gone through every possible scenario — you dating someone he doesn't know, dating someone he does know, one night stands, marrying some random dude. We can't torture him like he already tortures himself."

"You think so?" I hadn't considered that. Drunk or sober, that thought had never even occurred to me.

"You know I love you like a sister, right?" Les asked me.

"Uh-huh…."

"I know you have done more for him than he deserves. You deserve freaking sainthood, not that Pope John Paul II listens to me. But, if you have it in your heart, if you can let him in, you should give him another chance. He won't fuck up like he did before. He loves you. He knows what it's like to live without you. I don't think he wants to ever go through that again. It was like he was dead inside. I don't ever want to see him like that again. And Lexi said you were just as bad. So, yeah…. That's the one and only time I'll ever put my freakishly perfect nose in where it doesn't belong."

We continued dancing while I tried to comprehend everything Les had just said.

"Babe," Ranger cut in. "Go back to your date, Santos."

"I either need to pick better dates or get way drunker," Les said.

"What? Why?" I asked.

"Because she's tolerable and sexy only when I'm wasted," Les explained.

"And…I'm just not going there," I said.

"Good plan," Ranger told me. Les wandered through the multitude of bodies on the dance floor back to the table.

"I guess he didn't learn from your mistake, huh?" I asked Ranger.

"We're Army Rangers. We're risk takers. We never think we'll deal with the same consequences as our brothers. Let's forget about Les and his lack of caution. Dance with me."

Usher's "Yeah" pumped through the speakers. Ranger grabbed my hips and pulled me flush against to him.

"How are you doing?" he asked, "How about we get you some water after this dance?"

"I'm doing okay. Maybe sobering up a little."

"Tonight you need to drink plenty of water and take Motrin™ before going to bed. While every adult will understand you being hungover, Julie won't."

"Ain't that the truth?" I sighed.

Ranger's arms snaked around me, holding me even tighter. One wrapped around my waist while his other held the back of my neck. "You're beautiful."

"I am?"

"So beautiful and you're not realizing that makes you even more so."

I smiled up at him, my cheeks pink. Smart Stephanie was yelling to run for cover. Drunk Stephanie was drinking up the attention.

We danced as one. We laughed.

Smart Stephanie won the battle when Ranger started nuzzling my neck.

"I'm really thirsty," I said. "Can we head back to the table and will you get me a bottle of water?"

"Of course," he said, guiding me off he dancing floor. We walked back to the table, his arm resting loosely around my waist. Les gave me a big smile when he saw us approaching. Bobby's head tilted to the side as he watched us approach. Only Tank failed to react. "I'll be right back."

I sat at the table.

"So what have you guys been up to?" I asked them.

"Same shit, different day," Tank said. He summed up the past year since I had seen him in four words. Bobby nodded in agreement. Les rolled his eyes.

"You guys are so boring," Les said. "We have tons of stories that Ranger doesn't want her to hear."

Was he still picking up girls at bars, even though he promised he wouldn't? The panic must have shown on my face. Tank hit Les upside the back of the head. Again.

"Shut up and for the love of your mama, stop drinking tequila. You're getting dumber as the night goes on," Tank told Les. Tank then looked at me and said, "Les means stories from our missions. Ranger hasn't gone out with us since before Julie was born."

The panic in my chest subsided.

"Brown, give me that bottle," Tank said. Bobby handed over the bottle of tequila Les must have started drinking while Ranger and I were dancing. "You're cut off Santos."

"Why?" Les whined.

"Because you need to sober up before Ranger gets back," Bobby said to Les. "God knows we don't want you saying stupid shit in front of him tonight. Do you want to be sporting a broken nose tomorrow?"

"No! It's my best feature," Les said.

Les was one of a kind.

"Babe," Ranger said walking up behind me. He placed a bottle of water on the table before sitting next to me.

"Thanks," I said to him.

"So what did I miss?" he asked me.

"Only that Les shouldn't drink tequila."

Ranger's lips twitched. "At least he's still clothed tonight."

My eyebrows jumped almost to my hairline. "Sounds like there's a story there."

Bobby decided to chime in. "We were in Mexico for a mission and dumbass over there decided to drink probably half the bottle. How he didn't end up with alcohol poisoning is beyond me. Anyway, he ended up stripping while playing monte bank in a bar and decided that dancing on the bar top was a good idea."

"He had taken a liking to the bartender, who just happened to be the wife of the bar owner and the monte banker," Tank said.

"Normally, Les is the one to smooth things over because he has the ability to sweet-talk a nun out of her habit. But since he was too blitzed to realize what the hell he was doing, let alone talk his way out of the cluster fuck he made of the situation, I had to do it," Ranger said.

I sucked my lips in between my teeth in an attempt not to laugh.

"How did you keep me from getting shot, cous'?" Les asked Ranger.

"Wait. You don't know?" I asked Les.

"That night is kind of fuzzy. I just remember that bartender's boobs. They were perky and real. I could just tell," Les said.

"And that's why I paid the bar owner off with your money," Ranger said.

"Son of a bitch!" Les roared.

Bobby cuffed him.

"Would you rather be poorer or dead?" Bobby asked him. "Because if you were dead, you couldn't enjoy the lovely Lydia who is sitting on your lap."

"She's not all that enjoyable tonight," Les said.

Idiot. Tequila was not his friend.

"You are such a jerk. I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception," Lydia, Les' date, said to him.

"That just means I can have you again whenever I want you," Les said.

"Ugh! I hate you!" She stomped off.

"Maybe you should have my water," I said, pushing my bottle toward Les.

"Why don't we head off?" Ranger asked me.

"That's probably a good plan," I said as I looked at me watch. 0100. I just knew that Julie was going to make me wish I were dead in the morning.

"It was good to see everyone," I said. I got hugs and kisses from the guys before we left Moda. "So…does Les normally drink like that on missions?"

"Nah…that was a total FUBAR one. It royally fucked with his mind. He got lucky that Brown had an IV bag so he could rehydrate him."

"I've missed a lot," I said. My heart broke for Les. He was known for his partying and lady slaying ways, but he always knew where to draw the line.

"Some good and some bad, but you're back now," Ranger said.

"Yeah. I'm back now…."


	68. Chapter 67

AN: Hi, everyone. Sorry for the seriously long delay between posts. I'm getting back my normal routine, so I hope to start back with my once-a-week chapter. Thank you for your patience and messages.

Sorry for typos. I edited it quickly. My beta is currently occupied with more important things and I didn't want to impose on her at this time.

Also, you might have noticed my handle change. I finally chose a pseudonym which I plan on actually publishing under. I decided to use it for FF as well.

Here's a short chapter. Enjoy!

* * *

Chpt. 67

"I have reservations for Friday night," Bryce said.

Why couldn't people greet each other when they called others? Was it really that hard to say, "hi"? I rolled my eyes even though Bryce couldn't see me through my flip phone. Ranger was the same way. I made sure Julie greeted him every time he called. I was determined that she would have better manners than the men in my life.

"Really?" I asked. That seemed so…boyfriend-ish. And we had never really dated each other per se. Acting like it on a mission was completely different than real life.

"Yep. You said you have the weekend free, that Ranger is taking Julie. That means we get to enjoy ourselves baby-free. As much as Julie is awesome and entertaining, it'll be nice to hang, just the two of us."

I actually agreed with him. I loved Julie. She was my child, but the idea of getting to talk about more than shapes and colors, _The Wiggles _(which was at least better than _Barney _and _Teletubbies_), and normal baby babble was kind of exciting.

"Where are we going?" I couldn't hide the excitement in my voice.

"That's a surprise, but you need to dress up. It's a nice place." I heard normal office chatter in the background.

"How fancy?" Did I need to go shopping? Buy a new dress? Did I need to get my hair done. It was looking a little crazy these days. Maybe I should get a deep conditioning treatment at the salon. Ooh, and a mani-pedi. I could skip classes….

Bryce sighed. "I have five minutes until my meeting and I need to review my notes. I'll pick you up at seven o'clock Friday night. And pack a bag, too. We're not returning to your apartment."

I squealed. I'd have thought that my training would have taught me to keep my emotions in check. I thought wrong.

Bryce laughed. "You're too cute. See you soon, my favorite girl."

"Bye." I closed my phone. I looked over at Julie, who was playing with foam blocks on the floor.

* * *

"Are you ready to see your daddy this weekend?"

"Da!" Julie's infectious shrieks echoed throughout the apartment. She giggled and flung her arms out. Her blocks went flying, not that she noticed nor cared.

Ranger picked up Julie on Thursday night for their daddy-daughter weekend.

"And here are her bottles and diapers. I packed extra clothes for you because I'm pretty sure all of the clothes at Abuela's are too small now. I swear she grew practically an inch in the last two weeks…." I continued to talk, showing him where all the items were in the diaper bag.

"Babe, it's not like I haven't taken care of Julie before." He looked amused as he spoke.

I thanked my lucky stars that he wasn't offended by my fussing. "It's just that Julie and I haven't spent this much time apart since I got custody of her." As excited as I was to see Bryce, of getting to be a normal, childfree adult, I couldn't stop the sharp pain in I felt in my chest at the thought of being separated.

"I know, but like I said before, you deserve a break, too." He brushed a errant curl off my forehead. The humidity made my curls spring in a thousand and one directions, not a particularly good look for me.

"Oh, and I put in a card with the pediatrician's phone number in the diaper bag in case you need it." I looked up at the ceiling while I mentally went through the list of new tidbits about Julie that I needed to tell him. "She hates carrots and squash now. I'm thinking maybe she just hates anything orange. So don't try to feed her any of that. Otherwise, you'll just end up wearing it when she flings her spoon at you. If she wasn't so determined and calm the majority of the time — well, basically any time except meal time — I'd think she was Les' and not yours. She constantly tries to start food fights."

Ranger quirked an eyebrow at me.

"She threw spaghetti at Lexi last week. It's not just me that she likes to do this to. I swear. And it's not my fault! I didn't teach her this."

"It's never you fault." He smiled. "All right, my little love bug, are you ready to roll?" He bent down and picked Julie up off of the floor.

"Da!" Julie smacked both of his cheeks like his face was helping her clap. Ranger grinned.

"Maybe we could do something together on Saturday?" He looked a little apprehensive. "Like a regular family."

"Um…." How do I go about saying this to him? It's not like it's a big deal. Ranger and I have no claim on each other. I can see whomever I want to see. He'll just have to get over it. And it's not like he's a saint. And he has to be getting sex from somewhere. I don't think he knows the meaning of celibacy. I'm raising his daughter! That should get me some extra points in my column.

My mental pep talk failed to ease the stones that decided to settle in the pit of my stomach.

"I was thinking the zoo." Ranger looked at me expectantly.

"I kind of have plans all weekend. Not that I really know what they are exactly. But I'm going to be busy. Yep. Busy."

Ranger raised his right eyebrow again.

"I have company this weekend. And I'm not really sure what all we're doing…." Besides each other. "But, I feel like making plans without talking to him would be pretty crappy. I mean, I should definitely consult with him." Oh God, why can't I stop flapping my gums.

"Him? Who's visiting?" Ranger's voice was calm. Too calm.

Fuckity fuck, fuck.

"Um, Bryce…." I cringed inwardly.

"I didn't know you were still seeing him."

"Yeah, sort of. I mean, we don't have much time to see each other with our own commitments and responsibilities. So we thought this weekend was a great time to take advantage of my freedom."

"I see."

Awkward.

"I'm allowed to date you know." I really needed chill out before we ended up in a full-blown fight.

"I didn't say otherwise." Ranger's voice was calm. Like a rattlesnake waiting to strike.

"So…on that note, I have things to do before he arrives tomorrow. Like study. Give me some lovings, kiddo." I reached for Julie, who wrapped her little arms around me. "Eskimo kisses." She rubbed her nose against mine. "I love you, Julie. Call me before bed."

"Buh-bye!" Julie called out.

"We're not finished," Ranger said.

"We are for now. I'll talk to you later." I practically pushed them out of the door.

Ranger stuck his combat boot clad foot between door and the casing. "We're all going to the zoo on Saturday. Julie, you, me, and Bryce. Tell him it's not negotiable. We'll meet you at 1000 in front of the main entrance." He turned around with Julie resting on his hip and walked away.

When the door clicked shut, I let out a huge sigh. At least the battle was delayed to another day. And then I remembered Saturday morning. I leaned against the door and hung my head. I was royally screwed.

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As always, please leave reviews and let me know what you like.

Oh, and I promised Bryce would come back. ;)


	69. Chapter 68

Hi, everyone. Happy new year! Sorry for the seriously **_long_** delay. I know, I know. I promised I would get back to posting regularly. I do apologize. I've been working really hard to improve my writing. I've read what seems like a hundred books, and worked on some original stuff, practicing.

So here is a very overdo, much needed update. I hope you guys forgive me. I love all of your reviews and PMs. They mean _**so much **_to me.

I whipped this out today because I really didn't want to make you wait any longer. And everyone, give some applause to Got2BeBabe. She beta read and edited this within hours of me emailing her.

Without further ado, enjoy the chapter. Please read and review. I love finding out what works and what doesn't.

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Chpt. 68

"So how did we get roped into going to the zoo today?" Bryce asked me as he navigated the odd Saturday morning traffic.

I bit my lip. Because I'm weak? Bryce wouldn't like that answer. Because I will always have a chink in my armor that only Ranger knows of and takes advantage of. He is, if nothing else, an opportunist. "He just kind of demanded it and left. I guess I didn't argue because I knew I'd want to see Julie. I haven't gone this long without seeing her since I got custody. It's weird to say, but it's like a piece of me is missing when she is gone."

Bryce sighed.

"It's not that I don't love my time with you. Do you understand? Even a little?" Things not to do on what is supposed to be a romantic, sexy weekend: make my sexy partner feel like he isn't enough; make it all about Julie; allow Ranger to screw everything up.

"You're a parent now." He glanced over at me.

"Yes." And that summed up the difference between us.

"Don't let Ranger manipulate you into thinking you guys can play house and life will be fan-fucking-tastic. That's what he's trying to do with today. I know how his mind thinks. I've read his psych evals."

I whipped my head around to stare at him. "What do you mean you've read his psych evals? Aren't they classified?"

"I've been his handler on a couple of joint task force, classified ops. I had to know what I was dealing with."

His matter-of-fact tone pissed me off. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. _I'm an adult and I need to act like it. Going all rhino mode on him will ruin everything._ "So you think he is just trying to manipulate me? And you think I'm dumb enough to fall for it?" My voice was a little shrill, even to my own ears. Although I admitted to myself that Ranger could easily manipulate me, I didn't want anyone else to know that.

"I think he's your weakness. You're raising his kid for God's sake! That's not normal or healthy."

"It's my decision to decide what is best for me. Not you. Not Ranger. Not Abuela. Not Uncle Charlie. It's mine. I thought you had more respect for me. Does everyone in my life believe that I can't think for myself?" Rhino mode not averted. This car was not big enough for my passionate Italian arms.

Bryce's brow furrowed. "I didn't say you can't think for yourself. You just don't think clearly when it comes to him."

Just because Bryce had a point, it didn't mean I had to admit it to anyone but myself. "I'm stronger than you think! I'm not so dumb that I have no idea what Ranger is doing. Some things just aren't worth the fight. I pick and choose my battles. And this…I thought seeing Julie was a good reason not to fight it." That sounded believable, even to me. Maybe if I continued repeating it, I'd eventually convince myself.

"If we're going to have any chance, you need to figure out what is between you and Ranger, and make a decision. I refuse to be second — especially to someone who has treated you like crap."

My silence spoke for me.

"Steph, what do _you _want?" he asked.

And that was the question of the day, maybe even year. Oh hell, it was the question of my entire adult life. "I don't know." I had to strain to hear my own voice.

"What?"

"I don't know," I said, biting my lip. "I wish I did. I know I want you. But for how long? How long are you even available? And what do _you_ want? You ask me, but we have this weird quasi-relationship. It makes it hard for me to figure out what I want when I don't even know what is available to me. So…I'll answer your question when you answer all of mine."

Bryce's knuckles turned white as he held the steering wheel.

Silence reigned in the cab of the car for what seemed like an hour. Five minutes probably hadn't even passed though.

Bryce pulled into the zoo's parking lot and parked, turning the car off. "It's not that I don't want more. You _deserve _more. This is all I can give right now."

"This being the occasional visit."

"And making sure you have fun and enjoy your life. I'm doing my best to make sure that you don't get sent out on any missions. You shouldn't have to deal with any of this — the agency, the almost-teenage parenthood — all while you're trying to go to school."

"But this is my life. I've accepted it. And I want Julie to be a huge part of it."

"Julie doesn't come alone. Ranger will always be connected to you as long as you are Julie's guardian."

I rested my face in the palms of my hand. "I know that. I've come to accept that he will always be in my life, but that doesn't mean I'm letting him have a big role. If I accept this, so should you."

"I can't protect you from him."

"He already did the damage." I sighed. "I've built my walls. He's not scaling them. Hell, he handed me the supplies to keep him out. Just…give me more credit. I'm not letting him hurt me again."

Bryce pulled my hands from my face and tilted it, looking me directly in the eyes. "It's not that I don't trust you or respect you. It's him."

Was he threatened by Ranger? That would make sense. Bryce saw Ranger's and my connection during training.

"Come on," he said with a sigh. "Let's go get this over with." He yanked on the door handle, pushing the car door open. He jogged around the car to open mine.

"Thanks."

He closed the door behind me and locked the doors. "Where did he say to meet them?"

"The main entrance." He wrapped his arm around my waist as we walked. "Just because Ranger wants something, it doesn't mean I'm going to give it to him. Sometimes a connection is just that — a connection. Nothing more. Sometimes soulmates don't end up together. And sometimes soulmates are only ever meant to be friends. That's Ranger and me. People aren't meant to be together when all they do is hurt each other."

I spotted Ranger holding Julie's hands while she stood in front of him. It was a beautiful image, one I couldn't allow myself to appreciate in its entirety. Everything I told Bryce was the truth. Being soulmates wasn't enough — not when we'd inevitably destroy one another.


End file.
